Why did God send me an ugly man?

Hi, Nonie,
Great post!

Nonie said:

I tend to ramble so I beg your pardon in advance. I will try my hardest to summarize.

By the time I met my hubby, I'd been out with the coolest dudes in the world. I'd been to heaven and back and been treated like a queen, and I'd also been hurt deeply. When I did hit rock bottom w/ one rlp, I decided to make "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things [you wish for] shall be added unto you" my life's theme. The verse had just been explained to me clearer than ever before: That you must seek to live in the realm where God is King; meaning a life where He rules. He must be first in every aspect of your life. (I used to think the verse meant "seek to go to heaven", but this new explanation spoke volumes.) By the time my last rlp ended, it was obvious to me that I was lousy at choosing a mate on my own. I had tried so hard to be the best g/f I could be, and had come up empty yet again. I should also mention that I also suffered from the Cinderella Complex. I had to have a man. I needed someone to care for me. I felt incomplete w/o someone to love. I mean, I had so much love to give that it hurt when I had no one to share it w/. So while I didn't go out seeking a mate in clubs or the like (I'm shy you see), I'd pray to have any guy I took a fancy to. And usually I got whomever I asked for. But where were they now?

When I decided to live above the level of mediocrity where only God mattered, I lost the yearning I so desperately had. When they say God can fill any void, it's no lie. But I did do sth. I did write God a letter (a variation to praying on my knees) and tell him the sort of guy I would like someday. I made sure to write the things I liked in past relationships and to leave out the things I didn't care for. Someone said God answers specific prayer so I made the list as detailed as possible. And then put that matter to rest. My focus now was to hang out w/ Father at all times. I was alone but not lonely. I would chat w/ Father about doing laundry or not feeling like going to the store just yet. I'd discuss options when I had to choose one thing or another. I didn't speak out loud; I spoke to Him in my heart. And what fun it was! For the first time in my life, I was not yearning for anything. I was single, sane, secure, satisfied, and (I might also add, in this day and age) safe.

When I first talked to my hubby, I wasn't interested in a b/f-g/f rlp. I was so whole/content in my single state that I really just wanted a buddy to hang out w/. I had so much growing to do that I didn't have time for anyone else, and actually told him from the get-go that I wasn't interested in a rlp that was anything more than platonic. This was over the phone. And he wasn't either. It seemed the big brother/friend I always wanted all my life (I'm the eldest) had finally arrived. I now had a buddy to go to movies w/. He'd had a bad rlp and needed space too. (Now, I do know guys can bluff their way into a rlp like this; but I had God ruling so I didn't even sweat it.)

Now one thing I want emphasize: God knows your heart more than you realize. Remember my letter to God? I said it was specific, but the one thing that didn't matter to me anymore - and yet it was always the most important thing - was looks. To me a beautiful heart mattered more to me at that point than outward appearance. (To understand how serious I was, when I saw The Elephant Man with Anthony Hopkins, I was smitten by John, the EM himself. I remember thinking if I had met him back then, I'd have fallen in love w/ him in a heartbeat, if he was really as beautiful a person inside as depicted in that movie.) So I didn't care if I got a bald, short, fat man (My ideal used to be tall dark and handsome); as long as he could love me as much as I'm able to love and treat me well, I would be the luckiest woman alive. But again, this prayer wasn't for a mate NOW. It was for a mate in the future, ie, the next time I fell in love, whenever that'd be.

Anyway, back to this new friend that I got to know over the phone before we ever met (thanks to a mutual friend). The day he showed up to take me to the movies, I remember being almost hypnotized by his good looks. But I wasn't in my former frame of mind where I'd want to snag him by hook or by crook. I was just flattered that my big bro, who'd be hanging out w/ me would be such a knockout, talk of the perfect accessory.

To cut a long story short, the friendship grew into a courtship and finally a marriage over a period of 5 years. And believe it or not, he's everything I prayed for to a T (When we'd have a disagreement, I remember thinking "Now why did I forget to mention he had to be different on that area in my prayer?" LOL) But on a serious note, where God proved to me He is Omniscient and really could've done w/o my so-called spec list is in not only sending me a man that was tall, dark and handsome (my former must-haves) but also throwing in a body like a god's. That last bit just seemed so unattainable considering my past encounters. In fact, I only saw such bodies in magazines. But God knew the apple of my eye and when I left it up to Him, He surprised me by nailing it.)

