Relaxing the children.

SweetSpirit86 said:

Were you able to look at the site? There are other pictures there of the heat damaged hair, and it's just as bad if not worse, but the issue here isn't heat. I don't feel "perms are evil" as you say, but I don't believe they belong on a child's head. Yes, other things have potential damage as well, but potential is a big difference from guaranteed. I've had relaxers most of my life so I'm not speaking from the P.O.V. of someone who just wants to jump on a soapbox and fuss. Like I said, this is my opinion, other people are entitled to theirs.

And Nucie, yes..deceitful means dishonest. However, hypocritical means to be a hypocrite..or to judge people for something you are guilty of yourself. I think this is what Msa is referring to when she says she doesn't understand how she can be hypocrite if she's not going around relaxing children's hair. Then again, that probably wasn't completely directed to her.

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The perms are evil portion actually wasn't directed at you. I'm sorry I should have been more clear with that. And I totally agree that relaxers do not belong on a child's head but it seems like some of us are mixing the issue of perms for children with perms period.

I am currently transitioning. I will be 37 years old next week and I do not remember the texture of my natural hair. I think I got my first relaxer around 11 or 12, and my hair was always pressed prior to that. I have a son now with a head full of hair that includes every hair type - 1a to 4zzzz. If I were to have a daughter I absolutely would not relax her hair. She will have to wait until she is 18 years old and use her own money to have her hair relaxed. I have a 7 year old niece who is still natural although my younger sister bought a box relaxer to put in her hair - it's just sooo incredibly thick. My older sister and I convinced her not to. She passed away in October, and my mother is now raising my niece, but although my mother takes my niece to the salon every two weeks for a wash and blowdry, she will not relax my niece's hair. And if my mom ever changes her mind I guess I'll suck it up and take care of my niece's hair. With the knowledge I have gained from this site I feel confident I could take proper care of her hair.

Since I don't have kids, all I can go off of is what me and my sister experienced. My mom always took fantastic care of my hair when I was younger, but kind of like SweetSpirit described, I got to middle school and wanted straight hair. (Not necessarily blonde though -- LOL) I told my aunt and cousins, and my older cousin, who I admired sooo much, had pretty much ALWAYS had a relaxer, so she told me it was a good idea. They eventually persuaded my mom that it was what I wanted, and it would make my hair easier to manage, although my mom says my hair was NEVER hard to manage. She reluctantly gave in, and the day I got that Just For Me box from the store was the happiest day ever for me! My sister got to age 6 or so and got a relaxer -- they REALLY were on my mom about her hair because she is 4b and her hair definitely was unacceptable and "nappy" to them.

I transitioned on my own 2 years ago when I discovered DBs (and got too broke to afford relaxers), and my sister had decided right before that, at the age of 12, that she didn't want relaxers anymore. My hair grew "long" (meaning SL) with relaxers, but my sister's hair would just break left and right, leaving bald spots and chewed up ends and EL/NL hair. I guess she finally got sick of it and told my mom she would just get cornrows all the time, which she did for about a year. By the time I BC'd a year ago, she was ready for me to cut her relaxed ends off too, and now her hair is also APL, on the way to BSL. I redo her hair every time I go home, and it never looks unkempt, and is always easy to manage with a little Hawaiian Silky and a lot of conditioner, just like mine. It's funny because now my aunt and cousins complement her on her braids. If she ever presses her hair or wears it out and they see how long and healthy it is as opposed to what it was when we had it the way THEY wanted it, their eyes will fall out of their heads.

I say all that to get back on topic: my future daughters will not get relaxers unless they a) turn 18 or b) get emancipated....which also ain't happening. We are surrounded even in our own family by so many people who stigmatize our natural textures, and I feel as if I had listened to my mother (or had someone influential telling me my hair was beautiful) I would have never gotten a relaxer.

Leave the babies heads alone.

I have two daughters and relaxers aren't even an option. My 19 yr old knows how to take care of her natural hair. She's the one that has taught me how to use gel when I BC'd LOL My youngest DD would love nothing more than to have me cut her long hair because she really can't be bothered. I can picture her loving a relaxer, but I'll karate chop her if she even dared to ask me LOLOLOL

My mom relaxed my hair when I was 10 and I was left with lifeless thin hair. She didn't have the time to do my hair every week and she also didn't teach me so I taught myself. It took me years to get my hair done right and boy did I look a ham in the meantime. I could never do that to a child. Its just wrong.

