"YOU DON'T TRUST GOD!!!!!!!!!" (I have to get this off my chest)

[Koffie]

As some of you know, I have had some BAD things happen to me at the hands of another human being. I have NEVER formed a deeper hate for ANYONE than I have for this person.

And yes, what caused me to feel this way happened when I was six years of age.

I have found myself being mad at God for allowing this to go down, and wondered why I had to suffer at the hands of this person.

And all the while I am TIRED of folx blaming SATAN for this person's behavior. i.e. ( folx telling me "The devil used him")DAMN THAT!!!

HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING AND HAD FREE WILL TO DO SO!!!!!!!

I am tired of folx telling me that it's my fault that I have had a problem moving forward because I allow this to hinder me, and the devil knows this situation is my weak area. I am tired of being told that he (MY ASSAULTER) has moved on with his life and is not thinking about what he did to me. I am tired of the fact that he did not have to feel the pain he left me with after fulfilling his sick pervert desires. I am tired of feeling like the situation is my fault when the fact remains (HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TOUCHED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE)
I am tired of being in a mental prison! (dealing with flashbacks of the incident)
I am tired of folx who this didn't happen to telling me to pray and move on (IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO GIVE THAT ADVICE WHEN IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO YOU)

I am tired of folx telling me that I should pray that he may be blessed and have his territory enlarged when he put this burden on me (AT THE AGE OF 6!)

I AM TIRED OF FOLX MINIMIZING MY PAIN!

I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE ACTING LIKE ALL HE NEEDED WAS A SLAP ON THE WRIST.

I AM TIRED OF BEING AFRAID OF MEN

I AM TIRED OF THE SLIGHTEST TOUCH FROM A MAN PISSING ME OFF

I AM TIRED OF REMEMBERING HOW IT FELT WHEN HE DID IT

I AM TIRED OF TAKING 2-3 SHOWERS A DAY BECAUSE "I FEEL DIRTY'

I AM TIRED OF HIM! I AM TIRED OF KNOWING THAT I GOT STUCK WITH THE PAIN OF HIS ACTIONS.

I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME HE PROBABLY DOESN'T REMEMBER WHAT HE DID. (THAT MEANS HE DOESN'T CARE imho)

WHAT THIS PERSON DID TO ME WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE. AND I HAVE HAD PLENTY MORE BAD, BUT THIS TAKES THE CAKE

AND FOR FOLX TO TELL ME THAT "HE DOESN'T REMEMBER REALLY PISSES ME OFF!"


And getting back to the title of the thread. I was talking to this dude for a little while and I had let him know about the situation and to make a long story short, he shouted at me "YOU DON'T TRUST GOD"

That really pissed me off because 'ole boy didn't know my hurt.

 

[NewlyNature12]

I don't really know how to respond to this, but I really am praying for you.
Whoever angers you controls you. Please don't give that man that kind of power.

 

[Poohbear]

I hate that you are going thru this Koffie. Whatever you do, do not let others keep telling you things that condone his wrongdoing.

It seems like they do not realize how devastating the consequences of that assaulter's sin was. Sin should anger us and it always hurts someone else! Matthew 5:29-30 talks about the dangers of tolerating sin.

I agree with you that it's not just Satan to blame... it's this assaulter's fault as well!

Whatever you do, do not let this situation--that happen to you when you were 6 years old--control you. This man was wrong and you had NO FAULT in this whatsoever!!!

May God bless you and your life.

 

[webby]

I AM TIRED OF FOLX MINIMIZING MY PAIN!

Koffie, this is one of the most powerful statements that you or anyone else can say to me. I believe that each person has a cross to bare and that no one person's pain is greater/lesser than the next.

What EVER your hurt, you are right that it should NOT be minimalized.

HOWEVER, only you can walk your journey with the Lord.

Let me share a little something.

I had a pretty lucrative career, was happy and knew the Lord since I was a kid. I never imagined that He would take my livelyhood away in a split second. I walked out of my house one July afternoon, never to return the same. Someone ran a red light; I was involved in a bad car wreck and my life, as I knew it, was never the same.
I was so angry with the Lord, I begged for Him to take my life so that I could personally tell Him off.

It took a very long time for me to understand His blessing, but my accident was no accident, but rather God's way of slowing me down long enough to touch my life. He didn't want me to wander through my life without purpose, so He fixed it where I would HAVE to rely on Him.