So I say, seek to live your life in a realm where God rules. Nothing should be done w/o consulting w/ Him. Ask him when you're unsure, and let Him guide you. Proverbs 3:5-6 If this guy tries to put pressure on you, be honest and tell him you're not looking for a rlp of that sort w/ him. But if you allow God to be part of that date, you'll have a wonderful and stressfree rendezvous, and there will be no awkwardness whatsoever.

One last thing I'd like to point out, still along the lines of seeking first the Kingdom of God: anytime something becomes so important to you that it occupies your mind more than God, that thing is turning into an idol. And if you've asked God to direct your life, then you can bet that He will not allow that obsession into your life. (Exodus 20:4-5) Until you surrender that desire to Him...until you make God the most important thing in your life so that those desires lose their grip on you, they will not be added unto you. God wants to have a relationship w/ you that matters more than any other relationship you'll ever have. Once that vertical bond is established, the horizontal one will fall into place. Like a triangle, the closer you draw to God at the apex, the closer your life will draw to one chosen for you by God as the triangle shrinks. Even if you started off w/ someone who wasn't godly, the closer you grow to God and the more you pray for that person, the closer you will find yourself growing to them - again the triangle shrinks.

As far as what outsiders think about the one you end up loving, it won't matter when you know deep inside that what you share is real. The Velveteen Rabbit breaks it down nicely:



Sorry again for being long-winded. Hope something in there was helpful.

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Thanks Nonie! Those are the VERY EXACT WORDS I needed to hear TODAY . Funnily enough, God has been Speaking to me about seeking His Kingdom First, which is my goal starting last week. Off to write my letter now

Thanks again Nonie! I just love this forum

Amen Nonie!!! Very wise words.

RelaxerRehab said:

You do have free wil. You don't have to take it if you don't want it. And trust, if he's a real good man, the Lord will direct him to someone who will appreciate him (Shrug).

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Relaxer Rehab, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Pretty isn't everything. I had my share of very attractive men and well it's overrated. Looks fade and if the person doesn't have a good spirit, hard working, honest, and loyal, then those looks mean nothing.

Don't miss out on a wonderful person because of your superficial requirements. I highly doubt the guy is monsterous. He may not look like Boris Kodjoe but if he has amazing qualities in other areas, you might want to at least get to know him.

LOL, I don't blame God for ugly men. I try to say that the devil sent him. God just wouldn't do such a thing..LOL

Nonie said:

I tend to ramble so I beg your pardon in advance. I will try my hardest to summarize.

By the time I met my hubby, I'd been out with the coolest dudes in the world. I'd been to heaven and back and been treated like a queen, and I'd also been hurt deeply. When I did hit rock bottom w/ one rlp, I decided to make "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things [you wish for] shall be added unto you" my life's theme. The verse had just been explained to me clearer than ever before: That you must seek to live in the realm where God is King; meaning a life where He rules. He must be first in every aspect of your life. (I used to think the verse meant "seek to go to heaven", but this new explanation spoke volumes.) By the time my last rlp ended, it was obvious to me that I was lousy at choosing a mate on my own. I had tried so hard to be the best g/f I could be, and had come up empty yet again. I should also mention that I also suffered from the Cinderella Complex. I had to have a man. I needed someone to care for me. I felt incomplete w/o someone to love. I mean, I had so much love to give that it hurt when I had no one to share it w/. So while I didn't go out seeking a mate in clubs or the like (I'm shy you see), I'd pray to have any guy I took a fancy to. And usually I got whomever I asked for. But where were they now?

When I decided to live above the level of mediocrity where only God mattered, I lost the yearning I so desperately had. When they say God can fill any void, it's no lie. But I did do sth. I did write God a letter (a variation to praying on my knees) and tell him the sort of guy I would like someday. I made sure to write the things I liked in past relationships and to leave out the things I didn't care for. Someone said God answers specific prayer so I made the list as detailed as possible. And then put that matter to rest. My focus now was to hang out w/ Father at all times. I was alone but not lonely. I would chat w/ Father about doing laundry or not feeling like going to the store just yet. I'd discuss options when I had to choose one thing or another. I didn't speak out loud; I spoke to Him in my heart. And what fun it was! For the first time in my life, I was not yearning for anything. I was single, sane, secure, satisfied, and (I might also add, in this day and age) safe.

