Just not feeling it...

[foxxymami]

I have attended my fiance's church for a year now. While the members and the church as a whole are THE warmest and friendliest I've ever come into contact with at a church, I have not yet joined.

I moved here last year and I visited different churches, including his. I ended up just pretty much going to his church since I already know of his church. He grew up in this church and has gone his whole life. This is a church where it seems like everyone is related to everyone. He also has always been an active member throughout the years--he is current active in 2 or 3 ministries right now where he has leadership role in one of them.

All this time, I have been telling myself I should join.

For some reason, I have not. There's a part of me that doesn't feel like this church is "home" to me. I don't think of it, and feel deep inside like this is my church home. How long does it take to feel in your spirit like this is the church you are to connect with. Its been over a year now.

I told a friend of mine about this, and how I always wanted to have a family that attended church together. She pointed out that she knows of several married couples that didn't go to the same church.

I mean, what do you think? Is it alright if your DH goes to a different church than you? What about when kids enter the picture? I would think that its important to worship, fellowship, and hear the messages God needs us to hear together as one unit.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I know of one married couple that does not attend same church. They have been married a very long time. You two do not have to go to the same church. Now if he wants to you join this church then as his future wife, you will have to submit when you marry. But if he doesnt mind you finding somewhere you feel comfortable than keep looking. You two can still go to church together. Develop a plan that alternates throughout the month.

Also make sure whatever church you do attend it does not have any major contradicting beliefs with your future DH's church. That can be a major issue.

 

[sunshinelove]

I think it's important to attend a church together with your fiance/husband. But if you don't feel conncected with something it's not really going to work out. I think that it would be okay to attend separate churches. Maybe you guys can work something out where You attend his church a 2 sundays out the month and he attends yours the other two sundays. You know give it some more time, maybe you'll grow to be connected with it, if this is where God wants you to be! Have a wonderful wedding!

 

[Cheleigh]

I totally understand. My SO and I belong to different churches. We've discussed what will happen after we're married. I don't mind leaving my church home (although I've been a member for 8 years) but I'm not sure I want to join his church either, for a couple of different reasons. Ideally, I would prefer that we look for a new church home together. But if that doesn't happen, I will probably attend, and likely join his church. However, I will advocate for us going to visit different churches though and seeing if there's a better fit for us as a couple first. We don't attend every single Sunday anyway. My preference is that we attend the same church after marriage.

 

[SwoopSui]

I know of one married couple that does not attend same church. They have been married a very long time. You two do not have to go to the same church. Now if he wants to you join this church then as his future wife, you will have to submit when you marry. But if he doesnt mind you finding somewhere you feel comfortable than keep looking. You two can still go to church together. Develop a plan that alternates throughout the month.

Also make sure whatever church you do attend it does not have any major contradicting beliefs with your future DH's church. That can be a major issue.

Uh... what is that supposed to mean?

 

[PaperClip]

"How can two walk together except they be agreed"? (Amos 3:3)

Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? (NIV)

Do two walk together except they make an appointment and have agreed? (Amplified)

Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren't going to the same place? (Amos 3:3)

Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction? (NLT)

Now agree on what, is the question? Maybe no big deal about toothpaste or spaghetti sauce, but shared church attendance/membership? Yes, that's a big deal.

So, OP, based on what you've shared here, church in general and church membership/participation is a big deal to your fiance. And apparently you've given yourself time (a year is a while) to try to fit in.... I hope you have shared your concerns with your fiance, esp. since your wedding is coming up.

Sure, there are married couples who attend different churches and they "work it out", but I submit to you that (I believe) that there is a more excellent way... that the Lord would have families worship together, in spirit and in truth.

With regard to the submission question, the Bible clearly says that the head of the woman (wife) is the man, and the head of the man is Christ. In other words, the man is to be the leader of their home and the wife is to follow her husband. Let's be clear about this: if the man is leading you astray (away from the Lord), that's different. But this man looks like he's wanting to lead his (future) household in holiness, like hopefully he has been taught at this church he's attended his entire life. That's a long time to be connected somewhere and you may not have the same connection (yet) because you're still getting to know the church.

I hope that you have been honest about your feelings to your fiance. I hope that you all are in pre-marital counseling and so you can talk about these things openly and freely. I hope that you are praying and asking the Lord to help you and give you insight about this situation.

