Single Christian Women & Missionary Dating

[Janice]

Hello to all my beautiful single christian sisters in the Lord.

Anyway I wanted to get the ball rolling on what seems to be a very controversial/sensitive topic, unless its new to some of you all. It is clear and biblical that dating unequally yoked/ unsaved men (with the purpose of marriage or for other reasons whatsoever aka Missionary Dating) for most christians is a no no, in which ITA!

We even have biblical guidelines given by Paul and we clearly see the effects of what being unequally yoked did to Solomon in the Old Testament.

However, I am not talking about unequally yoked/unsaved men but the kind that do believe in Christ, but have no relationship with God at the current moment, not attending church, used to go as a child but not active, not reading their word consistently/daily, etc.

Now just so my post doesn't get misconstrued in any way, I do not believe in dating anyone that is clearly not maturing in their relationship with Christ (that means backsliders, non-believer/Christian, etc). And I personally will not date nor have ever dated in my life unless I clearly see that God is guiding or leading me into a courtship in which his will for marriage is a result.

However, with the growing number of single Christian women in church and the low attendance of males these days, let's just say hypothetically speaking that there is a well rounded male candidate for marriage who believes in Christ but is not currently attending church but occasionally reads his word.

If this candidate were to approach you and express interest to you after being acquaintances/friends for some time for a serious relationship, how do you handle these kinds of situations?

Yes, I have been in these situations with only being genuinely interested in two of the guys. I admit that I used to completely ignore guys that would try to date me if I knew that they were not a Christian even though I may have liked them but I have always believed it to be compromised, so I brushed them off.

However, now that I am growing and maturing I've learned to share my faith w/ all these unsaved men that have approached me, regardless of whether I am interested in them or not.

A soul is more important to me than finding a husband, so if I given the chance I take it as opportunity to minister to them.

I have had just a couple of female friends who met their husbands while they were saved but their mates weren't at the time. Their husbands did get saved before my friends started courting them by the way and now are on fire for the Lord. However, I do see these situations as an exception though and not the reality for most christians. Most christians will and have met their mates through ministry, church, etc and both parties were already saved for the most part.

I believe that when God provides for a mate that he will be a believer and growing in his relationship w/ Christ. God is the author of marriage and if he is to orchestrate marriage, he will provide us with a leader and not someone who doesn't know where they stand in their relationship with Christ and compromises, hardly prays, etc. And yes, God can provide for a mate other than church such as at work or on the train, but he will BE SAVED!

So ladies, how do you handle these situations, keeping in mind that he is a believer and a great candidate for marriage. I am talking about a man who is mentally, physically and emotionally healthy/stable, is willing to wait, has integrity, good character, financially dependent, responsible, articulate, wise, but whose spiritual walk isn't first in his life and has taken a back seat.

Also, is it still missionary dating if the guy believes but just needs a little push to come to church?

 

[Janice]

I have personally handled these situations by praying to the Lord about my "feelings" and guarding my heart with these men by limiting my contact/time spent, and not praying w/ them (too intimate), etc.

I tend to think its the enemy putting counterfeits when these decent men express interest to me that aren't really walking with the Lord.

I'm like man, almost perfect for me,but not quite!, lol

It can be frustrating at times, especially if the don't come to church! This helps to weed out the one for you by the way too.

Most of them seem to want to date me first and then come to church but I don't play that. I would like to see them grow in the Lord first and get their relationship w/ God nurtured before they can have a chance w/ me if they are the one.

I don't believe a man could love me the way Christ intended unless they have developed their relationship with God and have grown in God's love for them.

Nobody's perfect but I know its good to have some major character flaws worked on before marriage and a man growing in Christ and learning about himself and dealing with those flaws is a better choice for a husband rather than a prideful mate who thinks that their is nothing wrong w/him. Humility, honesty and selflessness are three traits I know that are important to me. If there is no strong/consistent relationship with Christ, I don't see how that mate could gradually change into the image of Christ if he is not looking to anything to hold him accountable.

