Dating and Celibacy as a Christian

Kinkyhairlady

Well-Known Member
Posting this here instead of the relationship forum cause I really need advice from true believers. I' made the decision to be celibate until marriage mainly because of my faith and just simply not wanting to share my body with every man that comes along.

This has been an issue for me in my past 2 relationships which caused things to fizzle really quick but I have no regrets. Now that I'm dating again this issue is resurfacing and I am not sure how to handle it. The guy is Christian but admits he's not interested in being celibate and has to think about it and pray. Now I'm faced with us not moving any further because of something the bible clearly speaks against. Men in the church are no better than the ones outside seriously.

Any ladies have some inspirational stories in which both you and your partner decided to wait and later married? Im not going to back up on my promise to God but this is making dating so much harder.
 
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MrsHaseeb

Well-Known Member
Well... If he is trying to fornicate that eliminates him being a Christian. He cant possibly have the love of Jesus Christ for you in his heart if he's willing to damn both you and him by committing fornication... Men like him are not in the Church because the Church is a body of Spirit filled and Spirit led believers, not people who attend a church building. Put your eyes in Jesus and let him perfect and protect you from such men. A man willing to damn you both by sinning against Jesus and can call himself a Christian in the next breath is a dangerous individual. Please run.

Try not to get too caught up in dating and marriage according to the world but rather pray that Jesus will transform you and send you a man after His heart. This man is of the world. Not of the body of Christ.
 
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songbird8

Active Member
please be encouraged because you're not alone. its frustrating but you have to stick to your guns, and dont let him bend you. i'm currently in a long-term relationship and this area is a struggle for us, but he knew what i was about from jump. so he knew if we were going to be together that wasnt goin down, and it wont until we say "i do." even though its not always easy, guess what, he has no choice but to respect me or KIM. so if this man really loves you, sees something special in you AND respects you, HE WILL WAIT. be encouraged sis! :)
 

Belle Du Jour

Well-Known Member
This has been an issue for me in my past 2 relationships which caused things to fizzle really quick but I have no regrets. Now that I'm dating again this issue is resurfacing and I am not sure how to handle it. The guy is Christian but admits he's not interested in being celibate and has to think about it and pray. Now I'm faced with us not moving any further because of something the bible clearly speaks against. Men in the church are no better than the ones outside seriously.

Any ladies have some inspirational stories in which both you and your partner decided to wait and later married? Im not going to back up on my promise to God but this is making dating so much harder.

If he has to "pray about it" :huh: then he has basically eliminated himself from serious consideration. Do not pass go or collect $200. Both of you are not even in the same place spiritually if he isn't sure that fornication is sin. It would be one thing if he had a past and has made a firm resolution to "go and sin no more" but if he isn't even there yet, he is not in a place to be your spiritual head, IMO. How can two walk if they don't agree? I would let him go on his merry way. Maybe he may mature but it's not your job to evangelize a boy into a man. :nono:

Like I read on one of my favorite blogs, chastity will weed out the wrong men, guaranteed. The ones who either don't believe in it or are just pretending won't go the distance. That means you probably won't be dating a lot. But God is a giver of good and perfect gifts and if you are ok with quality over quantity, then be still and wait on God.

As far as inspirational stories, I have read several. I've posted some in the christian singles thread on here. You can also read Boundless and www.ylcf.org for courtship stories. Another God-orchestrated love story can be found here: http://wissmanns.blogspot.com/2012/06/our-love-story.html I will also post some uplifting links in a bit.

"For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised." Heb 10:36
 

Kinkyhairlady

Well-Known Member
please be encouraged because you're not alone. its frustrating but you have to stick to your guns, and dont let him bend you. i'm currently in a long-term relationship and this area is a struggle for us, but he knew what i was about from jump. so he knew if we were going to be together that wasnt goin down, and it wont until we say "i do." even though its not always easy, guess what, he has no choice but to respect me or KIM. so if this man really loves you, sees something special in you AND respects you, HE WILL WAIT. be encouraged sis! :)

Yes that is what I say but I'm afraid he'll cheat cause he cant deal with it but I don't know.he does not come off as a cheater but ive heard that's what usually happens when these men are with woman who are abstaining. The sad thing is that 75% of the unwed couples in churches are engaging in relations. Its like its become the norm.
 

