Is it okay to feel guilty about being relaxed?

First of all.... if you are a relaxer-bashing or natural-bashing person with nothing positive to say.... please STAY OUT out this thread... I don't need any drama.

As most of you (who know me) know, I was natural for like 4 years, but was very very unhappy, near depressed about my hair... but was afraid to relax cos I have a YT channel (and was afraid of the blow-back) + I feel like I just failed to "love myself" in a weird kinda way.... Well, I decided that my mental health was way more important than all of that, relaxed my hair... and have been happy as a bird for almost a yr and a half...

My relaxed hair is waaayyy easier to care for (time-wise), I feel so much more confident in how I look (constantly rocking braids/cornrows just made me feel juvenile), I am retaining every inch.... hit bsl, 1/2 inch from mbl, and on track for wsl all in this yr.... have my reggie solid, self relaxing etc....

So what's the problem? To be clear, I think that people should do what they please with their hair (relax,color,cut... whatever makes them happy) and it has no effect on their level of "black love" (for lack of a better term) ....

BUT I feel like my hair type (very fine cnapps, 4c, very kinky 4b) is still out there when it comes to making it look glamorous especially.... caring for it since it's so breakage prone, all the time it takes to style it etc... and I feel like almost every other hair type... 4A and below have figured it out, and we haven't... I know that chopping off my MBL hair and starting again is a recipe for disaster given how I felt with my natural hair.... but I feel I should be part of the "movement" to figure out how to EASILY care for this hair and make it look sexy and glamorous in every modern type of way (vs an abstract inner beauty ish).... The only way I know to care for it is rock twists 24/7... but there has to be another way.... I feel like we at least have to give people with our hair type a choice to be natural knowing that they will look gorgeous ........ I feel like we have to figure out a way for our old fashioned parents (mine included) who thinks natural hair looks unkempt need to proven wrong and the only way is to show them how outwardly pretty our hair can be.... I dont know... I have a lot of feelings I guess.... I feel like even though I dont know how, I should try to help make this happen, especially since I have a YT channel (no matter how small the following).......

Am I crazy for feeling like this? I'll probably get to Waist lenght before I do anything crazy to my hair...

Pinging some ladies to chime in.... Feel free to tag more positive people...

Nonie NappyNelle faithVA virtuousNow sunnieb Mslala mwedzi Allandra Supergirl againstallodds divachyk

I kinda know how you feel. Sometimes I feel.like if I were to relax Id be selling out or feeling like I couldnt appreciate my God given hair or something. But its really, imo, whatever makes you feel pretty and fits your lifestyle. So no, its not okay (imo) to feel bad over a chemical process.

I believe I would feel kind of guilty if I were relaxed too. It's funny b/c I felt the same way about my relaxed hair as you do about natural. It took so much time and energy to stretch, grow, and care for just to have it melt off every time I relaxed...I just gave up on relaxed hair; had no idea what I was tackling w/going natural, didn't think about it...

I am determined to figure this 4b/c thing out. I never see people w/our hair type w/thriving hair that they actually wear and enjoy in beautiful styles. I am determined to prove that we can grow our hair and WEAR it too. All of this has a code to "break", we are the originators.

Don't get me wrong, I do see a few 4b/c people out there that are doing awesome that I follow, like Sunshower143 (LovelyNaps26). But then I see so many others that reach long lengths and give up (cut or relax) b/c its so "unmanageable" or time consuming. This is not the truth for our hair, and its time to learn this. I believe it is our time to over come this so called obstacle and be on TOP. We have one of the most beautiful hair types out there. Our hair can do things that absolutely no one else can do. It's our time to own it.

As for me, I learned that it is possible to detangle and stretch w/o pain and w/o taking 10 hrs like I used to. Major milestone in my 85% shrinkage hair was getting detangling down to 1hr or less and washing less than an hour. I am tackling styling and growth right now too. Making major milestones that I can't wait to report on and then teach others once I have perfected it.

Thanks for the tag!

