queenspence
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Advice for a mind-wandering dh
- Thread starter queenspence
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StrawberryQueen
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I think you're right and this man is sick in the head and sounds like a pedophile. I don't know how much time you spend around the two of them, but keep your kids and any other kinds you see AWAY FROM HIM. He sounds like he could be very dangerous.
Aside from therapy (clinical and religious) I dont' have any other advice. I don't want to tell her to get a divorce, but if it's tearing her to pieces, and the man is a potential sexual predator against children (and you never know, maybe their own children)...well, she needs to think and pray what is best for her soul and the sake of her family. Things will be much worse if he catches a charge and goes to jail, or she catches in him the act.
Question, it sounds like he's been like this for awhile, why did she marry him?
Another question: what role does he play in the church? What was he doing at a youth group to begin with?
Has he ever abused/molested/raped anyone? Or been accused? Do you suspect?
Aside from therapy (clinical and religious) I dont' have any other advice. I don't want to tell her to get a divorce, but if it's tearing her to pieces, and the man is a potential sexual predator against children (and you never know, maybe their own children)...well, she needs to think and pray what is best for her soul and the sake of her family. Things will be much worse if he catches a charge and goes to jail, or she catches in him the act.
Question, it sounds like he's been like this for awhile, why did she marry him?
Another question: what role does he play in the church? What was he doing at a youth group to begin with?
Has he ever abused/molested/raped anyone? Or been accused? Do you suspect?
stinastina
New Member
StrawberryQueen said:
I agree with everything you say. Sometimes people think they can hide behind the church and being saved. I know a minister who cheats as much as he can on his wife because he knows he is not perfect and will be forgiven.
pjrndon
New Member
Please give this website to your friend libertysavard.com. This is a Q&A letter from her website.
ANSWER TO CRY FOR FREEDOM FROM TEMPTATION AND SINFUL THOUGHTS
ANSWER TO CRY FOR FREEDOM FROM TEMPTATION AND SINFUL THOUGHTS
I need to be delivered from lust, adulterous thoughts, depression, fear and financial bondage. I've been struggling in these areas for years and I want to be free. I want to serve God and do right, but it seems like something just won't let me.
These thoughts come from deep unmet needs and unhealed hurts, as well as from your confusion and anger over why the needs have never been met and why the hurts were inflicted in the first place. Your unsurrendered soul is afraid of what God might do if it allows you to let Him into every area it is guarding. It is the something that just won't let you.
I'm out of fellowship with God right now. I want to know what his will is for my life, but I just can't hear his voice. I want to walk in the Spirit and live a victorious life, but I can't get past these strongholds. I have a problem trying to pray and get into the word of God. I don't want to continue on like this. I really need to be delivered and set free.
"T," you are both opposing receiving this freedom and crying out for it at the same time. No wonder you feel helpless and hopeless! But you have help being offered to you by Christ himself-you just have not understood that you were blocking your own receiving of this help. You can hope that you will be free!
I've had so many prophetic words spoken over my life and the calling of God on it. Why can't I start fulfilling the prophecies? If God called me into the ministry, why does it seems like I'm in total despair (financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc.). I want to do the will of God, but I'm weak in my spirit.
Good news, "T," your born-again spirit is just fine! It is the scrambling around and blocking of spiritual input by your own soul that is causing you to feel weak. God has a plan, has always had a plan-He's just had a problem getting you to make room to receive it. This means you have to stop trying to create your own plans to get free from your needs and pain.
If you can help me in any way please contact me.
I can help you by showing you the keys of the Kingdom that Christ left for you to use to get your soul out of the way of all the breakthroughs you need with God-as well as showing you how to close the doors and keep Satan from making your situations worse. The choice is up to you!
Now, let's get down to where the rubber meets the road. Do you really want to be free? If you do, you need to understand certain facts about yourself so you will know how to allow God to help you get free. Every human being is created body, soul, and spirit. Your body is the natural part of you that relates to the natural world around you. Your body (or physical flesh) relates to its environment through your five senses of taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing. Your body (flesh) is incapable of making intellectual and/or moral decisions, it only responds or reacts or "follows" what appears to be in control of your life. Your body is meant to be strictly a physical "vehicle" that contains and transports your spirit and soul from place to place in the natural realm. It is "led" or directed by either your unsurrendered soul or your born-again spirit. If your soul rebels against or abandons its responsibility to hear from God's Spirit (through your spirit) in order to obey His commands, then your physical body will look for external forms of gratification and stimulation to pursue.