Leigh

Well-Known Member
Yes that is what I say but I'm afraid he'll cheat cause he cant deal with it but I don't know.he does not come off as a cheater but ive heard that's what usually happens when these men are with woman who are abstaining. The sad thing is that 75% of the unwed couples in churches are engaging in relations. Its like its become the norm.

Let him know you require marriage to have relations.
 

menina

Believing the book of Revelations
Well... If he is trying to fornicate that eliminates him being a Christian. He cant possibly have the love of Jesus Christ for you in his heart if he's willing to damn both you and him by committing fornication... Men like him are not in the Church because the Church is a body of Spirit filled and Spirit led believers, not people who attend a church building. Put your eyes in Jesus and let him perfect and protect you from such men. A man willing to damn you both by sinning against Jesus and can call himself a Christian in the next breath is a dangerous individual. Please run.

Try not to get too caught up in dating and marriage according to the world but rather pray that Jesus will transform you and send you a man after His heart. This man is of the world. Not of the body of Christ.

I wouldn't say he's not Christian, but he's definitely spiritually immature. There are a lot of 'confession only' people out there unfortunately. I'm only mentioning this, because while we know the fruit, God knows the heart.
 

kaykari

New Member
Stop chasing him sis. Dont let the enemy use him to get to you. Dont let some man take advantage of your vulnerabilities.
 

MrsHaseeb

Well-Known Member
I wouldn't say he's not Christian, but he's definitely spiritually immature. There are a lot of 'confession only' people out there unfortunately. I'm only mentioning this, because while we know the fruit, God knows the heart.

Hi Menina :) There is no such thing as a Christian fornicator. That's an oxymoron. If a Christian falls into fornication and repents then I don't believe God takes away their salvation. However, I said he's not a Christian because he seems to have no problem making fornication a lifestyle. It's impossible to be a Christian and do that since a Christian is a follower of Jesus Christ.
 

Iwanthealthyhair67

Well-Known Member
Yes that is what I say but I'm afraid he'll cheat cause he cant deal with it but I don't know.he does not come off as a cheater but ive heard that's what usually happens when these men are with woman who are abstaining. The sad thing is that 75% of the unwed couples in churches are engaging in relations. Its like its become the norm.

If he can't respect your decision to wait he's not the one, if he cheats that's a sure sign he's not the one, if he says he's a Christian and is having sex before marriage he's definitely not the one.
 

menina

Believing the book of Revelations
Hi Menina :) There is no such thing as a Christian fornicator. That's an oxymoron. If a Christian falls into fornication and repents then I don't believe God takes away their salvation. However, I said he's not a Christian because he seems to have no problem making fornication a lifestyle. It's impossible to be a Christian and do that since a Christian is a follower of Jesus Christ.

I hear you MrsHaseeb :yep: I don't think it's always that simple, so I'm careful of saying people are or aren't Christian. Unfortunately there's 'Christians' (folks believing in Jesus and grace) sinning, backsliding, straddling the fence, and refusing to die to their flesh. And then those who only believe part of the the bible.
 

Kinkyhairlady

Well-Known Member
So what does one do if they never find someone willing to wait? What would you ladies do? Are you willing to live a life alone because no man is willing to wait? I'm just curious because this is a real issue for some. Me I will continue to pray for what God has for me but I know waiting even for the woman can be frustrating.
 

janiebaby

Well-Known Member
Kinkyhairlady I almost didn't post but felt like I needed to. I think there are plenty of guys who are willing to wait. The question becomes how long is the wait? I have a friend that was with a guy maybe 2-3 years (?-maybe 2) and I know she was a virgin on their wedding night. They're both Christian and involved in the church. They met at church when he asked about her I believe.

I would post advice but each person's experience is different and I don't know the particulars of your story.
 

