Is "Love" Enough to Enter AND Sustain a Marriage?

In the world in which we live, the answer would be no. I think we can all see that by just flipping on the tv or reading the news.

But I am not asking about the world. I am asking about our community as Christians. And it is a two-part question: 1) Is love enough to enter a marriage? and 2) is love enough to sustain a marriage.

So what are your thoughts? Also, what does love look like when you meet your future husband? What does love look like when you are in a marriage?

P.S.
I remember listening to this excerpt from Paul Washer a few years ago and wholeheartedly agreeing with him. (It is kind of related to my questions above, but not entirely.) This is for those interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoQEljfJEcc.

loolalooh


Heyyyyyyyyy girl!!!!


No I don't so.. Will explain more later..

Marriage is a vocation which means it includes a mission of helping your spouse get to heaven. The foundation of the Christian marriage must be Christ (the 3rd strand in the cord). The love that each partner has for Christ should be stronger than what each has for the other because it is the love for Christ that will nurture everything else.

Love in the sense of eros (which is what the world esteems as "love") is not enough. The agape servant love and philios brotherly love must also be intact because physical/sexual attraction will probably fade. Even the feeling of being "in love" may wax and wane but at the end of the day, you should care deeply about the general well-being of the person you marry.

I have no idea what love looks like when you meet the one since I haven't met him yet. However, since Christ is the model of Love, I imagine it will involve some suffering. I will never forget a homily/sermon I heard when true love was described as the Cross. If I'm not willing to really serve that person and submit to that person, then he couldn't be the one for me.

My good friend is close to engagement and I recently spent time with her and the guy. It wouldn't be me. While she is also a Christian, her belief about marriage is different than mine. I believe God has an ideal person in mind for us if we let Him work it out and He can bring the two together. She believes in choosing from among several suitable candidates. I think she can do better but she seems happy with him. Obviously, I don't know the dynamics of their relationship behind closed doors.

I generally like Paul Washer and will watch that video when I go home later.

Here's what you need:

1) God as the center of your marriage

People treat marriage as a personal choice or preference like choosing a car, or what to major in for college. Marriage is a sacred covenant instituted by God, and it is a vocation (a life-calling). With it comes certain responsibilities to both God, your spouse, and your (potential) children.

Marriage is the union of a man and a woman, joined for life, wherein they pledge not only their mutual support and fidelity, but also freely give themselves to each other and are open to procreation.

By making God the center of your marriage, you are seeking and acknowledging His will for you, you and your spouse are praying together, going to church together, and growing together.

2) Love

You need more than just romantic love. You need AGAPE love. In classic Christianity, love has often been defined as "willing the good of another." To love your spouse, you need to will his (or her) mental, physical, and spiritual good or well-being. St. Paul tells husbands that they must love their wives as Christ loves the Church--willing to lay down their lives for their wives. This love also includes patience, compassion, forgiveness, and faithfulness.

3) Compatibility

He may be godly, and you may be godly, but also pay attention to compatibility. How are your views on child-rearing, on being a stay-at-home parent or both parents working? What are your financial habits like? Are you frugal and your partner a big-spender? Are you a neat freak and your partner a slob? What are your temperaments and personalities like? Introvert vs. Extrovert? Hot-headed or cool and collected? You don't have to share the same hobbies or interests, but are there some activities you enjoy together as part of your bonding? Also, consider if you're going through this thinking with a clear head--if he shows signs of infidelity, abusiveness, addiction, etc. these are red flags and do not assume that marrying him will calm him down or change him. Use common sense (and it's easier to use it when you're not entangled in pre-marital sex).

4) Communication

Men and women think differently, and sometimes the differences can cause misunderstanding or friction. Sometimes something that doesn't seem like a big deal to him was an event that hurt your feelings--talk to him and explain. Guys don't know how to read minds, so 90% of the time if you want him to do something, you need to plainly tell him.

If you tell your guy about a problem you're having, most likely, he'll assume you want him to do something about it or try and fix it--they don't hand you a tissue and chocolates like your girlfriends would. If you don't want him to try and fix it, let him know you're just looking for a sympathetic ear.

Guys like to feel respected and useful, especially to the women they love.

No secrets. No lies.

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Brilliant Galadriel

Thanks, ladies. I need to chew on these responses for a bit and am open to more. In the meantime:

sweetvi: heyyyy!! Looking forward to your response.

Belle Du Jour: Definitely something to chew on, especially the vocation part. Thanks! Do you think some Christians mess up at this part ... at choosing marriage for themselves as opposed to choosing marriage as a vocation? I'd imagine the increasing divorce rate in the church is due to a number of things, including lacking agape love, etc.

Galadriel: Again, definitely something to chew on. Thanks! Can you talk more about compatibility? It's interesting, because that is something mentioned in the video as well except he states that husbands and wives may be "incompatible" on purpose. (If I remember correctly; have to watch it again later.) I know in the world, it can be taken too far but as Christians, do some things that appear incompatible disappear with agape love? (For example, neat freak vs slob?)

Yes.