I want to chime in.....but I have to wash my hair.

I may be back.

It's ok to feel what you feel, but I'm the opposite.

I LOVE being relaxed! I feel no guilt whatsoever!

I almost got caught up in the "movement", but I actually swayed back the other way full force. I like being different and doing what I want to do. I felt pressured to go natural. Then I was like...really? Da hayle am I feeling pressure over my own dang hair??? Who says only natural hair can grow long and relaxed hair is limp and breaking????? I love proving that lie wrong everyday.

Why should I feel guilty about relaxing? Shoo, I'm counting down the weeks until I relax in September! Check me out in the relaxer reveal thread.

pre_medicalrulz said:

I want to chime in.....but I have to wash my hair.

I may be back.

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How typical :eyeroll:

I don't feel guilty at all. I am ride or die relaxed and I love my hair. I take care of it and I am very knowledgeable about healthy hair care practices. Natural haired ladies actually come to me for advice and I am totally okay with that. I'm one of those people that really don't care what other people do with their hair... the relaxed thing is working for me just fine. Just do you! Love ya!

OP, there's no reason for you to feel guilty about a styling choice. If you prefer, relaxed hair, that's your choice and preference.

I understand what your saying but I don't care if my hair is natural or relaxed i appreciate it if its healthy

I don't think you should feel guilty because you relax. I am one of those people that don't think whatever decision you make about your hair should be a political statement. Its just hair. There are way more important things you could be doing to give black people a better image or help the community than not relaxing. I think some people place way too much importance on hair. At the end of the day what you decide to do with your hair doesn't make you less proud to be black etc...

If you feel more at peace with your hair and you're seeing progress as a relaxed head then do you. If other people have a problem with it that's their problem not yours. Not everyone is going to like the hair that comes from their head the way it is, and that's ok. It doesn't mean you hate yourself. Hair is just that; hair. Take it for what it is. Put it in its place of importance. The movement is a good thing. I think its getting a lot of women to discover what they have naturally and many love their hair. But if you don't that is no reflection on you as a person. Its just a personal choice. Don't stress it.

virtuenow said:

I believe I would feel kind of guilty if I were relaxed too. It's funny b/c I felt the same way about my relaxed hair as you do about natural. It took so much time and energy to stretch, grow, and care for just to have it melt off every time I relaxed...I just gave up on relaxed hair; had no idea what I was tackling w/going natural, didn't think about it...

I am determined to figure this 4b/c thing out. I never see people w/our hair type w/thriving hair that they actually wear and enjoy in beautiful styles. I am determined to prove that we can grow our hair and WEAR it too. All of this has a code to "break", we are the originators.

Don't get me wrong, I do see a few 4b/c people out there that are doing awesome that I follow, like Sunshower143 (LovelyNaps26). But then I see so many others that reach long lengths and give up (cut or relax) b/c its so "unmanageable" or time consuming. This is not the truth for our hair, and its time to learn this. I believe it is our time to over come this so called obstacle and be on TOP. We have one of the most beautiful hair types out there. Our hair can do things that absolutely no one else can do. It's our time to own it.

As for me, I learned that it is possible to detangle and stretch w/o pain and w/o taking 10 hrs like I used to. Major milestone in my 85% shrinkage hair was getting detangling down to 1hr or less and washing less than an hour. I am tackling styling and growth right now too. Making major milestones that I can't wait to report on and then teach others once I have perfected it.

Thanks for the tag!

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virtuenow exactly.... I'm absolutely enjoying being relaxed... But I feel like for our hair type... There has to be a way.... I feel like we should truly have a choice on whether we should be relaxed or natural cos we know how to rock it either way... I don't know how to truly rock my natural texture... + I'm so hair lazy... I live in buns... My wash days take 1 hr.... Why can't I figure how to have an easy, hassle free, and sexy routine with my natural texture is just beyond me...