Belle Du Jour

Well-Known Member
So what does one do if they never find someone willing to wait? What would you ladies do? Are you willing to live a life alone because no man is willing to wait? I'm just curious because this is a real issue for some. Me I will continue to pray for what God has for me but I know waiting even for the woman can be frustrating.

YES. That is the only alternative, IMO. And YES, it is a hard reality.

But how can I claim to love God and do the exact opposite of what He says just because it's too difficult? The cross was also difficult but we know Jesus humbled Himself and was obedient to the point of death.

I had to get to this point for myself when I asked well, what's the alternative if the guy never shows up? :look: I know it may sound extreme to some but Heaven is real and I want to go there. :yep: I also don't want to do anything that would wreck my relationship with God.

This is a great chapter on purity http://www.pathsoflove.com/books/three-to-get-married/chapter8/ especially this part:

There is, therefore, no such thing as an "old maid" or a "bachelor" from the Christian point of view. These terms apply only to those unhappy ones who have found no will to share, no purpose to fulfill either in heaven or earth. To find no ear in heaven or on earth to listen to "I love you," or "I surrender," or "Be it done unto me according to thy word," must indeed be of all human existences, the most tragic. But to keep the secret for God, until God calls to another in time, is the greatest happiness given to hearts in this vale of tears.

It may very well be that, with God's special grace, the secret in some will be kept forever, because of the desire that no other shall know it but God Himself. Such is in brief the religious life of consecrated souls: the pursuit of God through purity.

I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing and will give me enough grace I need to get through each day, one step at a time. :yep:

ETA a disclaimer: I am not perfect and have my days when I whine and grumble. If one has a desire for marriage and children, it will never completely go away if that desire is not fulfilled. However, I do believe God has a bigger plan and it will all make sense one day, even if it's not what I want.
 
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MrsHaseeb

Well-Known Member
YES. That is the only alternative, IMO. And YES, it is a hard reality.

But how can I claim to love God and do the exact opposite of what He says just because it's too difficult? The cross was also difficult but we know Jesus humbled Himself and was obedient to the point of death.

I had to get to this point for myself when I asked well, what's the alternative if the guy never shows up? :look: I know it may sound extreme to some but Heaven is real and I want to go there. :yep: I also don't want to do anything that would wreck my relationship with God.

This is a great chapter on purity http://www.pathsoflove.com/books/three-to-get-married/chapter8/ especially this part:

I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing and will give me enough grace I need to get through each day, one step at a time. :yep:

Amen Belle.
 

MrsHaseeb

Well-Known Member
ETA a disclaimer: I am not perfect and have my days when I whine and grumble. If one has a desire for marriage and children, it will never completely go away if that desire is not fulfilled. However, I do believe God has a bigger plan and it will all make sense one day, even if it's not what I want.

Amen Again :)

I have realized on this walk that God's plans for us are not always our plans. The best thing we can do is find His will and live in it. I believe it is a righteous desire to want to be married and that God is well able to honor that desire if we remain faithful.
 
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Nice & Wavy

Well-Known Member
I wouldn't say he's not Christian, but he's definitely spiritually immature. There are a lot of 'confession only' people out there unfortunately. I'm only mentioning this, because while we know the fruit, God knows the heart.
In church today, we were reading these scriptures and your post came to my heart and I wanted to post what the Bible says about the bolded:

7 Little children, let no one deceive you. Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as he is righteous. 8 Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. 9 No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's[b] seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God.10 By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother. I John 3: 7-10
If this man is having sexual relations outside of marriage, clearly these scriptures apply to him...:yep:
 
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menina

Believing the book of Revelations
In church today, we were reading these scriptures and your post came to my heart and I wanted to post what the Bible says about the bolded:

If this man is having sexual relations outside of marriage, clearly these scriptures apply to him...:yep:

Of course and a bunch of other people who would be surprised to find out that they may not be true Christians.

I didn't mean to derail this thread, and I'm not giving this dude or his unrighteousness any excuses. I simply would describe him differently than just 'not a Christian'. That's all. :)
 
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Nice & Wavy

Well-Known Member
Of course and a bunch of other people who would be surprised to find out that they may not be true Christians.

