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Discouraging Mom Strikes Again...

filthyfresh

New Member
My aunt, who is a faithful weave wearer, bought me an IW which is about BSL on me (my ideal length). My mom, who is totally against weaves, but will support me getting a wig :rolleyes: thinks that I look completely ridiculous with it on.

She proceeds to yell at me about how horrible I look in it (I took a picture to show my SO and ended up showing her). I tell her that I'm wearing it to grow my hair out and protect it. She says, "YOUR HAIR WILL NEVER BE LONG! IT JUST WON'T HAPPEN! YOUR HAIR WON'T GROW PAST WHERE IT IS NOW! YOU'RE NOT MEANT TO HAVE LONG HAIR! NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THAT!" And it made me cry, truthfully. Because here is my mother, of all people, telling me that I can't do something. She's always been the person to encourage me in anything I did. But now since I've been on LHCF, she just gives me this look of contempt when I talk about hair products or when I mention that I'm transitioning. Her answer to that is, "YOU NEED A PERM!" I told her that I'm trying something new and that I wanted to have healthy hair.

Plus, I told her I never got to do that because she relaxed me at age 5. She said, "I permed your hair when you were a kid and you never got another one until you were a teenager." :wallbash: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I got a relaxer every time she did! Which was every 5-6 weeks since I was 5! I say to her, so what did you think you were paying for? Just a total disregard for my hair care as a kid. It's ridiculous. Now I'm feeling self-conscious and afraid to wear my IW, which hurts because 1. my aunt spent her money on it 2. I really like it 3. my SO loves it and 4. I'm supposed to be an adult at 22, and my mother's"opinion" (arrogance/bossy-ness/know-it-all-ness) still has the ability to bring me to tears. [sigh] I don't know what to do ladies. I'm feeling severely discouraged & I'm just...through.
 

KAT25

New Member
:bighug: I know your mom's opinion of you is important but girl.... rock your wig and grow your hair out and be happy... her negative should drive you to push on and grow, grow, grow and in order to do that you need to rock the wig for protective style. Your SO likes it so ROCK the wig..
 

chebaby

Well-Known Member
i understand. my mother is my best friend and im 21 but she can say things that hurt my feelings without knowing. but i say wear it. and continue on with you hair care. nothing says i told you so like a big fat smile when you walk through the door with long hair.
another thing is that it may not be your mother hating on you but the fact that you never had long hair(im assuming from her comments) and by her being your mom she thinks if anyone knows she does
 

Hair Iam

Well-Known Member
Be encouraged 2 out of the 3 people in your life are supporting you wearing it. Do your self a favor and when mom starts with "her" negativity. Say in a quite voice "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" smile a big smile and keep repeating it until she stops. It's part of our natural hair journey to overcome in every area of our lives not just with our hair. From what I'm hearing , it not so much about hair ..as it is about control ...its your hair and you have to learn not be be offended and that means learning to positively stand up for it and yourself. God bless
 

filthyfresh

New Member
Be encouraged 2 out of the 3 people in your life are supporting you wearing it. Do your self a favor and when mom starts with "her" negativity. Say in a quite voice "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" smile a big smile and keep repeating it until she stops. It's part of our natural hair journey to overcome in every area of our lives not just with our hair. From what I'm hearing , it not so much about hair ..as it is about control ...its your hair and you have to learn not be be offended and that means learning to positively stand up for it and yourself. God bless

Yes! She is extremely controlling. Plus, she hates long hair. She has kept her Halle Berry crop-do for YEARS. She abhors long hair. I think you're right though. I just have to have faith in myself and my hair.
 

Xavier

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry to hear about what happened between you and your mom. Many people don't get "us" when we are going through our hair care journey. You just have to ignore them and let the results speak for themselves.
 

Christa438

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry to hear about what happened between you and your mom. Many people don't get "us" when we are going through our hair care journey. You just have to ignore them and let the results speak for themselves.