I totally understand! Everyone is natural. Its like its taking over the world lol. And you used to be natural, but it wasn't for you. Some ppl try to make you feel bad, as though you weren't strong enough or dont love yourself enough. That couldn't be further from the truth. Fighting the constant "go natural" fr3nzy takes strength.

Although im natural now, I have no intentions of staying this way. In fact, I already have my plans set for my virgin relaxer. And im not ashamed. Nor do I feel guilty. I want what I want. This is a right we all have. Whenever you feel lonely, just know you've got a bunch of firecrackers here ready to slide a lil advice your way. Or just give you a place to vent. Congrats on reaching all your milestones!

no one can make me feel guilty about MY hair.
If they have to wash & take care of my hair daily.... ok sorry my hair can be mean & time consuming..
everybody else.
what's up w that?
why u hating on me?
I'm gonna grow it as long as I can
& whip my hair back & forth! lol

I think you are putting far too much pressure on yourself unnecessarily. Let someone who likes doing hair "save the 4 naturals" if they even need saving. I think if you were to try to do it, it would be effective because you just aren't feeling it.

My hair isn't long so I don't have any idea how bad it can get. But as a 4, I'm not part of any movement. I'm not feeling bad because I can't put my hair in xyz style. I didn't wear my hair in glamour styles when I was relaxed

Stop feeling guilty. You felt bad when you were natural and now you are feeling bad when you are relaxed. When are you going to allow yourself to be happy?

I have seen your hair and subbed to your you tube channel.You have gorgeous hair and it is thriving. If you are happy, don't feel guilty. I go back and forth with my hair and have the BC record here. It is your hair and noone has the rights to tell you what to do with it. Rock it and be proud!

I know I wasn't tagged but I wanted to comment briefly anyway:

There is no point in feeling guilty about anything you do with your hair.
It's your hair. You'll do what you want with it. You'll do what makes you feel good, and look good in your eyes.
F everything else.

When being natural didn't work out for me I did feel a little guilty. After almost 3 years I still couldn't find my groove with my natural hair. But then I thought about the reason why I joined LHCF... to grow my hair unbelievably long. I thought to my self, I can't see my length when I'm natural any ways.. so I relaxed my hair , and the guilt was gone.

Long story short.... I wanted to see my length so I relaxed.

virtuenow said:

How typical :eyeroll:

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Oooohhh sookie sookie nah! You sweatin' me chic??

Miss Judy, after reading all the comments it looks like you got a lot of good adv so I wont repeat it. I agree w/ the majority, esp sunnieb, just do you.

I'm kind of in the same situation, and trying to decide if I want to relax again. Its been almost two years. All I can do is wear my hair in buns. I look for other hair styles, but they do not look good on me. I felt SO guilty after I relaxed the last time though. Like I'm agreeing that only straight hair is attractive, which I don't feel. But my limited hair styles make me feel unhappy and unattractive. That I look like a boy. I only like the part of my hair that spirals. Which is less than half of it. I still don't know what to do. I feel like I should keep going with being natural.

If this were the late 1960's, then perhaps going from natural to relaxed may have been viewed negatively..black folks were about getting in touch with all of our blackness and embracing the part of us that we had always been ridiculed or judged on...our hair...flash forward to 2013, and its all about health of your scalp, hair, and accepting the versatility of our hair..wether it's relaxed or natural....I began my journey to become natural in 2009, and haven't looked back...I love the texture of my natural hair, and the diversity of styles it affords me...but most important, I'm happy!!! That's all you should be worried about..I think black women are finally embracing our hair as..our hair...and we can do with it what we please and it doesn't have to have anything to do with politics as it did in the late 60's and 70's..it's all about us.

JudithO, thanks for the mention. I truly appreciate you considering me a positive person. Please do not feel guilty and enjoy the option you've chosen. I'm totally comfortable with being relaxed. If it lifts your spirits any, most naturals that I know IRL suggest they would have stayed relaxed if their hair would have thrived during their relaxed days. I don't feel pressured to be relaxed or natural even when everyone around me is mostly natural. Tbh, my hair gains the most attention in my circle, not because I'm relaxed, but because of the length. I don't believe folks (eta: the folks that I know IRL) really have an issue with natural or relaxed, they look at length and judge a book by that cover. I conclude with, I make decisions for me vs. what others may think and I suggest you do the same. Folks will talk smack whether you're relaxed or natural, that my friend, you cannot avoid.

