Men don't have the right

mzteaze

Pilates and Yoga Kinda Gal
Perhaps it's just me, but I take issue with men who ask women to change their appearance to be more fitting to them is she had that appearance when they met. Changing your hairstyle, imo, is along the same lines of your man telling you how to dress, which is a huge red flag for me and is an indicator of being controlling.

I get where you are coming from, EllePixie, but honestly in a much broader sense, women do this to men too. They meet a guy that fits most of the tic marks on the "wishlist", but want to re-dress him, introduce him to new friends because they dislike some of his friends, etc.

I think, in general, both men and women make (some) changes to their style of dress or hair grooming based on feedback of their SO - whether it is directed or off the cuff. What woman hasn't asked how she looked before leaving home of their SO for a special occasion or event? Or some variation of that kind of question?

There is a difference between a person simply stating their preferences versus the more pointed action of personally selecting head to toe wardrobe and grooming for their SO.

I would be worried if a man was dictating which items could or could not be worn outside of their home (i.e. "You CANNOT wear a weave") versus the more casual statement like "I don't wigs/weaves/fake hair."
 

La Colocha

New Member
My dh doesn't like weaves on me and i don't like him to have a lot of hair, it has to be military cut. Tit for tat we both compromise and its ok.
 

EllePixie

New Member
I get where you are coming from, EllePixie, but honestly in a much broader sense, women do this to men too. They meet a guy that fits most of the tic marks on the "wishlist", but want to re-dress him, introduce him to new friends because they dislike some of his friends, etc.

I think, in general, both men and women make (some) changes their style of dress or hair grooming based on feedback of their SO - whether is directed or off the cuff. What woman hasn't asked how she looked before leaving home of their SO for a special occasion or event? Or some variation of that kind of question?

There is a difference between a person simply stating their preferences versus the more pointed action of personally selecting head to toe wardrobe and grooming for their SO.

I would be worried if a man was dictating which items could or could not be worn outside of their home (i.e. "You CANNOT wear a weave") versus the more casual statement like "I don't wigs/weaves/fake hair."

Oh...lol. I don't do that to men either so I guess I can't relate. The only time I ever tried to "dress" a SO was to suggest he get new jeans b/c his didn't fit...ie, they were highwater. :lol: Otherwise...his way of dress was his. I didn't like a lot of the clothes he wore, but I also wasn't going to buy him a new wardrobe, so I remained mum for the most part. It would be different if a man were commenting and the chick's weave looked messed up, like she had all kinds of tracks sticking out...

And I agree, many women ask for feedback...but don't we also do this simply with friends, and not just SOs?

I'm just not understanding the point of reiterating a dislike of something so trivial as a weave, that you already knew was there, it doesn't seem to come from a positive place to me. But I do agree with you that dictating is way worse.
 

Oasis

grabbing life by the pussy
men have the right to like and say whatever they want. i also have the right to not give a **** and KIM.*shrugs*
 

shunemite

New Member
Why is it that men feel they have a right to say if they hate weaves or not.
If the weave is done right you won't even know it's a weave. So why are they tripping?
I'm single as well. Men are visual. Men are touched by what they see, women are touched by what we hear. So a man saying he doesn't "like weaves" is the same thing to him as saying he only likes light skinned/ dark skinned women, or he only likes skinny girls/ curvy girls, or he only dates white girls/ black girls/ latinos/ Asians.

OP just find a man who likes you for YOU. I used to have such a big problem with men who only liked "(fill in the blank)" girls then I realized I can just focus on the ones who like me and support me. For example, I'm a little under 5'10", and for the longest guys who hated tall girls irked me, until I decided to focus on the ones who liked me and loved my height.

You WILL, I promise you OP, be satisfied if you just focus on the people/ guys who accept you and love you the way you are. Weave, wig, natural, relaxed.... you won't have to worry about feeling inadequate.
 

SUPER SWEET

Well-Known Member
Maybe you should find a man that likes weaves instead of complaining about men that don't? :look: *shrugs*

:lachen::lachen: Yup. You made me laugh so hard.

