Am I Being Unrealistic When It Comes To My Expectations From Men?

Hello Everyone!

As we know its hard to meet someone this day and age. Even "Christian" men are a handful. I just want to know how you ladies on here feel about my expectations when it comes to men.

The biggest one is engaging in physical relations before marriage. Is it possible to find someone who has this view in this day and age? I'm in my early thirties and everyone I speak to about this (since I was in my twenties) makes me look like I'm crazy.

I don't want to do anything that's not pleasing to God.

trueheartofgold said:

Hello Everyone!

As we know its hard to meet someone this day and age. Even "Christian" men are a handful. I just want to know how you ladies on here feel about my expectations when it comes to men.

The biggest one is engaging in physical relations before marriage. Is it possible to find someone who has this view in this day and age? I'm in my early thirties and everyone I speak to about this (since I was in my twenties) makes me look like I'm crazy.

I don't want to do anything that's not pleasing to God.

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Sister you already know that fornication isn't pleasing to God.

Yes it seems like there aren't a lot of options. But He is God. The bible tells us He gives His BEST to those willing to wait for Him.

He is able to find a man for you who is also following His word. Compromising will have you end up with an Ishmael instead of an Isaac. Stand strong and don't give in to something you already know is contrary to God's plan for your life. Yes waiting is hard but IF marriage is His plan for you he is able to see it through.

Also you don't need to discuss your personal convictions with everyone especially since they don't share your mindset and will possibly negatively influence you. Just tell it to the Lord.

I don't have an answer to this. I'm 25 and I wonder about this as well.

your expectations should be in God and not man. It has become a cliche, but you will find him through Him. Yes, you can probably find someone doing things that aren't pleasing to God, but once you take it into your own hands it will be much harder to find THE one.

Stand your ground, @trueheartofgold!

Let the men that agree to date you come to see you as the one they date because they like you, not because you're good for delivering the goods without the headache of a ring.

Trust me: The man for you will be intrigued enough with you to still see you without requiring sex with no ring. I hate to be crass, but often times if a man is interested and learns that he TRULY can't get sex for free from you, if he's gotta have sex, he'll keep dating you if you are potential wifey material while getting free goods from other women. ETA: Not saying that's a good thing, just saying that you don't have ANY reason to feel you NEED to be someone's source of sex. Like not at all. /ETA

And . . . I'm not saying any of that to judge any woman who gives the goods out without the ring. I understand that people freely do so without feeling used or at a disadvantage. ETA: Scripture tells us what to do, though. /ETA

Sex can make a meant-to-be-temporary relationship feel like a I-think-this-is-my-husband relationship. There are ways to let the Christian brothers you date see you as very sensual and normal as you explain that you just aren't do the entanglement-via-sex thing right not. If you want you can let them know: Sex is good and wonderful and generates ecstasy you know, and you're down for it in the right timing. You're just pretty discriminating and connecting via sex is not something you want to do with a ton of people outside of your husband. It's a matter of respecting God who gave you your body and life, and a matter of respecting/protecting your future marriage and husband. But let them know you are definitely looking forward to the beauty of sexual intimacy when it's right.

I say the above because if you (inadvertently) give off a strange, "I'm frigid and scared of sex and holier-than-thou" vibe, you can turn off great guys who scare! Sometimes it's enough for them to know that you don't actually have a problem with sex itself.

From my experience, knowing they couldn't get it made everything else very niiiiiice!

Here's a video that might encourage you:

trueheartofgold said:

Hello Everyone!

As we know its hard to meet someone this day and age. Even "Christian" men are a handful. I just want to know how you ladies on here feel about my expectations when it comes to men.

The biggest one is engaging in physical relations before marriage. Is it possible to find someone who has this view in this day and age? I'm in my early thirties and everyone I speak to about this (since I was in my twenties) makes me look like I'm crazy.

I don't want to do anything that's not pleasing to God.

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Hello dear @trueheartofgold, congratulations for deciding to follow Jesus and honor Him. My friend in her 30s recently married a man who told her within 3 dates that they should not even kiss, and they would only occasionally hold hands. Just as in Elijah's days, God had a remnant (7000, 1 Kings 19:18) who had not bowed to baal, even so in these days, God has reserved those who agree with Him and not the devil, or the media, or the world.

You're not crazy for obeying God. The world is crazy/arrogant for thinking that they can ignore and/or disobey God and live well. Pray for strength, fast if necessary, meditate on God's word and works to remind yourself of who He is and what He can do. The Holy Spirit will give you strength.

I'm sure you know this, but if a man who claims to be a Christian makes it clear that he wants to fornicate (with you or anyone else), girl, run! At best, he is willfully in bondage, and at worst, he is a child of satan. There's no need to engage with such a person, except to pray that he sees God's light and repents, lol. If the man doesn't claim Christ, I say run faster.

