Marriage or Soon to Be Ladies...Issues with Submission..

[saved06]

I'm currently in a relationship with SO we have been together for 4 years. I was raised in a single home, so I am not use to male authority. My SO and I are talking about marriage and trying to make sure we are on the same page. The issue came up about finances and sex. For the sex he doesn't want to use condoms because he said "they" put AIDS in condoms. And I said I guess we won't be having sex I'm am in no position to have a child, esp. while I'm accumulating 100,000's debt from medical school. But his response is when God allows it we will have a child, condoms or not. But something didn't sit right with that.
Also, I'm having issues of having to share my income because there are certain things I want to buy (like my hair products lol) and I don't want someone over me asking me about every single purchase. I do know that we become one is everything but that independent side of me keeps rising up. I'm praying for God to help me in this area because all I know is the strength of my Mom and how she held it down. I don't respond well to men telling me what to do And I'm afraid if I don't get help my marriage will be stress.

Any advice lol...I am just a mess right now

 

[Angelicus]

Wow, you two have a lot to talk about. There are a lot of things to be discussed about your posts but let's talk about authority first... not about your SO but with God.

Before I start asking questions, I just want to know if you understand that God is your Father in heaven and in earth.

 

[saved06]

Yes, I understand. I have a relationship with Christ. I've been praying on alot of habits and traits, I've picked up due to my upbringing. Yes, we do have many things to discuss.

Bring it on lol...

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

I'm currently in a relationship with SO we have been together for 4 years. I was raised in a single home, so I am not use to male authority. My SO and I are talking about marriage and trying to make sure we are on the same page. The issue came up about finances and sex. For the sex he doesn't want to use condoms because he said "they" put AIDS in condoms. And I said I guess we won't be having sex I'm am in no position to have a child, esp. while I'm accumulating 100,000's debt from medical school. But his response is when God allows it we will have a child, condoms or not. But something didn't sit right with that.
Also, I'm having issues of having to share my income because there are certain things I want to buy (like my hair products lol) and I don't want someone over me asking me about every single purchase. I do know that we become one is everything but that independent side of me keeps rising up. I'm praying for God to help me in this area because all I know is the strength of my Mom and how she held it down. I don't respond well to men telling me what to do And I'm afraid if I don't get help my marriage will be stress.

Any advice lol...I am just a mess right now

Well, I'm actually no longer married but I can tell you that you need to tell him what you've told us, and fast. HE needs to hear that and you two will def. need to discuss all issues involving how you individually view marital relationships...is it shared, do you have one joint and separate accounts, responsibilities, views on submission? The funny thing is, I don't think other people will be able to tell you what to do about biblical issues of submission...they manifest differently according to culture, upbringing etc. and your understanding/instruction based upon your religious experiences in interpretation of it. There's no absolute way in how it looks. If you're not comfortable with him telling you what to do, them tell him how he makes pre-decisions for you two makes you uncomfortable. You both will have to come to a consensus about everything...and I realize this is not quite possible...life is dynamic! You have my prayers, though. From the way you describe him, he seems like a very good guy.

 

[TrendySocialite]

Finances
That's a very subjective and personal issue but I will say my mom and grandma taught me to ALWAYS have my own money. My mom still has her own checking account that a little of her money goes in, so she can buy stuff she wants without my dad looking at her sideways. So it's up to you if you want to have a joint account, but if you do, I still think you need to maintain an account of your own.

Sex
The Bible says that the wife's body is not hers, but the husbands. But most men seem to forget that in the same sentence it says that the husbands body is not his but the wife's. To me, part of that interpretation is that both have to consent and compromise for the greater good. So if you don't want kids right now, then you need to protect yourself. Paul also talks about the husband loving the wife as Christ loves the church and gave his life for it. To me that means that the husband is not going to do anything to himself that would jeopardize the wife's health or well-being or is really against her wishes.

Do you feel he's using sex and money to control you or the relationship? If you were to get pregnant soon after marraige are you expected to stop what you're doing to take care of the baby?