Nope. Never. Won't even consider it for multiple reasons.

Natural hair is going to be loved, cared for, and encouraged in my home to the point of brainwashing.

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Pretty much.

I'll relax my daughter's hair, but I won't make a big deal about it either way.

I see a lot of people insisting that their child will never get a relaxer until they're 18. That seems like a good recipe to make your child get a relaxer just to rebel. Teenagers need some way to assert their independence and establish their own identity and most do it by rebelling and doing those things that they know will drive their parents crazy. The kid with the straight laced parents becomes goth and the one with the weirdo parents becomes as preppy as they come. Instead of sneaking off and getting a tatoo or a belly button piercing she'll get a relaxer instead.

Also, a lot of people are blaming the relaxer when they should be blaming the parents. What 8 year old does their own hair? In my world that's neglect. Natural or relaxed, most black girls younger than 12 will need help doing their hair.

I have to agree with the hypocritical statement. From what I can tell, the #1 rule of the forum is that "what works for one, may not work for another." Everyone makes their own decisions about what to do with their own head, so if a teen or tween asks for a relaxer, I don't think there's anything wrong (and certainly not abusive) with the mother giving her one.

If it was my daughter, I'd have a long talk with her about the pros and cons, explain to her exactly what the risks are (and also the responsibilities of having relaxed hair), and then probably impose a 6-month waiting period...if she still wanted it in 6 months, then we'd do it. Just because I wear my hair natural, doesn't mean that that's what my daughter would want--people have different senses of style, and they feel comfortable with different things. I mean, if my mother prefers conservative dress, that means I'm not allowed to wear a pair of jeans until I go to college? To me, that just doesn't seem fair.

I agree with imaccami that denying a relaxer can make a child ripe for rebellion. That happened to my niece, and she has "issues" with her hair because of it. Now, at age 17, she wears a relaxer. She doesn't want to wear natural hair because she feels that's just a way for her mother to control her.

I have a little one who is 5 and i will not relax her hair. I put alot of love and care and time in when i do her hair. But that is my job, im her mama. When she gets older maybe junior high early highschool, if she wants straight hair we can talk about flat ironing or roller sets to get the looks she may desire. But as long as she is young, no chemicals.

Rebellion often comes from a lack of understanding each other. The parent who doesn't wish for their child to do something...the child who just doesn't get what the big fuss is about in the first place. If you communicate WHY you don't feel the child should get a relaxer to the child in the first place, rebellion shouldn't be an issue. It's when parents get on that high-horse of "I'm the adult, I don't have to tell you anything. Just do what you're told." that kids go out and do the opposite, or feel controlled.

I explained to my baby that there's nothing wrong with her hair, and if she wants to wear it straight we can work that out, but it'd be a long process. I have temporarily straightened her hair before, and she'd like it for a day or two..then she'd want her "normal" hair back. A lot of us say 18...but if you look at the rest of what's written, it's often followed by "when she can afford to get it done herself." Basically, it's her head...and if she wants to put chemicals on it, that's her choice - But I will NOT assist. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And once again...it's not hypocrisy if you're not putting relaxers on children's heads lol. I also didn't see the 8yr old doing their own hair thing...guess I'll have to go back and reread bc I missed it lol. I agree that's neglect.

My dd will be 12 next month....her hair is natural and straightens easily with a little heat from the blow dryer and flat iron or pressing comb....in the spring and summer she wears puffs, natural cornrows(no extensions) and throughout the year she wears a press n curl or low bun. I do her hair she doesn't take care of it herself yet but when she gets older I don't know how she'll wear it. She isn't really into hair anyway and could care less right now...as long as it looks neat and it's clean she's cool...she says that I worry way too much about hair

scorpian said:

She isn't really into hair anyway and could care less right now...as long as it looks neat and it's clean she's cool...she says that I worry way too much about hair

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I was up till 12:30am doing my DD's hair (she's 10) since she's graduating today. I had to put it up in a bun since its raining. I walked her into the school holding an umbrella. I warned her not to touch her hair or else! Her graduation is at 6:30pm and I want it to look nice for the pictures.
Now she's the one that asked ME to rollerset her hair. I do it like 2x a year because she really can't be bothered. She feels the same way your daughter does, that I worry too much about hair LOL

My daughters saw me transition and how emotionally painful it was for me. My old DD was considering BKT last year when she turned 19 but decided against it. I didn't try to convince her, but she ended up making up her own mind.

