CAN YOU TAKE CRITICISM ABOUT YOUR HAIR???

I posted this in another thread but I really wanted to know teh answer.

I notice this in a lot of threads that some of you guys are quick to say "get rid of a friend" or "they are just hating" when someone mentions that their friends are telling them that their hair looks a mess or to change their hairstyle. I personally think this may be in a small amount of cases but not the majority of the time. There have been several threads like this like one where a girl said her friends were talkign about her because she wears a head scarf everyday, one where a poster is saying her friend talks about her cause she wears a bun every day I also saw one where a girl was saying her friends tell her that her hair looks a mess all the time and she doesn't do it. Just cause a friend tells you something about your hair or your appearance this does not mean to get rid of them. I give my friends criticism and I very much want them to critique me too. There is a way to say something in a nice way but I say I would not be your "true" friend if I let you walk out the house with your hair, clothes or otherwise anything else looking a hot mess. I would be still rocking a jheri curl if it wasn't for my friends. That is what they are there for and if I had a friend that constantly looked a mess I wouldn't want to go anywhere with them. But I feel like it would never get to that point because I would offer them advice on different ways to do their hair or dress or whatever was not right. This to me is a TRUE friend. So I say don't be so quick to dismiss what people are telling you as hate. If enough people say it then you have to think it may be true. (you know the saying if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...) And everyone can always use a makeover or update our looks or styles. There is nothing wrong with it and your friends and family are the perfect ones to tell you. You may be the one in the club or in the street that you see and we laugh at and say "dag that girl must not have any friends". You know you guys have seen people like this and commented. Come on you can admit it!

I agree, I would rather have someone be honest than lie.

if i don't have nothing to say good about my friends hair I usually dont say anything expecially if they think it is cute.

Sure. If I feel the critism is on point (sometimes we KNOW we wrong!) I'll even change my style -- done it before. If I feel it's BS, I'd say so and disregard.

It's not that you should get rid of the friend all together but your hair may be looking real good but she always has something negative to say. You can sense when someone is hating and when they are just being opinionated. I have definitely seen women and I say that exact same thing. But at the same time her friends may be too afraid to hurt her feelings to say anything or they may think she looks good. I truly believe it depends on your friends. If one of my friends is not looking correct I definitely let them know but in a nice sort of funny way like "girl what happen to your hair, let me hook you up" but my people are pretty together. I know there are times when I see a friend's hairdo and it looks horrible but like my mother's says "if you don't have anything nice to say keep your damn mouth shut" But if they ask for my opinion, I'll tell them.

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Tami said:
if i don't have nothing to say good about my friends hair I usually dont say anything expecially if they think it is cute.

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So you still want to walk around with them and risk that other people are laughing or saying bad things about them? Would you want them to tell you?

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Wolftrap said:
Just cause a friend tells you something about your hair or your appearance this does not mean to get rid of them.

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And it doesn't always mean that they're jealous either. People kill me with that one.


It's not what the person says, but how, when, why....and where they say it that's the determining factor for me.

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ChoclatePrincess said:
like my mother's says "if you don't have anything nice to say keep your damn mouth shut"

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I agree with this but if it is my friend and I am TRULY your friend I feel obligated to speak up. If it is just an acquaintance or someone I don't know well then yeah I'll keep my mouth shut.

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Karonica said:
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Wolftrap said:
Just cause a friend tells you something about your hair or your appearance this does not mean to get rid of them.

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And it doesn't always mean that they're jealous either. People kill me with that one.


It's not what the person says, but how, when, why....and where they say it that's the determining factor for me.

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Sometimes the comments are just filled with jealousy. I know I can tell when it's not constructive criticism and just plain hating.

You know when someone is hating on you. When you look good they never have anything nice to say. But if you look so so or bad then they want to let you know about it.

You know, I understand where you are coming from. When someone presents a situation online, we never know the full story. My advice is only as good as the information presented and is only offered because it was solicited. A person is free to do whatever with this advice and it is by no means a prescription for living. We all must do this on our own. A well-balanced thread of opinions will, hopefully, give the person in need of guidance food for thought to make their final decision on their own.

As far as hair criticism, yes, I can take it. I have been wearing my hair up for a long time and was even told by a good friend that I was boring because I never let it down. And I said to her, "Well, I'll just have to be boring, then. I like myself boring." There is a method to my madness (grow longer, stronger hair) and I am not changing what is working for me for anyone. Next thing you know, I'll wear it down after it is longer and that same person will be saying for me to cut it shorter or something. People are fickle--even friends can be fickle. We have to be steadfast in what we want and also be able to discern positive and constructive criticism from criticism that is hurtful and pointless.