It seems that you two have challenges with the two major areas of tension in most marriages. If this were me, it would raise some flags and certainly create some serious need for conversation.

I pray you get the answers you seek and that you have peace when all is said and done.

 

[momi]

I would suggest you do what my husband and I had to do after a few years of marriage.

We wiped the slate clean of any pre-concieved ideas or un-spoken expectations and searched God's word for his outline on marriage and relationships.

 

[MA2010]

Before you submit to your husband you must first submit to Christ!!! This was my stumbling block. I thought I could just lead and my husband would follow .

I had a huge problem with submitting to my husband and letting him be my HEAD until I read this scripture.
1 Corinthians 11:3

Another great scripture to follow is 1 Corinthians 7: 2-5

I have chose to fully commit myself to God's will when it comes to conceiving. No contraception; just prayer, love, and faith that God already knows what he wants for my life and when .

HTH!

 

[AfroKink]

Are you guys celibate now? You should both be tested for HIV before you begin having sex. Although people don't like to talk about it and condom use in marriage is a strange topic... most women that contract HIV these days are getting it from their husbands. I'm also a medical student. The burden of $250,000+ debt upon graduation is no joke. If you're more concerned about children than HIV have a talk with your SO about your goals and desires for life and your family. You can always use a different form of contraception. Personally I think something is up, I doubt he truly believes AIDS is in condoms. Have a talk with him about his fears, worries, and desires.

You dont have to submit yourself to danger

 

[Ladybelle]

hey op! I have been married for 2 1/2 years and I can honestly say, the first year I spent a lot of time learning how to submit to dh.

I was independent & was raised to be that way, my dad taught me to always be able to stand on my own two feet & to NEVER depend on a man. The irony in his raising me is that it somewhat contradicted how he ran HIS house, he made it crystal clear he was the man of the house and was the final authority on how things went.

Anyhows, I prayed about it & studied it out for myself. Another poster touched on this, but you cannot ever submit yourself to DH until you choose first to submit to God.

After I learned that, I decided - I'm going to committ to how God says things should be done. In submitting to Christ it became much easier to submit to DH because he showed me some key things:

1) In submitting to a man, the man must also be a man of God who chooses to hear from God.

2) God holds your husband accountable for his decisions. There is a scripture in the bible that says "a man blocks his own blessings if he does not treat his wife well." So, in submitting to God, i can trust that he will handle dh if he doesn't do what he's supposed to do. When i disagree with DH on anything, I pray about it. It's always worked out well because God will deal with dh in a way that I can't.

3) Trust- is so important. You gotta trust that God is faithful to those who love him so he won't stand by and let you be done wrong and you also gotta trust that your future DH has your best interest at heart even when you think he is making a bad decision.


So, i pretty much submit to my husband. But, one thing about that is the bible tells us that submission goes both ways. Husband & wives submit themselves to one another. It's not one-sided. The husband is to lead, but he is to also take into consideration the needs & desires of his wife. You and he should be able to come to an agreement on how you will handle financial affairs & family planning.

My dh is okay with me having a seperate account in addition to our joint account.He doesn't have a seperate account because he doesn't want one.

We also have agreed mutually that any other children we have will be planned. I'm not on birth control, but use natural birth control (FAM) and it's working for us.

You and he should be able to sit down together and come to an agreement and willingly consider each others feelings.

HTH.

 

[Shimmie]

Did he actually say, "AIDs is in condoms..."? Well, in the sense of the AIDs virus is literally inside of a condom.

OR

Does he mean that the use of condoms reflects that one has AIDs? I can see how he may think that the use of condoms may reflect or suggest that one has AIDs or HIV.

Of course neither theory makes any sense, because neither are true; especially the former theory. AIDs is not in condoms, unless it's a used one by someone who has the disease.

Anyway, enough of that for now.

In marriage you are going to be sharing your life with your husband and he is sharing his life with you. The two of you become one. What his is yours and what's yours is his.

