Abstinence and Celibacy Dilemma

cocoberry10

New Member
Hi Ladies:

I had to give my thread that title to catch your eyes. Anyway, I am a true believer of Christ, and I love the Lord. I am in my early 20's, and have been able to keep myself chaste my entire life. It has been extremely difficult, and I have had to go without boyfriends, etc. because of it. But I really do believe in abstinence for so many reasons, not just religious.

Anyway, my dilemma is this. I feel like all the men I meet just want to sleep with me, and are not looking for a true relationship. I don't say so, but many men tell me I am very pretty and sexy. I am really petite/small, but I am also very voluptuous (wear size 0-2, but have DD chest). A lot of men hit on me, and I have been told by friends that know I'm a virgin, that I don't "seem" like a virgin. They say many virgins don't have personalities and are stoic, but because I do, most men probably have no idea that I am one. I am not a wild girl, but I do have a personality.

I am beginning to feel extremely discouraged that nice, respectable men are nonexistent. I know there are good men out there, but I am just getting frustrated. Recently, a guy that I thought was a friend, basically told me that he has wanted me (sexually) for a long time; and he really wants to sleep with me. He keeps telling me what a good time we could have. What!? I let him know that I don't get down like that, and I didn't cuss him out, because he respects the fact that I wouldn't sleep with him, but inside I actually felt horrible. One of my friends said I should be happy that men find me attractive, because it could go the other way. However, I feel kind of sick and sad inside. I just want a good man, who loves and respects me. When I get married, of course I will be with my husband and please him sexually. But I don't want to just sleep around right now. Furthermore, I hate only being viewed as a sexual object. I am a kind-hearted, well-educated, compassionate, mature and loving woman, and I long for someone to see and appreciate that about me and not just see me as a piece of meat or ***!

I've been praying to God about this, but my heart is still not comforted. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you ladies, and sorry so long!
 
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Sweet C

Well-Known Member
Before I respond, I wanted to ask you 2 quick questions:

cocoberry10 said:
Anyway, my dilemma is this. I feel like all the men I meet just want to sleep with me, and are not looking for a true relationship. I don't say so, but many men tell me I am very pretty and sexy. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you ladies, and sorry so long!

1) When you say all the men you meet, I have to ask what type of men are you meeting (believer, unbeliever, etc.)?

2) When men tell you that you are very pretty and sexy, how do you respond?
 
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cocoberry10

New Member
Sweet C said:
Before I respond, I wanted to ask you 2 quick questions:



1) When you say all the men you meet, I have to ask what tpe of men are you meeting (believer, unbeliever, etc.)?

2) When men tell you that you are very pretty and sexy, how do you respond?

Thanks Sweet C. To answer your question.

1) It's not ALL the men I meet. Most of them are believers, or at least they proclaim to be. If a man told me he was an unbeliever, he probably wouldn't be too close in my circle of friends. I should have said of the guys I meet that express interest.

2) If they tell me I'm pretty, I will say thank you, because I was taught to say thank you to compliments. If they tell me I'm sexy, I usually try to brush it off, because I don't like that. I find it weird when men push up on me, because I think I seem to be a very conservative person. I dress conservatively (As I said before, I'm voluptuous, but I don't wear cleavage enhancing or too tight clothes). However, I feel like I can't "hide" my figure under clothes, no matter how hard I try. My friends tell me that no matter what I wear, you can still see my figure. I have worn larger clothes to hide it, or bulky sweaters. I dress almost like a 1950's housewife/soccer mom, but I still get this unwanted attention. I'm not comfortable with it.

Also, I am somewhat reserved as a person. I'm somewhat quiet, and have been told that I have a sweet demeanor. That's another reason I find it hard to believe that a guy would actually think he could get me to sleep with him. I always thought I seemed sweet and innocent (which I actually am). My friends say I seem nice and warm, and because guys might be attracted to me physically, that's why they try to approach me sexually. Not every guy comes right out and says "I want to sleep with you" the first time I meet them. However, it seems like even some of the Christian guys I meet aren't interested in truly getting to know me as a person, before deciding whether they want to court me (or any woman for that matter) or just be friends. When I meet a guy, my first thought is not to get romantically involved with them. In fact, I had decided that I wasn't going to date, because I don't even want the drama that comes with dating.

Recently, I feel like I have had to watch how nice I've been to guys, because I don't want to give them the wrong impression. It's in my nature to give all people compliments (whether men or women), and I usually hug my friends. However, I don't want to give a guy the wrong impression, so I have stopped doing this, just in case. I hope that answers some of your questions.

Cocoberry
 

cocoberry10

New Member
By the way, I wanted to say I'm very confident in my ability to maintain my celibacy. That's not the dilemma. My concern is that I feel like a lot of these guys out here don't respect that quality in women anymore, even a lot of these Christian guys. I know there are men who respect that about women. How do you ladies ward off unwanted attention, especially if it comes from someone you thought was just a friend?
 

phynestone

Well-Known Member
cocoberry10 said:
By the way, I wanted to say I'm very confident in my ability to maintain my celibacy. That's not the dilemma. My concern is that I feel like a lot of these guys out here don't respect that quality in women anymore, even a lot of these Christian guys. I know there are men who respect that about women. How do you ladies ward off unwanted attention, especially if it comes from someone you thought was just a friend?