If you are a born-again Christian, your human spirit has been reunited with the Holy Spirit of Christ and the Father. The God-intended human spirit-to-Holy Spirit union for mankind was broken when Adam and Eve first sinned in the Garden of Eden. Every human being born since then has been humanly birthed with a spirit that was basically "orphaned," or cut off from communion from the Spirit of the God. Everything that Jesus Christ wants you to know-all of His guidance, revelation, direction, help, empowerment, assurance, encouragement-is communicated into your spirit from His Spirit. The born-again, regenerated human spirit will then attempt to communicate this information through your unrenewed, unsurrendered soul (your mind, will, and emotions).
From your natural birth on, certain things were supposed to be imparted to you by your human parents: love, nurturing, security, acceptance, mercy, grace, spiritual teaching, natural teaching, gender identity, concepts, principles, etc. When any of these Divinely-planned human/parental impartations did not occur (they are like building blocks going into creating a "whole" you), a "hole" occurred in the forming of the foundation of your character and personality (the inner parts of your soul).
You, then, are left to face life with a weakened sense of identity, little security, and a diminished sense of strength to face life's situations. These "holes" are the unmet needs, unhealed hurts, and unresolved issues eating away at the deepest recesses of your human soul. They are also like toxic waste pits that become the receptacles of corrosive, toxic thinking such as unforgiveness, anger, self-hatred, bitterness, fear, doubt, etc.
God never intended for us to blame our parents or other authority figures who did not impart these perfect building blocks to us as we were growing up. Our imperfect parents, and other imperfect authority figures who have passed through our lives at various times of our growth, have also been the "victims" of their own imperfect parents and imperfect authority figures who passed through their lives. And imperfect people passed through those imperfect peoples' lives, etc., etc., etc. To try to find out who we should be able to blame for why we are the way we are would mean that we needed to go clear back to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and place the blame where it originally started. That is not very effective in helping to fix you and me today. So, finding someone to blame for our wounds and needs is not the answer. The world thinks it is, but God says it isn't. Who are you going to choose to believe?
As we try to cope with life, we learn (through various means) that there are certain ungodly, even destructive behaviors that can seem to temporarily "take away" the pain, the neediness, the pressure, the fear, etc. Unfortunately, potentially destructive, temporary relief can seem preferable to the pain and terror that comes when you fear there is no hope of relief at all. This is why some people turn to alcohol, drugs, homosexual behavior, and destructive behaviors that they know may ultimately destroy them. They learn that these behaviors dull the frightening needs and powerful drives within them at least for a short while.
Why doesn't God fix these areas? Especially when you ask for Him to do so? Because during your life you have learned to protect your wrong behavioral systems that make up your self-protective devices. You do this because you think that it may be your only defense against further pain in your soul. Even though these self-defended wrong behaviors don't permanently fix your inner turmoil, they can appear to help you cope momentarily with your pain and your need.
These self-protection "devices" are mental rationalizations and justifications to excuse the self-destructive actions you find yourself unable to stop. This is exactly what self-constructed strongholds are-mental rationalizations and justifications of wrong choices and wrong actions and wrong reactions that have been turned to so many times, they become addictive. They become things in your life that you do not know how to change. God wants to help you tear all of that down so He can come into the inner self-defense chambers of your soul and heal and deliver and free you permanently.
But He will not force His way into these defenses that you have built up to try to protect yourself from further pain. You must dismantle those self-constructed defenses ("strongholds") yourself. You constructed them-you must deconstruct them. God will not deconstruct that which your will chooses to build. But, here's the good news! There are divinely empowered, spiritual prayer keys to help you do it. These "keys" are found in Matthew 16:19. Jesus said, "I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven" (KJV). The directive to do this is found in 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds . . . We (can) demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we (can) take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (NIV).