 

[jturner7156]

Sister Janice, you have know idea what you just for me...you have validated what God has been speaking to me through my pastor. It's this guy at my job who is um, let's just say handsomely blessed. Well, during lent, I gave up dating, courting all the above and that's when he approached me. He asked me to lunch on 2/21 but I said, no after lent on 3/24 we can go. Well, I asked my pastor what should I do and he said bring him to church 1st and let me meet him. Well, I asked him 2 times before my lent was over so we could be ready to go to lunch that is. Well he didn't show but he asked me to lunch on 3/24, I said no come to my church 1st. He said he would come next week but I got funny feelings about it since he is taking his sweet ole time.

 

[Janice]

Sister Janice, you have know idea what you just for me...you have validated what God has been speaking to me through my pastor. It's this guy at my job who is um, let's just say handsomely blessed. Well, during lent, I gave up dating, courting all the above and that's when he approached me. He asked me to lunch on 2/21 but I said, no after lent on 3/24 we can go. Well, I asked my pastor what should I do and he said bring him to church 1st and let me meet him. Well, I asked him 2 times before my lent was over so we could be ready to go to lunch that is. Well he didn't show but he asked me to lunch on 3/24, I said no come to my church 1st. He said he would come next week but I got funny feelings about it since he is taking his sweet ole time.

LOl,I know I can't stand the teasers. The ones who have everything going on but their walk with God. I mean come on. But you know what its so funny out of the many men that have expressed interest to me outside of church, only two have come to church. But nothing came out of those situations. I was not attracted to them on a physical level and we just didn't click.

Hold on though, I am pretty sure we are going through this for a reason. When that one comes your way I know you will appreciate him. It seems like you have to go through 100 frogs these days before that one comes!

I think its nice to know that that if a man is interested in you that he will come to church or do things you like and vice versa, but when it comes to God, Its important that the man experiences a true conversion and really gets grounded in the word of God. Many men prey on single christian women this way by "pretending" to be saved and then reverting back to their old ways once they get married and fall away from God all together.

That's why I will only invite an interested man to church and tell him about Jesus but no coaching & forcing. If he doen't have an interest in the things of God, much less me ........he isn't the one! And that goes for you too!

 

[Browndilocks]

Sister Janice, you have know idea what you just for me...you have validated what God has been speaking to me through my pastor. It's this guy at my job who is um, let's just say handsomely blessed. Well, during lent, I gave up dating, courting all the above and that's when he approached me. He asked me to lunch on 2/21 but I said, no after lent on 3/24 we can go. Well, I asked my pastor what should I do and he said bring him to church 1st and let me meet him. Well, I asked him 2 times before my lent was over so we could be ready to go to lunch that is. Well he didn't show but he asked me to lunch on 3/24, I said no come to my church 1st. He said he would come next week but I got funny feelings about it since he is taking his sweet ole time.

I'm sorry but I'd feel some kinda way about you too if we worked together and you wouldn't go to lunch with me unless I went with you to church. Moreover - I'd feel some kind of way about anybody at work who wouldn't have lunch with me unless I went to their church. I'd be likely to run in the opposite direction.

Lunch at work is nowhere near courting/dating. While it can open up the possibility for those things to happen... it's lunch... at work.

 

[Janice]

I'm sorry but I'd feel some kinda way about you too if we worked together and you wouldn't go to lunch with me unless I went with you to church. Moreover - I'd feel some kind of way about anybody at work who wouldn't have lunch with me unless I went to their church. I'd be likely to run in the opposite direction.

Lunch at work is nowhere near courting/dating. While it can open up the possibility for those things to happen... it's lunch... at work.

Hey Browndilocks, I respect your opinion but unfortunately cannot compromise my walk w/ Christ for a man. And there are some decent secular brothers out there that are hard to resist.

I have been to lunch with male friends and there is nothing wrong w/ that. However, when a guy starts expressing interest in me after some time of being friends or off the bat then that changes the whole dynamics of our "friendship" sort to speak because he has intentions of dating me but is not saved or pursuing a relationship w/Christ. And if I am attracted to him, that makes it even harder.

And relationship w/ Christ is not just demonstrated by going to church. Anyone can go to church and read their word but it is seen in the attidue of their heart and change in character."You will know them by their fruits."

I have seen too many women fall away from God and marry a guy who had no deisre to go to church in whatt was suppose to start out as "some innocent lunch" or just one date. Those feelings can sure lead one astray.

If I hadn't been careful many times and nip it in the bud while early, I would have been one of these women. No one is short of falling, I don't care how strong they may be. Satan knows what we like and he custom tailors it to our liking.