BostonMaria said:

I was up till 12:30am doing my DD's hair (she's 10) since she's graduating today. I had to put it up in a bun since its raining. I walked her into the school holding an umbrella. I warned her not to touch her hair or else! Her graduation is at 6:30pm and I want it to look nice for the pictures.
Now she's the one that asked ME to rollerset her hair. I do it like 2x a year because she really can't be bothered. She feels the same way your daughter does, that I worry too much about hair LOL

My daughters saw me transition and how emotionally painful it was for me. My old DD was considering BKT last year when she turned 19 but decided against it. I didn't try to convince her, but she ended up making up her own mind.

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That is so me Awww Happy Graduation day!!

BostonMaria you look so young. I wouldn't even think you had a 19 year old!
p.s. your daughter is beautiful

mstar said:

I agree with imaccami that denying a relaxer can make a child ripe for rebellion. That happened to my niece, and she has "issues" with her hair because of it. Now, at age 17, she wears a relaxer. She doesn't want to wear natural hair because she feels that's just a way for her mother to control her.

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That's...not a good enough reason for me to give my child a relaxer.erplexed Do you (general) approach all parenting decisions in that manner? If I say no to XYZ, they'll just rebel and do it someday anyway, so I may as well give in? Sounds like the child is controlling the parent.

msa said:

Natural hair is going to be loved, cared for, and encouraged in my home to the point of brainwashing. The only decision they'll be making is whether they want cornrows or twists.

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ITA with the bolded!

As for the second part, I'll flat iron it every now and then if she wants me to, but relaxers are just not going to be an option.

Unlike most I got a relaxer when I was 3 years old. I don't think my mom was lazy, however I will say I think she was ignorant. She did not know how to care for her 4b hair or mine either. There wasn't any information (like this forum) readily available back in the eighties, for her to learn how to care for our hair. So she relaxed mine, and I ended up with those little broken off plaits about 2inches or so long.

So, no I wouldn't do the same thing she did. I would wait until my little girl reached middle school age before I relaxed. Because now I know how to take care of relaxed hair and keep it healthy.

BTW, I see a lot of people saying they wouldn't relax their DD's hair. I wonder though, if you've never had a little girl and you aren't natural how would you know how to take care of natural hair? I know I wouldn't. I would have to learn how to do that, just as I learned how to take care of relaxed hair. Learning something new is a process.

imaccami said:

I see a lot of people insisting that their child will never get a relaxer until they're 18. That seems like a good recipe to make your child get a relaxer just to rebel. Teenagers need some way to assert their independence and establish their own identity and most do it by rebelling and doing those things that they know will drive their parents crazy.

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I'm not sure why a teenager would see getting a relaxer as a rebellious move. IMO, rebellion comes from not having choices. My child will be able to rock various hairstyles, from afro puffs, to flat ironed hair, to braids/wigs/weaves if they so choose. I don't see why they would even want a relaxer.

mstar said:

I have to agree with the hypocritical statement. From what I can tell, the #1 rule of the forum is that "what works for one, may not work for another." Everyone makes their own decisions about what to do with their own head, so if a teen or tween asks for a relaxer, I don't think there's anything wrong (and certainly not abusive) with the mother giving her one.

If it was my daughter, I'd have a long talk with her about the pros and cons, explain to her exactly what the risks are (and also the responsibilities of having relaxed hair), and then probably impose a 6-month waiting period...if she still wanted it in 6 months, then we'd do it. Just because I wear my hair natural, doesn't mean that that's what my daughter would want--people have different senses of style, and they feel comfortable with different things. I mean, if my mother prefers conservative dress, that means I'm not allowed to wear a pair of jeans until I go to college? To me, that just doesn't seem fair.

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To the bold, yes that's exactly what it means. I'm the adult and it's my house. Nobody is relaxing in my house. Now as soon as they leave and pay their own bills, they can have relaxed orange hair if they want to, but not at my house.