I'm going to boldly say not to accept the compromise of couples attending separate churches UNLESS the church is so BOGUS, so EVIL, the presence of the Lord isn't in the place and if that is the case, then the next question is this: why would you want to marry someone who is attending such a DEAD CHURCH?

My humble thoughts....

 

[Angelicus]

I agree with FoxyScholar on this one. Have you talked about this with your fiance? Did you let him know that you're just not feeling this church?

I am a musician (good thing my SO is too). If I go to a church where the praise and worship is unbalanced with the message, then I leave to find another church that is balanced. For instance, there is a church that is around my home: The pastor is great! Awesome! But the praise and worship doesn't have anything to do with Jesus. It sounds like they threw some rock songs together. No one is radical for Christ there so I had to leave.

Go on and talk to him. Please let us know what happens.

 

[alexstin]

I know of one married couple that does not attend same church. They have been married a very long time. You two do not have to go to the same church. Now if he wants to you join this church then as his future wife, you will have to submit when you marry. But if he doesnt mind you finding somewhere you feel comfortable than keep looking. You two can still go to church together. Develop a plan that alternates throughout the month.

Also make sure whatever church you do attend it does not have any major contradicting beliefs with your future DH's church. That can be a major issue.

I would not worship in a different place then my DH. We'd have to do some praying until we both had peace about the place where we would worship as a family. I disagree that she should just submit without dealing with this. If you don't have peace but your future husband just charges full steam ahead in whatever he wants to do he is not loving you as Christ loved the church.

 

[inthepink]

I couldn't imagine not going to same church as my DH. It seems like such a personal and important thing to share together.

 

[momi]

I couldn't imagine not going to same church as my DH. It seems like such a personal and important thing to share together.

Exactly.

 

[mellowmel]

Hey! You two are a lovely couple and I'm pretty sure he would be understanding. You all can try out some churches together and maybe you'll both find one you like.

 

[inthepink]

Hey! You two are a lovely couple and I'm pretty sure he would be understanding. You all can try out some churches together and maybe you'll both find one you like.

I think this is a great idea.

Are you able to pinpoint what you don't particularly love about the church?

 

[Itllbeokbaby]

please talk to your fiance, he needs to know the truth. he may become bitter since this is his church from birth. give him time to understand your point of view.

also... is there any ministry at his church you could involve yourself with?
involvement may help your final decision.

and... stay encouraged, and prayed up. i have moved alot, and my husband always finds the church he thinks we need to attend. i always hate the church, cry out in prayer, tell G-d what i'm missing, and He has always provided. ALWAYS. i am always satisfied in the end. hth.

 

[hopeful]

I couldn't imagine not going to same church as my DH. It seems like such a personal and important thing to share together.

I love going to church with my husband and my kids, it is such a special time for our family and I really look forward to it. I know couples who attend different churches and I guess it can be done but I would think long and hard before making a decision like that one. Most couples are busy during the week with work and school, etc., and are already stretched to spend time together, the weekend is such a nice time to spend together in a more relaxing way. I wouldn't want to give up those precious hours Sunday after Sunday that could have been spent together. We enjoy discussing the sermon afterward, we enjoy meeting new people as a family, imo attending church services together helps your family grow spiritually and strengthens your marriage. And who will the children go to church with, if you go to different churches?

I would pray long and hard about this. I pray you and your fiancee can figure something out. I think you may feel like something of an outsider (despite their warmth and friendliness) because your fiancee knows the church and it's members so much better than you. If there is not something wrong with the church that goes against your beliefs and well-being I would really try to make it work. If not, perhaps the two of you could visit other churches periodically to see if you can find one that you both really like. When I first married I joined my husband's church and I really enjoyed it, we have since moved away and have found other churches together. It would really hurt my heart to attend a different church than my husband and goodness if my kids went to church with my husband and I would be going to another church alone, I can't even imagine...

 

[foxxymami]

I love going to church with my husband and my kids, it is such a special time for our family and I really look forward to it. I know couples who attend different churches and I guess it can be done but I would think long and hard before making a decision like that one. Most couples are busy during the week with work and school, etc., and are already stretched to spend time together, the weekend is such a nice time to spend together in a more relaxing way. I wouldn't want to give up those precious hours Sunday after Sunday that could have been spent together. We enjoy discussing the sermon afterward, we enjoy meeting new people as a family, imo attending church services together helps your family grow spiritually and strengthens your marriage. And who will the children go to church with, if you go to different churches?