Take the world off your shoulders for a minute. What feels best for YOU? Not what others expect but what feels right for your hair at this time? Go with that. Don't feel guilty.

Girl there is no need to feel guilty you know why ? Because its YOUR hair you can do whatever you want to it if you care about what people think you will never be happy dont carry the whole world on your shoulders

I loveeee being relaxed I have been relaxed since my child hood went natural twice all my friends are going natural always pressuring me to saying relaxers are going to make me bald lol whatever to me healthy hair is all the matters since i started my hair journey I have noticed great improvement !

So do what what makes you happy natural or relaxed doesnt matter hair is hair ur hair doesnt define u

Hmmm I have been natural, then relaxed at least 3 or 4 times in the past 7 or so years. I don't believe in feeling guilty about my personal hair choices nor do I believe in sticking with something that doesn't make me happy. I say don't put the weight of th 4b natural world on your shoulders, if it was making depressed etc it is most certainly not worth it.

I totally feel your dilemma; even though I have mastered taking care of my natural texture without causing breakage and damage through stretching my relaxers, and found my go-to products that work on both my natural and relaxed hair, I am constantly thinking that I should just take the plunge and transition back to natural over the course of a year or two.

But when it comes right down to it, I just don't want to, even if it would be healthier for my hair, and I did get compliments on the unique look it gave me (when it was on the longer side). After doing the math so to speak, I found that my hair in its natural state was more high maintenance than when it's relaxed, and taking all that time and effort to care for it to keep it that way just for the sake of having natural hair doesn't make enough sense for my life right now. It's like opting to go from the East Coast to the West Coast on foot rather than taking a plane because it's more "natural" and environmentally friendly to walk--technically sound in theory, but lousy in practice, unless you are a marathon runner.

Also, the shrinkage issue wore me down. At a 90% shrinkage rate, I couldn't bear the idea of having waist-length hair that shows as ear length unless I forced it to show with time-consuming and potentially harmful methods that carry the same risks and damage as a relaxer.

I say if you're happier relaxed, and your hair is healthy and growing, then do you. That's what individual, informed decisions are all about. At the end of the day, you have to feel good about yourself, both inside and out. And if relaxed hair can help you achieve this better than natural hair, don't be ashamed. That's what personal style is all about.

Take care, and happy (relaxed) hair growing!

OP, thank you for putting how you're feeling out there!

I'm natural, and was debating whether to relax or become a heat-natural, and I was feeling the guilt too. If I jump off, then can I really encourage someone else to embrace their own hair texture? How can I argue that natural, type 4, cottony, and kinky hair was beautiful too while not wearing my hair in that state?

But then I go out and see tons and tons of naturals, a lot that maybe recently went natural, walking around and no one seems to even care anymore. When I first went natural, I could go through my city and see no other natural. I couldn't wait for the day that I could be somewhere that natural hair didn't stand out or get weird looks. Living here has really helped my hair go from being something special to just being my regular ole hair .
I also realized that the natural hair police have no power in the real world and only really exist online . I mean, no one's standing in front of the grocery stores, snapping pictures and taking "but how do you really feel about your hair/being black" surveys .

Wearing my hair straightened for over the past week, I feel a bit guilty for accepting the compliments about how good my hair looks straight. The thing is my hair does look better straightened because I look better with long hair (shrinkage kills that) and it's so much easier for me to get up and look done. Even now I feel like I have to justify liking my straight hair more !! I love my hair this way because I just do! There I said it .

You can still be apart of the hair movement. We've got list of causes to represent for: natural hair is beautiful; black women can grow long hair; hair can be relaxed and healthy; type 4s can grow long hair; hair can be healthy with heat, etc. Just pick one that fits with how you want to wear your hair and you'll still be doing your part for the cause .