Finally, God's commandments are for our good, because He is good (Matthew 7:9, Luke 11:11, 1 John 5:3). We may suffer persecution for obeying Him, but time is temporal, and eternity is (wait for it) eternal. Better to suffer a little now for doing what is right, than to suffer for doing what is wrong, or even, suffer forever (1 Peter 3:13-17). Please also see 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, Luke 9:62, Matthew 10:28, 1 Samuel 2:30, 1 Corinthians 6:13,19-20. God bless you, and help you to stand strong.

Thank you for responding @Belle Du Jour, @GoingNatural, @YvetteWithJoy, @blessedandfavoured! It's good to have support from fellow believers who share the same view as me. It's been really hard for me because I stand firm to my beliefs and these "men" just want what they want. The last person I thought I would get married to (didn't happen and I'm happy God stopped it) claims to be a Christian and he was the absolute worst when it came to me telling him no as far as physical activity. As we all know, a lot of these guys claim to be Christian and are no different from those who are not so that's my biggest thing.

Which leads me to some more questions:

1. Is it wrong to even go out with someone who is not a Christian?
2. Let's say I meet someone and I'm going out with them (getting to know them, etc.). Should I tell them about my stance on physical activity immediately? Or just wait until he asks for us to be exclusive (such as be his girlfriend). Basically, at what point do I tell him?

@beingofserenity, its good to see someone else was wondering about this too. These lovely ladies have some good advice.

@trueheartofgold, the Bible says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

When you are really ready to receive the man God has prepared for you, God will bring him to you. If you are distracted by the shiny objects Satan keeps throwing in your path, the true man of God will be held back. Focus on loving God with all of your heart, mind and strength and learn what it means to truly be a godly wife. Then God will bring Mr. Right to find you. (Remember, he's already here. You both are being held from each other until you are both ready in God's timing.)

newgrowth15 said:

@trueheartofgold, the Bible says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

When you are really ready to receive the man God has prepared for you, God will bring him to you. If you are distracted by the shiny objects Satan keeps throwing in your path, the true man of God will be held back. Focus on loving God with all of your heart, mind and strength and learn what it means to truly be a godly wife. Then God will bring Mr. Right to find you. (Remember, he's already here. You both are being held from each other until you are both ready in God's timing.)

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I REALLY believe this. 100%. This is why I'm doing the internal work (NOT external work ie competing with other women, chasing men down, working to get a man's attention, etc). It's really not about any of that! BUT, I do believe that we have to work on ourselves to be positioned and be the best person that we can be. We have to tend our own garden and God will allow the right man into the garden at the right time. Don't give up! But don't be afraid to ask God what steps you need to take as well.

trueheartofgold said:

Thank you for responding @Belle Du Jour, @GoingNatural, @YvetteWithJoy, @blessedandfavoured! It's good to have support from fellow believers who share the same view as me. It's been really hard for me because I stand firm to my beliefs and these "men" just want what they want. The last person I thought I would get married to (didn't happen and I'm happy God stopped it) claims to be a Christian and he was the absolute worst when it came to me telling him no as far as physical activity. As we all know, a lot of these guys claim to be Christian and are no different from those who are not so that's my biggest thing.

Which leads me to some more questions:

1. Is it wrong to even go out with someone who is not a Christian?
2. Let's say I meet someone and I'm going out with them (getting to know them, etc.). Should I tell them about my stance on physical activity immediately? Or just wait until he asks for us to be exclusive (such as be his girlfriend). Basically, at what point do I tell him?

@beingofserenity, its good to see someone else was wondering about this too. These lovely ladies have some good advice.

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Hello @trueheartofgold, regarding the first point in bold, thank God for protecting you from certain misery. Jesus said that you will know them by their fruits - this guy showed what his priorities were, and they were not to please God. I reckon that you don't want to be with such a man.

As for your questions,
1: The Bible says that we should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). So, I'd say, yes it is wrong. It's also dangerous. The point of dating is to see if the person you're dating is marriage material. The Bible says that a man should love his wife as Christ loved the church. To me, that automatically disqualifies all who do not have Christ as LORD. They don't know him, so they cannot fulfill that requirement. Also, whether they know it or not, or like it or not, unbelievers are ruled by darkness, as we all once were (Colossians 1:13) and whoever is not for Christ is against Him (Matthew 12:30, Luke 11:23). To date an unbeliever is to leave yourself open to being emotionally (at he very least) entangled with the man, and that will probably hurt you in the long run.

2: I don't know. Pray about it. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting him know upfront, because that might save you some time. But some people are deceivers, and might think they'll keep you around since you're a 'good girl', and they'll be getting it somewhere else. Or they'll agree initially then try to wear you down later. so I don't know - pray about it.

Above all else, please seek the face of God in all things. Seek first His Kingdom - make pleasing God your first priority in life. Pray for the grace to love and please Him, and He will provide it. Do what you know is right, and avoid what you know is wrong. Build your relationship with God and your knowledge of His word. Fall in love with Him, and you will never settle for a man who disrespects you and reduces your worth that of a sex toy. The Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth. You won't be desperate to settle for any old dude, because The Man is the lover of your soul. Please see Matthew 6:33, Romans 12:9, Isaiah 54:5, John 16:13. God bless.