 

[Browndilocks]

Wait - are you and jturner the same person?

Nobody said anything about compromising your walk with Christ for a man. It does however look a little weird to not go to lunch with someone at work simply because they didn't go to church with you. Experessing interest and wanting to hook up is one thing, but it isn't clear that this is what said man in the post was trying to do. He just asked her to go to lunch. Maybe there's some details that were not included, but that's all I got out of it. Now maybe she's feeling some kind of way about him or something, who knows. I just personally think its a little "off" to make such requests of someone in a work environment that you've never once had the oppotrunity to have a private conversation with to inform them about your walk with Christ in the first place. If he was just some dude asking for a date on a Saturday afternoon then okay. But when both of yall are on the clock and will more than likely be in a crowded cafeteria hollerin at your coworkers across the way, structure is set up and your time is limited, I just think that requiring someone to go to church before something as small as that takes place is a little much.

Maybe that's just me.

 

[Bunny77]

Wait - are you and jturner the same person?

Nobody said anything about compromising your walk with Christ for a man. It does however look a little weird to not go to lunch with someone at work simply because they didn't go to church with you. Experessing interest and wanting to hook up is one thing, but it isn't clear that this is what said man in the post was trying to do. He just asked her to go to lunch. Maybe there's some details that were not included, but that's all I got out of it. Now maybe she's feeling some kind of way about him or something, who knows. I just personally think its a little "off" to make such requests of someone in a work environment that you've never once had the oppotrunity to have a private conversation with to inform them about your walk with Christ in the first place. If he was just some dude asking for a date on a Saturday afternoon then okay. But when both of yall are on the clock and will more than likely be in a crowded cafeteria hollerin at your coworkers across the way, structure is set up and your time is limited, I just think that requiring someone to go to church before something as small as that takes place is a little much.

Maybe that's just me.

I agree.

Maybe there's more that jturner isn't saying... like maybe she can tell from his behavior at work that he's a player, or he does/says things that shows his walk isn't Godly... but yeah, I think it is asking a bit much to expect a man to go to church with you before you simply go to lunch.

I don't see going to lunch as "dating." It might be a "date," but you aren't dating by going out once. Now, if he started wanting more and you are committed to a courtship-only type of relationship (which is fine), then you would be well-served to examine his relationship with Christ.

I think that if you're going to be thrown off track by one lunch date, there might be a bigger issue there...

I'll add more later on the topic of missionary dating, because I've heard both sides. Just gotta get done with this work assignment.

Be blessed!

 

[Janice]

Wait - are you and jturner the same person?

Nobody said anything about compromising your walk with Christ for a man. It does however look a little weird to not go to lunch with someone at work simply because they didn't go to church with you. Experessing interest and wanting to hook up is one thing, but it isn't clear that this is what said man in the post was trying to do. He just asked her to go to lunch. Maybe there's some details that were not included, but that's all I got out of it. Now maybe she's feeling some kind of way about him or something, who knows. I just personally think its a little "off" to make such requests of someone in a work environment that you've never once had the oppotrunity to have a private conversation with to inform them about your walk with Christ in the first place. If he was just some dude asking for a date on a Saturday afternoon then okay. But when both of yall are on the clock and will more than likely be in a crowded cafeteria hollerin at your coworkers across the way, structure is set up and your time is limited, I just think that requiring someone to go to church before something as small as that takes place is a little much.

Maybe that's just me.

No I don't think I am that crazy to start a thread and then go under a different alias to answer it. But anyhoo, I am assuming that Jturner is attracted to her coworker as he also may more than likely be into her. She can correct me if I am wrong but this is what I got from her post.

Now it is not a "sin" per say to have lunch with a friend, coworker, but if you have an indication or knowledge that your friend or coworker who is possibly not saved and is interested in you beforehand, and you still go to lunch with him ,then it certainly isn't wise. Especially if you are attracted to him.

Now if he didn't state his intention about taking her to lunch then there is no harm there, but a woman usually knows when a man is into her.

And if she is attracted to him while being unsaved then it is playing w/fire. Yes it is not a date but going out to lunch with unsaved or unequally yoked and even backsliders for that matter that you may possiblly be interested in but it is putting yourself in a compromising position. These people should clearly be "off limits" according to the bible standards, not my standards.