When I first talked to my hubby, I wasn't interested in a b/f-g/f rlp. I was so whole/content in my single state that I really just wanted a buddy to hang out w/. I had so much growing to do that I didn't have time for anyone else, and actually told him from the get-go that I wasn't interested in a rlp that was anything more than platonic. This was over the phone. And he wasn't either. It seemed the big brother/friend I always wanted all my life (I'm the eldest) had finally arrived. I now had a buddy to go to movies w/. He'd had a bad rlp and needed space too. (Now, I do know guys can bluff their way into a rlp like this; but I had God ruling so I didn't even sweat it.)

Now one thing I want emphasize: God knows your heart more than you realize. Remember my letter to God? I said it was specific, but the one thing that didn't matter to me anymore - and yet it was always the most important thing - was looks. To me a beautiful heart mattered more to me at that point than outward appearance. (To understand how serious I was, when I saw The Elephant Man with Anthony Hopkins, I was smitten by John, the EM himself. I remember thinking if I had met him back then, I'd have fallen in love w/ him in a heartbeat, if he was really as beautiful a person inside as depicted in that movie.) So I didn't care if I got a bald, short, fat man (My ideal used to be tall dark and handsome); as long as he could love me as much as I'm able to love and treat me well, I would be the luckiest woman alive. But again, this prayer wasn't for a mate NOW. It was for a mate in the future, ie, the next time I fell in love, whenever that'd be.

Anyway, back to this new friend that I got to know over the phone before we ever met (thanks to a mutual friend). The day he showed up to take me to the movies, I remember being almost hypnotized by his good looks. But I wasn't in my former frame of mind where I'd want to snag him by hook or by crook. I was just flattered that my big bro, who'd be hanging out w/ me would be such a knockout, talk of the perfect accessory.

To cut a long story short, the friendship grew into a courtship and finally a marriage over a period of 5 years. And believe it or not, he's everything I prayed for to a T (When we'd have a disagreement, I remember thinking "Now why did I forget to mention he had to be different on that area in my prayer?" LOL) But on a serious note, where God proved to me He is Omniscient and really could've done w/o my so-called spec list is in not only sending me a man that was tall, dark and handsome (my former must-haves) but also throwing in a body like a god's. That last bit just seemed so unattainable considering my past encounters. In fact, I only saw such bodies in magazines. But God knew the apple of my eye and when I left it up to Him, He surprised me by nailing it.)

So I say, seek to live your life in a realm where God rules. Nothing should be done w/o consulting w/ Him. Ask him when you're unsure, and let Him guide you. Proverbs 3:5-6 If this guy tries to put pressure on you, be honest and tell him you're not looking for a rlp of that sort w/ him. But if you allow God to be part of that date, you'll have a wonderful and stressfree rendezvous, and there will be no awkwardness whatsoever.

One last thing I'd like to point out, still along the lines of seeking first the Kingdom of God: anytime something becomes so important to you that it occupies your mind more than God, that thing is turning into an idol. And if you've asked God to direct your life, then you can bet that He will not allow that obsession into your life. (Exodus 20:4-5) Until you surrender that desire to Him...until you make God the most important thing in your life so that those desires lose their grip on you, they will not be added unto you. God wants to have a relationship w/ you that matters more than any other relationship you'll ever have. Once that vertical bond is established, the horizontal one will fall into place. Like a triangle, the closer you draw to God at the apex, the closer your life will draw to one chosen for you by God as the triangle shrinks. Even if you started off w/ someone who wasn't godly, the closer you grow to God and the more you pray for that person, the closer you will find yourself growing to them - again the triangle shrinks.

As far as what outsiders think about the one you end up loving, it won't matter when you know deep inside that what you share is real. The Velveteen Rabbit breaks it down nicely:



Sorry again for being long-winded. Hope something in there was helpful.

Click to expand...

This story is so inpiring Nonie !

beautifulisaunderstatment said:

Some dummy somewhere passed up on Bill Gates cuz he didnt look like Brad Pitt. Beauty fades.

Click to expand...

That's very true.

