not the right time to be natural?

[ConstantlyDynamic]

alright ladies. i need some advice right now. some of the info might seem unrelated but it should all come together

there's been friction between my parents and me because i've chosen a life course that they aren't fond of. i want to get my doctorate in sociology (i just graduated from college in june) and they want me to go to med school (i could make a WHOLE topic on this-they've said unnecessarily hurtful things to me recently and i'm so frustrated-i might make a topic later but i'm so bothered by it that i can only focus on the trivial part of the problem). my hair has been brought into the discussion because my dad thinks that my natural hair is ugly and hates it (who hates puffs!! then again, they hated my transitioning braids too because they think that braids look ghetto). my mom stared at my hair once and said "it's like you're not my daughter anymore"- she wants me to relax my hair (don't get me started on some of her other comments). to them, i've changed from the "good girl" and future doctor to the "wild girl" who (gasp!) wears her hair natural and wants a career related to sociology. i want to move out so badly but all of the money that i'm saving from work will be going towards grad school (right now, my money is going towards paying off my credit card bills)- in other words, i'm completely dependent on them financially.

this is a really stressful time for me and i hate hearing hurtful comments on top of that. normally, i would be able to deal- i'm known for being stubborn BUT, again, this is a stressful time in my life because i just gave up my goal to be a doctor- that's huge for me. also i'm used to going to school but i'll be working on a research team this year (you'd think that my parents would be happy because i'll be working at a school that has one of the best soc programs in the country but nooo)- another big change and it doesn't help that my parents don't support it. i don't want to give into my parents and get a relaxer but i feel like that'd be much less stress on me- no more negative comments about how my hair choice is an indicator that i've changed for the worse. I also wouldn't have to spend so much time on my hair (they make comments about this as well and tie it into my "failure at life"-their words, not mine). i could go back to being natural when i'm financially independent and settled into my own apartment/home. i KNOW that i'd go back to being natural because i love it. does this make any sense? sorry if it all sounds disconnected-the issue is about much more than hair.

 

[Cheleigh]

Why don't you just wear a wig if you really want to stay natural?

No one else knows the unique dynamics of your own house and your own mental health. I think the short answer is that you need to do what's best for your own mental and emotional health. There is no right or wrong time to be a natural/relaxed etc. This is one of those cases where you truly have to do what's best for you at the given time.

 

[WyrdWay]

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you, and I see where you could go either way. I would love to say do what you want it is YOUR hair but then what if they(parents) use it as a tool to try and kick you out of or something silly. Relaxing might be the easiest thing and it is hair and will grow back. Maybe you could fool them with weave? Or a lacefront?

Good luck on what ever you choose and hopefully your home life calms down at least a bit.

 

[Yoshi3329]

I was thing of maybe getting a sew-in that looks like relaxed hair. You know, out of sight, out of mind.

My mom is the same way, but then again, I really don't need her approval. She knows I ain't budging and I can take it and dish it out too. I don't care if I am financially dependent on her. I'm a human being with opinions and feelings. Respect them, you don't have to like it, but plz treat me with like I have some dignity.

God speed with your decision OP.

 

[dyh080]

I understand how you feel. When I first went natural over 20 years ago my mother also said and did some negative things to me. And....I was graduated from law school but still living at home because I rather pay my parents than rent some place....eventually I had to move.

Going to school is stress...graduate school even more....working and going to graduate school....more, more stress.

With that being said, I'll tell you what I would do. Go to a quiet place and concentrate on what situation will give me the most peace so that I am able to accomplish my main goal. I'm going to guess that your main goal right now is finishing graduate school.
So, will relaxing and living at home while going to school give you maximum peace? Or staying home and compromising on a natural style that "pleases" ( at least temporarily) your parents? or Working a job to pay your own living expenses, going to school and wearing your natural hair as you please give you the most peace?
Just my opinion.

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

Sorry to hear that.

At the end of the day, it is YOUR life.

Parents will always try and ''plan'' out your life for you. But you have to be strong, and go with your passion, what makes you happy. Usually parents only think about the salary, they don't put into consideration what you enjoy. I can understand if you turned around and told them 'I want to dance on a pole' but you want to stay in school, and they should support you.

I think you should block out all their negative words, I know it'll be hard.. but with time it'll get easier. Try and educate them about natural hair, if that doesn't work... just do the good ol silent treatment. If by you speaking less, you'll get SOME peace.. then just do that. But no, don't move out... just pre-occupy yourself, and give them less chances to attack you.

