I need Advice, I want to become celibate....

[LadyAmani]

but its so hard for me. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and we just had a baby girl in October. I truly want to be a better person for my daughter, myself, and God. However everytime i get on track a couple months later i fall off, and its not just me my boyfriend wants to stop also. We can go months without having sex and its like tension builds up and we have sex again . We really do truly love each other thats why were trying to stop but its hard when you really love someone and you expierenced that connection with them and Im tired of confessing to god and apologizing then i end up messing up again its not right. How many times will he forgive me? im not asking that im just saying maybe he'll give up on me or something. So can you guys give my boyfriend and i some advice, we really need help.

 

[aribell]

Do you all live together? And are you planning to get married soon?

 

[loolalooh]

I'm sure others will chime in soon. I can understand your frustration, and the best advice I can offer is to attempt to remove any forms of temptation. Temptation will open the door to slipping up.

This is easier to do if you both do not live together. For example, you can agree to sleep in your own homes and spend more time in public together than in private. Evening/night time is usually harder on the couple so in a case like that, you'd fair better being out (e.g., dinner at a restaurant instead of in the privacy of your home just the two of you) OR with other people (e.g., dinner with another couple).

Living together is a whole other story. Do you mind me asking if you two live apart?

 

[LadyAmani]

We do not live together and yes we do plan on getting married soon right now we are saving up for a wedding and a home. Right now we're both in school full time, working only part time and have bills to pay. So we are getting there but i dont want to rush into a marriage to solve my problem i really want to show god i can stop having sex.

 

[ladykaya]

As someone who has only had sex with my husband. Thank God because it was some sex before the marriage with us...anyway I know what you mean for it to be hard to fight your urges. As a previous poster said that you should try doing more public activities and limit your private time to something less in the mood. As you stated you did have a child with the man so that you may want to do more family activities. Find the love with him not only as your soon to be husband but as the wonderful father, protector, listener, and friend.
But if both you and you boyfriend have no fears about one another, (this sounds bad coming from an event planner) but weddings are over rated. Small simple ceremonies are what keeps the family close and more personal. You can always have a grand reception when you can afford it. Like they say its the people's wedding but its your marriage.

 

[Renovating]

We do not live together and yes we do plan on getting married soon right now we are saving up for a wedding and a home. Right now we're both in school full time, working only part time and have bills to pay. So we are getting there but i dont want to rush into a marriage to solve my problem i really want to show god i can stop having sex.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I agree with the others about removing temptation. Since you all do not live together , it may be easier to resist if you limit your time alone. Maybe you can have more dates in public.


Choosing God's Best is a book that provides more tips on remaining celibate too.

 

[Southernbella.]

My advice? Only spend time alone in public places. Don't spend the night at eachother's homes. Don't lay around in bed together. Don't talk about sex. Don't watch movies with sex in them or listen to songs about sex.

It's doable, but it's hard. You have to commit to staying out of tempting situations.

 

[LadyAmani]

Thanks everyone for the advice, im going to stop watching movies with sex in it and listening to songs with sex in it lol thats funny because neighbors know my name is my song right now we dont actually spend that much time alone together with the baby being here but im going to pray about it.

 

[Prudent1]

Great advice from all. Take things one day at a time. You have bonded with this man in the most significant way and then you have a child together. Things did not get that way overnight, they may not stop overnight. Have you read the abstinance thread here in the CF? It has a lot of good food for thought and support.
Here is a link:
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=55721

 

[phynestone]

^^^^^^So glad you suggested that.

I had a hard time remaining celibate with my ex and I flip-flopped a lot on that issue. Don't do that! You have made your decision, now stick to it! You can do it! Have you thought about having an accountability partner?

 

[F8THINHIM]

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials and your desire to be celibate. You have gotten great advice here! I just wanted to chime in and add that God will not stop forgiving you when you fall. He knows your heart and thankfully He knows that we are but flesh. I will add that as I am celibate (16 yrs) I just continue to submit my sexuality to the Lord in prayer. He knows the desire, and I acknowledge it to Him. I also confess that I want to wait and do things His way. He may place a scripture in my heart that will speak to the nature of the need I feel that sex would fulfill. It also takes a lot of planning and you have to be focused. The Lord will guide you.
Many Blessings!

 

[Bunny77]

When is the marriage date?

I'm just wondering how long you are planning to do this. Granted, I support your goal to remain celibate, but you and this man have been together four years and have a child together. You obviously need to spend a LOT of time around each other because you have a child, so you need to be at each other's homes and all that.

While I don't believe in marrying JUST to have sex, at this point, I don't see why you don't go ahead and get a marriage license and start living as a family that includes husband, wife and child. Just as celibacy is honorable to God, so is marriage. You two need to set a good example for your daughter and begin living as a couple united under the blessing of the Lord, not as boyfriend and girlfriend.

God does not care about saving up for a wedding. Saving for a home is a wonderful idea, but you two can live in an apartment as a married couple while you continue to save for a home. Neither goal stops you from marrying right now.