But I learned to pick what I like. No complaining anymore. Cause Im not fond of men with baldies. Something about a man shaving his head with a sharp instrument scares me.:ohwell::lachen:
 

mzteaze

Pilates and Yoga Kinda Gal
Oh...lol. I don't do that to men either so I guess I can't relate. The only time I ever tried to "dress" a SO was to suggest he get new jeans b/c his didn't fit...ie, they were highwater. :lol: Otherwise...his way of dress was his. I didn't like a lot of the clothes he wore, but I also wasn't going to buy him a new wardrobe, so I remained mum for the most part. It would be different if a man were commenting and the chick's weave looked messed up, like she had all kinds of tracks sticking out...

And I agree, many women ask for feedback...but don't we also do this simply with friends, and not just SOs?

I'm just not understanding the point of reiterating a dislike of something so trivial as a weave, that you already knew was there, it doesn't seem to come from a positive place to me. But I do agree with you that dictating is way worse.

This made me think of a recent trip into NYC with a male. There were a number of sad looking, ill cared for and very obvious weaves - enough that I could understand a comment from the male perspective cuz mentally I was thinking it.

While I recognize that many woman here on LHCF take pride in their hair, there is a disproportional number of women out there who have tired, sad and overworked weaves on their heads. For that reason, I don't take offense to a blanket statement of "I don't like weaves." I just don't see why he isn't allowed to have or express that opinion. Perhaps the better tactic is to simply ask WHY.

With regards to the feedback, sure women ask their friends for feedback. But how many threads have there been in OT about someone asking a question only to get answers back they didn't like? The same with asking a SO/mate, sometimes their response isn't what we want to hear.
 

EllePixie

New Member
This made me think of a recent trip into NYC with a male. There were a number of sad looking, ill cared for and very obvious weaves - enough that I could understand a comment from the male perspective cuz mentally I was thinking it.

While I recognize that many woman here on LHCF take pride in their hair, there is a disproportional number of women out there who have tired, sad and overworked weaves on their heads. For that reason, I don't take offense to a blanket statement of "I don't like weaves." I just don't see why he isn't allowed to have or express that opinion. Perhaps the better tactic is to simply ask WHY.

With regards to the feedback, sure women ask their friends for feedback. But how many threads have there been in OT about someone asking a question only to get answers back they didn't like? The same with asking a SO/mate, sometimes their response isn't what we want to hear.
Okay, I get where you are coming from. :yep: I think I got something a bit different from the OP than other ladies - I interpreted it more like, "why do men feel like it's okay for them to give their their unsolicited opinion on weaves," which is a pet peeve of mine.

Example - same ex (the one with those dang pants) absolutely couldn't STAND it when I wore glasses like the ones in my avi...he told me that he didn't like them because they covered up my pretty face :rolleyes:. Anyway, one day we were about to go out and I put them on, and he was like, "Uuuugh, can you not wear those?" And this one time...I was like...fine. And then, I was mad at myself for not wearing something that I liked simply because he didn't want me to. After that, I wore them whenever I wanted, and if he didn't want me to wear them I told him that he'd have to deal.

Re: feedback - I can't cosign with those shenanigans. If you're going to get upset when someone tells you something you don't want to hear, don't ask. Point blank, period. I understand that some people just go on OT (and hair) to vent, but ummm, you know where you are...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1tj2zJ2Wvg
 

Solitude

Well-Known Member
Silly me, but I take it as a compliment when a man prefers my hair to a weave. *Kanye shrug*

I was going to say the same thing. I started a thread recently about women wearing weaves at a club I was at. My date said I have nice hair and didn't need a weave, anyway.

Every guy I have ever been in a relationship with expressed a preference for real hair. I wear my own hair 95% of the time, but wasn't like any of them dumped me for getting a weave.

I like a man with a Caesar and I have no problem telling men that!
 

EllePixie

New Member
I was going to say the same thing. I started a thread recently about women wearing weaves at a club I was at. My date said I have nice hair and didn't need a weave, anyway.

Every guy I have ever been in a relationship with expressed a preference for real hair. I wear my own hair 95% of the time, but wasn't like any of them dumped me for getting a weave.

I like a man with a Caesar and I have no problem telling men that!

