Please doesn't quote this.
All of my struggles stem from loneliness.
When I was eight I found out I was adopted. I didn't react outwardly, but deep down I thought I was worthless because my biological parents didn't want me. And while I've grown to love my adoptive parents I felt neglected as a child because I didn't receive that type of affection that I wanted. I would see my friends and I would see movies of parents kissing and cuddling their children. And I was raised in a family that didn't touch.
One the other hand in school I was picked on non-stop by my peers and the teachers. The teachers would call me stupid in front of the class and the kids would call me fat and stupid. There were two moments that hurt me the most. One was in art class. We had to draw a picture and you had to guess what it was. So, I drew a picture of a toilet and paper and the answer was toiler paper. This boy, drew a picture of someone who was overweight and a sewing needle and the answer was fatso and my name was in parentheses. The other was Valentine's Day and we would exchange Valentine's Day cards. And I would hand one out to everyone with candy attached, because by then I had become a people pleaser because I just wanted someone to acknowledge that I existed, but I never got any cards. So, one year a girl gave me a card and I was so excited. I opened it and on the back it read 'Roses are red, Violets are blue, I think you're fat and ugly and I hope you die too.' And I looked up and the entire class was laughing at me and the teacher didn't do anything. I remember going home and eating and I felt so much better. And that started the pattern of eating every time I felt bad about myself, because I wouldn't allow myself to cry.
All that happened in elementary school. By the time I got to middle school I started to develop, I had breast and a butt and the other girls didn't. And at that age boy are going into puberty and they started grabbing on me. I didn't like it because I felt violated, but at the same time I felt validated because people were paying attention to me. So, I just let them grab on me because I loved the attention I was getting. And during that time I developed depression. And that's around the time that I started masturbating and reading and writing erotica. I would developed these elaborate fantasies of men who loved me and they would make me feel so special.
When I got in high school I wanted a boyfriend like everyone else. And people would tell me you have a pretty face, but you're fat, and no one wants a fatty as a girlfriend. And that started the cycle of binging, purging, and restriction. And after a while I withdrew from everyone. I was mad at God. I would constantly ask Him why He hated me so much. I asked Him is He was amused by my suffering. And I remember praying and asking Him to kill me. I figured what's the point of living if no one wants me here. I remember one day asking my mother why she never told me she loved me. And her response was the world doesn't revolved around you. Soon after I met two girls who practice witchcraft. And so I started practicing witchcraft too. Not because, I believed it, but because I finally had people who acknowledged me. At the same time I was still going to church because I was hoping that He would do something to let me know it would be okay and He never did. Then I started questioning if He even existed.
When I got to college I thought that I could start over. No one knew who I was and I could create a new persona. I ended up with a roommate that I didn't care for but, she introduced me to porn. She watched a lot of lesbian porn. I wasn't interested in seeing two women have sex, so I went online to see if I could find something that I liked. I found certain actors that I liked and I would search for everything that those actors had been in. And I would watch these moves and I would pretend that I was the female and he was my husband and we had this fabulous life. But, I still felt lonely and rejected and worthless. And the porn that I was watching wasn't doing the job anymore. And so the porn I watched got more and more raunchy.
My junior year I ended up having a roommate that was newly saved. At that time I had stopped going to church because I never felt moved by songs or the word. And she would tell me I was going to hell because I didn't attend church regularly like a good Christian should. I ended up resenting her and ignoring her all together.
One day I was flipping though the channels and came across Joel Osteen. I watched his sermon and I liked how he delivered the message. And I started looking forward to watching his sermon every Sunday. And then he released a book called 'Your Best Life Now.' I read it and the one thing that stood out to me was when he said that we need to realize that we are worthy of God's love, even if man has rejected us He hasn't. And he suggested that we get up each morning and tell ourselves that we are worthy of God's love and blessing. And after a week of doing that people started treating me differently and I felt better about myself. That lasted for three months and sadly I fell back into depression and started doing the things that I was doing before.
I eventually started going back to church. And every time I went I felt guilty. I would go home and delete my porn collection. Then I would regret deleting it and I would spend hours re-downloading everything. At the time I didn't realize that was the Holy Spirit telling me that they were not happy with what I was doing. But, that cycle went on for a while. I eventually deleted everything and prayed that I wouldn't watch anymore porn. I've had slip ups and ever so often if I'm tired and worn down the devil with slip vivid images of the porn I used to watch into my mind. But, I reject them immediately.
I no longer suffer from depression, I still have days were I feel lonely. But, I tell myself that God loves me, even if humanity doesn't. I also read Joyce Meyer "Battlefield on the Mind.' And that explained further how the devil will try to sneak in through openings if we leave them.
I stopped bending over backwards so people would like me. I voice my opinion, I don't let people tell me who I am. And now when I wake up in the morning I thank God for waking me up, because that mean He's given me another chance. I think that we can be healed completely. I'm working on it.
One thing I can say is that gigantic void that use to be in my spirit has shrunk. It still there someone what, but it's small enough that it doesn't hurt my heart like it use too. There were nights were I would be asleep and my soul would cry, I would wake up crying. I was plagued with nightmares and sleep paralysis from elementary school up through college. One of the best moments that I had on my journey was a couple weeks ago. I woke up laughing.
, I'm excited about what the Lord has done and what he continues to do but timing is everything I don't share cause I can but when I'm lead to...God has brought me from a mighty might long way and I choose to be chosen there is no turning back for me...
