Discussion in 'News - Breaking News & Political Forum' started by bubbles12345, Apr 9, 2019.
So what happens if you're a single successful black woman but you want children?
I’m not arguing if black ppl should be judge by the same standards, but surly having negative wealth excludes anyone from the middle class.
Middle class is determined by income, profession, education and home ownership. The average doctor has a negative net worth for years after medical school but most people would consider doctors to be at least middle class because of income, education and profession. Middle class is a socio-economic group, not one that is solely determined by networth.
Oh I didn't think you were. The rest of my post was an aside.
Children are very easy to get.
It's a route but not the only route. Marrying the right person is key as well as living within a reasonable budget and looking into other streams of income e.g. interest from investment, business ownership, rental etc.
I wouldn't advocate living unmarried and alone by choice unless you're an extreme introvert and loner.
I believe the article because it describes me. Single, college educated, living alone and no kids. IDK about where I fall with income though because some years I make well into the 6 figures and other years I don't. Plus I rent in Los Angeles and I don't have 2 million dollars to buy anything right now. So I guess I'm middle class aspiration adjacent out here.
I don't understand.
You asked what happens if you're a single successful woman who wants children and the answer is there are men everywhere that will give those women all the children they want free of charge. Will you still be part of the middle class? The answer depends on how successful you are.
The bolded is 90% of the battle.
Another thing is that I would advise women to find career & financial success before marriage and children. It's easier and you're more flexible with your time and other resources. Unless you're marrying rich rich then both of you will have to make a substantial contribution to reach upper middle class if that's your desire.
Even with a college degree the average woman is going to have a regular degular middle class job and not marry rich. Also most people are going to date at least a year before making wedding plans so you gotta factor in "kissing some frogs time". The optimal time to multi-task finding a husband with building a career is right out of undergrad or between 21-27.
I feel most aren't settled into their careers and finances until late 30s/early 40s. By then, it may be too late to have kids if that is what you want. So you kind have to find someone on track to career success in your late 20s/early 30s, if you want to marry and have kid(s).
A lot of my friends want to be married with 4+ kids. And I'm like how sway...you are late 20s/early 30s with no ring in sight, still figuring out your career/in school, and have lots of debt. If they are in relationships, their boyfriends are in similar situations.
If you wanted all Dem kids, you should have started earlier. Having a lot of kids late in the game or in general doesn't seem like a smart financial move to me.
Yeah, careers are taking longer to establish. It's why we're not having children at the replacement rate as a nation overall. When I was in college I envisioned getting married young, having a career and three children and spacing them out like my parents did. Nope. Not happening.
Beneficial for black women.
Not necessarily. If the average woman wants to achieve the goal stated in the OP, then she'll have to prioritize. Married women and women who are mothers have added responsibility than those who are not. So these formative years when you're supposed to taking risky career moves etc. will be replaced with taking a "safe" route to provide stability for your family. There are a host of single and available older men who too sacrificed a social life in their formative years in order to build their career and wealth. I married one
How much younger than your husband are you?
Men and women are on different biological timelines and are offering different things to the opposite sex in the desirability market. A 30-50 year old man who spent his formative years building resources looking to marry will have a larger age range of partners to choose from than his female counterpart and he is less likely to run up against fertility issues the longer he waits to marry. Men also have longer timelines to use women as place setters before "something better comes along" than do women.
I'm not saying that it's impossible for a woman in her late 40's to get married and give birth, my 45 year old bestie just got married this weekend and she's expecting. But that's not the norm for single/never married women in our age demographic and it definitely wasn't the way she planned things to go.
Same age born in the same year. We are 34. When I thought I was doing something in life (career wise) he was doing it both career and investment wise.
Now, everyone wants different things. We both grew up in solid middle class households and we both are desirous of breaking out of that social class.
We are "comfortable" financially wise. I wouldn't advocate for a woman 40+ still holding out to make it to the black middle class if she wants to have children. It isn't impossible, but one has to be realistic. However, when I look at my peers within my various work environments, most who are my age, who got married and settled down in their 20s, have not made it to middle management. However, my first boss for example, was at a senior management level in her late 50s, with one child in college and one in high school. Holding out a bit and taking those risks do pay off. Women who I see in top managerial roles before 40, often do not have children or are unmarried.
