Is it okay to feel guilty about being relaxed?

To be relaxed is beautiful.To be natural is beautiful. Neither is better then the other.
Its just hair.

Don't feel guilty about your decision. Your hair is awesome and thriving quite nicely. I follow your channel and watched your hair come so far. Your hair is your business and the weight of the type 4C hair community SHOULD NOT be on your shoulders. The only head of hair you should be worried about is your own and if you prefer that said head of hair relaxed, then so be it. Relieve yourself of the guilt and learn to embrace what you love and if relaxing is that, then LET THAT CREAMY CRACK FLAG FLY HUNTY !

I've been in your shoes before and while I loved being Natural, I prefer my hair relaxed. Do I regret my decision? I did at some points and even attempted to transition again, but like @sunnieb I left that mindset behind. I embraced what I loved and my hair is loving me for it.

If the natural movement has taught me anything, its the message that you should never be ashamed of your hair. It came about because women were fed up of feeling pressured to keep their hair a certain way because of what society is telling them. The aim isn't to make someone feel pressured in a different direction, but to remove the pressure altogether.


Your body is not a political statement. It's yours to do with as you please with. If you want to go back natural, that's always and option for you, but no-one (inc yourself) should make you feel guilty for the choices you make regarding your body. Everyone has down days re. their hair. Do something special with it give it a fortnight and see if you feel the same way. on a personal level, it's just hair. YOUR hair to be exact.

Is something else going on in with you to make you feel like this? This just maybe a sympton of other things going on with you.

I subbed to your channel and you have even given me advice about taking care of 4c hair and seeing your videos reasured me that 4c can grow long I have never seen long 4c hair before, so I think you have already achieved what you set out to do with shining a light on healthy hair practices for our hair type.

I am natural and I am going to stay natural. I totally understand about the maintenance of 4c hair, it can be difficult and I am STILL learning. I too get frustrated with it and wonder why it's so fragile and why it meshes together and all that crazy stuff, but I still love it.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you are not a spokeswoman for the 4c ladies, you are just you with great advice! No need to feel pressured. Your enjoying your hair straight, be happy. You deserve that much to yourself.

I honestly don't see why you need to be part of any "movement" just do you, no need to feel guilty about it. I know I don't

No whip that hair

Adding Lucie since she went from natural to relaxed and seems very happy with her decision

OP don't feel guilty, just do you. Relaxing is a permanent thing so make sure this is what you want.

Do you ever straighten your hair? I only ask because some people get caught up in the natural hair "movement" and don't allow for straight styles, which frustrates them because they feel their choices are limited.

Go ahead and relax if that's what you prefer. If you change your mind you can always transition.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

Bottom Line, 4b/c NATURAL HAIR IS WORK, and if you feel that its too much work for you at this time, be relaxed. Its not worth your SANITY. Relaxed hair is EASIER, and there is nothing wrong with wanting easy hair. So, enjoy it because I am sure you will go back to natural at some point and enjoy that, and then get tired of it and do something else. That's the nature of things. Hair should be synonymous with fun as an expression of who you are at the moment, not guilt.

^^^ I totally agree. My relaxed hair was soooo much more easier to manage because I never had major tangles or shrinkage. It was EASY to comb and style and just regular maintenance.

With my natural hair its like a puzzle, I have to do things to make it work for a style. It does take time, but once I have a style I don't need to do much with it. I keep it simple and understanding it a lot more

@JudithO Thank you for starting this thread. It came at the right time for me.

I am relaxed and I have felt the total opposite from you.

Lately, I began to really entertain the idea of transitioning to natural.....But I began to feel guilty:

1. Like I would be letting the relaxed nation down

2. That my statement would be that relaxed hair could not be healthy, so I needed to let it go, that I was not willing to put in the work......

3. That I would be letting my buddies down on the Relaxed Buddy Thread

4. I really had in my mind that I would be a sell out (nuts, I know)

and on and on and on.

But this thread and a few others have slapped me back into my reality:

1. I love being relaxed

2. I admire natural hair, but I am not willing to put in the time, the work I will do, but to double the time that I have to do the work is not feasible and I see that the reward (styling) can be very short lived (humidity, etc.).

3. I am only a year into my HHJ, so I am still establishing a solid plan with my relaxed hair (all of these product formula changes 'ain't making it easy)

4. I am not ready or willing to start over learning to care for a different monster.

5. I got into this game to have healthier hair, with length following. If I can't see my progress, without using heat, discouragement will most assuredly follow.

