What is my responsibility as a Christian?

Ms Red

Well-Known Member
What is my responsibility as a Christian in the Midst of Confusion?

I was in a situation a few months ago with a self-professed Christian woman. She is the girlfriend of my boyfriend's identical twin (confusing, I know). I met her about 7 months ago when my bf's brother started dating her. They all previously knew each other because they went to boarding school together from middle school through high school.

Well, me and my bf began going places and doing things with her and his brother-- going out to eat, going to sporting events, football parties, and on New Years Eve when me and my bf went to New York, we let them stay at my apartment for 2 days (they each still live at home). Since we are all in the same age group (24-27), I thought that it was great to have another couple to do things with.

She began calling me on Sundays after church (we go to separate churches) to just talk girltalk (I never called her, it was a bit one sided). She is a youth leader at her church and we would talk about books (The Purpose Driven Life), career goals, family and such. I am a really open and friendly person and I think this could have been an asset and a problem. Well, during our last conversation back in February, she called me after church to talk. We started talking about marriage. She told me that "since I'm almost 27 I cannot wait to get a ring. I have to stop myself since I think about it so much." Well, I just told her not to rush since they had only been dating about 4 months at the time. At that time my bf and I had been dating for 2 years. I implicitly told her that since I am 24, I am not rushing marriage.

She then started complaining that her boyfriend didn't want to go to church. I told her that I was really happy with my bf and thought his spiritual life was growing. We had just started going to church regularly and I told her this also. At this point, I began to think "why does she want to compare notes?" However, I kept talking to her. She went on to tell me that she goes to any hotel with her boyfriend whenever she can since they both live at home and it's hard to have alone time. By this time, I felt uncomfortable and wasn't going to tell her that I am a virgin. I didn't know how she would look upon that so I kept quiet. I didn't judge her or anything close, we just kept talking and laughing about things.

Well, when my bf went to visit his mom, he woke up the next morning with her shaking him. His mother then proceeds to tell him that his twin brother told her that I wanted to get married right away. That I was upset and mad at him for not wanting to go to church. That I always wanted to be alone with him. :eek: These were the things that she told me!!! My bf knew right away that what she told his brother were lies because he knows me better than that. This really hurt me to the core. I couldn't stop thinking what does she have against me all of a sudden? Was she a true Christian who could lie without blinking? Did she get self-conscious and think that I would tell my boyfriend all that she had disclosed? She totally turned the tables on me and made sure to call her BF with this false info. the night that me and her spoke! My bf told me that all throughout the night the phone was ringing and it was her trying to get in (frantic) contact with his brother! Why?

Needless to say, I took it all personally. I called her up that night. I told her "I don't appreciate you telling lies on me to my BF's mother and his brother" I told her "I said none of those things, you said them." and finally i told her "I have a lot of respect for my bf's mother and i don't want her thinking badly of me." We have been together for over 2 yrs. They have been together for 6 months. She agreed and was very apologetic. It didn't make me feel any better because I wanted real answers. An hour later, I got them. She called me screaming and yelling. Cursing. Saying that I should be blaming her boyfriend for the whole mess because he was the one who told his mother. I reiterated that she was the one that started the chaos by lying on me to her bf! I told her God is not the author of confusion and if she had some problem with me (that was unbeknownst to me since we had great conversations), for her to please let me know.

Months went by. My boyfriend got mad at her and his brother b/c he knew that it wasn't true. I got mad at his mom b/c I thought "this lady has known me over 2 years and she still doesn't know what kind of woman I am?" I got mad at his brother b/c I thought why on Earth did he tell his mother this?? He must really hate me or really thought all of those lies were true! God began to work on my relationship with my boyfriend's twin. He would call me and we would end up talking about work or something and it was like normal. Or we would see each other at the mom's house and have a pretty decent conversation. But something in my gut kept bothering me about his girlfriend.

Then after 4 or 5 months of the silence and strangeness, me and my bf went over to his mom's house for memorial day. Who was there but the brother's girlfriend. I had been praying for a breakthru. Praying to Jehovah Belparazim for some type of revelation. Was it me? Did I do something wrong?

Well, she walked right past me and let out a loud "excuse me!" I just looked at her and shook my head. She had an attitude the whole day and stayed upstairs away from all of the family (except her bf). My bf and I gave her a ride home b/c she doesn't have a car and she let out a phony "Well thanks you all for the ride. It was so conveinient(sp)!" :confused: This was the last straw for me. I just cannot figure it out and maybe it's not supposed to be solved...

Im sorry for the long post ladies, but this has been on my heart and I wanted to share and ask for prayer and advice. Thanks for reading. :Rose:
 
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Re: What is my responsibility as a Christian in the Midst of Confusion?

Just keep praying about the situation and God will give you a revelation about it. Sometimes you have to love people from afar. And she seems like one of those people from the way you describe her. Let God have is way with her and you keep being you. People like that never get away with something, they just get by.
 
Re: What is my responsibility as a Christian in the Midst of Confusion?