I don't like it when men compliment me by expressing dislike or insulting other women. Just like I don't like it when a man tells me he doesn't like relaxers and prefers natural hair. I'm like, "Dude, you could have just said, 'I like your hair.'" Ya know? It just rubs me the wrong way.

And ooh, you didn't say you were on a date in that thread! I see you... :drunk:
 

Sesi

New Member
why should a man or anybody for that matter like everything about you? even if they like you just as you are, there are things they will dislike about you, and things they will downright hate. it's the same for everyone. friends, family, significant others...everyone. Its because we are human and not perfect. someone loving you doesn't mean that they have to like everything about you or not voice what they don't like about you.

it just confuses me when people say/act like if someone loves you then they leave you be forever. sure they don't control you, but they do tell you what it is they don't like.... no?
 

nappystorm

Well-Known Member
I was going to say the same thing. I started a thread recently about women wearing weaves at a club I was at. My date said I have nice hair and didn't need a weave, anyway.

Every guy I have ever been in a relationship with expressed a preference for real hair. I wear my own hair 95% of the time, but wasn't like any of them dumped me for getting a weave.

I like a man with a Caesar and I have no problem telling men that!

I'm saying, you don't want to go around your man one day wearing your real hair and he looks at you like :look: because it's jacked.

ETA: I'm a hair stan but it is not that serious to go around foaming at the mouth because a man expressed a preference for a certain hairstyle. Tis all.
 
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FutureMD

New Member
Elle, do you need your glasses? I'm just asking because the comparison between something that you need to function is different from the comparison with something that you are just wearing (like the weave). I don't own contacts and I am super near-sighted, so it would be impossible for me not to wear my glasses. I think both requests (weave or glasses) are ridiculous by the way, and not to split hairs, but it's a bit different.

I wish the original poster would chime in to explain her situation. Everyone is speculating and reading her comment a different way. I assumed that she was saying in general, not that someone in particular came up and commented on her weave or appearance.

But yes, it is unnecessary to hide a compliment to one person in an insult to others, and nice to hear that there are women astute enough to notice that. Some people don't really care if they are the one getting praised. I think that if a person was really thinking ahead, they'd just give a plain compliment, b/c the insult might have applied to you in the past, or might apply to someone that you are close to, in which case you might also be offended.

In the end, it's just better to try to pick what you want rather than trying to alter what someone is. But we know that that there are both men and women who will criticize or try to change things about people that they are with.
 

blackbarbietea

New Member
When my girl puts glue in weave and I have to be the one who to take is out and hear her complain that she lost so much hair taking out the glue.... but I don't know or have the right to say anything PLEASE.

YOU are a rare occasion. I wouldn't have my man helping me take out glue in extentions. ALSO, she shouldnt be wearing them in the first place. Because everyone knows that crap rips your hair out.
 

blackbarbietea

New Member
I met my husband wearing weaves and peices and all types of secret clip ins. Now that we're married, he prefers me natural. The reason? I never realized how much cultural difference there is in just our hair. No you cannot push me into the pool. No we cannot randomly go to the beach to go swimming because my hair is in cornrows underneath my wig and what if it floats off...not to MENTION the tangles... Do you realize how much this wig/half-wig/sew-in/clip-ins/ponytail cost?! No you cannot run your hands all up and through my tracks. So many simple gestures like him tugging on my hair or getting his fingers caught in a track would leave me angry and pissed.

Honestly when the man who loves you can't run his fingers though your hair because it must look good at all times or you dont want him to get caugh...wth? Now I'm not talking about your big mouth dude on the corner who has opinions about every female that walks by him, but I'm talking about in a relationship. I know my hubby prefers me natural so he can be spontaneous. But after having two kids and letting the emphasis on looking "done" at all times go down on the priority scale, I've learned that him saying he doesn't like weaves doesn't mean he's saying he doesn't like me.

I still wear my peices now and then, and it drives him wild when I wear the long ones, but because I know his prefernece, I try to please him. The same way he does for me. But honestly, if I told him how much I'd prefer he'd not wear a particualr cologne, and not only did he wear the cologne and tell me that it's his body and he can wear whatever he wants to wear and I should just deal with it because he's not going to change for me..what is he really saying?
I know I used to get so defensive when he would say things like, "Why don't you wear these tonight", or "Can we just go, you don't need make-up to go to the store" or "Honey, maybe this would look good on you" or "Baby...do you really need to do your hair again" Because I felt like he had no right to request anything of me. I'm a grown woman and I make my own decisions and no man is going to "run" me. I was like, "Excuse me, who asked you if I cared what you thought."