6. Most of all, bump what others have to say.

Guilty? About hair. No way. Guilt about committing a crime, certainly. But guilt about making a hair choice, no way. I have a YouTue channel and suggest you promptly block anyone who is being over the top. I don't mind a good debate in the comments but do understand the term "natural hair Nazi" and why it's used.

I'm 4a and know that it takes a long time to find products and a solid regimen. I have a pantry full of hair products to prove it. I haven't relaxed since 2007 but if I felt managing my 4a hair was becoming a chore, I'd relax again. I had healthy relaxed hair and now healthy natural hair. I can go either way and there would be no guilt for me at all.

I don't understand some of these natural nazis. In the end, it's your hair. So if being relaxed makes you happy, by all means, enjoy without the guilt! Some people get better health and length retention with relaxed hair. After all, it's just hair. One thing about being natural it's not going anywhere just as sure as the hair grows out of your scalp.

I'm sure however you choose to have your hair, it looks beautiful!

I will bet being natural for some is a phase anyway once years two and three set in and reality hits of how much work it really can be.

Guilty? Not one dang bit! I will shave it off again. Keep it like that for a while and relax when I feel like it all over again. I realize I am a chronic BCer and love to relax when the mood suits me.

BostonMaria, you know me well.

I am enjoying my texlaxed/relaxed hair and hope to be back in the long hair club really soon.

4B natural hair was cool, and a great learning experience but I grew tired of 'fighting' with my hair. Hair is not supposed to be an area of strain/stress- at least not for me.

If I ever decide to transition and go natural again then I will. Its my hair, my decisions.

Don't feel guilty. The people who followed you as a natural, have other natural 4bs that they are also watching. Trust- They are not losing any sleep. So neither should you.

I remember some of your natural posts- you were not happy. If relaxed hair makes you happy- then good.

No one deserves or is due an explanation about what is growing out of your scalp.

Why do women love to embrace guilt? No it's not okay to feel guilty for doing something that is your business and doesn't affect anyone but you.

Anyway, I'm natural and I love it. I was relaxed for thirty years and I only loved my hair right after I left the salon. Do what makes you feel beautiful.

Please don't feel guilty for something that makes you happy. I have been both natural and relaxed and I finally went with what works best for me. Natural hair IS time consuming and so if you are happier going with a perm than do that. I would bet anyone that some of those same followers that have watched you grow as a natural woman are considering going with a perm just like you did. In fact, if you added the change to your YouTube channel you would increase the amount of women that follow you.

Thanks ladies for all the positive responses.... Appreciate it....

The guilt doesn't come from what people think.... Believe me, I'm over that....

The guilt mainly stems from me feeling that we haven't quite figured this hair texture completely when it comes to easy maintenance and beautiful styling (other than braids, twists etc) ..... I know I can grow my natural hair to waist length easy if I try again (many pple have done it) ... But the problem is not growing it long, it's how to achieve that long hair while wearing it out.... Looking outwardly amazing enough to have a corporate executive meeting... Having a super easy, short, and effective wash routine... I mean this is not too much to ask ei... + my career situation changed... I left corporate America, started a phd, and feel like now I truly have the chance to truly try to figure it out given I don't have the pressure to constantly look super put together... I feel like once I graduate I won't have this same flexibility to try to figure it out.. Hence why i feel pressure to do something now I guess...

For those that asked about straightening/heat training.... My hair is too fine and kinky at the same time, heat destroys my natural and relaxed hair.... Regardless of my texture, heat is a no-no for me.... So if I go back natural, wearing it straight is outta the question unlike relaxed hair that i can roller set or air dry and lightly flat iron.

yaya24 said:

I am enjoying my texlaxed/relaxed hair and hope to be back in the long hair club really soon.

4B natural hair was cool, and a great learning experience but I grew tired of 'fighting' with my hair. Hair is not supposed to be an area of strain/stress- at least not for me.

If I ever decide to transition and go natural again then I will. Its my hair, my decisions.

Don't feel guilty. The people who followed you as a natural, have other natural 4bs that they are also watching. Trust- They are not losing any sleep. So neither should you.

I remember some of your natural posts- you were not happy. If relaxed hair makes you happy- then good.

No one deserves or is due an explanation about what is growing out of your scalp.

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Heeeeyyyy........ Where have you been?

JudithO I have worked in corporate America and UK with my natural hair. Rocked braids and twists and puffs and never felt less than elegant nor has anyone ever made a comment that made me feel I wasn't well put together. I honestly don't understand that way of thinking at all that makes people feel they cannot rock braids or twists and look corporate smart.