I didn't mean to derail this thread, and I'm not giving this dude or his unrighteousness any excuses. I simply would use different words to describe him. That's all. :)
Thank you for your post, sis :love2:
 

Kinkyhairlady

Well-Known Member
Ladies just an update... I spent a few hours with him after church today and I brought the celibacy thing up again and he has decided to wait but admits it will be hard. Mind you this conversation is taking place in his room and he was a complete gentleman. We'll see how this goes. I feel better now knowing he wont be pressuring me but I'm not naive either so I'm keeping an eye on him. Thanks ladies for the advice. Its hard but I know ill be happier waiting for my husband.
 

Poohbear

Fearfully Wonderfully Made
So what does one do if they never find someone willing to wait? What would you ladies do? Are you willing to live a life alone because no man is willing to wait? I'm just curious because this is a real issue for some. Me I will continue to pray for what God has for me but I know waiting even for the woman can be frustrating.

I would rather keep waiting rather than give my body up to a bunch of different men. You can date without sex. Before my current boyfriend, I would date without having sex. All you have to do is talk on the phone or go out in public to a restaurant, movie, bowling alley, game, etc. Never just have long periods of idle time at his place or your place, and never spend the night. Dating this way keeps your mind clear and your emotions in check, and not only that, obeying God's word by fleeing sexual immorality and not sinning against your own temple.
 

disgtgyal

Well-Known Member
Waiting until marriage whether you're a virgin or born again virgin is much easier when you're with someone who equally shares your desire to be remain pure because when temptation arises you need someone who will be strong when you're weak, you need someone who will remind you of the vow you both made. I don't know the guy nor am I judging him but if you've had to somewhat coax him into believing that you both should abstain he will more likely than not provide you with the means of giving in when temptation sets in. My advice would be to remain friends because as you've said he's spiritually immature so he can't cover you nor the relationship as man should.
 

Successfulmiss

New Member
I was celibate for 3 years before my husband found me and it was THE BEST DECISION I ever made! :grin: It took out any doubt, confusion or false promises that tried to come along. I had so much clarity and it was during that time I had the closest walk with God during my Christian life for the first time. I admonish any young or old person to be celibate before marriage and/or remain a virgin. Although it can be hard. My body naturally submitted to the Holy Spirit after a while and it was to the point I didnt even let a man touch me, etc. It was one of the greatest times of my life before marriage because God really developed my gifts and I was even more attractive to my husband. He was so happy I was celibate and still can't keep his eyes off me till this day. It really served a purpose and made a BIG difference in my marriage before and after. Be encouraged!:yep:
 
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trclemons

Well-Known Member
Yes that is what I say but I'm afraid he'll cheat cause he cant deal with it but I don't know.he does not come off as a cheater but ive heard that's what usually happens when these men are with woman who are abstaining. The sad thing is that 75% of the unwed couples in churches are engaging in relations. Its like its become the norm.
I'm not sure where this 75% statistic comes from and it really doesn't matter because the Word of God is the standard and not the real or perceived actions of unwed couples in the church.

As believers, we need to be very careful about what we "look at" because the enemy is using it to desensitize us to the standards of the Lord. And later on, the enemy will open a door for you to use those same rationalizations to compromise the Word of God.

For example, I haven't watched Scandal, but my Mom was talking about it and she just lit up as she started talking about Olivia & the President's love relationship. And I asked her why was the God in her not offended by that adulterous relationship. Ultimately, it was because "Hellywood" (not a typo) draws on your emotions and you start identifying with the characters emotionally and intellectually, which leads you to rationalize, justify & eventually accept their ungodly behavior; even though you know, it is contrary to the Word of God.