I'm sure there are a lot of guys who are sorry they screwed Oprah Winfrey too

http://www.jackiefrancois.com/blog/the-devil-wants-you-to-settle-in-your-relationship/


JACKIE FRANCOIS
SINGER/SONGWRITER, WORSHIP LEADER, SPEAKER
THE DEVIL WANTS YOU TO SETTLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP


Besides choosing to give Christ my entire heart and life at 18 (after falling in love with Him in the Eucharist), the best decision I ever made was to wait 28 years for the man of my dreams. There were so many times I could’ve settled for a nice Catholic guy who treated me well and bored me to tears. I knew I never wanted to tell my children, “Well, your dad loved me and seemed nice enough, so I married him.” Ugh. Gag me with a spork. Heck no. I knew I wanted to tell my children, “I waited patiently for a man I was passionately in love with, who led me to holiness, who was my best friend, and who I couldn’t wait to be married to!” Sure enough, when Bobby Angel came along, I knew I found that man.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of confused and conflicted young adults out there who seem tempted to settle for a spouse. There are a lot of people who date because it’s nice to have a warm body gazing back at you. Listen carefully to me: there are tons of holy, attractive, fun people out there. (I know, because I’m trying to play matchmaker and set them all up with each other). Seriously, though, you are only called to marry one of them. You are not called to be a polygamist (thank God!). Just because you date an attractive, holy Catholic doesn’t mean he/she is the “one.” In the past, every time I met a single Catholic guy, my head would always say, “Is this the one? Is this the one?” I was like a hamster on crack (like most single Catholic young adults who see every other single Catholic young adult as a target for romance). I kept rationalizing my good Catholic guy dates, saying, “Well, he doesn’t make me laugh, but I could deal with that,” or “I’m not really attracted to him, but I don’t want to be vain so I could deal with that” or “We really don’t have great conversations, but I could be a like a cloistered wife vowed to silence for the rest of my life, right?”

When I met Bobby, though, everything clicked. I didn’t have to rationalize anything. In fact, both of us are still in shock that two human beings could fit so perfectly (even in our faults) with each other. I’m sure God watches us stumble through relationships, laughing and thinking, “Oh you of little faith. Why do you not trust me?” Sure enough, when we settle, it’s because we don’t trust God enough. We don’t trust that God is a bigger romantic than we are, that God is the most passionate being there is (in fact, who endured the passion out of love for us), and who wants the absolute best for our lives. When we don’t trust God, we commit the original sin of Adam and Eve all over again: we grasp at the gift of “knowledge” rather than wait for God to give us the gift He’s had for us all along (see CCC 396-397). In Fill These Hearts, Christopher West writes, “That’s pride at its root: we don’t trust in God’s designs, so we choose to follow our own” (p. 112). Remember: God is the one who has amazing plans for us, “plans for our welfare not for woe, plans for a future full of hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). It’s the stupid devil who wants us to grasp at relationships and who tempts us to settle for what’s just “okay.”

To me, some of the most courageous men and women are those who break off their relationships out of love for the other. They realize that the other person deserves someone better than them, that they are wasting the other’s time from finding their true vocation (whether be it to another person in marriage or maybe even a vocation to celibacy as a priest, nun, sister, brother, consecrated, or single person), or that they would be settling for a life of eye-rolling and frustration. This is extremely difficult. Bobby and I can speak from experience—he broke off an engagement and I broke up with a man who was a month from proposing. In the end, we were both extremely glad that the Holy Spirit convicted us and helped us have courage (a word that literally means, “to act from the heart”) to do what was best for all.

When I was single, I told myself, “I would rather be joyful and single than miserable with someone.” Why? Because I know that God wants us to be radiant witnesses of his love to the world. When I was single, I was totally free to do this because I had peace and joy founded in Christ who completely satisfied me. When I was in previous relationships, however, I was filled with anxiety, wondering if the guy didn’t get my sense of humor, didn’t like my craziness, didn’t like my love for Daily Mass, the Rosary or Adoration. I changed myself for the guys and didn’t like who I was with them. I knew that the man I was called to marry would not make me feel imprisoned or trapped, but would give me freedom to be my authentic self, freedom to be a radiant witness for the Lord together, and freedom to love God, my neighbor, and myself more authentically.

Freedom is huge in a relationship. No, not the philosophy of freedom given by Wiz Kalifa and Snoop Dogg; their “freedom” allows them to get drunk, smoke weed, and be a player for them hoes. No. Authentic freedom enables us to do what is right. Freedom in a relationship has the signs of peace and joy. A lack of freedom in a relationship gives you that anxiety in your belly, that “icky” feeling, that unrest.

So, my question to you (if you are in a relationship with someone to whom you are not married) is this: Does your relationship help you to be freer or less free? Is your relationship life-giving or life-sucking?

Here are some questions that you should ask yourself.