Now I will admit that I have seen some braid-out/twist-outs that look like unkempt hair. Make it look like Celie braids unraveled as one slept and one forgot to groom the hair before leaving home. And if that's folks' idea of wearing hair out, then I can understand them not being acceptable coz I don't find some -outs presentable. I went to school where wearing hair out everyday was the norm and none of those dos I am referring would've been tolerated. Our hair had to look uniform and groomed not all willy nilly. BTW, not all -outs are ugly. Just some.

Another thing I want to point out is to me the idea of wearing hair out day-in, day-out was never something our hair was meant to do. If you go down in hair history in Africa, hair grew to great lengths before white folk came to insist we adopt their ways because folks styled it and left it alone. You can see long lengths in people who haven't adopted Western ways like the Himba of southern Africa or the Maasai men who grow locs then unravel them and braid...coz rather than try to copy ideas that work for other textures, they do what is normal and right for their hair, ie low manipulation. I think we get into problems when we try to force our hair to behave like another type/texture. I honestly never stress about my hair coz I let it teach me about itself rather than trying to force it to do stuff that may not be normal to it.

Now of course some people have learned low manipulation without braiding or twisting, like bunning. So if they can make that work then they are still doing right by their hair by not bothering it all the darn time.

As for not understanding our texture, not sure why you feel that is a reason to feel guilty. Write a book or keep a blog and let that be your contribution to educating the masses. But like I said, our hair isn't such a complex thing like some folks make it out to be. We are the ones who complicate it by trying to force it to do things that aren't it. When I read Yassylane's fotki, I see a woman who isn't having a hard time with her hair, yet she wears it out everyday. Notice also how simple her regimen is: http://public.fotki.com/yassylane/. I don't follow Kimmaytube but what made me notice her even before her name was known on forums was how "comfortable" she seemed to be with her hair. The early video of how she washed her hair and then stretched it progressively over the week was the video that caught my attention coz to me that is how easy caring for our hair should be. She didn't have 836819937 steps to her regimen--just like Yassylane--and her hair was thriving.

JudithO I remembered when you went back to relax hair; it was around the same time I was contemplating it as well. But I decided to texlax, it was my happy medium between natural and relax. Texlax helped relieved me of some of those issues I had being natural.

It sounds like to me that you are missing your curlsmore so than anything else.

Why not rod up your hair to a 4b curl pattern and style it? That way you can get a better perspective on what you REALLY want with your hair.

I actually hate when people get so caught up in the "movement" of it. For me, it wasn't a pro-black thing, it was a self-discovery thing. Then again, I went natural back when it still wasn't so popular...like 10+years ago. Now it's a trendy thing and I don't like that. It's a personal journey and personal decision.

I actually love natural looks and think they go better with my care-free style/personality, but for me maintenance was a little more than I wanted at the time and I just think any type of hair is a lil hard to manage in that in-between stage. I would go natural again if it worked practically for me in my schedule, but it doesn't right now...at least the looks/styles/upkeep that I want. I do plan to rock "natural" looks even with relaxed hair though.

Judy, my love!!

I would feel guilty if I were to ever relax. I have daughter who I'm teaching to love herself, hair included. I would feel like I'm setting a bad example for her by not embracing my own hair. Staying is beyond me at this point so yes I would feel a lot of guilt about it.

I wouldn't feel guilty. How you wear your hair is a personal choice. I think with the "natural movement," if that's what you want to call it, it's great in that blk women are learning to appreciate their hair and realize that straight hair is not the only way to be beautiful or professional. So as a mindset I think it's wonderful. However, being relaxed does not mean that a person doesn't have those same positive feelings about their own hair. It simply means that for whatever reason, their preference is to be relaxed. It may be because natural hair styling and maintenance is too time consuming for them, or that they don't enjoy or even like the hairstyles, or it may just be that they prefer straight hair, etc. None of those reasons are bad; they are individual. I think that's the one bad thing about the "movement." IMO, it should be about expanding your mind and knocking down barriers to perceptions of beauty. But it should not make anyone who chooses to be relaxed, re-relax, or remain relaxed feel guilty. It's all a personal choice. That's my two cents .

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

LivingInPeace said:

Why do women love to embrace guilt? No it's not okay to feel guilty for doing something that is your business and doesn't affect anyone but you.