Now, let's get down to where the rubber meets the road. Do you really want to be free? If you do, you need to understand certain facts about yourself so you will know how to allow God to help you get free. Every human being is created body, soul, and spirit. Your body is the natural part of you that relates to the natural world around you. Your body (or physical flesh) relates to its environment through your five senses of taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing. Your body (flesh) is incapable of making intellectual and/or moral decisions, it only responds or reacts or "follows" what appears to be in control of your life. Your body is meant to be strictly a physical "vehicle" that contains and transports your spirit and soul from place to place in the natural realm. It is "led" or directed by either your unsurrendered soul or your born-again spirit. If your soul rebels against or abandons its responsibility to hear from God's Spirit (through your spirit) in order to obey His commands, then your physical body will look for external forms of gratification and stimulation to pursue.
If you are a born-again Christian, your human spirit has been reunited with the Holy Spirit of Christ and the Father. The God-intended human spirit-to-Holy Spirit union for mankind was broken when Adam and Eve first sinned in the Garden of Eden. Every human being born since then has been humanly birthed with a spirit that was basically "orphaned," or cut off from communion from the Spirit of the God. Everything that Jesus Christ wants you to know-all of His guidance, revelation, direction, help, empowerment, assurance, encouragement-is communicated into your spirit from His Spirit. The born-again, regenerated human spirit will then attempt to communicate this information through your unrenewed, unsurrendered soul (your mind, will, and emotions).
From your natural birth on, certain things were supposed to be imparted to you by your human parents: love, nurturing, security, acceptance, mercy, grace, spiritual teaching, natural teaching, gender identity, concepts, principles, etc. When any of these Divinely-planned human/parental impartations did not occur (they are like building blocks going into creating a "whole" you), a "hole" occurred in the forming of the foundation of your character and personality (the inner parts of your soul).
You, then, are left to face life with a weakened sense of identity, little security, and a diminished sense of strength to face life's situations. These "holes" are the unmet needs, unhealed hurts, and unresolved issues eating away at the deepest recesses of your human soul. They are also like toxic waste pits that become the receptacles of corrosive, toxic thinking such as unforgiveness, anger, self-hatred, bitterness, fear, doubt, etc.
God never intended for us to blame our parents or other authority figures who did not impart these perfect building blocks to us as we were growing up. Our imperfect parents, and other imperfect authority figures who have passed through our lives at various times of our growth, have also been the "victims" of their own imperfect parents and imperfect authority figures who passed through their lives. And imperfect people passed through those imperfect peoples' lives, etc., etc., etc. To try to find out who we should be able to blame for why we are the way we are would mean that we needed to go clear back to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and place the blame where it originally started. That is not very effective in helping to fix you and me today. So, finding someone to blame for our wounds and needs is not the answer. The world thinks it is, but God says it isn't. Who are you going to choose to believe?
As we try to cope with life, we learn (through various means) that there are certain ungodly, even destructive behaviors that can seem to temporarily "take away" the pain, the neediness, the pressure, the fear, etc. Unfortunately, potentially destructive, temporary relief can seem preferable to the pain and terror that comes when you fear there is no hope of relief at all. This is why some people turn to alcohol, drugs, homosexual behavior, and destructive behaviors that they know may ultimately destroy them. They learn that these behaviors dull the frightening needs and powerful drives within them at least for a short while.
Why doesn't God fix these areas? Especially when you ask for Him to do so? Because during your life you have learned to protect your wrong behavioral systems that make up your self-protective devices. You do this because you think that it may be your only defense against further pain in your soul. Even though these self-defended wrong behaviors don't permanently fix your inner turmoil, they can appear to help you cope momentarily with your pain and your need.
These self-protection "devices" are mental rationalizations and justifications to excuse the self-destructive actions you find yourself unable to stop. This is exactly what self-constructed strongholds are-mental rationalizations and justifications of wrong choices and wrong actions and wrong reactions that have been turned to so many times, they become addictive. They become things in your life that you do not know how to change. God wants to help you tear all of that down so He can come into the inner self-defense chambers of your soul and heal and deliver and free you permanently.