ITA with what the other ladies have said. Wear your IW. Im sure it looks good especially if your aunt has been wearing them for a long time and knows how to pick them. Even your SO loves it. Please wear it. She's your mom and I know she loves you and doesn't mean to hurt you but since her hair hasn't grown long, in her mind--your hair can't grow long either. I would stop talking about hair care and products to her, the convo will continue to turn negative if she's not a supporter/believer. When you have healthy long hair down your back, she'll regret not encouraging you and she'll realize she was wrong. :yep: Keep ya head up and do you!
 

mrsthiggy

Member
Yes! She is extremely controlling. Plus, she hates long hair. She has kept her Halle Berry crop-do for YEARS. She abhors long hair. I think you're right though. I just have to have faith in myself and my hair.

I think Your Mother is repeating the hurtful things that were said to her. So many of us were told " Girl stop dreaming" or "That Is not going to happen" etc. Pray for her and keep doing what you are doing FOR YOU, for the glory of God Almighty

Please be at peace with yourself and what you want for you and don't share any
more with her
 

AsTheCurlzTurns

Active Member
"Reading b/t the lines here"

But in your post you stated that your mom always kept her hair in a short Halle 'do. You mean she's never had long hair at all? If not, I just kind of feel like she's feeling a lil resentment towards you for possibly doing something that she hasn't been able to do. Hence why she keeps her hair short? Also part of the reason she's giving you such negative vibes, because she'd hate to see you accomplish what she couldn't.:perplexed

But I have to agree with everyone else here though. You received that IW as a gift, and I'm sure your aunt is saying "She looks so pretty!!" You, her and your SO all like how it looks on you, so you 3 trumps your mom. Mom just doesn't understand that times have changed in today's world. We're all on a different wavelength than what was being done years ago yanno. So knowledge is power, keep that info for yourself, when she sees how far you've come, I'm sure she'll ask for advice then. So common words......JUST DO YOU!!! I totally do understand where you're coming from though:bighug:

On an added note, if she's that deadset against it, how about just wearing it when you're around others, but remove it when you're around your mom? Just a suggestion so that no feathers gets ruffled upon her seeing you in your IW and bringing you to tears again.
 

blasiancurlie

New Member
WEAR IT!!!!:grin::grin::grin::grin:

....and show her that you're gonna do what makes YOU happy and that you WILL grow your hair long. it's not impossible. i wish you all the luck and hope your real hair gets to BSL! i'm sorry she made you cry. :sad:
 

hothair

Well-Known Member
take a pic - PM me to the link and i'll tell you HONESTLY what its like and if its not great I can send u pics of nice instant weaves that may work for you :)

BTW Do you live with your mum? It may be time to branch out at 22...
 

cocoaluv

Well-Known Member
Girl dont let it stress you out at all. My mom has said alotta dumb sh!t to me in the past and it really got me down. A week ago she told me she doesnt think it would be a good idea for me to have or adopt children because I have a heart condition...both of which I have planned on doing since I was a little girl. It really hurt me at first but after I talked to my dad and doctor about it I came to the realization that my moms a hater and I shouldn't look to her for encouragment when it comes to certain things. She does this alot when it comes to my brother and I but he is the only one smart enough to ignore her. I think the same should apply to you and your hair situation. Do what you want cuz at the end of the day its your head and happiness that matters.
 

HAIRapy

SuperDuper Member
She started with me again this morning...:nono:
FilthyFresh, I'm 31 and my mom can bring me to tears too, so don't feel bad about that. Maybe you mom really doen't believe that you can grow hair... but I don't think it's personal, she just doesn't know any better. Take on this stance "I can show you better than I can tell you" (say that in your mind over and over again while she's going at it with you and just let her talk- don't try to convince her that you will grow hair) that means, don't tell her anything about your hair growing ambitions anymore- some people you can't tell because they have no faith in the ability to grow hair and you don't need anyone's negativity dragging you down. Show her you can grow your hair, but don't say anything. Keep your stash of products private (in your room in a drawer or closet, so she won't see the money you're kicking out on stuff- she may have something to say about it and you want to avoid the haircare subject. About the wig, YOU are the only one standing under that wig, no one else- do you! If you like it and your man thinks you're sexy in it, forget what anyone else thinks about it. <<<BIG HUGS>>> Feel better and I hope this helps...