GL! ... Hope it all works out honey.

 

[CherryCherryBoomBoom]

I think getting a good weave sounds like a good idea - surely your parents wouldn't argue with that? Well, whatever you choose, I wish you luck

 

[Sianna]

This is a tough situation and I'm really sorry you're having to go through it! Based on what I read of your original comment, your parents should be nothing but proud of you. You certainly could be doing a LOT worse for yourself and whether or not they like your natural hair, it seems like they would really take that into consideration.

At any rate, I was thinking the same thing someone else mentioned. You could do a sew-in or a nice wig, either fooling your parents or at the very least presenting yourself in a way that is "acceptable" to them. Perhaps that'll make them back off a bit and you can focus on other things.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do!

 

[ConstantlyDynamic]

thank you ladies so much for responding!

cheliegh and wyrdway- i wanted to get a weave but then i KNOW i'd still get comments. my parents hate all fake hair (braids, weaves, wigs), they hate natural hair (unless it's like 3b or something). i feel like i'd get away with heat-training but idk if my hair could take all of that heat. i get heat damage easily

Yoshi3329- i wish i could stick my ground but they are slowly breaking me down. i have to add that i'm guilty of being a spoiled only child. i think that, as stubborn as i am, the "spoiled only child" part of me still relies on their approval and that part is coming out now

dyh080- that's the thing- i'm not in grad school yet. i'll be working with professors who have tenure at the school that i want to go to but i can't apply until december. i just decided to go to grad school a month ago-before that i was set on med school. that's why i will not be starting school yet. you're right though- i need to think about what will give me maximum peace. it's just hard because i feel like i'm giving in to them and that's not me at all! i'll think about it more

 

[ConstantlyDynamic]

At any rate, I was thinking the same thing someone else mentioned. You could do a sew-in or a nice wig, either fooling your parents or at the very least presenting yourself in a way that is "acceptable" to them. Perhaps that'll make them back off a bit and you can focus on other things.

at first, i didn't think i would get a weave because i wouldn't want to deal with the negative comments (they don't like weaves) BUT now i'm thinking that maybe i could fool them. i'd get a shoulder-length one. i'll think about this too.

thanks for the suggestions everyone

 

[Daeuiel]

My mother pressured me into relaxing my hair about 8 months after I BC'ed 4 years ago. I regret it DEEPLY. She and I still had problems and I eventually moved out anyway. My advice would be to wear your hair the way you want, you could try disguising it with a weave or whatever, but be honest with yourself. Is this the ONLY thing your parents disagree with you about?? Is it REALLY going to guarantee peace and quiet from them?? Is it worth the setback and the knowledge that once you have relaxed to pacify them, every inch of that hair is going to be cut off when you go natural again? It's up to you but if I could go back and do it again, I'd have told my mom to **** off. And moved out with my natural hair, it would have been BSL by now.

 

[silenttullip]

I don't think fooling them is a good idea may create more friction. If you say they like 3bish maybe try a texlax. You can still have your texture and they may be happy about it. If I were you "I'd sit them down and express how bad what they say makes me feel and find out if they were raised in an emotionally abusive home. I use to be that "spoiled only child" too but regardless how much they buy things for you or do things for you nothing beats their unconditional undying love and affection. You have enough to deal with in life without loved ones against you and I'm sure there's a stern but respectful way to express that. Maybe you could also look for a roommate and get a small apartment if you're really determined to stay natural. Like many of us say after relaxing or doing a big chop "it's just hair" and in a way it is meanwhile it's also your crown of glory and regardless of whether it's straight, coiled, or faded it will always be that.

 

[Daeuiel]

silenttullip Yep nothing beats that unconditional love. But is it 'unconditional' if she has to texlax or do anything to her hair in the hopes that her mother won't say, "it's like you're not my daughter anymore" That is so hurtful. It just goes beyond doing whatever you can to make your parents happy. I really wouldn't recommend relaxing or texlaxing because I don't think it will change the way her parents act and it's not what the OP wants for herself. I don't know if there is something else going on but to say that over hair is ridiculous.

 

[Yoshi3329]

@silenttullip

I don't think she should fool her parents. I think that they just want her to have straight hair. This is one way to compromise. She get to keep her hair underneath they way she want, her parent get to see her with straight hair.

Sux donkey @#$%, but hey, at least she'll retain uber length, has a place to stay, and peace in her parents home.

JMHO.