I would pray long and hard about this. I pray you and your fiancee can figure something out. I think you may feel like something of an outsider (despite their warmth and friendliness) because your fiancee knows the church and it's members so much better than you. If there is not something wrong with the church that goes against your beliefs and well-being I would really try to make it work. If not, perhaps the two of you could visit other churches periodically to see if you can find one that you both really like. When I first married I joined my husband's church and I really enjoyed it, we have since moved away and have found other churches together. It would really hurt my heart to attend a different church than my husband and goodness if my kids went to church with my husband and I would be going to another church alone, I can't even imagine...

yes i think this is it.

 

[foxxymami]

Thank you ladies. I will pray about this and talk to him and hope we can reach an agreement. I really appreciate your words, it gives me a lot to think about

 

[inthepink]

Thank you ladies. I will pray about this and talk to him and hope we can reach an agreement. I really appreciate your words, it gives me a lot to think about

Please post back and let us know how things go.

 

[sharentu]

foxxymami, i definitely understand where you are coming from. talk to your fiance and you all pray about what you both should do. i do agree and believe in being in the same church as your husband.

 

[hopeful]

yes i think this is it.

That is understandable. It would be nice for the two of you to be on equal footing at a church the two of you chose but I think you will be surprised that as the years pass how things will level out. It is a wonderful blessing to have a man in your life who loves his church. He is bringing you into his home which says an awful lot about how much he loves you and how proud he must be of you. I would certainly give it a few more years, well at least another year or two. You are so blessed my dear, really blessed. Sometimes things aren't perfect and we can make things worse sometimes trying to perfect them. I think time will work this out as you become more comfortable or who knows perhaps he wouldn't mind looking at other churches or you may move and be forced to find another church, my point is to just pray on it and be patient. Once you are married and start having children I think you will find that you feel differently as well.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Uh... what is that supposed to mean?

If the two can not agree on a place after prayer and searching, she yields to him.

 

[Laela]

Well, your humble post is well-received .. I agree with you on compromising.. I believe compromise has no place in a Christian's life.

Have a blessed day!!!

Laela

"How can two walk together except they be agreed"? (Amos 3:3)

Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? (NIV)

Do two walk together except they make an appointment and have agreed? (Amplified)

Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren't going to the same place? (Amos 3:3)

Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction? (NLT)

Now agree on what, is the question? Maybe no big deal about toothpaste or spaghetti sauce, but shared church attendance/membership? Yes, that's a big deal.

So, OP, based on what you've shared here, church in general and church membership/participation is a big deal to your fiance. And apparently you've given yourself time (a year is a while) to try to fit in.... I hope you have shared your concerns with your fiance, esp. since your wedding is coming up.

Sure, there are married couples who attend different churches and they "work it out", but I submit to you that (I believe) that there is a more excellent way... that the Lord would have families worship together, in spirit and in truth.

With regard to the submission question, the Bible clearly says that the head of the woman (wife) is the man, and the head of the man is Christ. In other words, the man is to be the leader of their home and the wife is to follow her husband. Let's be clear about this: if the man is leading you astray (away from the Lord), that's different. But this man looks like he's wanting to lead his (future) household in holiness, like hopefully he has been taught at this church he's attended his entire life. That's a long time to be connected somewhere and you may not have the same connection (yet) because you're still getting to know the church.

I hope that you have been honest about your feelings to your fiance. I hope that you all are in pre-marital counseling and so you can talk about these things openly and freely. I hope that you are praying and asking the Lord to help you and give you insight about this situation.

I'm going to boldly say not to accept the compromise of couples attending separate churches UNLESS the church is so BOGUS, so EVIL, the presence of the Lord isn't in the place and if that is the case, then the next question is this: why would you want to marry someone who is attending such a DEAD CHURCH?

My humble thoughts....

 

[momi]

If the two can not agree on a place after prayer and searching, she yields to him.

Pretty much... and if she cant yield to him on this matter an entirely new thread is needed!

 

[TrendySocialite]

Please talk to him. Your life in Christ is too important not to.

Even if the church is Biblically accurate, spiritually sound and balanced, if you are not being fed and don't feel like you have an opportunity to serve, then you really need to figure out why and possibly speak on it.

If your husband to be is sensitive to Christ and to you, he will take what you say seriously because he will not want you to "die on the vine".

While I couldn't imagine not worshipping with my husband (if I had one) and kids, I also couldn't imagine being in a church where I'm not feeling it either. IMO, neither scenario is God's best.