And I don't see how this is an issue of "what works for one may not work for another". It appears to me that by applying that statement to this situation the implication is that natural hair won't "work" for my child. Of course it works, it's their hair. And they will have me to help them and they will have been learning their natural hair since birth. It's not that difficult.

Pink Hair23 said:

So, no I wouldn't do the same thing she did. I would wait until my little girl reached middle school age before I relaxed. Because now I know how to take care of relaxed hair and keep it healthy.

BTW, I see a lot of people saying they wouldn't relax their DD's hair. I wonder though, if you've never had a little girl and you aren't natural how would you know how to take care of natural hair? I know I wouldn't. I would have to learn how to do that, just as I learned how to take care of relaxed hair. Learning something new is a process.

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It is a process...but you have from birth to learn. It's not like your DD is going to be born with a head of WL hair. And you said you aren't going to relax until middle school...well that gives you at least a decade of learning how to take care of natural hair.

This thread hits home with me. My SO's DD is 5 and is relaxed, bone straight. When she came to us her hair was so damaged and short that we could not cornrow it without adding extension hair. We refuse to relax her hair as long as she is with us but we know that the mother will continue relaxing her hair. I wish that I could offer some hair advice to the young lady. Please pray for me and my new DD. Thank you.

I voted yay. I have a step daughter whose mother decided to relax her hair. She takes her every two weeks and in between that when I have her, I giver her conditioning treatments and do her hair. Her hair is really growing and is looking healthy, granted it is not as thick as it was when it was natural, but it is growing long and looking healthy and is starting to thicken back up.

I'm just curious, will the parents who say no to relaxers also say no to BKT? (I'm asking in a friendly way)

msa said:

I'm not sure why a teenager would see getting a relaxer as a rebellious move. IMO, rebellion comes from not having choices. My child will be able to rock various hairstyles, from afro puffs, to flat ironed hair, to braids/wigs/weaves if they so choose. I don't see why they would even want a relaxer.

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It's a rebellious move because a relaxer isn't allowed in your house. She'll have heard of relaxers, will eventually ask you about it, you'll explain your views and she'll understand that you're against it. If she wants to really prove to you that she can do what she wants no matter what you say about it one way she may do so would be to get a relaxer.

imaccami said:

I'm just curious, will the parents who say no to relaxers also say no to BKT? (I'm asking in a friendly way)

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Yes. BKT is a chemical that straightens your hair. I really don't think it's all that different from a relaxer.

I'm not anti-straight hair. I'm really not. I'm just against the idea that anyone NEEDS a relaxer. I'm against the fact that relaxers are seen as a rite of passage for young black girls. My dd does not NEED to have chemically straightened hair. There's just not a compelling reason for it. It won't make her grades better, it won't make her more beautiful than she already is, it won't make her healthier, and it won't make her a better person. Instead of asking "Why not?", the question should be "Why should I?"

ETA: I'd sooner do a relaxer on my child than a BKT, which lets you know how I feel about it . There's just not enough info out there about it. Formaldehyde? On my child?

imaccami said:

I'm just curious, will the parents who say no to relaxers also say no to BKT? (I'm asking in a friendly way)



It's a rebellious move because a relaxer isn't allowed in your house. She'll have heard of relaxers, will eventually ask you about it, you'll explain your views and she'll understand that you're against it. If she wants to really prove to you that she can do what she wants no matter what you say about it one way she may do so would be to get a relaxer.

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Yes, I'm completely against BKT as well. I'm already prepared to make concessions to straight hair if that's what DD wants, but it won't be chemically straightened. I think it would be crazy to say "you can't have straight hair just because I don't like straight hair". That would not be fair at all. Especially since a relaxer is not required to have straight hair.

I see where you're coming from about the relaxer. I intend on teaching my children about relaxers from an early age so that they know how to defend themselves against people who may try to put on in their hair. If my child goes to get a relaxer just because I said no, well that will be something entirely different and she will be punished accordingly. I just don't see why a teenager would want a relaxer that badly, especially when she has so many other options.

mstar said:

If it was my daughter, I'd have a long talk with her about the pros and cons, explain to her exactly what the risks are (and also the responsibilities of having relaxed hair), and then probably impose a 6-month waiting period...if she still wanted it in 6 months, then we'd do it.