I used to have these same 'feelings' as well, because I've been independent for so long and when my sweetheart started to talk about marriage, I started to 'panic' about losing my independence.

We have absolutely no disagreements with sex and babies. Neither of us want more children. We're both in total agreement with that and the measures to prevent it with or without condoms.

However, I have other things in my life that I hold dear and I feared having to give them up such as Dancing and all that it entails. But he has things in his life that he holds dear as well. And who doesn't? We all have lives before marriage. But in marriage we make a new life together as one.

As for finances, that does not have to be an issue. We both agree on saving more than spending. It's about making a joint priority and then allowing each other to have an individual budget to enjoy their hobbies, special treats, etc.

Nice and Wavy and her husband have a wonderful Marriage Ministry and have wonderful counsel for couples. Send her a PM, also invite her into this thread. For whatever she shares can help others with these issues as well. She is a blessing and has taught me much.

I also started a thread several months ago where many of the marriage women on this forum gave me excellent advice and truly put my 'fears' and concerns to rest.

I have to look for the thread and then I'll post the link for you and bump it up as well for others to view.

It's about both of you coming together as one... Spirit , Soul, Body, and forsaking your SELVES, surrendering all unto the Lord.

You'll be okay. It really does work out. It really does. I wish you and your future husband all of God's best. :Rose:

 

[Shimmie]

Here's the thread with wonderful advise and support from the beautiful wives on our forum. Who better to advise us? I am very thankful to each one of them. :Rose:

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=313339

 

[Laela]

Truly great -- and practical -- advice!

I would suggest you do what my husband and I had to do after a few years of marriage.

We wiped the slate clean of any pre-concieved ideas or un-spoken expectations and searched God's word for his outline on marriage and relationships.

 

[Prudent1]

Amen!! ITA with asuperwoman's posts. We have been deceived in this very important area. Biblical marriage is the number one example for humans of how Jesus feels towards his bride- the church. If marriages can be desecrated entire societies will perish. Most women who have a loving committed, caring, husband who loves God with his whole heart, provides for her, protects her, and is the biblical head of their home would not have a problem following that kind of man. God made us equal but we have different roles to carry out. Likewise, my eyes don’t do the job of my arms but they are of equal importance. Keep praying. Be very honest with God about how you feel. Remember we are called to submit our bodies as living sacrifices unto God- that means our reproductive organs too (1 Cor. 6:19-20). Now don’t panic!! God knows us individually. He knows some of us can't handle/ don’t want more than one, two, kids. That said- it is he who opens and closes a womb and breathes the breath of life into us. It would not be an act of love for God to give a couple who were living their lives in submission to him and who asked him not too a ‘van load’ of kids (BTW- FAM works w/o chemical side- effects). Make sure you are receiving advice from wise people with proven track records (Proverbs 11:14; 12:15; 15:22; 19:20). In the same way that you wouldn’t take advice about your educational future from someone who has no ambition, neither should you take relationship advice from just anyone (regardless to how long you’ve known them, if they are a dear relative, etc.). We have to trust God with our reproduction too. Ok lemme get off of my podium… There are 3 areas couples need to be one and the same page with before saying “I do…” 1. Finances (budget is not a bad word- www.daveramsey.com and www.crown.org) 2. Children (how many, when, disciplined how?) 3. Religion/ Spiritual relationships. I am passionate about Godly marriages. I want you and your SO to be happy and to begin with the end in mind .
Here are some links to messages/ resources who do an excellent job on teaching what submission really means.
HTH,
Prudent1

Voddie Baucham Ministries: http://www.voddiebaucham.org/vbm/home.html
He also did an excellent series called ‘Marriage by Design’ available at www.northpoint.org.