ETA:: Next time she starts with you about it, just look her in the eye and say "You know what Mom, you may be right. I don't know what I was thinking." BUT in your head say "I can show you better than I can tell you"
 

ravenmerlita

New Member
If you put up a pic here, members will honestly tell you if it looks ok.

I work with a lot of families, and from time to time I've seen parents who are discouraging of their kids. Many times when you get to the heart of it, they are so afraid that their kids will get hurt or will fail that they are very discouraging and sometimes even hurtful. I suppose their logic is that their child might as well hear it from them rather than in the street, or that they want to "keep it real".

For me what has always worked best in these situations is quiet success. Just keep moving forward on your goals and unless you seriously have some underlying metabolic or health problem, your hair will grow and it will get longer until it is long by any standard.
 
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2 words... "Aight ma." I wouldnt even talk about it with her. When my mama goes on a rant, especially if its on something Ive heard a million times before, I just say "Aight ma." and leave the room. She can talk to herself cuz I aint tryna hear it. Matter of fact, flip you IW at her and say it LOL In a few months she'll be asking what youre doing and why your hair is growing, or is that a wig? How she gonna give you hair advice when she was relaxing your hair at 5 and every 6 weeks since then? Ignore her.
 

filthyfresh

New Member
take a pic - PM me to the link and i'll tell you HONESTLY what its like and if its not great I can send u pics of nice instant weaves that may work for you :)

BTW Do you live with your mum? It may be time to branch out at 22...

I would LOVE to move out but I'm still in college and financially, I don't make enough to move out. I give her $250 a month to cover my cell phone and bascially rent. I work part-time at the DMV and go to school full-time. So believe me, I'm more than ready to branch out. My wallet just isn't. :sad:
 

ebonylocs

New Member
"Reading b/t the lines here"

But in your post you stated that your mom always kept her hair in a short Halle 'do. You mean she's never had long hair at all? If not, I just kind of feel like she's feeling a lil resentment towards you for possibly doing something that she hasn't been able to do. Hence why she keeps her hair short? Also part of the reason she's giving you such negative vibes, because she'd hate to see you accomplish what she couldn't.:perplexed


Ummm. Not everybody who doesn't grow long hair can't. Some just don't want to. I know in my late teens and early 20s I kept my hair always chopped off and didn't even think twice about long hair. I thought nothing about taking a pair of scissors to my head monthly or even daily when I was in the mood.
 
If you put up a pic here, members will honestly tell you if it looks ok.

I work with a lot of families, and from time to time I've seen parents who are discouraging of their kids. Many times when you get to the heart of it, they are so afraid that their kids will get hurt or will fail that they are very discouraging and sometimes even hurtful. I suppose their logic is that their child might as well hear it from them rather than in the street, or that they want to "keep it real".

For me what has always worked best in these situations is quiet success. Just keep moving forward on your goals and unless you seriously have some underlying metabolic or health problem, your hair will grow and it will get longer until it is long by any standard.

IA. My ma was the same way with me. I looked just like her and she didn't like herself, so she would belittle me as a way to punish herself. Years later she apologized for the way she acted and said that she was trying to prepare me for a cruel world:hardslap:. She now says the way I manage my own life in spite of her (her words, not mine) has given her a newfound respect for me.

I hope that you and your mom are able to mend your relationship. Much love to you.:bighug:
I would love to see a pic of you in your IW. I bet you look great!
 

AsTheCurlzTurns

Active Member
Ummm. Not everybody who doesn't grow long hair can't. Some just don't want to. I know in my late teens and early 20s I kept my hair always chopped off and didn't even think twice about long hair. I thought nothing about taking a pair of scissors to my head monthly or even daily when I was in the mood.