And hey, I am not so sure that you would still be rocking that curl without your friends...There was a huge cultural shift away from the curl, for some reason...Even without them, you would have gotten tired of the activator...Or you would have just wanted a change. From your pictures, you look pretty hip to fashion, I doubt you would have stayed with the curl, just based on your own instincts.

My friend said she used to work with this lady that was a receptionst at her job. So this means everyone sees you and you are the face if the office. She said the lady had shoulder length natural hair and everyday she wore it in plaits like she was auditioning to be in the color purple. LOL...She said when she left that job she so much wanted to tell the lady about her hair but she never knew how. Something like this would be hard for me too but if you are a grown woman working in an office wearing plaits looking like you about to pick some cotton, you know you are DEAD wrong!

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jasmin said:
Sometimes the comments are just filled with jealousy. I know I can tell when it's not constructive criticism and just plain hating.

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Yeppers. Most people can pretty much make the distinction between constructive criticism and destructive criticism (heck, we figured that out on the playground at 3 years old in kindergarden!). Of course, it all depends on the context, how close you are to someone, etc. I mean, I'm gonna be straight up honest with my closest friends and probably won't say a word to lady at work 'cause we don't hang like that. This is ALL about context. I mean there WILL be different standards for the different levels of intimacy we have with different people. Obviously!

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Karonica said:

And it doesn't always mean that they're jealous either. People kill me with that one.


It's not what the person says, but how, when, why....and where they say it that's the determining factor for me.

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Intent is everything !
ITA, the whole 'jealousy' & 'hate' excuse is getting so out-of-hand.

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ubavka123 said:
And hey, I am not so sure that you would still be rocking that curl without your friends...There was a huge cultural shift away from the curl, for some reason...Even without them, you would have gotten tired of the activator...Or you would have just wanted a change. From your pictures, you look pretty hip to fashion, I doubt you would have stayed with the curl, just based on your own instincts.

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I'm LOL at this because I was not always hip to fashion. I might not have been rockin a curl but I probably would have had some other fashion no no's. I just within the past maybe 5 years decided to change my style. Before it was baggy clothes, sweats and my hair in a ponytail. My friends are the ones that got me to try different things and dress a little more sexier. I am thankful to them for that.

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Wolftrap said:
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ubavka123 said:
And hey, I am not so sure that you would still be rocking that curl without your friends...There was a huge cultural shift away from the curl, for some reason...Even without them, you would have gotten tired of the activator...Or you would have just wanted a change. From your pictures, you look pretty hip to fashion, I doubt you would have stayed with the curl, just based on your own instincts.

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I'm LOL at this because I was not always hip to fashion. I might not have been rockin a curl but I probably would have had some other fashion no no's. I just within the past maybe 5 years decided to change my style. Before it was baggy clothes, sweats and my hair in a ponytail. My friends are the ones that got me to try different things and dress a little more sexier. I am thankful to them for that.

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Fair enough. But I hope that they got you to do this the more constructive way, rather than threaten not to invite you anywhere, or taunt you about all the invitations you missed out on because you looked a wreck. I've just always thought that real friends go about it differently. There is a fine line between being brutally honest and just plain rude and hurtful. It's a tough one to master for some or most, I guess. I always err on the side of caution myself and go the gently persuasive route. As the old saying goes, "you'll catch a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar."

Yeah no doubt they said it nicely but I'm just glad they did.

Intent is key.

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Wolftrap said:
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ChoclatePrincess said:
like my mother's says "if you don't have anything nice to say keep your damn mouth shut"

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I agree with this but if it is my friend and I am TRULY your friend I feel obligated to speak up. If it is just an acquaintance or someone I don't know well then yeah I'll keep my mouth shut.

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I agree but if you ask my opinion, I don't care how close we are I'm going to tell you the truth. I had a woman in a clothing store ask me my opinion about a dress she was buying and of course the salesperson was telling her it looked nice but I let her know the truth. So just know if you ask my opinion I'm going to give you my opinion not want you want to hear!

oh i know what you're saying... when i was in high school (historically black public school) girls were HARD on sistas. that made me hard on myself. this in turn makes me more "hip to fashion trends" and just VERY self critical. that high school experience, cuz i didn't have the cash to follow through with the styles i knew were in, really traumatized me and had me resenting that black women are generally so critical of ourselves especially in regards to HAIR, CLOTHES, and the way you present yourself.

this also happens at a church i used to go to that is "young" (read: trendy) and known to be a "fashion show" church.

i really feel that we as black women are too harsh on ourselves especially considering our historical and political position on this planet. that is too much emotional trauma if you don't "meet standard". too much irrational fear over something as vain and superficial as our appearance to others.