Whatever God's plan for you...right now, you may not see it and none of has any right to trivialize your suffering, but believe...better yet KNOW that He most certainly has a plan for you.

Be blessed

 

[Koffie]

Koffie, this is one of the most powerful statements that you or anyone else can say to me. I believe that each person has a cross to bare and that no one person's pain is greater/lesser than the next.

What EVER your hurt, you are right that it should NOT be minimalized.

HOWEVER, only you can walk your journey with the Lord.

Let me share a little something.

I had a pretty lucrative career, was happy and knew the Lord since I was a kid. I never imagined that He would take my livelyhood away in a split second. I walked out of my house one July afternoon, never to return the same. Someone ran a red light; I was involved in a bad car wreck and my life, as I knew it, was never the same.
I was so angry with the Lord, I begged for Him to take my life so that I could personally tell Him off.

It took a very long time for me to understand His blessing, but my accident was no accident, but rather God's way of slowing me down long enough to touch my life. He didn't want me to wander through my life without purpose, so He fixed it where I would HAVE to rely on Him.

Whatever God's plan for you...right now, you may not see it and none of has any right to trivialize your suffering, but believe...better yet KNOW that He most certainly has a plan for you.

Be blessed

at the bold part, but on a serious note, I feel that I have told God off plenty in my anger about the situation.

I feel like life is unfair and I have shouted at God how much I hate life at this point and how much I hate the ways of man, including myself.


I found myself miserable and depressed, all while hearing "He moved on with his life and you are the only one suffering."

I have found myself saying to GOD "Why did you allow _______ to do this?"

and "Why did he not have to feel my hurt 10 fold?" (AFTER ALL, HE DID THIS NOT ME!)

I have found myself wondering why it was soooo hard for people to understand why I wanted holes shot in his flesh, and wanted destruction on him. But NOOOOOO, I'm in the wrong because I am pained and I should just want life to be roses and daisies for him, while I'm in a mental hell. BS! Let's be real folx!

Every time I hurt about this situation, someone is right there to tell me that I have wronged other people too! Trying to make it seem like since I'm a sinner, then what he did is all fine and dandy.

 

[webby]

I found myself miserable and depressed, all while hearing "He moved on with his life and you are the only one suffering."

I bet there's not a woman on this board, better yet, a woman alive, who has not questioned how "he could move on..."

But Koffie, you'll be stronger one day and the thought of the person who pained you, may still conjure up negative feelings, but the thought won't totally consume you. I promise you that your suffering will deminish, but only when you reach the place that He wants you to be.

Until then, vent...but don't lose your faith in Him, because He hasn't lost His love for you.

 

[Koffie]

I bet there's not a woman on this board, better yet, a woman alive, who has not questioned how "he could move on..."

But Koffie, you'll be stronger one day and the thought of the person who pained you, may still conjure up negative feelings, but the thought won't totally consume you. I promise you that your suffering will deminish, but only when you reach the place that He wants you to be.

Until then, vent...but don't lose your faith in Him, because He hasn't lost His love for you.

Thank you webby,

I would also like to thank Camille and Pooh, to all of you

 

[Bunny77]

Koffie, I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did. And I'm sorry that this monster left you with this burden.

What I have to say is off topic, but I hope that you seek counseling to help you cope with your pain. I know that it will never go away, but I know that talking about things with the right person can really help in the healing process. One of my best guy friends went through something similar and it was eating him up inside (still does at times, obviously), but he's been a lot better since he's been able to talk with a professional and get help for his depression.

Prayer is great. Attending church is great. But don't feel that you can't also seek help through a counselor, etc.

You may be already doing this already, but just throwing this out there if you haven't.

Big cyber hug to you...
Bunny77

 

[kisz4tj]

Koffie I'll be praying that you can move beyond this tragedy. Not because its trivial, but because you'll never be complete in your life if you don't. I pray that God will grant you peace that surpasses understanding. Know that when you cry he cries with you and bottles all your tears. You are his child and no unjust that is done to you will go without punishment. You may not see vengeance on your behalf, but know that it is the Lords.

 

[Honeyhips]

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say, but continue to vent when you need to. I am so sorry the minimized your pain, and turned him into a victim as well. THey had no right to do that to you. Your feelings are real and should be acknowledged.

Is it ok for us to yell and scream at God about how we are feeling? If so, tell him everything you told us.