I fellowship with and have unsaved friends and so did Jesus, but I don't do the things that they do that may conflict with my walk with God. Chrisitians should not be conforming to the standards of the world by bargainng w/ the unsaved particularly when it comes to dating. When you start to open the door of compromise in that area of your life then you pretty much may start compromising further down the line. And I have seen it happen too many times.

Can I get some other opinions/biblical perspective to the original questions of the thread, I don't want to turn go off topic w/this.

 

[Bunny77]

^^^We'll just wait for jturner to perhaps shed some more light on this story!

As for the focus of the thread, I think that women have to be careful not to use missionary dating as an excuse to be with someone they know is unequally yoked.

I had a friend who was very attracted to a man who had no interest in building a relationship with God, but wanted to be with my friend, so he put on an act to get her. He went to church with her, he attended some Bible studies with her... all while trying to get her into bed, despite the fact that she was telling him that she wanted to remain a virgin until marriage.

Thank God that she came to her senses before she made a mistake that she would have regretted. She realized that her months of trying to bring him closer to the Lord -- she truly believe he was MUCH better than when she first met him -- were a complete farce and he was just as mean-spirited as he was when they first met.

Now while I do believe that she truly wanted to help him in his walk with God, it was easier as well for her to excuse her dealings with him by saying she was trying to win his soul for the Lord (when we all knew that it was really about something else!)

After all, she could have worked with him from afar, or recommended some male mentors who could help him... she didn't need to date him to win him for Christ.

Anyway, years later she met the man who became her husband and they just had a baby boy in December. With him, she never had to question his commitment to God.

So... I'd say that we must be careful not to deal with someone who's unequally yoked and attempt to justify it by saying that we want to help him in his walk with the Lord... when we KNOW we're just lying to ourselves! (But not to God!)

 

[jturner7156]

No, jturner7156 and Janice are not the same person. It took me a while to reply since I only get on LHCF while at work. The situation is this, the man at my job attends a baptist church, he has been in church his whole life, sings in a christian group, very good looking, great job all of that going on. I know if I go to lunch or something as simple as a walk, it would be hard for me to let it go if he is a counterfeit.

Now the church part, my pastor is a true prophet (not b/c people say so but b/c he has told me things about me that other people know nothing about). I also see my pastor as a father-figure, I would trust his judgement. I may not be able to see if he is counterfiet or not but my pastor will...he has done this before, I didn't listen and then he was the one who had to see my tears. I am not dating someone to add to the list, I am dating to be married b/c it leaves too much room for temptation. I refuse to be with someone who is a church-goer but has no relationship with God. I am taking no chances. So if the guy from my job feels some kinda way about me as well, then so be it b/c he is not the one. God knows how I feel, so my HUSBAND will not be hesitant to come meet my pastor.

 

[Browndilocks]

My thing is if you're going to practice Missionary Dating then that's your business. But don't try to make it seem like "this man is great and I can win him over to the Lord" when really - you have our own internal agenda & struggles on dealing with these men in certain environmens. If something needs to be worked out of YOU to the point where you can't even have lunch with a person unless they go to church with you - that's clearly a sign of some deeper issues with yourself theat needs to be worked on, cast out or something. No need to have the "I'm so holy and I can't talk to you unless I get spiritual counseling first" attitude because if you [general] were THAT holy then dating unsaved/uncommitted men wouldn't even be an option. But that clearly isnt the case now is it? IMO that's the problem with some single Christian women today. Trying to act so holy that they become social weirdos in the most non-threatening of environments while looking like a hypocrite and sounding silly.

If you're going to play the world, then play the world. But don't dibble and dabble between dating saved and unsaved men and then expect the unsaved men to go along with your program the way a saved person might consider. The same way you had to step outside of the church in order to hook up with the man, you have to also use tactics that may not align with "in church" practices". So don't expect other saved Christian people like myself who have dated outside of her own church to spot what it really is and call your bluff. I've been there and it is what it is. "I'm dating a guy that isn't saved or doesnt go to my church but I'm still feelin where it might take me. Maybe I can get him to go to church with me if things progress." <---- that's all it is.