But I am talking about the real biblical 1 Cor. 13 love, not feeling emotion. When people hear the word love, they think of a feeling or an emotion and that's not what love is. Love is a mindset and a purpose. The bible says love endures all things and believes and hopes all things. GOD IS LOVE. So yes the biblical love, (not the TV drama stuff we see) can endure and sustain anything. The bible says faith, and prophecy will cease but LOVE is forever. Charity is the bond for everything.When you purpose to love someone, you can make it through anything. But if you love by feeling or circumstance, you wont make it.

I will be getting married on November 2nd , I know I keep adding that, I'm just excited but I have learning already! You don't love looking for something in return because thats not love ,that's sensuality and selfishness. And we don't love looking to be rewarded either. Love seeks not her own, but on the things of others. Love has nothing to do with us, but it's a giving away of self.

My FH gets on my nerves sometimes , but that's good ,I dont need to have no nerves anyway.God is working those "nerves" out of me. But my love can't waiver because we disagree or have an argument. because if it did, it wouldnt be love in the first place. All love is, is the nature of God.

We can list all these different things we need, and that is good. But it should all be wrapped in love.

Loolalooh you've been missed around here girl! Glad to see you back.

LucieLoo12

Congratulations!!!

loolalooh said:

@Galadriel: Again, definitely something to chew on. Thanks! Can you talk more about compatibility? It's interesting, because that is something mentioned in the video as well except he states that husbands and wives may be "incompatible" on purpose. (If I remember correctly; have to watch it again later.) I know in the world, it can be taken too far but as Christians, do some things that appear incompatible disappear with agape love? (For example, neat freak vs slob?)

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loolalooh I think there's a difference between incompatible and complementary . Sometimes a couple may have different personalities or methods of doing things, but instead of causing conflict, they actually mesh well together and can even enhance each other or make up for deficiencies. This is how I see "complementary" as being.

For example, my husband is an introvert--unless you mention comic books or religion, and then he'll give you an earful . Because he's such an introvert, sometimes when he's passionate about a debate/discussion, he might come off as aloof or not being able to see others' point of view. I'm also an introvert, but less so than he is, and I'm way more sociable and can navigate sensitivity, etc. in other people. So, when I see he's going off on his introvert road, I help steer him back and help him to see things from another viewpoint, and he appreciates it.

Oh yeah, and he thinks it's perfectly fine to leave his pants at the bottom of the staircase. His reasoning is that it's convenient when he wants to find them

I'm like we have a clothes hamper for a reason!

But these aren't major flaws or issues, so I think there are some things out of love that we tolerate, even if they make us .

Belle Du Jour said:

Marriage is a vocation which means it includes a mission of helping your spouse get to heaven. The foundation of the Christian marriage must be Christ (the 3rd strand in the cord). The love that each partner has for Christ should be stronger than what each has for the other because it is the love for Christ that will nurture everything else.

Love in the sense of eros (which is what the world esteems as "love") is not enough. The agape servant love and philios brotherly love must also be intact because physical/sexual attraction will probably fade. Even the feeling of being "in love" may wax and wane but at the end of the day, you should care deeply about the general well-being of the person you marry.

I have no idea what love looks like when you meet the one since I haven't met him yet. However, since Christ is the model of Love, I imagine it will involve some suffering. I will never forget a homily/sermon I heard when true love was described as the Cross. If I'm not willing to really serve that person and submit to that person, then he couldn't be the one for me.

My good friend is close to engagement and I recently spent time with her and the guy. It wouldn't be me. While she is also a Christian, her belief about marriage is different than mine. I believe God has an ideal person in mind for us if we let Him work it out and He can bring the two together. She believes in choosing from among several suitable candidates. I think she can do better but she seems happy with him. Obviously, I don't know the dynamics of their relationship behind closed doors.

I generally like Paul Washer and will watch that video when I go home later.

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Belle Du Jour Can you elaborate on the bolded a bit more? Give me an example of what you mean by suffering.

loolalooh said:

Belle Du Jour: Definitely something to chew on, especially the vocation part. Thanks! Do you think some Christians mess up at this part ... at choosing marriage for themselves as opposed to choosing marriage as a vocation? I'd imagine the increasing divorce rate in the church is due to a number of things, including lacking agape love, etc.

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I think if more of us realized the gravity of marriage, we would either wait or choose someone else if we had another chance. From my understanding, your spouse becomes part of your mission. When God created Eve, her purpose was to help Adam. Men didn't get off easy because husbands are to be the wife's "high priest." He should cover her like Christ covers the church. That's a tall order! I get teary when I read that passage in Ephesians about how far Christ was willing to go to present his bride as spotless. I'm not totally convinced I will find that in a mortal man Only God knows.

kweenameena said:

Belle Du Jour Can you elaborate on the bolded a bit more? Give me an example of what you mean by suffering.

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I guess I'm not one of those people who thinks marriage will rescue me or solve all of my problems. I can see where two people with independent wills and selfishness coming together can be hard. Also, life will always involve suffering (maybe illness, financial struggle, infertility, accidents, etc) so a couple will likely have to face hardships as a team.