Some questions are bigger “no-brainers” than others. We’ll start with the “no-brainer” red flags at the top and go to more subtle signs you aren’t free in a relationship to be the man or woman of God you were created to be.

If you say “yes” to any of these questions, you should get out of that relationship:

Does your significant other abuse you physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually?

Do they pressure you to sin or make fun of you for not sinning? (Calling you a “prude” because you won’t do sexual things with them, making you feel guilty for not getting drinking/getting drunk, pressuring you to see a smutty movie or watch pornography, or pressuring you to live with them, etc.)

Do you feel like you are being used as an object for their pleasure?

Are you afraid of bringing up tough issues, annoyances, or frustrations, for fear they might get defensive, lash out at you, or shut down?

Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with what you say or do for fear they might break up with you (again)?

Are you afraid to show your weaknesses, because they expect you to be perfect?

Do you have that constant pit of anxiety in your belly either when you are with them or apart from them? Do you feel that anxiety when you think of marrying them?

Are you staying with them out of lust, out of fear of being alone, out of security, or out of fear of never finding anyone else who will be with you?

Are you confused about the relationship constantly? Do you go back and forth about whether or not this is “the one?”

Do you feel relieved when they are gone?

If you say “no” to any of these questions, you should re-think your relationship:

Are you free to be your true self (who you are with your best girl friends or guy friends)?

Do you feel loved in who you are, even in your weaknesses?

Do you feel challenged to be a better, holier person?

Are you free to be child-like, to laugh, to have joy with your significant other?

Do you feel challenged spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically?

Is your relationship healing? Is their love helping you to deal with issues of the past without them being a “savior” to you (rather, they point you to “the Savior” for healing)?

Are you willing to spend 24 hours 7 days a week with them for the rest of your life?

Are they your best friend with whom you have romance?

Bobby and I will be praying for all those who read this blog, that you may truly do God’s good, pleasing, and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2)

-Jackie

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/sin...d-i-marry-without-romance-and-attraction.html


Should I Marry Without Romance and Attraction?

• Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young
• 201311 Jul

EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to [email protected] (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

QUESTION: After my share of bad relationships, I re-dedicated my life to the Lord and I am dating, essentially, the "perfect man." He wants to marry me, he is a believer, and he fits every quality I want in a husband. However, I feel empty inside. He is not physically my type, he looks and dresses in the opposite way from what I find attractive, I don't find him handsome, and can't feel attraction for him the way I have felt in previous relationships. My friends say I'm crazy for doubting our relationship. I know that "romance" and "physical attraction" are not in the dictionary of God's word, but I get scared and panic sometimes when I think about marrying without any attraction or romance. What keeps me going is God's promise that my marriage will be favored and blessed and "every other thing will be added." But that doesn't close up the hollow feeling or give me peace. Please advise.

HE SAID:

We’ve been groomed by society to look for the “Perfect Man” or the “Perfect Woman.” Reality shows portray groups of contestants vying for the heart of one person believing they are the “perfect person.”

However, what I have found far more important is to seek the perfect person for me and being the perfect person for someone (not everyone).

I do believe there is a person who God made for you, someone who will complement who you are, and someone you will be attracted to.

“Romance” and “physical attraction” may not be in "the dictionary of God’s Word," however, the book Song of Solomon is. If you’ve never studied it, you may want to before you further your relationship.

How handsome you are, my lover! (Song of Solomon 1:16)

My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag (Song of Solomon 2:9).

My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is like gold, pure gold; his locks are like clusters of dates and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, and reposed in their setting. His cheeks are like a bed of balsam, banks of sweet-scented herbs; his lips are lilies dripping with liquid myrrh. His hands are rods of gold Set with beryl; his abdomen is carved ivory Inlaid with sapphires. His legs are pillars of alabaster Set on pedestals of pure gold; his appearance is like Lebanon choice as the cedars. His mouth is full of sweetness. And he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem (Song of Solomon 5:10-16).

These are not the words from someone who felt no romance or physical attraction, but these are the words of God from a woman who was seriously enamored by her beau.

As a male (with a slight ego), I don’t want my significant other to settle for or gag at the sight of me; then again I’m not trying to be on People Magazine’s Most Beautiful List either. My wish is for the “right one for me” to feel some of the emotion the woman in Song of Solomon had for her man and me for her.

I can’t imagine your boyfriend wouldn’t want the same.