But He will not force His way into these defenses that you have built up to try to protect yourself from further pain. You must dismantle those self-constructed defenses ("strongholds") yourself. You constructed them-you must deconstruct them. God will not deconstruct that which your will chooses to build. But, here's the good news! There are divinely empowered, spiritual prayer keys to help you do it. These "keys" are found in Matthew 16:19. Jesus said, "I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven" (KJV). The directive to do this is found in 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds . . . We (can) demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we (can) take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (NIV).
He needs counseling for sexual addiction. I would not be surprised if he is involved with pornography in some form or another.
This is not a game and he needs serious intervention and active prayer. Active meaning, that prayer and taking serious action and steps to counsel this man. He is far out of control and he does NOT belong with a youth group or any other children.
He needs the strong counsel of mature men (in and out of Church) and a good 'kick' in his behind to get his attention that this is NOT a game.
This is not a game and he needs serious intervention and active prayer. Active meaning, that prayer and taking serious action and steps to counsel this man. He is far out of control and he does NOT belong with a youth group or any other children.
He needs the strong counsel of mature men (in and out of Church) and a good 'kick' in his behind to get his attention that this is NOT a game.
queenspence
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queenspence
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While its true that all (most) men are visually stimulated, not all (most) men have sexual addictions. An addiction is one's thought life which has gone out of control; the normal realm. The person has already 'acted' out these acts within their 'souls' and because it's so deep, it eventually becomes a reality to them and the behaviour is acted out physically.queenspence said:
How many times have we heard about 'men', pastors, and youth members in Churches, fathers with daughters, and even female teachers with young students who have been sexually active with them. They've allowed their thought lives to go 'unchecked'; they have placed no restraints upon their thoughts, no conscience, no convictions, and they give themselves 'permission' to 'act' upon their uncontrolled thoughts.
In this life, everything we do, begins with a thought. Thoughts (good or bad) that have an 'appeal' to our 'flesh' get fed and nurtured and 'life' is given to the thoughts when left unchecked.
(My personal weakness is chocolate and Starbucks coffee ice cream. I'm serious. It's become a part of me...the thoughts of it...where I automatically indulge myself with or without thought, for the initial thoughts have been made a part of me to make these desires seem natural. Yet, my 30 lbs overweight says otherwise).
The above post from "pjrndon" who shared the www.libertysavard.com website is an excellent resource to begin with.
The most dangerous explanation for sexual addictions is "all men have this problem", when in truth they do not. Not all men are out of control.
One last thing. You shared this man is one of the nicest persons. It's this same gentle person who 'gently' pursuades a young girl (or boy) into having sex with him. They can't use a rough approach, otherwise it defeats their purpose. It has to be a gentle pursuasion to lure the child into a 'false security' and to also pursuade the child to feel safe not to tell on him.
It's pretty scarey. But it has to be dealt with with professional counsel. And we cannot rely on the sole counsel of the Church with sexual addictions. The world has a bigger handle on this as they will not 'hide' from the truth as the Church does because of 'shame'.
We need to combat this addiction from both sides 'spiritual and secular' intervention to get to the root of this and destroy it completely.
When my son was on drugs, it was my prayers and the word of God that got him delivered. BUT God used the 'unchurched' men who were former addicts to keep my son in line; for they did not hedge around my son's addiction, they cut him from the roots of it with the raw and hard methods of making him face his reasons for the addiction giving him no excuses to hid behind. These unchurched men 'knew' the real deal and dealt with it. Nothing was 'left' hidden. They dug my son out from hiding and exposed all of him and made him face up to the entire reality and deal with it.
Blessings to you for being such a wonderful friend.
StrawberryQueen
Well-Known Member
Exactly. This "man" is trying to justify his actions my making it into a "boys will be boys" kind of situation. There are plenty of men who do no pratice sexual immorality (in the past, or present). He's trying to pass off his own sin onto others. He sounds dangerous.Shimmie said:
And he's talking about grandmothers and how sexy they look, and then about little girls?
Sexual pervert, and he needs "help." Personally, I don't think sexual deviants can be helped, but since he hasn't (to our knowledge) victimized anyone, maybe he can helped. If he accepts help, which doesn't sound likely. He doesn't even have ownership of his faults!
I feel sorry for the both of them.
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