Likewise, if you keep looking at the couples who are compromising, eventually you will rationalize and join in to what you have determined to be "the norm". Hebrews 12:1-2 admonishes us to "...run with patience the race that is set before us. Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith..." Jesus is the standard and we must keep our eyes on Him.
 

trclemons

Well-Known Member
Ladies just an update... I spent a few hours with him after church today and I brought the celibacy thing up again and he has decided to wait but admits it will be hard. Mind you this conversation is taking place in his room and he was a complete gentleman. We'll see how this goes. I feel better now knowing he wont be pressuring me but I'm not naive either so I'm keeping an eye on him. Thanks ladies for the advice. Its hard but I know ill be happier waiting for my husband.
Ok, but I just have a few rhetorical questions:

1. Why were the both of you in his room when it’s obvious that he has an issue with his flesh?

2. Why did he not come to the conclusion that you were worth him “trying” to be celibate for until after you initiated another conversation about celibacy?

3. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that you have to keep an eye on already?

4. Why are you allowing the fear of not finding someone to make you cling to a guy that God has clearly not finished developing?

5. Most importantly, what has God said about this situation?
 

disgtgyal

Well-Known Member
Ok, but I just have a few rhetorical questions:

1. Why were the both of you in his room when it’s obvious that he has an issue with his flesh?

2. Why did he not come to the conclusion that you were worth him “trying” to be celibate for until after you initiated another conversation about celibacy?

3. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that you have to keep an eye on already?

4. Why are you allowing the fear of not finding someone to make you cling to a guy that God has clearly not finished developing?

5. Most importantly, what has God said about this situation?

Thanks was not enough, those were very important questions for her to ask herself. I'm not saying he isn't the one, but i believe the man he is right now isn't the one, they seem to be at two very different points spiritually. iMO the ability to delay gratification is a strong indicator of maturity. As for question 4 I think society has played a great role in developing that fear in women because everywhere you go you hear the lack of eligible men particularly AA men so now when you add Christian man to that it makes it even more difficult or seemingly impossible, but I disagree if it's God will for you to be married even if your God ordained husband is on the other side of the world both of your paths will cross at the right time and place. When it comes to sex some of these Christian men are worse than unbelievers I had one tell me just coz you keep a treat in a wrapper doesn't mean it won't spoil and no man wants to unwrap his treat and find out its spoiled. I think some men in the church find some type of pleasure in making a virgin/ celibate woman compromise.
 

Successfulmiss

New Member
Sex before marriage is just not worth it to me. Sorry, it's just not worth the peace of mind and closeness I have to the Lord. I have had sex while in church and then became celibate and it is so much better:yep:. Sex before marriage just hurts your chances of your true husband finding you. And all those soul ties(souls having an ungodly bond, leaving room for manipulation etc) involved SMH! The anguish involved with sex before marriage is totally deadening inside. At least for me it was. It don't know how some women do it for so long and some never even get married and then judge those that do. I cannot say enough about how God has blessed my marriage when I choose celibacy before marriage and to be totally honest if YOU yourself cannot refrain from these sort of men (80% of men in the church are this way, in my experience). Then maybe you should not be dating whatsoever and ask God to take any fleshly desire way until He is ready for you to marry. This is what I did and it saved me a world of hurt. Warning comes before trouble. Even if I gotten close to dating a guy during my years of celibacy, I let them know up front that my relationship with God is more important to me then them and if they even wanted to take me to dinner, they had better be considering marriage with me, period. End of story. If their relationship with God is more important to them then you, then they will understand, which should be the standard from a biblical standpoint. If you do not lift up a standard, they will have no respect for you and treat you common:nono:; just like every other woman willing to give casual sex. Not to be harsh but I wish someone would have told me this very same way when I made mistakes before I decided celibacy before marriage. Only the Lord could help me and no amount of preaching did, no matter how much the Pastor sweated preaching :lol:. You need to take this to the Lord.
 
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disgtgyal

Well-Known Member
I too don't understand casual sex, like how could you let just any man in you and I am not even speaking from a spiritual standpoint but just morals and values. When you're applying for a job there is an application process and in the interview you need to qualify yourself and explain why you're the best candidate and that's just a job, why then shouldn't a man qualify himself to be a sexual partner. I've asked a friend this in the past and her only explanation it's about having a good time and being in the moment. Idk again I just cant rationalize it
 
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