 

[hopeful]

As a mother who just sent my oldest child to college, I am heartbroken for you. Are they seriously that disappointed in you? You want a doctorate in Sociology & you want to wear your natural hair and they are devastated? They are being very unfair and unkind. You sound like a smart young lady who makes wise choices, and is spreading her own beautiful wings.

Please don't relax your hair. Like someone else said they will still not be happy because they want you to be a doctor and they want to control you. Ultimately you may have to become less dependent on them and figure out a way to get your doctorate without their complete and full support. I personally believe relaxing will make you feel worse and you will still have the same controlling, disappointed parents.

 

[Nayna]

I think the issue with your parents is beyond your hair. If you were in med school and they said this it would be a little different. I think the fact that you've completely flipped the script on them is what's going on; your hair is just another factor. If you relax it the bigger issue will still remain. Are you happy with your hair? If so don't change it. Are you happy with your new path? If so keep trucking. Right now they don't understand all this change and that's ok. Reassure them that they've raised a smart, focused and beautiful young lady that knows what she is doing. In the end they just need to trust your choices and respect them just like you need to communicate with them so that they know you aren't off your rocker.

 

[imaccami]

As far as med school goes, I think that you should make sure you're doing what you really want to do and not doing something just to prove to your parents that you're independent and will make your own decisions.

As far as your hair goes, I think you should do whatever makes you happy. My parents never made a big deal about my hair whether it was natural or relaxed. I don't know why some parents try to control every single detail of their children's lives. It would be a lot easier to assert your independence if you lived on your own. I think you should try to get housing on campus with a roommate.

 

[ConstantlyDynamic]

I think the issue with your parents is beyond your hair. If you were in med school and they said this it would be a little different. I think the fact that you've completely flipped the script on them is what's going on; your hair is just another factor. If you relax it the bigger issue will still remain. Are you happy with your hair? If so don't change it. Are you happy with your new path? If so keep trucking. Right now they don't understand all this change and that's ok. Reassure them that they've raised a smart, focused and beautiful young lady that knows what she is doing. In the end they just need to trust your choices and respect them just like you need to communicate with them so that they know you aren't off your rocker.

yeah i thought the hair was a big part of it, but you're right. it isn't. when my mom said "it's like you're not my daughter anymore", just because she was staring at my hair, doesn't mean she was talking about that. i know they do have an issue with my hair but it might not be as intense as they are making it seem.

i really don't mean to make my parents sound horrible because they've done so much for me. my parents were raised in strict households and this is normal to them (to say harsh things to your children in order to set them straight- my African friend said it's the "immigrant mentality"- not sure if that's true). they've just never been that way with me before because my goals always coincided with theirs.

Daeuiel sorry you had to go through that i wouldn't want to regret my decision

hopeful i hope your daughter has a great experience and yes, it really upsets me that they are acting like it's the end of the world. i've accomplished everything that i've set out to so far and they used to be so proud. i wonder if they are actually just afraid- when you go to med school, you KNOW you're going to be some sort of doctor. i feel like they are concerned that my future is up in the air and that isn't what they wanted for me. that might be the real issue

i don't know if more comments came in while i was typing (because i've been mulling over this for an hour lol) but i'm going to move away from the hair issue completely. i see this a bit clearer now. thanks for everyone's response and good wishes. this really helped. i'm just going to leave my hair alone completely, and if i decide to get an SL weave to get some peace, i'll make sure that i'm doing it because i actually want to. i feel better now (plus my mom just apologized-in her own way- for some of the things that my dad said last night)

 

[DDTexlaxed]

OK, just putting it out there. I am sorry you are having trouble at home, but you have to decide what you are going to do to make you happy. If you relax, you will resent your parents. Sometimes letting go is hard for parents, especially if they are strict. Eventually, you have to live with your decisions. Part of the harsh comments may be the struggle for control again since you chose a life course contrary to what they wanted. It may be troublesome to go through, but if you want natural hair, that is what you should stick with. I hope I did not offend you with this post. I hope all works out for you.

 

[hopeful]

((((bkprincess)))). Everything will work out. I'm glad your mom apologized. Take it one day at a time. I am in my 40's and still have to fight the urge to "please" my mother. When she disapproves of my choices it still hurts but I just keep pressing forward. I remind myself that each of us has only one life to live (our own life) and no one has the right to live another person's life. I hope that makes sense. You are on the right path, don't doubt yourself. You are doing exactly what an intelligent young adult woman should be doing: wearing her hair how she likes and selecting/pursuing a career that makes her happy.