Don't try to sanctify what you think it looks like, all because you're trying to get with him and then turn around and profess that you have a holy datiing life. If we keep things real and stop trying to sugarcoat the fact that he's fine and although he doesn't go to church, I'm still tryina holla, and bring THAT to the Lord, then maybe we can get some REAL deliverance. Playing this little "I'll convert him later" game while not acknowleding the real issues of just wanting a man whether he's saved or not, is the very fabric of what keeps hopeful singles in the dark.

 

[jturner7156]

My thing is if you're going to practice Missionary Dating then that's your business. But don't try to make it seem like "this man is great and I can win him over to the Lord" when really - you have our own internal agenda & struggles on dealing with these men in certain environmens. If something needs to be worked out of YOU to the point where you can't even have lunch with a person unless they go to church with you - that's clearly a sign of some deeper issues with yourself theat needs to be worked on, cast out or something. No need to have the "I'm so holy and I can't talk to you unless I get spiritual counseling first" attitude because if you [general] were THAT holy then dating unsaved men wouldn't even be an option. But that clearly isnt the case now is it? IMO that's the problem with some single Christian women today. Trying to be so holy that they become social weirdos in the most non-threatening of environments.

If you're going to play the world, then play the world. But don't dibble and dabble between dating saved and unsaved men and then expect the unsaved men to go along with your program the way a saved person might consider. Don't expect other saved Christian people like myself who have dated outside of her own church to call your bluff. I've been there and it is what it is. "I'm dating a guy that isn't saved or doesnt go to my church" <---- that's all it is.

Don't try to sanctify what you think it looks like, all because you're trying to get with him and then turn around and profess that you have a holy datiing life. If we keep things real and stop trying to sugarcoat the fact that he's fine and although he doesn't go to church, I'm still tryina holla, and bring THAT to the Lord, then maybe we can get some REAL deliverance. Playing this little "I'll convert him later" game while not acknowleding the real issues of just wanting a man whether he's saved or not, is the very fabric of what keeps hopeful singles in the dark.

I guess you missed the post when I said he grew up in church, has a home church and sings lead in a christian band. With that being said, I ASSUME he is saved but we both know that may not be the case. Now for the bolded, I do not and will not want nor date an unsaved man. I was not always saved so I had to work hard to get where I am today. No man or no statement will interfere with my relationship with God and my strive to live holy. Social wierdo, no never that but protecting my heart oh I will do so by any means necassary. Now I don't have a problem with controlling myself, I could let him take me to lunch today but since my judgement has not always been the best with men, I would defintely appreciate my pastor's insight before I give him my dear conversation. Not only do I not want to like him if he is not for me but I do not want him to grow to like me either. I truly do not have the idea of converting this man or any man in my heart but please read this and read this clearly...I WOULD APPRECIATE MY PASTOR'S INSIGHT!

 

[Browndilocks]

..............................................

 

[Browndilocks]

... and I'm not trying to attack anyone personally... I'm just calling these types of scenarios as I see it. Your situation is merely the thing I used as an example but THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

 

[jturner7156]

... and I'm not trying to attack anyone personally... I'm just calling these types of scenarios as I see it. Your situation is merely the thing I used as an example but this happens all the time.

That's the thing, you called it incorrectly. I refuse to missionary date and that's what I am trying to prevent thus him coming to meet my pastor whom is a proven prophet. Since he put it off, it made me suspicious. And I will not go to lunch, a movie a snack or anything else b/c this is how I feel. Understand this, I'm not telling him to attend my church in hopes for him to impress me or my pastor, I'm inviting him b/c if he is just trying to slow my walk with God, he will be revealed. Pray about it and God will help you understand what I am trying to say to you.

 

[Browndilocks]

I understand perfectly thank you. You should pray about explaining the scenario more clearly and accepting the fact that some people just aren't going to agree with you. You still make it seem like if dude doesn't jump on the next rocket ship to church with you, then he's not for you because he could slow your walk down. After all... he is only handsomely blessed in certain areas, right? He still needs the approval of your proven prophet pastor in order to get the real okey-doke. If it's like that then why even entertain the thought of dating him anyway? Why not just wait until you meet someone whose already in your church, and has qualifications to go to lunch with you so that the pace of your walk can remain on the up and up? With no questions, contemplations or missionary-dating based frustrations involved...

 

[jturner7156]

Well, we will agree to disagree!