THe devil may have influenced him but this man still did it and he had a way of escape before he hurt you. You are right he acted on his own free will.

Just remember God is just. It may look like this jerk got away with what he did, but he never will.

I don't know why people have to remind you that you've hurt others. What does that have to do with this situation. Nothing? It sounds like the people around you are trying to pacify their own feelings of guilt for the part they did or did not play in this situation, by keeping you from feeling your pain. Or they just don't know how to deal with this and don't know what to tell you. So they want you to bury your feelings hoping that that will make them go away.

I'm so sorry. I am angry for you, and I want to shoot the holes in him myself. So imagine how God your Father feels.

I do want you to work on forgiving him. Ask God to help you, or tell God that you can only do it with his grace. Forgiveness does not release him from what he did to you. It only keeps you from having a hard heart and becoming bitter. I'm not saying that you are, right now I think you are just hurt and haven't fully been able to express it. Definitely see a counselor if you can or haven't.

Oh and trust, this man hasn't forgotten. It may not come into play in his daily life, he may never acknowledge it, but he knows what he did. He may have tried to bury it and thinks he got off easy, or even tells lies to himself to make him feel better, but he knows what he did. He will not get off.

 

[melodee]

Koffie, look how many woman got yo back, girl. We are all praying for you to be able to rise above.

I know that it's tough when something like this happens. Feelings/visions are hard to keep from recurrin. Just remember to call our Jesus's name when it happens, He will work wonders for you.

Don't let people make you feel bad. You kow how you feel, and it will get better. God can perform miracles for you, and I will pray that He does it soon.

 

[Koffie]

kisz4tj: Thank you sister. You reminded me of what my pastor told us about bottling up tears.

Honeyhips: Your encouragement is VERY powerful. Thank you for your compassion.


melodee: Thanks for reminding me that you all have my back Thank you for reminding me how good GOD really is.

Bunny: Thank you also. And I am in search of a good counselor right now. I am waiting patiently for the rigt one.

 

[MrsQueeny]

Dear Koffie my heart ached for you as I read your post. Probably because I was reading a part of my life. I went through not one but 2 similar situations like you did. For a long time I was mad with GOD, men, and the world. I decided to live life on my own terms. The thing about the devil is that he works both ways. He knew that the hurt, pain, and anger I felt would be the thing to keep me from GOD. So yes people said all of the dumb things they have said to you which made me even more angry and kept me from GOD. Finally I realized which was so hard, that yes they do move on although they have hurt you. And yes it makes you mad that they could do that. But, I refused to let them victimize me all over again. I refuse to let them hurt me by keeping me from people and GOD. Yes it was a long and hard process and I have even forgiven them. Not for them but for me. I have joy in knowing that GOD is truly just and that his vengance is better than anything I could ever think to do. I have the joy of knowing that one day I will see Jesus and all my worries and hurt will be gone. I have joy in knowing that my testimony will be a blessing to other girls. I have the joy of knowing that I defeated the devil who tried to destroy me and my destiny. I will be praying for you. Q

 

[Koffie]

Dear Koffie my heart ached for you as I read your post. Probably because I was reading a part of my life. I went through not one but 2 similar situations like you did. For a long time I was mad with GOD, men, and the world. I decided to live life on my own terms. The thing about the devil is that he works both ways. He knew that the hurt, pain, and anger I felt would be the thing to keep me from GOD. So yes people said all of the dumb things they have said to you which made me even more angry and kept me from GOD. Finally I realized which was so hard, that yes they do move on although they have hurt you. And yes it makes you mad that they could do that. But, I refused to let them victimize me all over again. I refuse to let them hurt me by keeping me from people and GOD. Yes it was a long and hard process and I have even forgiven them. Not for them but for me. I have joy in knowing that GOD is truly just and that his vengance is better than anything I could ever think to do. I have the joy of knowing that one day I will see Jesus and all my worries and hurt will be gone. I have joy in knowing that my testimony will be a blessing to other girls. I have the joy of knowing that I defeated the devil who tried to destroy me and my destiny. I will be praying for you. Queneesha

Thank you sis-in-Christ. I also hope and pray that your work in ministry is full of blessings for you and others, and that your territory is enlarged.