But what he hears is, "Your opinion doesnt matter to me because I dont care what you think or how you prefer me. You had better deal with what I like or you can kick rocks. You had better say you like it with a smile on your face."
If the man is worthy of compromise and if he's willing to do it for you, then you can go a week without a peice and it will be okay. It takes practice letting go of the "image" of what you think he should like versus the reality. Compromise.

Girl, out of everyone in this topic with their opinions, this is the one that I can understand. Thanks for your opinion. And when put that way, I can understand it.
 

diadall

New Member
My SO likes putting his hands in my hair and I like it when he does.

I don't think men think they have a right, I think they are just have a preference.

When it comes to my hair and when I ask suggestions he always says, "the decision is yours."
 

blackbarbietea

New Member
HOL UP.

I think you guys are clearly reading my OP in like 20 different ways.

I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.

My SO could really care less. As long as it's nice. And I usually wear my real hair out, which is between APL and BSL.

I can understand the hair touching thing, and even a few of the other comments.

The reason behind this post was me expressing my frustration with the idea that women will completely change what they have been already doing just because their hubby or bf says "Oh I hate weaves".

Okay, you hate weaves, get over it. I'm still going to wear them. As long as they're nice, he's still attracted to you..etc..so it shouldn't matter.

TBH, people will think what they wanna think so I know an opinion is there. it always will be. Just like how most of the responders think i have some kind of relationship issue with my SO and that i have some kind of I AM BLACK WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR attitude. Or how I'm always gonna be alone because of said attitude. If you knew me, you'd know I'm not even like that.

I just made a simple observation and wanted feedback and different opinions. Which I obviously got. I want to see different perspectives. And while filtering through everyone's opinions of what they think I really meant, I do understand MORE than I did before about the comment of "oh my bf/hubby hates weaves".

alright, I get it now (for the most part.):rolleyes:
 

nappystorm

Well-Known Member
I guess I don't care because I'm going to do whatever I want anyway. I may compromise every now and then but the ultimate decision is mine.

My statement was general because these threads come up from time to time and there is extra-ness every time. There is a distinction between a man preferring something and a man being controlling. Unfortunately, I don't think some posters *in general* know the difference. I've had men prefer my hair a certain way but none ever demanded that I do so. If a man is pressuring a woman to change or she feels the need to change to keep him, then they have deeper issues than hair.
 

reeko43

Well-Known Member
The reason behind this post was me expressing my frustration with the idea that women will completely change what they have been already doing just because their hubby or bf says "Oh I hate weaves".

Okay, you hate weaves, get over it. I'm still going to wear them. As long as they're nice, he's still attracted to you..etc..so it shouldn't matter.

I don't know why you would be frustrated by what someone else chooses to do with their situation. For some couples, that may be what works for them. You may only see one side but not the man's side who has compromised to his woman's desires. And, even if the woman is blindly doing whatever her man wants, is that really anyone else's business? Now if she were being treated like a slave and getting her butt kicked, that would be different.

I have made it known to my husband many times that I don't like anything but short hair on a man and I definitely don't like fake hair on a man. If my husband came home with a lacefront toupee like Steve Harvey and Bishop Eddie Long wear, he would have something to deal with. Let's just say the glue on his forehead would still be wet as he was returning that hot garbage to the store he got it from. We have both compromised on things the other had a strong negative opinion about. That is what life and love are about.
 

nappystorm

Well-Known Member
I don't know why you would be frustrated by what someone else chooses to do with their situation. For some couples, that may be what works for them. You may only see one side but not the man's side who has compromised to his woman's desires. And, even if the woman is blindly doing whatever her man wants, is that really anyone else's business? Now if she were being treated like a slave and getting her butt kicked, that would be different.