I don't know if you saw my post(HAS THIS HAPPENED TO YOU), but in that case, the girl said with such meaness that i knew it wasn't just criticism. my hair is perfectly healthy so for her to say otherwise...At the same time I do feel that not all comments like hers stem from jealousy as opposed to just ignorance of hair care

Well, back in February of '99 when it wasn't so cool and acceptable to go natural MOST of my friends DID NOT like my hair when I went natural but I didn't let their or anyone else's opinions stop me! They'd say all the normal things we hear such as "it's going to be hard to find a man with your hair like that", "why are your cutting off all that beautiful long hair you've worked so hard to grow", and yada yada, yada................but these were THEIR opinions of my hair! I'm sure these opinions were shared by some of the people who saw me with them and perhaps they were thinking "Man, why didn't they help their friends with the fro", but again THOSE WE'RE THEIR OPINIONS!!! MY OWN opinion is worth much more to me than anybody else's and as long as I'm comfortable in my own skin/hair than everyone else will be too and if they aren't then it sounds like a personal problem to me. Ofcourse 6 months later, and especially a year later when it's grown out and fluffy and they see me doing all kinds of twist outs, etc. and see how soft it is, THEN everybody wants to jump on the "Oh your hair is soooooooooo pretty" bandwagon! That's nice - but again, other's comments whether positive or negative are just that - comments and opinions.

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Karonica said:
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Wolftrap said:
Just cause a friend tells you something about your hair or your appearance this does not mean to get rid of them.

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And it doesn't always mean that they're jealous either. People kill me with that one.


It's not what the person says, but how, when, why....and where they say it that's the determining factor for me.

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Ditto. I've learned to read people pretty well so sometimes I"ll listen to them but regardless I'm gonna do what I what I wanna do.

Yup..what THEY said If it's innocent criticism, it's meant to help not hurt you.

My one uncle that really likes me will kinda tease me -- but in a playing way when i go home to visit and wear a bun or ponytail but it's always something along the lines of "jainy, got that thick hair just like her daddy, she needs to style it up some-- it sure would look pretty" but that's my uncle and i know he loves me and really means no harm.

Now some people are just mean. Like his daughter that hates me was with her boyfriend all up in my sister's face last December when i went down to visit asking if i had a damn weave. I have nothing against weave, but if you want to know, ask me ***** especially when she knows i'm not wearing one...just to put it in her boyfriends mind. i think she's still mad because he was looking at me and her like "i cant believe she's your cousin...she's not ghetto like you at all" but that's another story -- jainygirl

I can take criticism if it's presented in a constructive manner. With my friends...we may not necessarily say something critical but may offer suggestions for a different style that would look cute on them.

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hairlove said:
I can take criticism if it's presented in a constructive manner. With my friends...we may not necessarily say something critical but may offer suggestions for a different style that would look cute on them.

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ITA agree...it's all about how it's presented.

I can take criticism if it's presented in a TACTFUL, caring way. Don't just come to me any kind of way and expect me to listen. Come to me correct or don't come to me at all.

As far as the internet goes, if a person says that, 'my friend ALWAYS has negative things to say about my hair', then yes, I'm going to say they are jealous. Friends are supposed to be supportive not always tearing down with mean, negatvie comments. Shoot, I can go off on myself and do a better job at it, I don't need you to do it!

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NapturalGlory said:
oh i know what you're saying... when i was in high school (historically black public school) girls were HARD on sistas. that made me hard on myself. this in turn makes me more "hip to fashion trends" and just VERY self critical. that high school experience, cuz i didn't have the cash to follow through with the styles i knew were in, really traumatized me and had me resenting that black women are generally so critical of ourselves especially in regards to HAIR, CLOTHES, and the way you present yourself.

this also happens at a church i used to go to that is "young" (read: trendy) and known to be a "fashion show" church.

i really feel that we as black women are too harsh on ourselves especially considering our historical and political position on this planet. that is too much emotional trauma if you don't "meet standard". too much irrational fear over something as vain and superficial as our appearance to others.

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I totally agree, sometimes you just wanna chill out and there is always someone waiting for that day so they can tell you something about yourself. Also some people can be your friends but that doesn't mean that they still not resent/jealous of you in some way. For example two years ago I dyed my hair black. I could not walk two feet without some dude all up in my grill, chicks who had their ish together was asking me where I got my hair done. My friend starts to make it a point to tell me that I don't look good with black hair and God made a mistake and I should've been born with lighter hair. Please, you really think I was gonna beleive that? I always assume that people are comfortable where they are because if they are not they would ask for help in some way shape or form. So if they are comfortable with it then I am comfortable with it.