No, no, I was asking a question, just generalizing thinking what could be or may be, you know like some other underlying issue. But I totally do understand where you're coming from though. But didn't think of it that way at the time I made the post.
 

DarkAngell

Well-Known Member
ugh!!! wtf! what is it with moms?!?!????

my mom told me today after giving my hair a filthy look how "interesting" it was. i mentioned later that i may get braids and she says "well it'll certainly look beter than THAT" ( referring to my natural texture ) I straightened my hair this weekend and when she saw how silky and soft it was she says "it's amazing how you can go from that nappy sh** to this!you should keep it flat ironed" :angry2::bat:


:hug2:
Im sorry she said that and made you upset. We're here for you though and unfortunately alot of us feel your pain and identify with what you're goin through. It sux when the person who you should be able to trust the most hurts you like that. When it happens to me i just come in here and bury my head in lhcf for a couple of hours and it always makes me feel much better...and much more grounded as far as hair is concerned. And if there's one thing this forum proves is that she WILL eat her words.... it's only a matter of time.
 

cecilie

New Member
I encourage you to wear your wig , your mother is angry because she couldn't control your look like in the past and she hates nappy hair and your choice maybe hurt her it's seems like you judge her because she relaxed your hair at 5.
SHE LOVES YOU BUT NOW SHE MUST ACCEPT YOUR CHOICE .
GOOD LUCK
 

DDTexlaxed

TRANSITION OVER! 11-22-14
Chalk it up to old school folks who think black women don't and can never have long hair. Keep trying to respect mom despite the hurtful comments. As your hair grows, you can prove her wrong. We're here to support you, mo matter what.:grouphug:
 

ricochet

Member
I am so sorry your Mom doesn't support your hair growth journey. I know it is Mom but Moms are not right about EVERYTHING...you know that. Be encouraged, sadly there are black women all over the world who think the same thing about our own hair that your Mom thinks. I truly believe that anyone can have past shoulder length hair. We have been taking care of it WRONG for soooo many years and it's very hard to come out of that stigma. You are a grown woman and are ultimately responsible for your own happiness so be encouraged, come to LHCF to get all the support you will EVER need(even if we are out here in cyberspace :)) and don't talk to your Mom about hair, ANYMORE. Hugs! :bighug:
 

_belle

New Member
girl, u better put that weave on, and get your tail out the house. . . no offense to moms, but she was the reason your hair was in bad shape before. . . wouldn't really let her give u hair "advice"
 

ayanharr

New Member
This breaks my heart! But it's gonna feel soooooooooo good when you finally reach your goal length or even half of that and she finally acknowledges that you were right!

Hang in there!!!!!
 

filthyfresh

New Member
Hey ladies. Thanks so much for all of your support.

Here are the photos. One. Two. Three.
Now mind you I haven't blended my hair in at all yet, I was just checking for length. It was kind of weird at first (I might end up having a friend cut it to APL), but when I felt all that length around me, I LOVED it. LOL. :grin:
 

RegaLady

New Member
Ummm. Not everybody who doesn't grow long hair can't. Some just don't want to. I know in my late teens and early 20s I kept my hair always chopped off and didn't even think twice about long hair. I thought nothing about taking a pair of scissors to my head monthly or even daily when I was in the mood.

I have worn the short Halle do' for 7 years, and LOVED IT!!! You are right, some people just think what they have looks good. I didn't give a jack about having long hair, and many people loved the short look on me, including my husband. But, now I have chosen to go longer.

My husband didn't support my weave and wig wearin'. I was very discourage. He liked the short hair better, also. But, make your own mind up, and DO U! Whatever that is. It is your hair, not your mother's! She will only see in time, that you made a goal, stuck to it, and succeeded. You will gain a lot of respect from her. Even if weave made you look stupid, you still need to go through an experience to get the results you want!
 
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