 

[star]

Koffie, I hear your pain and you know I love you to death. But you must be careful who tell your story to. Although what he said seem logical it sould like it had no love in when it came out. He must understand that correction also comes with direction mixed with love. There was no love how he said this. I say look past the person and pray for him that he does not go around hurting other people. One of my biggest mistakes was telling my story to the wrong people. Hurting people hurt other people. So people are just not sensitive to the Holy spirit's wisdom or discernment to tell others what to do.

 

[beauty]

Hi Koffie

The first thing I did when I read your post was call my little girl(she is 4) and hug her and tell her I love her.
Has anybody hugged you told you that they truly love you?.....If not I love you.

Have you been held and allowed to mourn? It was a death of a precious gift.
Please even if someone is not there to hold you, mourn take a day or two. Really let it out just like if it was a physical relative who is dear to your heart has died because in actual fact that is kindof what has happened.

Koffie know that when it happened God saw, it broke His Heart, it made Him cry, it hurt Him too because as Jesus said and this showed hom much He loved children and their beautiful purity in Matt 19:14 "let the children come unto me". Then in Matt 18:1-7 when He used the child as an example of what we are supposed to be. He would not say something and use it as an example if it was not precious and dear to his heart(you are precious). We see the reward of sin of such nature in that chapter too. Take heart God loves you.

The devil is in the world seeking who he may use to kill steal and destroy( your attacker was guilty and was also being used) from God's Children(you included).

Sin in any nature is ugly and reaps ugly benefits in people's lives, whether it is the person doing it or the victim(in this instance you and God because when we sin we are ultimately sinning against Him) that is why Jesus died on the cross. So that by His stripes you are healed.

Thank God that you did not die in this attack even though it was heart wrenching know that you were in His hands all the time every minute of that ordeal YOU WERE IN HIS HANDS and He saved your life .

With that said let us look at the word again in Jer 18:1-6 this confirms in verse 6 you were and still are in His Hands.
Look closely He also said that because He was using the example of what the potter did with the vessel in verse 4 when the potter even though the vessel was spoiled he reworked it into another that was good in His sight. God is not finished with you yet He will rework you even though you have been marred.

God will take those ashes from that death and give you beauty(Isaiah 61:3)

With the forgiveness part all you have to do is say I forgive X(say his name).

Then God will take care of your heart, your feelings when you......

Release it to Him, let it go to Him, Say it to Him God I give you this pain, this hurt, This awful, rotten, festering sore that today is still raw that needs Your Blood to wash it. Tell him about the uglyness of it He Knows and He can take it infact He wants to take it, He was there but you need to surrender it to Him so He can remake you like the potter.

God will take this ugly(because the world has ugly things in it) and use it so that as some of the ladies said He can use it so that some little girl, boy, some woman who has not let go of that hurt too someway, someday in our tomorrow can go on in this world because this is where we are comissioned to stay for now trusting God with hope, reworked lives even though the scars are there until Jesus returns.

Be blessed my sister and know that your scars are beautiful and not in vain(Look at Jesus's hands, sides we can call God Abba Father through them and be saved from Eternal damnation and live in eternity which is what we were all comissioned to do and want to have.)

Let God have them(1Peter5:7) and seek even though it is painful the Master Plan that He has for your life because He knew you before the foundations of the earth was laid just like He told Jeremiah in Jer 1:5) and He is confident that His Grace is sufficient to see you through. His ways are not our ways(Jer29:11) and your final outcome is what matters, His arm is not shortened Today, Yesterday or Tomorrow He can and will wipe the tears from your eyes, your heart. Just give it to Him say it to him, Break it down to Him. Just say it to Him for in and of yourself you cannot put it away but He can heal, restore, set free, break you free from the prison because Jesus came to set the captives free(Eph 4:8) and give gifts to men. Your new gift will be sweeter.

I love you and will keep praying for you your sister -in- Christ.
M

 

[Phoenix]

The first thing I want you to know is that you are not alone. Unfortunately what happened to you happens to more little girls (and boys) than we realize. I work for CPS and literally everyday I see little children who walk around with such pain and confusion because of what some sick person (or people) did to them.

Just know that you don't have to let this haunt you for the rest of your life. You can be free of this. You obviously have a relationship with God. Do you have a trusted pastor you can talk to? I see you're looking for a good counselor. Is there a college or university near where you live? In my experience university counseling centers usually have good, well trained psychologists. Even if you don't choose to see one of their counselors...it is a good place to go to get referrals.

I'll keep you in my prayers.