I try to keep my distance. There are nice guys out there but it's like they come a dime a dozen.
 

caligirl

Well-Known Member
A man may love and respect you, but still fantasize about you and want to have sex with you. I think its natural for him to feel this way if he's attracted to you. I think you just need to be upfront from the very beginning about your beliefs and boundaries.
 

Synthia

New Member
cocoberry10 said:
By the way, I wanted to say I'm very confident in my ability to maintain my celibacy. That's not the dilemma. My concern is that I feel like a lot of these guys out here don't respect that quality in women anymore, even a lot of these Christian guys. I know there are men who respect that about women. How do you ladies ward off unwanted attention, especially if it comes from someone you thought was just a friend?

Cocoberry! I am so proud of you. I enjoyed reading this thread. In an era of sleazy whores, I'm so glad you've been able to maintain your virginity and innocence and yet be free and open to the joy of the world (with a great body too! :p).

I hope you reap the fortune of a righteous man who will respect you. You're going to have to go to a mixed-gender Christian conference or something.

I am no virgin (which I don't regret) but I've been celibate for five years and it's wonderful.

I wish you much fornication-free happiness :)
 
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cocoberry10

New Member
19sweetie said:
I try to keep my distance. There are nice guys out there but it's like they come a dime a dozen.

I know 19sweetie, that's exactly how I feel. Hopefully, there is a nice one out there for me :lol: :lol: :) !

caligirl said:
A man may love and respect you, but still fantasize about you and want to have sex with you. I think its natural for him to feel this way if he's attracted to you. I think you just need to be upfront from the very beginning about your beliefs and boundaries.

I never thought of it that way. I guess that makes sense, since they say men are physical. One of the ministers in our church spoke at a Christian meeting for young singles and told us that "I'm not sleeping with (his wife's) spirit, so many men look at a woman physically. Hint: He was telling the women to try and look nice, I guess. I will definitely be up front with guys.


Synthia said:
Cocoberry! I am so proud of you. I enjoyed reading this thread. In an era of sleazy whores, I'm so glad you've been able to maintain your virginity and innocence and yet be free and open to the joy of the world (with a great body too! :p).

I hope you reap the fortune of a righteous man who will respect you. You're going to have to go to a mixed-gender Christian conference or something.

I am no virgin (which I don't regret) but I've been celibate for five years and it's wonderful.

I wish you much fornication-free happiness :)

Thanks Synthia. Your response is very inspirational! Congratulations on being celibate for 5 years. I know this must be extremely difficult, and I have a lot of respect and admiration for women like you!
 

planodiva

New Member
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I myself am a young woman in her 20's slim size 4 with DD breast and true no matter what I do, I receive unwanted attention. Especially from men at work which makes me very uncomfortable.

Know that we all (hope I can speak for everyone) have had men walk away from us when they realize "ooh she is serious" about not having sex. But I do have fulfilling non-sexual relationships. As someone stated earlier just know that when the date or conversation starts taking a turn towards what he wants just let him know again where you stand.

And I am discouraged about the caliber of men in my age group. But I just continue to pray that God prepares me for greater things in all relationships.
 

Synthia

New Member
cocoberry10 said:
Thanks Synthia. Your response is very inspirational! Congratulations on being celibate for 5 years. I know this must be extremely difficult, and I have a lot of respect and admiration for women like you!


Actually it's not difficult at all (even though I'm a nymph :look: - hope that didn't offend you!). I fell in love and once you have sex with someone you really love, you never want to have sex with anyone else. I truly wish there were no men before or after him.

That relationship didnt' work out and I suspect it was partly because we were so overwhelmed by the physical kinetics. A part of me believes that if we hadn't had sex we might still be together because the other aspects of our bonding would have been stronger.

I love resisting now. It makes me feel pure and mature ...like I know the value of love and intimacy. If I fall in love again (and I hope too) ...I will save the physical for marriage and focus on the other aspects.

I hope to have intimacy with one man for the rest of my life (if I find true love again :))
 
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Supergirl

With Love & Silk
Okay, either time has gone backwards, I'm going crazy, or half this thread is missing!

Coco, I hope you got a chance to read what I posted to you before it mysteriously vanished. Just know that I admire you and have no doubt that you are doing the right thing and God honors that.
 

cocoberry10

New Member
Supergirl said:
Okay, either time has gone backwards, I'm going crazy, or half this thread is missing!

Coco, I hope you got a chance to read what I posted to you before it mysteriously vanished. Just know that I admire you and have no doubt that you are doing the right thing and God honors that.

Thanks Supergirl! I did see your post
 
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