Am I doing something wrong?

mrselle

Well-Known Member
I spent Father’s Day with my husband. I have a stepdaughter and my husband and I have a 10 month old. I told my parents a few weeks ago that I would not be able to see them on Father’s Day, but I invited them to come up on Saturday, the day before Father’s Day. My mom called me a few days before and told me that they would not be able to come up because she had an eye doctor’s appointment and if she rescheduled she wouldn’t be able to be seen for another month. I told her I understood and that we’d just see them another weekend.

I get the impression that my parents feel like I should have come there since they weren’t able to come up, but the truth is that my husband and I had things we needed to take care of at hour house, plus we were going to a child’s birthday party the next day (Father’s Day) that is an hour away and we didn’t want to spend our entire weekend driving all over the place.

When I called my dad Sunday to wish him a happy Father’s Day he seemed upset and very distant. I talked to my mom first because she answered the phone. She was “pleasantly cold” towards me. I could tell she didn’t really want to talk to me. I talked to my dad for all of two minutes…it was a very short conversation and he initiated getting off the phone. Later that evening when we got home from the birthday party my stepdaughter called to wish my dad a happy Father’s Day (my husband and I were outside watering the plants). Later on my husband called to talk to my dad. He’d told me earlier to tell my dad he said hello, but wanted to personally wish him a Happy Father’s Day. My husband said my mom answered the phone and told him my dad was in the shower. I asked him how my mom sounded and he said she was sort of cold and distant. My husband asked my mom if my dad had a good day and she said he had an ok day. My husband told her that he imagines that it is hard from him since this is only his second Father’s Day without his father. My mom said, “Well, that was some of it”, but never elaborated on what was really wrong and my husband didn’t press the issue.

I know in my heart that my parents are upset with me because I don’t visit them as often as I use to. When I was in college and before I married I would visit them at least once a month. Even right after I got married I still managed to go see them about once a month. Over the last few years I haven’t been able to get down there as often. I work full time, I’m also going back to school, I have a stepdaughter who lives with us full time and she is active in various activities. For example, she sings in our church’s youth choir and most of the practices are on Saturday. She also plays basketball and during basketball season she almost always has practice on Saturdays too. We also have a very active 10 month old baby and my husband travels for work during the week. Our weekends consist of grocery shopping, taking our oldest daughter to her various activities, me studying, cleaning the house, yard work, etc… When we do get a free moment we want to relax in our own home. A lot of times we are completely wiped out.

Prior to my baby being born my parents rarely came to visit us. They always relied on us to come to them. My parents are not old by any means. They are both in their early 50’s, have no physical disabilities and are relatively healthy. After my daughter was born they started coming up more often. Now, I guess they are tired of coming to us and want us to come to them more often. Honestly, between our every day lives and trying to divide our time between my family and my husband’s family I just don’t see where we have the time to drive two hours one way as often as they want us to come.

I guess this is my long winded way of asking if I’m doing something wrong. Am I doing something wrong? I honestly want to know. I don’t think that I’m wrong, but if I am I want to know so I can try to fix this. This is not the first time my parents have been upset with me for not visiting as often. It’s gotten to a point where they are making snide remarks about me behind my back. I believe that I should be taking care of my own home and family first and that is what I am trying to do. I’m very upset with my parents because there seems to be such a double standard. When I was growing up we didn’t always go see my grandparent’s on Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. I would think that they would be proud of me knowing that I am happy and doing well. I would think that they would realize that as I get older and start having kids that I wouldn’t be able to spend as much time with them. Am I wrong in my thinking? I would talk to my parents about this, but they don’t want to talk this out…not unless I do what they tell me to do. Am I doing something wrong?
 
No your not wrong. I beleive you handled the situation well. I understand where your coming from. I will soon have to tell my Mom I wan't be able to make it for her big Christmas Gala this year.

It is hard to balance family and holidays. Your parents have to get use to it and come to terms that you may not always be able to travel to them. This is a no win situation just try to be sensitive to their feelings while at the same time gently letting them know that you could not make it etc, etc.
 
Your not doing anything wrong. Stay strong in prayer. Your simply trying to balance out a very busy life. Send your parents a card and a note telling them you miss seeing them as often as before but they are always in your heart and mind.
 
No, Mrselle you are not doing anything wrong. You are cleaving to your family (you, DH, and daughter) and making decisions that are best for them. By the way, are you an only child? Me and DH deal with these same type of issues with our parents. I think some parents just have a hard time of letting go, and being considerate of the fact that their children now have their own families now. When I first got married, I saw my parents once a month, but that was b/c I lived only 2.5-3hrs away, and they had never visited me other than to help me move in and out. Now that I live 6hrs away, my visits have grossly dwindled.

I saw my parents Memorial Day weekend, and the next time I plan on returning will be either Thanksgiving or Christmas. And every time we come home, one of our parents always gets upset about something we did or didnt do. Last time I went home was best, b/c me and DH had a plan. We werent going to be doing any visiting except for our elderly relatives, and if you wanted to see us, we were going to be at one of 3 places. Usually when we go home, we tire ourselves out trying to visit people after driving down 6hrs and having to drive back, we then drive around town. Well, we nipped that in the bud, and for once, we didnt feel extra drained coming back, but then his dad was upset b/c we didnt visit him, and then mind you as soon as we are about to leave, his dad just decides to stop by, then I get a call from my mom asking to stop past my grandparents house. Mind you, I am pregnant, and we were already late getting on the road, and after telling her I would not be able to make it, she proceed to call me and have other relatives call me asking me to visit my grandpa every 15 mins, b/c he is sick. Now no one told me this when I arrived on Thurs, but everyone decides to share this information 10 min before its time for me to leave on Monday.

At that point I had it. I told everyone NO, and if they called me again, they better hope I am still prayed up at that point, b/c I just think that is just grossly inconsiderate. No one in my family has made the drive to see me in the past 2 years I have been this far away, and I would believe that if they did, they might be a little more considerate as to how I spend my time when I get there.

I say all of this to say don't allow people to make you feel bad or try to guilt-trip you (yes even though these people are your parents), b/c you can't or won't do something they want you to do. Whether people realize or not that is actually a form of witchcraft, b/c they are trying to control you, and manipulate you when they don't get their way. So you have to bind that spirit, and keep things moving. Yes, you love your parents, and want to see them, but circumstances doesnt always allow this, and if they don't understand this, then tell them you love them, give them the situation, and pray for them. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty b/c you can't do what they expect, b/c they aren't your priority now.
 
Thank you everyone for your advice.

Sweet C - No, I'm not an only child. I have a younger brother. He seems to be their "star child". He is nine years younger than me, just graduated from college and just started out with his career. He is not married, has no children and only lives an hour from them. Obviously, he has a lot more time than I do, so he sees them quite often.

While the distance is just two hours, it has only been within the last year and a half that I have not been visiting as often. The main reason is that I was pregnant last year, working full-time and was in class two nights a week. Needless to say, I was a tired and just didn't feel like doing a lot of traveling.

Your family sounds a lot like mine.
 
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