I really intend on relaxing lightly, just haven't gone in to get it done. I'll probably wait until some time after giving birth and see what shedding or hair changes happen first. I suppose i'll feel a little guilty since it seems like some people looked at my hair and, with it being so kinky but still long (until i cut it off), figured if I could do it they could too. It's like my hair became a role model for "it's possible" and people might see me relaxing as saying "in fact, it's not possible." Especially since if people know my feelings, they know I prefer the look of long natural hair. So if I give it up even when I prefer the way it looks, I'm sending the message that I find upkeep so burdensome that I have to give up my style preference because of it. It's true though. The dual truth is, I *can* grow this hair long, style it and wear it out. I have the pictures to show it and have done so for at least 18 years now. But also that having long loose hair of this texture is a maintenance burden for me that my life is allowing for less and less. I can't really feel guilty for that truth, but I am disappointed by it.

sunnieb said:

It's ok to feel what you feel, but I'm the opposite.

I LOVE being relaxed! I feel no guilt whatsoever!

I almost got caught up in the "movement", but I actually swayed back the other way full force. I like being different and doing what I want to do. I felt pressured to go natural. Then I was like...really? Da hayle am I feeling pressure over my own dang hair??? Who says only natural hair can grow long and relaxed hair is limp and breaking????? I love proving that lie wrong everyday.

Why should I feel guilty about relaxing? Shoo, I'm counting down the weeks until I relax in September! Check me out in the relaxer reveal thread.

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same here

I haven't read any other post except the OP so this response is to that post alone.

JudithO, I cannot identify with frustrations or negative reactions to 4B hair because that has never been my life. I grew up around people with natural hair and have dealt with it most of my life. When I relaxed it wasn't to gain acceptance or to run away from my own hair because I found it unbearable. I relaxed because combing kinky hair used to mean breakage since I didn't know that there were other ways/states in which to comb it than dry and greased up. So I thought smoothing out the kinks meant less hair catching on the comb and breaking, so longer lengths. That was the only reason for me relaxing my hair: so it would grow longer. Learning more about my hair and that it could grow long without being relaxed has made relaxing so not appealing to me. I appreciate both relaxed and natural hair in others but I love my hair being natural and I have never felt any pressure to do anything to my hair I don't want to.

So usually unless I am posting to reassure someone who feels uneasy about her hair, I usually skip over these sort of threads coz I have nothing profound to post (or just can't grasp the topic) and if I post all I do is tell people to do what makes them happy. I don't worry about other people's feelings when it comes to making choices that make me happy so I can't really identify with that concern. I suppose I would have to believe I am so influential to the world to think what I do affects others like that.

Anyway, unless you have a child whose self-esteem and appreciation of her intrinsic beauty you are trying to cultivate or you work with kids that you are trying to groom to feel good about natural hair and their God-given traits, I say do you. Life is too short to be worrying about pleasing everyone. It could be that folks aren't checking you like that anymore and you were just a 7-day wonder. A star is born everyday so folks will be OK and drooling over the next gorgeous mane if yours is no longer it.

Is it OK to feel guilty about being relaxed? Guilt is a feeling one has for doing wrong. I would have to believe relaxing was a sin or a crime to understand anyone feeling guilty about it. So from where I stand, it is not OK to feel guilty about being relaxed. But maybe if I subscribed to a religion that preaches against it, I might think it's OK to feel guilty.

OP in my honest opinion... there's no reason for you to feel guilty. I mean... I totally get where you're coming from but there's no need to be a martyr for natural/relaxed hair. If it's healthy/thriving and makes you happy... that is all you truly need. Don't put your power into the hands of others. Their opinions are just that... THEIRS. (And you KNOW what they say about opinions right? ) Do what makes you happy. That's all I'd ever want for any of my LHCF sisters.

Stop stressing and enjoy your hair.