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this is a great point. i read on here somewhere that one member wanted a relaxer as a teen, and her mom told her she would have to learn how to rollerset her own hair first. i think by the time she learned all that, she didn't want a relaxer anymore because she saw how healthy and beautiful her hair was following a rollerset.

Southernbella. said:

ITA with the bolded!

As for the second part, I'll flat iron it every now and then if she wants me to, but relaxers are just not going to be an option.

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right -- i think when we say "no relaxers for my DD" people don't think about the versatility of natural hair. i know the reason i went natural was FOR the versatility -- one day it can be straight and silky, the next day it can be curly. i have no problem flat ironing or rollersetting her hair when she gets older, but it will not involve a relaxer.

imaccami said:

I'm just curious, will the parents who say no to relaxers also say no to BKT? (I'm asking in a friendly way)

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I think this step would come after the aforementioned "learn to rollerset first" step as a last resort. I am not opposed to it at this point, largely because by the time I have a DD and she gets old enough to have this discussion with me, hopefully BKTs will not be formaldehyde-based.

Southernbella. said:

ETA: I'd sooner do a relaxer on my child than a BKT, which lets you know how I feel about it . There's just not enough info out there about it. Formaldehyde? On my child?

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Exactly.

I wish I would BKT my child. Lawd, that will be the day. I would much rather relax her hair.

Southernbella. said:

That's...not a good enough reason for me to give my child a relaxer.erplexed Do you (general) approach all parenting decisions in that manner? If I say no to XYZ, they'll just rebel and do it someday anyway, so I may as well give in? Sounds like the child is controlling the parent.

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Oh, I don't have a daughter. I am going off of the way that I was raised, and I thank god I didn't have to contend with parents who tried to control and dominate me, based on their beliefs. I remember when I cut off all my hair at age 14, and got an asymmetrical Halle Berry cut that was shaved in the back--the week before our family reunion! My mother almost fainted when she picked me up from the salon, but she respected my decision to do what I pleased with MY hair. I have friends who weren't allowed to cut their hair period, and in my mind that kind of control is just unnecessary.

I know it took a lot of courage for my parents to raise me the way that they did, and they were criticized for it ("sounds like the child is controlling the parent," that type of stuff). But I'm grateful for it, and I would follow their example in raising my own child.

For me, this would be one of the times when I'd say, "It's just hair." It grows back. I'd let my child make their own mistakes, and then I'd be there to help when they needed it. Being relaxed at some point in our lives hasn't hindered any of us from going natural and taking control of our hair.

msa said:

Exactly.

I wish I would BKT my child. Lawd, that will be the day. I would much rather relax her hair.

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I got some strong feelings about the whole BKT thing..

Not relaxing my future child's hair.

I'm relaxed though, and I think it does send a certain statement to your daughter if YOU continue to relax your hair but yet you want to keep your daughters hair natural.

So I need to be aware of that and hopefully i'm natural by that point so i can lead by example.

Daughter will give me the side-eye if i keep telling her not to put chemicals on her curls while i'm sashaying around the house with my bone straight APL hair. What message does that send?

msa said:

Exactly.

I wish I would BKT my child. Lawd, that will be the day. I would much rather relax her hair.

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Mm...yeah...I can't imagine putting something with a key ingredient from what I use to clean my toilet in my child's hair. I've been hearing about some "natural" ones though...without the formaldehyde...but they supposedly don't work well anyways.

I texurized my dd's hair and it has done us a world of good. The texturizer is the best of both worlds because I can detangle with ease but she still has a lot of texture (think 3c-4a) No more screaming, 3 hour detangles, etc. It takes me 10-15 min to moisturize and french braid her hair in the mornings and 3-4 mins to moisturize at night. I give her hair just as much attention as I give mine and I buy enough of the "good stuff" to put on her hair as well.

I was relaxed at 4 by my grandmother and I had APL-BSL hair until I took over. All of my friends in elm. school were relaxed and BSL, except two sisters that were natural and their hair was short and dry. Relaxed or natural, it's all in how you care for it. I take EXTRA care of my daughters hair daily because I know how important hair can be to the self esteem.

It does bother me to see a little girl with a relaxer before the age of 5. I just looks unnatural. But as long as it looks cared for, I really don't see a big deal. Relaxing is not child abuse, neglect is.