Read Joyce Meyer’s book- Making Marriage Work
https://shop.joycemeyer.org/estore/Search.aspx?CurrentPage=1

Watch the movie titled Not Easily Broken. They have a coupon for $3.00 off.
http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/noteasilybroken/

Pastor Creflo Dollar’s book titled- The Successful Family- Everything you need to know to build a stronger family.
https://ww2.micahtek.com/nexolive/nShop_Store.cfm?CFID=20665302&CFTOKEN=80256307

Mars Hill Church series on ‘The Peasant Princess’, ‘Redeeming Ruth’, and ‘Proverbs’.
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/sermons

Focus on the Family has a lot of good info too
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage.aspx

 

[Ladybelle]

Amen!! ITA with asuperwoman's posts. We have been deceived in this very important area. Biblical marriage is the number one example for humans of how Jesus feels towards his bride- the church. If marriages can be desecrated entire societies will perish. Most women who have a loving committed, caring, husband who loves God with his whole heart, provides for her, protects her, and is the biblical head of their home would not have a problem following that kind of man. God made us equal but we have different roles to carry out. Likewise, my eyes don’t do the job of my arms but they are of equal importance. Keep praying. Be very honest with God about how you feel. Remember we are called to submit our bodies as living sacrifices unto God- that means our reproductive organs too (1 Cor. 6:19-20). Now don’t panic!! God knows us individually. He knows some of us can't handle/ don’t want more than one, two, kids. That said- it is he who opens and closes a womb and breathes the breath of life into us. It would not be an act of love for God to give a couple who were living their lives in submission to him and who asked him not too a ‘van load’ of kids (BTW- FAM works w/o chemical side- effects). Make sure you are receiving advice from wise people with proven track records (Proverbs 11:14; 12:15; 15:22; 19:20). In the same way that you wouldn’t take advice about your educational future from someone who has no ambition, neither should you take relationship advice from just anyone (regardless to how long you’ve known them, if they are a dear relative, etc.). We have to trust God with our reproduction too. Ok lemme get off of my podium… There are 3 areas couples need to be one and the same page with before saying “I do…” 1. Finances (budget is not a bad word- www.daveramsey.com and www.crown.org) 2. Children (how many, when, disciplined how?) 3. Religion/ Spiritual relationships. I am passionate about Godly marriages. I want you and your SO to be happy and to begin with the end in mind .
Here are some links to messages/ resources who do an excellent job on teaching what submission really means.
HTH,
Prudent1

Voddie Baucham Ministries: http://www.voddiebaucham.org/vbm/home.html
He also did an excellent series called ‘Marriage by Design’ available at www.northpoint.org.

Read Joyce Meyer’s book- Making Marriage Work
https://shop.joycemeyer.org/estore/Search.aspx?CurrentPage=1

Watch the movie titled Not Easily Broken. They have a coupon for $3.00 off.
http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/noteasilybroken/

Pastor Creflo Dollar’s book titled- The Successful Family- Everything you need to know to build a stronger family.
https://ww2.micahtek.com/nexolive/nShop_Store.cfm?CFID=20665302&CFTOKEN=80256307

Mars Hill Church series on ‘The Peasant Princess’, ‘Redeeming Ruth’, and ‘Proverbs’.
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/sermons

Focus on the Family has a lot of good info too
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage.aspx

I hope this isn't considered hijacking- You sound so wise, not in your own eyes but in the eyes of the Lord and that is awesome!!! Thanks to people who aren't afraid to tell the truth, the deception does not stand a chance.

When you(wives/women, whomever) decides to do things God's way -you can't help but to be blessed & highly favored.

 

[blazingthru]