Even the waiting season for a spouse involves suffering. Being stuck in winter when everyone else seems to be in spring, blossoming, bearing fruit, living "freely," etc, can be very painful...Hopefully that makes sense.

LucieLoo12: Thanks, and I love this: "When you purpose to love someone, you can make it through anything. But if you love by feeling or circumstance, you wont make it." Congratulations, lady!

MrsHaseeb: Aww ... I've missed you all too. Love y'all!

Galadriel: Thank you!!

Belle Du Jour: Thank you too!

Belle Du Jour said:

I guess I'm not one of those people who thinks marriage will rescue me or solve all of my problems. I can see where two people with independent wills and selfishness coming together can be hard. Also, life will always involve suffering (maybe illness, financial struggle, infertility, accidents, etc) so a couple will likely have to face hardships as a team.

Even the waiting season for a spouse involves suffering. Being stuck in winter when everyone else seems to be in spring, blossoming, bearing fruit, living "freely," etc, can be very painful...Hopefully that makes sense.

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DEEP

IMHO,

For a marriage to be sustainable, love in its 3 forms needs to be present.

Agape Love is a must. I agree with the other posters on that. It's the most important part.
Eros Love is also necessary. Without Eros, the couple is just living side by side like brother & sister and not like man & wife. A marriage includes a sexual relationship, otherwise it isn't a marriage.
Philia Love is also very important. it's more about compatibility. it's better to like your spouse, to be friend with them and to share some common interests.

Agape Love + Eros Love + Philia Love = a marriage where two people become one while they remain 2 distinct individuals. marriage was created by God as a witness of the Holy Trinity. witnessing a couple becoming more and more united and more and more themselves at the same time makes it easier to understand the concept of Trinity.


I believe that marriage is a vocation, meaning a path to sainthood for both spouses.
in some marriage, your spouses is like a mirror that's reveals your shortcomings. by shortcomings I mean the area/sins in one's life where one needs to work/repent in order to be more loving/Christlike. I've come to realise that lot's of people prefer t hide from their problems. they have a tendency to ignore the problem, act like it's not there hoping it'll disappear. IMO divorce is just another way to from their shortcomings. it's just the easier way out in some cases.

sweetvi said:

DEEP

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Thanks, but I can't take credit. I'm sure I'm loosly quoting Fulton Sheen LOL.

COMMITTMENT! I think thats the most important thing in a marriage. I truly believe that any two people can make a marriage work IF THEY WANT TO.

Too many people measure their committment by their feelings of love rather than measuring their love by their committment. If both have the true mindset of TILL DEATH, then you will be more likely to do those things that birth and sustain love...cause you in it for life!

Aw man, I could do some cartwheels after reading this. lol

ITA 100%, esp the bolded!

ktykaty said:

IMHO,

For a marriage to be sustainable, love in its 3 forms needs to be present.

Agape Love is a must. I agree with the other posters on that. It's the most important part.
Eros Love is also necessary. Without Eros, the couple is just living side by side like brother & sister and not like man & wife. A marriage includes a sexual relationship, otherwise it isn't a marriage.
Philia Love is also very important. it's more about compatibility. it's better to like your spouse, to be friend with them and to share some common interests.

Agape Love + Eros Love + Philia Love = a marriage where two people become one while they remain 2 distinct individuals. marriage was created by God as a witness of the Holy Trinity. witnessing a couple becoming more and more united and more and more themselves at the same time makes it easier to understand the concept of Trinity.


I believe that marriage is a vocation, meaning a path to sainthood for both spouses.
in some marriage, your spouses is like a mirror that's reveals your shortcomings. by shortcomings I mean the area/sins in one's life where one needs to work/repent in order to be more loving/Christlike. I've come to realise that lot's of people prefer t hide from their problems. they have a tendency to ignore the problem, act like it's not there hoping it'll disappear. IMO divorce is just another way to from their shortcomings. it's just the easier way out in some cases.

Click to expand...

I was going to co-sign on the 3 types of love presented here and add MONEY lol. I'm practical. Well, then I found the 4th type in the bible, "storge." Never heard of it, got the definition, and that's the money part, among other necessities. I'm talking about someone who has it in his/her (mostly "his") mind to protect the family and make her life easier to raise children in and support the husband with traditional family life. What's family life in the traditional christian sense and she's stressed, no money, raising the kids by herself mostly, or having to go out to work and they never see each other? Love and money, I tell you, because it also points to his intelligence.

about.com

Definition: Storge is family love, the bond among mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers.

As with eros, this Greek term does not appear in the Bible. However, many examples of family love are found in Scripture, such as the love and mutual protection among Noah and his wife, their sons and daughters-in-law in Genesis; the love of Jacob for his sons; and the strong love the sisters Martha and Mary in the gospels had for their brother Lazarus.

The family was a vital part of ancient Jewish culture. In the Ten Commandments, God charges his people to:

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. (Exodus 20:12, NIV)

I always think it takes submission as well (on both parts but mostly the part of the woman) .

But a woman submitting to her husband these days in considered a curse, which is a really bad thing. The roles of the spouses are no longer biblical which is why we see so many divorces in the churches...