Anyway, I'm natural and I love it. I was relaxed for thirty years and I only loved my hair right after I left the salon. Do what makes you feel beautiful.

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Yes!!! My bottom line!

A few years ago I went natural because my hair was falling out like crazy! The culprit, I believe, was a new med. Anyway, years of relaxing changed the texture of my hair (in my opinion) to a super coiled-4c. Although I loved my natural, neck-length hair, It would take forever to comb out only for it to tangle immediately after I detangled. Nothing would work to remedy this problem. I tried many recommendations on this board. I didn't mind my hair in its natural state, I just wanted to be able to run a comb through it (like I use to prior to getting relaxers).
My hair grew, but because it was so tangly, it was also break off. No matter how gently I treated my hair, it would break even if I looked at it too hard!

Approx. after a year of frustration, I decided to relax again. (BTW, I'm no longer that med.) I see so many natural head ladies with an array of beautiful, natural hair styles, I feel like a traitor. But I come to the realization, I had to do what's best for me.[/B] Because my hair texture has changed, I can do a wash n' wear (which is my staple hairstyle) and my hair looks like a wavy braid-out. I have the look of natural hair only difference it doesn't take forever to comb or style. BTW, I use a regular relaxer every 10-12 weeks.

If I ever decided to relax again(and I have been very tempted to cut and relax on more than one occation) the only guilt I would have over my hair is not being an example of natural beauty for my daughters. I have asked myself, "What would I tell them?" That reason may be one of the few reasons that keep me from relaxing. But for other people? Nah.

JudithO said:

First of all.... if you are a relaxer-bashing or natural-bashing person with nothing positive to say.... please STAY OUT out this thread... I don't need any drama.

As most of you (who know me) know, I was natural for like 4 years, but was very very unhappy, near depressed about my hair... but was afraid to relax cos I have a YT channel (and was afraid of the blow-back) + I feel like I just failed to "love myself" in a weird kinda way.... Well, I decided that my mental health was way more important than all of that, relaxed my hair... and have been happy as a bird for almost a yr and a half...

My relaxed hair is waaayyy easier to care for (time-wise), I feel so much more confident in how I look (constantly rocking braids/cornrows just made me feel juvenile), I am retaining every inch.... hit bsl, 1/2 inch from mbl, and on track for wsl all in this yr.... have my reggie solid, self relaxing etc....

So what's the problem? To be clear, I think that people should do what they please with their hair (relax,color,cut... whatever makes them happy) and it has no effect on their level of "black love" (for lack of a better term) ....

BUT I feel like my hair type (very fine cnapps, 4c, very kinky 4b) is still out there when it comes to making it look glamorous especially.... caring for it since it's so breakage prone, all the time it takes to style it etc... and I feel like almost every other hair type... 4A and below have figured it out, and we haven't... I know that chopping off my MBL hair and starting again is a recipe for disaster given how I felt with my natural hair.... but I feel I should be part of the "movement" to figure out how to EASILY care for this hair and make it look sexy and glamorous in every modern type of way (vs an abstract inner beauty ish).... The only way I know to care for it is rock twists 24/7... but there has to be another way.... I feel like we at least have to give people with our hair type a choice to be natural knowing that they will look gorgeous ........ I feel like we have to figure out a way for our old fashioned parents (mine included) who thinks natural hair looks unkempt need to proven wrong and the only way is to show them how outwardly pretty our hair can be.... I dont know... I have a lot of feelings I guess.... I feel like even though I dont know how, I should try to help make this happen, especially since I have a YT channel (no matter how small the following).......

Am I crazy for feeling like this? I'll probably get to Waist lenght before I do anything crazy to my hair...

Pinging some ladies to chime in.... Feel free to tag more positive people...

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No, I don't think it's OK to feel guilty. Period. You didn't do anything wrong. Regarding feeling childish: Lots of 4B ladies have demonstrated sophisticated hairstyles for 4B ladies, but that's not useful if you're struggling with basic maintenance.

I didn't go natural because I wanted to participate in a movement. I was 17 and didn't know there was a movement. I was just tired of thin/over processed hair and hated the application of such strong chemicals. Going back to relaxers was not an option, and even at 17, I knew that. It's been 15 years since my last relaxer and I'm incredibly happy.

Really, I like natural hair for two main reasons. The first is that it's versatile. I can rock fluffy cocoon curls, silky straight, and a wild mane all in the same week. The second is because I don't have to deal with dangerous chemicals. I guess I fall into the "love myself as is" movement by default, but I'm not natural so I can participate in it. So, it makes no sense for me to look down on people who prefer relaxers. People that do need to get a life. Seriously.