Not only you submitting to your husband but he must submit to you as well and it should be very easy to be open and honest with the one you love. If you both have God first in your lives. I think it would be great to study out selfishness, its really the root that destoys marriages. No saying that you are but its really something to study out on both parts. there are so many moments where we as humans are very selfish and don't want to give over control, if you feel these things strongly perhaps you are not ready for marriage just yet.
Be reasonable in money matters.
love is not possessive... Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish adantages
1 Corith 13:4,5 Phililps God loveth a cheerful giver 2 Corith 9:7
all possessions and income to marriage should be ours not yours and not mine - you both should have small equal sums to spend as you desire (whenever possible) without giving an account. (that should be establish from the door.
Talk things over and counsel together freely.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I do not understand why condoms are necessary in a marriage blessed by God. It seems there is a trust issue already. on more then one level.
Is he a christian a real christian that wants to study the bible everyday and pray with you everyday?
My daughter just got asked to be married, she loves her boyfriend we love him too. He is truly one of the family. but he doesnt' believe what we believe at all. So she said she loved him but she would not marry him. its extremly difficult to be with someone that does not put God first in their lives. I was in the same boat, I got married. I have suffered so much for that decision. I wasn't into the beliefs that i am now but still I believed in God and there were certain things I would not do. It caused conflict after conflict in our marriage oh there were other things. My daughter made the decision on her own. She saw the difference in our marriage and did not want the same for her. I always went to church alone and family functions alone. he was hardly ever there I even went on vacation alone and I struggle alone. I didn't get help from him. I had to borrow money if I was in a bind. From my own husband. I don't want anyone to make the same mistake as me. I truly love the lord and he is forevermore first in my life. I will never yoke myself with someone that does not have a strong faith and values like myself. I honestly hope the best for you and whatever you choosed I Hope its a true blessing from the Lord. He is the designer of Marriage

 

[Prudent1]

I was in the same boat, I got married. I have suffered so much for that decision. I wasn't into the beliefs that i am now but still I believed in God and there were certain things I would not do. It caused conflict after conflict in our marriage - blazingthru

I was in the same situation as blazingthru. I got married but I did not ask God for his input nor did I want it at that point in life. The results- divorce- single parenthood and all it's woes to quote blazingthru again "I always went to church alone and family functions alone. he was hardly ever there I even went on vacation alone and I struggled alone. I didn't get help from him. I had to borrow money if I was in a bind. From my own husband. I don't want anyone to make the same mistakes as me."
The only difference is that he was the one borrowing money from me!!

Like balzingthru, I have been changed by God . I have so much more wisdom concerning all things thanks to Him! When I am married again- it will be biblical.

 

[DMJ's Mom]

Well for sex I have no advice but for finances what DH and I originally wanted to do was make a joint account and put our half of all the bills into it and keep the rest in our seperate accounts I don't question his accout he doesn't question mine. But what we ended up doing for now is he transfers his half of the bills to my checking account and I pay all on the bills. We are both happy with the way it works out

 

[Prudent1]

Well for sex I have no advice but for finances what DH and I originally wanted to do was make a joint account and put our half of all the bills into it and keep the rest in our seperate accounts I don't question his accout he doesn't question mine. But what we ended up doing for now is he transfers his half of the bills to my checking account and I pay all on the bills. We are both happy with the way it works out

ButterCaramel,
I think you guys are on point! The issues seem to come into play when you have not both discussed what is going on and you two are not aware of what the other is doing. I know a lot of people who have money tucked away and DH or wifey has no idea. As long as the dialogue is there and there aren't secrets... you know? For example, some women are more mechanically inclined than DH. Some men have an eye for interior decor while the wife does not. Underlying issues like hidden secrets and trust issues most be addressed in a marriage. Submission requires trust in God and DH. SOmetimes that may mean you look foolish to those outside of the marriage but that is where wisdom (to keep our mouths shut ) and those realtionships you have with older happily married couples come into play.

 

[neenzmj]

I say this to you: BEFORE you give any further thought of marriage to your SO (or anyone else), be honest with yourself and take your own submission temperature with the Lord. Next, gain a clear understanding of what submission IS and ISN'T. So many women have a hard time getting with the idea of submission because it comes off sounding like husbands are given this authority to dictate over us, but scripture gives husbands an equally huge task of sacrificing and loving us (like Christ loved the church.) It's difficult to be a dictator and show love and sacrifice at the same time.

One of the things we need to do (particularly as African American women) is redefine this idea of the strong, independent black woman. Throughout the years, we've watched so many examples of women who have had to hold it down because they were left no choice, but that's not how God intended it to be. For many of us, the strong, black woman example is all we know and we tend to think that's the example we should follow. But there's strength in being a submissive wife. The woman characterized in Proverbs 31 knew who she was. She held it down at the house and at the job, but she exemplified a Godly woman and wife and part of that includes submission.