Have things since improved between you & your boyfriend's mother? I'd work on that relationship first and just keep the other girl at a nice distance. I wouldn't offer rides to her either, whether she had a car or not. This situation is sticky and who knows? She could have hopped out of your car and immediately started plotting again. Just be cordial but refrain from having any communication with her whatsoever. If all of you guys are in the same house, its okay to speak, but do not give her invitations into your personal space or happenings - even if it is just a ride home. Your boyfriend should do the same.
 
The thing that popped into my mind was that she either wants the brother you are dating or is jealous of your relationship with your bf and his family. Some folx always have to be the queen bee. If they have spoken well of you when you werent around in her presence she probably got a lil envious. When you carry yourself well some folx do their best to try to show you in a bad light. Just continue to do what you are doing, and pray for your resolution. God will make sure you are not deceived.
 
Very good analysis Enchantmt. Pray and ask God to direct you in this situation. Continue to be polite and avoid unnecessary confrontations.

Enchantmt said:
The thing that popped into my mind was that she either wants the brother you are dating or is jealous of your relationship with your bf and his family. Some folx always have to be the queen bee. If they have spoken well of you when you werent around in her presence she probably got a lil envious. When you carry yourself well some folx do their best to try to show you in a bad light. Just continue to do what you are doing, and pray for your resolution. God will make sure you are not deceived.
 
I concur with the excellent advice that the ladies have already given. Try not to direct your anger at bf's mom, b/c after all she is only repeating what she was told and though she might have known you for a while, she has known her sons for umteen years and are probably quite protective of them. When I read your thread, all I could see was green green green from this young woman. I suggest that you stay in prayer about this situation. She knows that she was in error or she wouldn't have the need to be nasty. And every time she sees you it reminds her just how wrong she is. So don't even let it bother you, just keep praising God and be a fine example of what a woman of God is suppose to be. Who knows, God could use your character and conduct to change her heart.
 
Thank you all for your wonderful responses. I am staying prayerful of this whole situation and fasting and praying on some days.

I am just keeping my distance from the girlfriend, while being myself with bf's family. Thank you again. . . that was some wonderful advice. :kiss:
 
Cup cake ,

People with personality disorders are experts at getting into descent peoples lives to only reak havoc and confusion. They are controlling and manipulative. They feed off of others this way. If she married into that family she will have a life time supply of good people to destroy. The fact that you are so unaware of what you have done (which was only being unaware of the control) is a good indication that this is the case. In a short time she has caused discord and untrust, frustration and anger in what had been a nice family. You can pray for her but educate your self on it alittle to be just a prudent a Christian as a loving one. This is not a normal situation. You will never figure it out till you have some idea what you are dealing with. If getting your bf would feed this then she would try it. Sounds like she is enjoying having sown the seed of discord in the family. To break up to brothers who got along well would be a feather in her cap. For example passive agressives feed off of making others angry and frustrated do to there fear of showing anger. They will lie, cheat and sacrifice all to keep that going. They are ellceent at dividing and turning people against others. Its real and it sounds like she has a major problem with a disorder. Go to the following web site. Its for passive aggression but it also gets into basic personality disorders. www.passiveagressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html
scroll down to personality disorders. Its informative. Pray for her but there is major cause for concern of her ability to destroy a good family. I been there, they are not crazy but do have distructive personality issues. The sad part is they often never run out of people to use. The only way they seek help is when the games don;t work and life closes in forcing them to see there is a problem. Unfortunately most of the time they move on and can find plenty of unsuspecting nice people to start all over. God bless
 
That link doesn't work, do you have another?

I think I'd leave her alone and try to ignore her.

I like your assessments Enchtmt and Vintage. I have a acquantaince at church who I'm beginning to see has to be the queen bee and it makes me totally shut down. Whenever I'm outspoken she starts acting funny. I saw this clearer for the first time this weekend, and I'm like what did I do. She started giving me funny looks, taking cracks (not your normal stuff, but mean and deliberate things) at me, and doing her best to prove that she was closer to the people there than I was. I thought it was because she was young and at that selfish age. So thanks for the analysis ladies.
 
VintageCoilyLocks, thank you for your thoughtful response. I like the idea of becoming a "prudent" Christian.

Someone asked how my relationship is with my boyfriend's mother... hmmm.. good question. It's really not all that great. Even though I have given her no reason to dislike me, I sense that she does. When my boyfriend and I go to church (he did not regularly go since childhood), she disapproves. She herself claims that she is a Christian and she will sometimes say things like "If it wasn't for God..." But I still am unsure. In the two and a half years that I've known her she has not attended church... but I cannot judge.

At first I thought that she was extremely over protective. But I am starting to wonder if that is truly the case. I still just mind my business and keep prayerful (with my eyes open).
 
Cupcake-

I think everyone has given you great advice so far and you should be able to handle anything that comes your way with grace. I sense a little envy from your bf's mother too b/c it seems as if your bf has grown in the Lord by watching and being helped by you, not his mother. Birds of a feather do flock together, and this may be the case with you the girl and the mother.
 
I believe that this woman was self-conscious after she told you all of that and was afraid that you would go and tell her bf, because she was projecting her own personality on to you...she thought that's what I would do and assumed you would, too. So, she wanted to beat you to the punch and put it all on you.

She doesn't sound like she's got it all together in her head, for someone to lie about you and tell the whole conversation but put you in her place is a little crazy.
 
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