I won't say I'm not proud that I've been able to master my natural hair and feel beautiful without the help of chemicals, but I realize this is not for everybody. Yes, if I was following your hair channel, I'd unsub, but not because I thought less of you. It'd be because I sub for the sake of getting tips for natural hair. If the hair is relaxed, there is no benefit for me. It's just basic rational thinking - no emotions involved. I have too many other things to do. Judging relaxed heads is not on that list.

:blowkiss: NappyNelle

NappyNelle said:

Judy, my love!!

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I know I wasn't tagged but Ill put in my $0.02 anyway.

As a lifelong natural I feel the pressure to STAY natural. The pressure is mostly from family (mother mother is natural and sister is transitioning) and friends who've known me my entire life. It interesting because before the "movement" I felt pressure for years from my peers and stylists to relax. I appreciate that we are no longer pressured to relax our hair but I wish we can be allowed to just be regardless of our decision.

I actually was unaware of the natural hair movement before YT came on board. It seemed once CurlyNikki, YT gurus and others became popular in the media, I started to notice the pressure to go or stay natural. I've been a part of the the online natural hair community community since the beginning (np.com, etc) and it seemed the Naziness stayed there within the confines of the sites.

I initially joined NaturalNazi.com because I wanted to learn how to care for my natural hair better and grow out my heat damaged hair but the relaxer bashing, flat iron shamming, insults, mocking, etc got to be too much so I left.

In terms of my hair, I started my healthy hair/long hair journey a few years ago and its HARD WORK. I have the so-called ideal hair type but I'm not immune to setbacks, slow hair grown, breakage for no reason, dryness, splits, knots, etc despite never using heat and doing all I can to care for my hair, having a great diet, etc. Its discouraging when you see women go from TWA to passing you by in less than two years in length. I have to come to terms with the fact that my natural hair will probably never look like naptural85 or denimpixi's and that's OK.

Anywho, I've been considering texlazing for a while now. The only reason why I haven't taken the plunge is because I have 0 experience with relaxers - none. My biggest fear is ending up bald. LOL.

Don't feel bad about changing your hair. At the end of the day, its just hair and it will grow back if you have regrets. I'm sure your hair is beautiful relaxed or natural. Just do you.

This is a great thread.

I think that there's a lot that hasn't been figured out for a number of hair types- natural or relaxed. So even though you feel that you're not contributing to the "movement" the fact is you are still adding to the knowledge. You're growing waistlength hair (and sharing your tips)! That alone is medal-worthy in a world where most of the hair care products and research hasn't focused on our hair.

My first thought is...whatever your feelings are..they are OK. They are yours and you don't need anyone to legitimize them.

My second thought is..I can understand feeling some kind of way about giving up a goal/dream/idea about the kind of relationship you wanted to have with your natural hair. You truly wanted it to be one way, and at this time and place in your life, it wasn't possible. I can totally appreciate that you are going through any number of feelings about changing course.

And lastly...it's going to be OK. It sounds like your hair is thriving. Relaxed or natural, inspiring people to embrace and care for their hair is an uplifting act. You make a difference just by being your self and sharing your journey with us.

RegaLady said:

If I ever decided to relax again(and I have been very tempted to cut and relax on more than one occation) the only guilt I would have over my hair is not being an example of natural beauty for my daughters. I have asked myself, "What would I tell them?" That reason may be one of the few reasons that keep me from relaxing. But for other people? Nah.

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I came out of lurkdom to address this issue of what to say to your daughter when you are relaxed and she is natural because I live it and have had this conversation with my 7 yr old dd. She is natural I am relaxed and whenI told her to never relax her 3b/3c hair she asked me why. I explained to her that my mother didn't know how to care for my hair but I know how to care for hers and can teach her how. I also tell her how beautiful her hair is all the time and let her know that in order for me to go natural I would have to cut mine and start over.(to me even a long time transition is the same as cutting and starting over just over a longer period of time.) My daughter loves her hair and is waiting for the day when she can wear out styles that are both curly and straight. We are currently on a growth journey, she wants classic and is currently at mid back length. I would do the same for her if she was 4c or 1a. The styling, care and regimen would just be different. I made it clear to get that if she wants to relax she had to wait until she's grown.

Making your daughTer feel beautiful can be done and she can love the hair on her head. My daughter watches me care for mine the same way I care for hers and she loves our girl time and playing in her curls.