 

[Nayna]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I was raised by immigrant parent(s) and I did a lot of things to please them and not myself and in turn I wasted precious time and energy. When I finally "rebelled" my mom thought I was nuts. So I moved out which in turn made her think I was even more nuts, lol. It was the best decision of my life and I was also transitioning my hair at that time. She just saw all these changes in me and it confused her. Now more than 3 years later (it took way less than 3 years for us to get along again, more like a few months) we're good. Sometimes you just have to step back and look at the whole situation and the whole problem.

They aren't trying to hurt you they just don't quite accept change so easily. But you seem really focused and smart I think they will soon see that you aren't crazy, nor are you losing it. You've just rearranged your focus and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[silenttullip]

to the underlined when I spoke of unconditional love I was trying to make the point that she should let them know thats what she needs which is why I included the stuff she has to go through and she doesn't need them against her. It came after the texlax suggestion so the context was "her having a heart to heart" I was responding to the fact that regardless if shes spoiled or not they should love her "unconditionally I hope it makes more sense now.

silenttullip Yep nothing beats that unconditional love. But is it 'unconditional' if she has to texlax or do anything to her hair in the hopes that her mother won't say, "it's like you're not my daughter anymore" That is so hurtful. It just goes beyond doing whatever you can to make your parents happy. I really wouldn't recommend relaxing or texlaxing because I don't think it will change the way her parents act and it's not what the OP wants for herself. I don't know if there is something else going on but to say that over hair is ridiculous.

 

[lynnstar]

bkprincess, you have to do what makes YOU happy. Don't make the mistake of trying to live your life by pleasing (and appeasing) others. You will wake up 5, 10 or 20+ years from now wondering what happened to your life.

And as far as your natural hair is concerned just remember that it is YOUR HAIR....not theirs. It is the hair that God (and their DNA) gave you and its a beautiful thing.

I am so sorry that you are going through this situation but you will get through it. Sending some positive {{{{{{vibes}}}}}} your way.

 

[Vashti]

I think it would be best for you to find a cheap apartment or a place where you can find trustworthy roommates and move out. I think that will give you more peace than the situation you are dealing with now. When people are "breaking you down" it's time to go - even if it's family. Don't stay there and have a nervous breakdown. I don't think you should do anything to your hair to please anyone but you. Your parents raised you but on this issue, their attitude is wrong. It's not like you dropped out of college and just sit around watching tv all day so they need to relax.

Years ago I had a big blow up with my mom and I had to move out of my parents house things were so bad. Sometimes when you move away and get your own space your parents realize how important to them you are. Since you are an only child I'm sure if they have any sense they will change their attitudes when they see you going on with your life and doing what is best for you.

My mom and I are close again. I'm sure your parents will come around after they haven't seen you in a great long while because you are out there living you own life with or without their approval.

 

[Simply_elle]

*hugs*

I see your in BK... A good Dominican blow out wouldn't give you some "relaxed hair" results?? Sorry for my simple reply... lol just thinking

 

[lilsparkle825]

Just wanted to give you a hug and wish you luck. I graduated from college in May 2009, also set on going to medical school, and I am coming to the realization that I may take another path as well. Lean on those who are REALLY there for you and you will get through this....ALL of this.

 

[SEMO]

First, congrats on your academic accomplishments and pursuits.

Second, ((hug)). It sounds like you're in a tough situation. I can't say that you should stay natural or go relaxed (that's ultimately up to you). But I just wonder if there will be unintended consequences if you give in and relax when you don't want to (ex. loss of confidence in knowing what's best for you, feeling more under your parents "thumb", etc.). It would be completely different if you wanted to relax your hair. Then I would tell you to go for it.

But really, just do what makes the best sense to you right now. Like you said, it's not as though you can never go back natural again.

 

[Miss_C]

((((((Hugs)))))) I am also an only child, I understand the need to please your parents. But you are a college graduate and a full on adult.It might be time to move out. A sew in until you can afford to do so sounds like a good idea.

 

[Solitude]

Girl, grad school is expensive. Even if you get a scholarship or fellowship, the struggle is in paying for your living expenses. I've been on my own financially since I was 17 and I simply cannot encourage you to move out.

I'm bold, so if my mama and daddy talked to me like, I'd just stick up for myself *shrug.* But, like I said, I've been grown for a while. (Not that you aren't -clearly you're a grown woman who is making her own decisions & you should stick with them. I just meant that I had my son early and moved out early.)