 

[Guitarhero]

but its so hard for me. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and we just had a baby girl in October. I truly want to be a better person for my daughter, myself, and God. However everytime i get on track a couple months later i fall off, and its not just me my boyfriend wants to stop also. We can go months without having sex and its like tension builds up and we have sex again . We really do truly love each other thats why were trying to stop but its hard when you really love someone and you expierenced that connection with them and Im tired of confessing to god and apologizing then i end up messing up again its not right. How many times will he forgive me? im not asking that im just saying maybe he'll give up on me or something. So can you guys give my boyfriend and i some advice, we really need help.

Will he marry you? I agree with Bunny77. If the relationship is good and you two are consenting fully to marriage, you can get a license. If that's not religiously possible, then go and talk to a pastor and tell them about this situation. You need to be under a good pastorship. He can even marry you and you can have your reception sometime down the road when there's money for it.

 

[Prudent1]

When is the marriage date?

I'm just wondering how long you are planning to do this. Granted, I support your goal to remain celibate, but you and this man have been together four years and have a child together. You obviously need to spend a LOT of time around each other because you have a child, so you need to be at each other's homes and all that.

While I don't believe in marrying JUST to have sex, at this point, I don't see why you don't go ahead and get a marriage license and start living as a family that includes husband, wife and child. Just as celibacy is honorable to God, so is marriage. You two need to set a good example for your daughter and begin living as a couple united under the blessing of the Lord, not as boyfriend and girlfriend.

God does not care about saving up for a wedding. Saving for a home is a wonderful idea, but you two can live in an apartment as a married couple while you continue to save for a home. Neither goal stops you from marrying right now.

ITA with Bunny77. I know this is a very unpopular train of thought now-a days but asking someone who you will be in close contact with, love, are attracted to, enjoy sex with, etc to wait 'X' years b/c of a house or **gasp** the almighty degree or the ever popular sowing wild oats/ me time, does not add up for many ppl. That stuff will still be there even after you say, "I do". Your decision may not look like someone else's. That's ok. You both pray and do what works for you and your family. God gave you those desires and he gave you a vehicle to exercise them in with his blessings. They do it b/c somebody somewhere said once you get married life is sucked from you and you cease to exist as a happy person. This is despite evidence and personal accounts from ppl who have proven that doing marriage God's way works.

 

[Prudent1]

Thanks everyone for the advice, im going to stop watching movies with sex in it and listening to songs with sex in it lol thats funny because neighbors know my name is my song right now we dont actually spend that much time alone together with the baby being here but im going to pray about it.

This is good advice too. There are just some songs I can't listen to, some things I can't watch on TV, conversations I cannot particpate in b/c I'm saved but I'm also still very much alive. Some ppl act like you become saved and walk around singing the halelujah chorus all day. Sometimes you see a man and you're like ver18:. Women aren't supposed to be visual. Some of us are. You have to know you and pray accordingly.
Prov 4:23
23 Above all else, guard your heart,(and eyes, and ears, b/c they are the gateways to your soul) for it is the wellspring of life.

 

[dicapr]

I was going to echo the idea of going to the JP and get married. You can still save for a wedding. My brother and his wife went to the JP. They are planning a wedding for their wedding now.

 

[LongTimeComing]

Another vote for getting married here. Save up for your wedding and have it on your 1 or 2 year anniversary.

 

[mzcris]

but its so hard for me. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and we just had a baby girl in October. I truly want to be a better person for my daughter, myself, and God. However everytime i get on track a couple months later i fall off, and its not just me my boyfriend wants to stop also. We can go months without having sex and its like tension builds up and we have sex again . We really do truly love each other thats why were trying to stop but its hard when you really love someone and you expierenced that connection with them and Im tired of confessing to god and apologizing then i end up messing up again its not right. How many times will he forgive me? im not asking that im just saying maybe he'll give up on me or something. So can you guys give my boyfriend and i some advice, we really need help.

*** Spend time in God's Word daily; when we spend time reading the bible, praying, fasting, attending church...your thought life will change and therefore your behavior will get inline with God's Word***

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

This is good advice too. There are just some songs I can't listen to, some things I can't watch on TV, conversations I cannot particpate in b/c I'm saved but I'm also still very much alive. Some ppl act like you become saved and walk around singing the halelujah chorus all day. Sometimes you see a man and you're like ver18:. Women aren't supposed to be visual. Some of us are. You have to know you and pray accordingly.
Prov 4:23
23 Above all else, guard your heart,(and eyes, and ears, b/c they are the gateways to your soul) for it is the wellspring of life.

Prudent girl you made me shot a few times..Lord knows how I'm a visual like a dude..OP do whats best for you,your child and hubby to be..I know you want to to go about things a certain way but your situation is different..I know how hard it is not to be able to get that good hit.I have been celibate for the last 5 yrs..its hard bc Im 24 but God can do..