What may be “perfect” for your friends may not be for you.

SHE SAID:

While I am thrilled you found someone who is wonderful and perfect in many ways, a very critical part of your relationship has to be an attraction to him physically. To paraphrase a wonderful author and friend, Dick Purnell: There are 5 parts of a healthy relationship: Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Social and Physical, based on his book Finding a Lasting Love. Now, it is true in all relationships there may be weaker areas than others. You may have a few things in common, but as you date you find you have more. You may have even gone to separate churches but eventually started attending the same church together.

I once was friends with a guy for 3 years. We did all kinds of things together but never dated. Then one day I was like, whoohoo is he cute. Lord, where did that come from? So I shared my feelings with him, we have a few dates but quickly realized we lacked other key areas to maintain a relationship.

So with that, what do you do? Well, as much as I feel God can change your attraction to your boyfriend to be what you want it to be, I don't think God operates that way when you’re IN the relationship. I do think over time, especially as you lean towards marriage and after marriage, your physical attraction will grow because your love grows. However, it can't grow if there is no seed to begin with. So my advice is to tell him what you are feeling. He deserves to know. If you were to get married you would be lying to him, feeling forced to have kiss him, be romantic, and make love. No one deserves that, or deserves to be deceived about it. Recognizing the great husband-material qualities about your current boyfriend should reassure you that waiting for the right "one" is indeed worth waiting for.

Oh, and do know the Bible is full of scripture regarding love and romance. Believe me, God invented it. Check out the Song of Solomon.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love (Proverbs 5:18-19).

HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.

SHE is … Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of three books.

DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.

GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to [email protected] (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/august/how-to-avoid-marrying-wrong-christian.html

How to avoid marrying the wrong Christian


What do you do if you're engaged but have serious misgivings about your decision, red flags popping up left and right? Do you a) get married, since you've set a date, sent out the invitations, spent a boatload of money, are too embarrassed to back out, and believe that most people get cold feet anyway? Or b) call the whole thing off until further notice? I think most of us would choose the latter, and would recommend thus to any friend or family member having serious doubts. But in practice, it isn't what we many of us do, and understandably so: Calling the whole thing off is difficult, painful, and risky.

Jennifer Gauvain, a licensed social worker and coauthor of How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, recently reported in the Huffington Post's "Divorce" section that 30 percent of the nearly 1,000 divorced women she surveyed admitted to marrying despite serious doubts they had about their relationships long before the wedding day. According to reporter Katherine Bindley, the website IndieBride.com now hosts33,000 conversation threads just about the urge to bolt.

I did.

I broke off an engagement to a really nice Christian guy. When it came down to it, we were incompatible on many levels. I had doubts at the inception of the relationship, but ignored them. Continuing the relationship was my way of trying to force a puzzle piece into a place it didn't fit. As the doubts grew, I tried harder to make the relationship work. However, if I hadn't heeded my gut-wrenching doubts, and paid attention to my mom and abuelita's words, ("he's a nice guy, but not the one for you") and the words of a friend I deeply respected, I would've made the worst mistake of my life. Even so, breaking the engagement and ending the relationship was far from easy.

For a while I balked because I didn't want to hurt the guy and was worried what others would think of me should I call it off. But in the end, I preferred the pain of breaking up with him and potential lifelong singleness over the pain of being married to him. If I had married him, I would've wilted. And now I know I would have forfeited marrying my priceless treasure of a husband, the one person I most love, admire, and respect.

Unfortunately, there are many Christian women (and men) who ignore their gnawing suspicions. They forge ahead into marriages they didn't belong in. Why?

Gauvain lists four overarching reasons cited by the women in her survey: 1) "Age: The self-imposed biological clock is starting to tick a little louder." 2) "Marriage will instantly make the relationship better." 3) "It's my last chance to get married and no one else will come along"; and, 4) "If it doesn't work out I can always get a divorce." I'd add a fifth and sixth reason that are specific to Christian men and women: 5) to legitimize sex, and 6) because of guilt associated with premarital sex or over having conceived a child out-of-wedlock.

What makes him ugly to you?

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/marriage/i-married-a-man-im-not-attracted-to-now-what/


I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?


Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. –Maya

Aw, Jesus, Maya.

You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.

First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.

“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?

I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.

You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

“A certain type of face seems attractive”?

I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.

Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…

“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”

So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.

Got it.

My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.

Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.

This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.

But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.

Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.

And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?

Great thread!