I have made it known to my husband many times that I don't like anything but short hair on a man and I definitely don't like fake hair on a man. If my husband came home with a lacefront toupee like Steve Harvey and Bishop Eddie Long wear, he would have something to deal with. Let's just say the glue on his forehead would still be wet as he was returning that hot garbage to the store he got it from. We have both compromised on things the other had a strong negative opinion about. That is what life and love are about.
:lachen::lachen::lachen:
 

ErikaUK

Active Member
All I can say is more power to me that I don't listen to the opinions of men (or anyone else) when it comes to my hair.
When I first met my SO I was wearing braids. The braids pulled my hair out at the front so I took them down. He used to go on and on about me putting them back in... I ignored him.
I relaxed my hair - then it broke - so I chopped my hair short. Still he went on about me getting braids again because I looked better. I ignored him.
I started looking around for wigs so I could give my hair a break. He expressed that he HATES wigs. I ignored him.

He liked weaves though.

Now my hair is getting healthy and long (for me!) and is natural. He, I'm certain, would prefer me in a weave.

All that said, he has only expressed his opinions, and never was too forceful with them (apart from the wig thing, and I still didn't listen). His opinions are based on what is aesthetically pleasing to him - not what is good for my hair. He is white, never really been exposed to black people other than myself - so I will allow his ignorance, but just wont let it affect me and my decisions on what to do with my hair.
 

Shadiyah

Well-Known Member
cause they like to know they can put their hands all up your hair when they want to

I ain't gonna front....I like it too:look:

I was getting ready to say the same thing too. and weave hair gets all over everything, it leaves a trail. it is bad enough that black women worry so much about getting their hair wet and now their fingers get stuck somewhere in no mans land once they try to glide lol. well I never liked wigs when I was little I say rock what you got. in out life style as a muslim woman we wet our hair a lot so the last thing a brother wants to hear is you can't get none because I just got my hair did lol
 

lesedi

All is well with me
I hear you OP. I wouldn't completely change my hairstyle to suit a partner's preference because my hair would most likely not be on my head if i did. In my experience, most men want swanging, blown out hair on the regular...and that is just not going to happen daily:nono:
When it comes down to it, they can say what they want, as long as they still find you attractive; are getting regular coochie;there's a plate waiting fo him; you have good conversation and you keep in shape.....THAT MAN IS GOING NOWHERE.

On the other hand, I would file for divorce IMMEDIATELY if:
1) Relaxer has touched my man's head
2) he gets braids or cornrows
 

ActionActress

New Member
I think men (assuming we're are speaking on black men)

Don't like the unnatural looking types of weaves. Also I think a man likes to see *you*. If the weave looks nice and natural and it fits you , he probably wouldn't mind it. There are lots of variables to think about.

This same argument can go to make-up. Men say they don't like make-up but what they mean is they don't like heavy clown like make-up. If natural looking and well blended sometimes they are unaware that you are wearing make-up even if the eyeshadow is pink. lol.

AA
 

nikolite

Well-Known Member
While I think men do have a right to like it or not, I don't think they have the right to say it to us whether personally or in public like they always do. The men who typically say this are also the ones who still desire and are attracted to women with long, straight hair. They are saying much more than they think they are, and I think talking about weave is a proxy for another statement they're trying to make.

When I hear men talk about how much they hate weave, I hear three things:

1) I want you to have long, silky hair that you probably could not naturally produce on your own.

2) But I don't want you to buy it--I want it to be yours no matter what you have to go through to make it seem so (without me knowing).

And therefore, 3) I wish you were mixed/white/non-black, etc. because that's honestly the only way I can have my wishes met when dating most black women.

So I find it offensive when they turn their noses up to weaves.
 

bride91501

Well-Known Member
My goodness. I guess I'm just gonna have to agree to disagree with most of my LHCF sisters on this one.

Or, maybe we're not talking about the same kind of man. I'm talking about a GOOD man, who means the world to you, and you to him, and he treats you as such. If this wonderful man said to you, "Babe, would you consider wearing your own hair instead of the weave?", that all of a sudden means he hates short-hair, & really wants a mixed or white girl?? I'm so confused :perplexed

I hope that, for those of you who are looking for a life partner, you develop the insight to understand that compromise is essential to keeping a relationship strong and healthy.

Tis all. (quietly steps off her pulpit)
 
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