"i've Picked My Job Over My Kids"

[Maracujá]

Some of the macro solutions have been discussed/suggested in various thread.


In the US (macro level)..... longer parental leave. I mean 12 weeks is nothing. Minimum of 9-12 months for moms and 6months for dad’s. I think there are groups advocating for this already in some form.

This one is harder..... but there has to be some sort of revolution to stop this widening economical gap. It is ridiculous.

On the individual level..... it depends on a person situation, culture, and other factors.

I’m Nigerian..... so before my mom has her health crisis, she stayed with me and DH for about 6months with my 1st and we stayed with my MIL for about 6mnths also.

I took a lower paying job to have flexible time and also I knew I was going to have my second child wanted the a very flexible schedule without too much worry about taking time off.

I hired a nanny for the 4-5 months after my second baby. I have a cleaner come once a month. My 2nd is almost 2yrs and I just started a new job with standard 8-5pm hrs. I hired a part time nanny to come in the weekday evenings 6-9pm. She helps with the kids, so this enables me to go do my errands, exercise or just relax if needed.

More deliberate thought and preparation before kids. My first I wasn't as prepared but I had my and DH family and extended support to get me through.

You played it smart, then again you are Naija for a reason . I believe the bolded is key at this point, since there's no telling when there will be change at the macro level. Thank you for your answer.

 

[greight]

I guess I come from a different school of thought. My mom worked 2 to 3 jobs, but I was proud that she worked. I learned how to entertain and motivate myself without her, and performed well in school because I knew the sacrifices she was making.

I don't flinch at all when it comes to the idea of being a working mom. I know I will need help and I'm thinking through how this will work. I do know that my future kids will be fine.

 

[NijaG]

I guess I come from a different school of thought. My mom worked 2 to 3 jobs, but I was proud that she worked. I learned how to entertain and motivate myself without her, and performed well in school because I knew the sacrifices she was making.

I don't flinch at all when it comes to the idea of being a working mom. I know I will need help and I'm thinking through how this will work. I do know that my future kids will be fine.

Yeah..,.. I really don’t think being a working mom is the main issue. The issue imo is this expectation that modern parents (especially mom’s) are suppose to be the be all and end all for their children without help. Main source for the foundation of life experiences and values... sure. However, parents are human beings growing and learning and responding to life around them. They are not perfect and are going to mess up.

 

[Lady S]

I was raised by a single mom. Thankfully, we had a great support system and daycare that she could afford. I can say with great confidence, any mental health issues I have are not because of my mom working long hours. I had a friend whose mom was stay-at-home and my God, that relationship was and still is dysfunctional as hell. It's not about quantity, it's about quality. The time I spent with my mom as a kid, were filled with love and emotional support. But she was also fully present when she was there (or was at least pretty good at faking it, because in retrospect I'm pretty sure as a kid, my thoughts on She-Ra, Princess of Power weren't as interesting as I thought they were )

I don't think the woman who wrote the article is a bad person or deserves to be thrown in Mom-Jail. She's found a career that is not only well-paying, but also something she enjoys. It's also a career where it makes total sense why it would be hard to shift gears into mom mode. They always tell you to not bring work home with you, but that's just not realistic for some jobs. It's not even about prestige or titles, sometimes it's just the nature of the gig. Add actually enjoying your job on top of the equation? It's hard.

I think it's important for parents too have interests and things that are fulfilling that aren't their kids, because those parents that put their whole entire ego and self-worth on their kids end up doing damage as well. There's a balance and the challenge is find that balance, being able to prioritize and being able to make that quality time with kids. I have no clue what the solution is, frankly just thinking about it makes me exhausted and pretty happy with my current designation as The Childless Aunt.

 

[Lady S]

I remember a few pro football players saying how they had to go to therapy after retiring because nothing in life brought them that same joy and pleasure as playing in front of a crowd. Having kids and a wife didn't replace that feeling. It just wasn't enough. Same situation as the OP putting career before their kids.

I think this is a really good comparison. The author is in a field where in order to be successful, they have to be competitive, they have to be focuses and the stakes are major. I would like my lawyer to be more concerned about my freedom than their 3rd grader's school play. And I'm going to bet arguing a case during a trial is probably a little more adrenaline and dopamine producing than arguing with your child about bed time.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

I think this is a really good comparison. The author is in a field where in order to be successful, they have to be competitive, they have to be focuses and the stakes are major. I would like my lawyer to be more concerned about my freedom than their 3rd grader's school play. And I'm going to bet arguing a case during a trial is probably a little more adrenaline and dopamine producing than arguing with your child about bed time.

That's how it is in that field and some are just like the example in the OP.

 

[Evolving78]

LOL!!! I have come to believe that the purpose of children is to hold a mirror up to you daily. You see reflected in them all of your hopes and dreams, fears and insecurities, love and honesty. My children have taught me more about myself than any self-help book. That being said, don't have them if you are unwilling to put in the work.

This needs repeating!

 

[Jmartjrmd]

I think working moms can find a healthy balance.
I'm currently in the opposite pool in that I'm home all the time with these kids. I can only speak for myself but sometimes I need time for just me or time for just me and my husband rather than always being in mom mode.
So there are times where I'm perfectly capable of having them here but I pack them up and ship them to auntie or grandmothers house for no other reason than I need a break. and the weight off my shoulders and mental clarity I get is just amazing. I thank God everyday that my tiny family and T's mom are near to allow me to do it. I'm not supermom and don't ever want to be.
I don't hate to say this at all but if I had the choice right now to be working full time vs staying home full time, gas up the car cause I'm going to work. The mental stimulation I got from working and accomplish ing things
is something I personally need.
Am I a bad mom? thats for others to judge but I think in either scenario these kids would be just fine. I've been through enough to know I could turn to dust tomorrow. I'd hope that my kids could go on and be just fine without me. I had to do that losing my mom as a teen and having a dad that was never around.
I'm not going to judge anyone, I learned that the hard way what works for some doesn't work for all. I'm sure there are lots of moms who would rather not work and stay home but for me its not all glitter and gold.