34 is young.
How long from meeting your husband and your wedding day? Because what I'm getting at is that the average woman doesn't wake up one day say, I'm going to date for marriage and find herself walking down the aisle, 6-months to a year later. Some women get lucky and the first dude she meets is the one and ready. Most women will date multiple men before they find the right fit and he's on the same page as her. Which is why it makes sense to get the ball rolling as early as possible.
I didn't say not to date. I said settling down early may stunt your career prospects/movements as a woman, which is in line with the article in the OP. Except that it requires you to be single and childless forever which may not be the desire of many.
For Black women who are on a financial and career upward trajectory track, I don’t know why more research/articles don’t consider them hitching wagons to one another.
Two of my very good friends joined up and bought a 4Bd/3Bt house— each has her own room/bath, and they rent out the third. They see the joint home ownership as a path to the next level... and 1 year+ in and it’s been smoother sailing than sharing with a deadbeat/petty/broker dude.
I can see myself doing this.
I read/saw something where Black single mothers were doing this as well— buying a house with a responsible mother with similar values & children in the same age range... seems to work better than shacking up with a dude who earns less than you and all the drama living with a man [(un)married] brings...
I thought you were in your 40s and he is in his 50s talking about older men.
34 is only old to a 20 year old.
Now 48+ is older to me.
I reread and can see why one would think that, I meant getting married earlier vs 21-27. I never actually heard of that concept until this board. My parents always advocated getting married 20+.
The conversation trickled to that but it started with me stating that regarding the article in the OP, it is a route however it is not the only route. If you want to build wealth etc. and have a family, children etc., you should be strategic and imo it means as a woman, it may in many cases mean, using your 20s and early 30s to build you career and accumulate wealth. There isn't a dearth of eligible men post 30 to get married to.
Real talk: I paid my debt off faster and my credit score hit the 800s shortly after we got married and before our careers took off.
But we waited 7 years before we had kids and that was by design. We had savings, learned a LOT about child-rearing, made plans, and established ourselves in our careers including choosing jobs that were extremely kid-friendly. We not rich but doing well. We both got promoted twice after we had the first baby DESPITE being off A LOT with her. I think--being established in our jobs, it was easy to transition to parenthood and then plan for the 2nd. We could be making way more in the private sector, but in our particular fields, where we are makes family possible while not hindering career goals.
There is a middle ground. I'm in travel groups where black couples and black families travel far and pretty regularly. And we not talking about lawyers and doctors. They regular degular folk.
And for those who really want to get married...they need to be aware of that. I feel some kind of way about people who tell you to do one thing, while doing something else or benefitting from the status quo. Like when they told people they don't need to shower regularly or floss with all kinds of research saying doing so is a waste of time. I was like, nah son....floss daily and do it right. Shower daily...get clean. Emphasis on...do it right....how it works for you. Like what just posted up thread.
For those who want to get married...do what YOU want. You can plan your babies. Time it, save. Marriage and motherhood ain't easy, but we ain't all skrugglin like that. I want everyone to live their best life...really. But research, research. Idk where I'm going but just sayin.
Women....actually MEN really need to re-think parenthood when separating. I'm not silly, I know DH and I could divorce for whatever reason or I could leave this earth. I told him he need to be just as good at child-rearing as me. I don't want to clean him out with child support. He is a good dad and getting better with the domestic stuff. But he already knows I want 50-50 custody cause me getting a little extra money by keeping the kids like an 80/20 ain't a huge help. He can fight traffic in the school zones. He can be up at 2 AM with the sick kids and keep his lil child support. I'll be forging a relationship with a new boo on the days the babies are with dad. I'm not trying to be superwoman. I already am, but in 2019 men can do it too. We have to teach them and demand it. The point is...TIME is money as well. Black women who are single parents not only suffer through lack of funds but lack of time. Her having 50-50 custody may make it easier for her to work more hours or overtime, or less day care expense, or go on a much-needed girls trip. We have to re-think divorces and custody. You can leverage that loss of income other ways by re-thinking what we value. And we need to value ourselves to more than "how much child support we can get." You'll have a less resentful and more compliant co-parent. JMH(and hopeful)opinion.