Here's the other thing that most people forget: though the scripture tells wives to submit to their husbands, it also says that we are to submit one to another. If I use my marriage as an example, I am submissive to my husband and he submits to me sometimes as well... not in a way that means I'm leading him, but he takes my thoughts and ideas and wisdom into consideration and submits when he knows it's the right thing to do. Most importantly (and the reason it is so easy for me to submit to him) is because my husband is submitted to God. Because of his relationship with the Lord and because I know that he desires to please him, I trust that my husband will not abuse his authority as the head (and he never has.)

So, as the other ladies have said, you definitely have to first begin by being submissive to God and you would certainly want to ask yourself how submissive your SO is to God in his relationship. If these things aren't in place, you will definitely have some problems.

I'm currently in a relationship with SO we have been together for 4 years. I was raised in a single home, so I am not use to male authority. My SO and I are talking about marriage and trying to make sure we are on the same page. The issue came up about finances and sex. For the sex he doesn't want to use condoms because he said "they" put AIDS in condoms. And I said I guess we won't be having sex I'm am in no position to have a child, esp. while I'm accumulating 100,000's debt from medical school. But his response is when God allows it we will have a child, condoms or not. But something didn't sit right with that.
Also, I'm having issues of having to share my income because there are certain things I want to buy (like my hair products lol) and I don't want someone over me asking me about every single purchase. I do know that we become one is everything but that independent side of me keeps rising up. I'm praying for God to help me in this area because all I know is the strength of my Mom and how she held it down. I don't respond well to men telling me what to do And I'm afraid if I don't get help my marriage will be stress.

Any advice lol...I am just a mess right now

 

[MrJohnsonsRib]

Man! I can feel you on the submission thing. I'm currently trying to work on this myself...it's tough because the thing about Biblical submission, it requires you to be vulnerable,humble, naked and unashamed...that way you are open to receive all the Lord has for you-strength,love, forgiveness, faithfulness, blessings. As much as I like being blessed I still find myself being a creature of habit. It's just such a tough thing sometimes to just let go of things and open up. I think that once this part is done the rest falls into place...let me re-word this- Nothing will get done until you are able to submit and trust in the Lord to make the way for it to be done, and I dare not lie and say that the journey will be peachy. Trust and the Lord will give you the words to say the courage to do whatever and I'm speaking to myself on this. I'm giving myself a lil pep talk too. Also communicate with your man. It's much better than not. What doesn't get said now will probably get said later at a more intense time and sometimes in a not so nice way. Been there. Hang in there and as long as you are allowing the Lord to work thru you then you can be sure a blessing is waiting for your steadfastness, even if SO is trippin.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

I respect Father but I don't fully agree with what he said only because of what was not said. He wasn't exactly addressing abusers, either passive or aggressive but what if there's nothing that can keep that person from being irritated? Submission is out the door because it'll never work anyway:



Q&A Home > M > Marital Problems

I have been married for 14 years. We didn't know each other well before the marriage. And since the first day problems have started but we have always managed to get over them and move on. Recently we have been fighting very frequently. My husband appears to be a very religious and pious person; but at home he is a different one. Recently with every argument, he has been threatening to sell the house and pursue divorce or separation. I am praying but nothing is working. I don't deny my role in our problem. I have been praying a lot and fasting for our marriage but things seem to be getting worse. What can I do?

I do not know the nature of your disagreements but in general most domestic disputes are a result of pride. I am sure if you both try to listen to each other more patiently, you will be able to carry decent conversation without arguments. Did you try to be the submissive wife and give him room to be the decision maker in the household? I am sure if you continue praying and try to avoid doing what upsets him, peace will come to your home. There are three books that I highly recommend for both of you to read:

* "A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage" by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan
* "Living Happily Ever After" by Bob Mumford
* "Divorce Busting" by Michelle Weiner-Davis