Angry...My mother said my daughter had "bad" hair...

[ShiShiPooPoo]

My daughter has tightly coiled 4b or c hair that is beautiful to me. It is brown with coppery highlights when the sun hits it. I try to instill a good sense of self-worth, esteem, when it comes to her because I don't want her to ever question her beauty. She is 8 months old and I treat her hair just about the same as I do mine. What I mean is that I treat it with the same amount (if not more) of care. Anyway, my mom is a very negative, critical person and we don't talk, see each other much for primarily that reason (there is a lot of history behind that). Anyway, my mom came to visit this weekend and we were outside and I made a comment about how pretty my baby's hair was and she said..."Hmmmm. She's got her grandmother's hair...(no response from me). She's got her grandmother's hair...it's bad."

I couldn't tell you how angry/hurt I was...If she had been anybody else besides my mother I would have let her have it for real. I told her that my daughter's hair was not "bad" and that I LOVE her hair. I felt like I should have told her more but you know I was intimidated. My husband froze in his tracks when she said it 'cuz he thought I was gonna go off. Next time I won't be so nice about it. She got home and called my cousin and made a comment like, "Her mother has pretty hair...I don't know what happened to hers". So we had our neighbor braid her hair and it looks GORGEOUS! She has the perfect hair for braiding. So I was thinking about sending a picture to "various relatives" one being my mother, and writing some type of message that uplifts us as black women with the underlying message of "DON'T EVER CALL MY BABY'S HAIR BAD AGAIN!" I was thinking about quoting the woman who was saying that she tells her daughter that her hair is "growing to heaven/God".
Thanks for letting me vent...I don't know what to do with that woman.

 

[Maynard]

Wow...I'm sorry to hear your Mom thinks that way...

I'm all for sending her the photo

 

[mscocoface]

Girl, it is family that cuts us the deepest and most often.

I understand completely. You unfortunately got hit right in the heart with that remark, but you are just the person to start educating your mother and any other person around you that dares to make that remark again.

I would love to tell you that that is the last time that will happen but as long as you are telling your darling baby girl to be proud of her hair and that it is growing to heaven she is going to be okay.

I had to correct my sister-in-law whose daugther just had a baby the child is is of mixed race and of course right now her hair is straight like 2a so she says that her grand baby has good hair... Now all the rest of us are sporting 4b or tighter.

I looked at her like she was about ready to get cut and she could tell she had said something very very wrong.

In a low seething quiet voice and a direct stare I said, It is ALL good hair and don't ever let me hear those words come out of your mouth again!

Yes she thought I was crazy and normally I would have more patience and educate but I would have to explain the history with my sister-n-law and that is a whole nother thread.

You did right, vent on honey, we understand. You start showing your baby girl at a young age all the pretty good haired women on this site with her texture she will be correcting folks left and right including your mother if she ever slips again.

Sincerely,
A 4b with GOOD HAIR!

 

[scorpian]

I know that comment must've hurt especially from your mother but this is the attitude that we get from a lot of people....my daughter is 10 and over the years I've gotten the same comment about her hair and family is the worst

Keep your head up..let her hair continue to grow and stay healthy and show your mom that "It's all good hair"

 

[motherx2esq]

I feel your pain but stay strong and continue to care for your daughter's hair.

My family and my daughter's father's family ALWAYS has something to say about my daughter's hair. If it is not straight or in a million pony tails to them it's nappy. My thing is what is wrong with nappy? Heck my hair is nappy and I'm relaxed. I love the natural texture of my daughter's hair. The only time she get compliements from family is when it's straight and you can see that it is BSL. The only time we get complients when it is natural is from people on the streets. Funny isn't it.

Don't let them get you down

 

[gone_fishing]

My daughter has tightly coiled 4b or c hair that is beautiful to me. It is brown with coppery highlights when the sun hits it. I try to instill a good sense of self-worth, esteem, when it comes to her because I don't want her to ever question her beauty. She is 8 months old and I treat her hair just about the same as I do mine. What I mean is that I treat it with the same amount (if not more) of care. Anyway, my mom is a very negative, critical person and we don't talk, see each other much for primarily that reason (there is a lot of history behind that). Anyway, my mom came to visit this weekend and we were outside and I made a comment about how pretty my baby's hair was and she said..."Hmmmm. She's got her grandmother's hair...(no response from me). She's got her grandmother's hair...it's bad."

I couldn't tell you how angry/hurt I was...If she had been anybody else besides my mother I would have let her have it for real. I told her that my daughter's hair was not "bad" and that I LOVE her hair. I felt like I should have told her more but you know I was intimidated. My husband froze in his tracks when she said it 'cuz he thought I was gonna go off. Next time I won't be so nice about it. She got home and called my cousin and made a comment like, "Her mother has pretty hair...I don't know what happened to hers". So we had our neighbor braid her hair and it looks GORGEOUS! She has the perfect hair for braiding. So I was thinking about sending a picture to "various relatives" one being my mother, and writing some type of message that uplifts us as black women with the underlying message of "DON'T EVER CALL MY BABY'S HAIR BAD AGAIN!" I was thinking about quoting the woman who was saying that she tells her daughter that her hair is "growing to heaven/God".
Thanks for letting me vent...I don't know what to do with that woman.

Sounds like your mom is a victim of brainwashing and it's one of those "she knows not what she says/does" things. It doesn't mean it hurts any less for you and of course you should stand up for your child! I'm glad that you did. I would have went up one side of my mother and down the other.

My mother and I are estranged (my father raised me) and i knew when she found out who I was engaged to she expressed her discontent at having a biracial grandbaby (should we decide to have one). I told her don't worry about it because she won't be seeing the child anyways.

Family is family ya know...you don't get to pick them like friends. But, you don't have to roll over and play dead just to appease them. Put your foot down sternly and firmly and let her know if she's going to speak that way to your about your baby (and especially in front of the baby) then she will not be permitted to see her again.

I can't believe a grandmother can look at her grandchild of 8 months old and find anything other than beauty.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

You are doing the right thing and I think that should not send a pic, you know and your husband knows that your daughter's hair is beautiful. You don't have to prove anything to her or anyone else. If she says it again, correct her and make sure she know that you do not want her to make negative comments about your daughter's hair and let her know that you are trying to instill self worth and self esteem in your daughter and you are not going to tolerate her negativity. Make sure you tell her face to face so she will know that you are serious. Try not to be intimidated by her.. you have to stick up for your child and demand respect from your mother. Good luck to you! I've had to deal with the same thing !

 

[cocoberry10]

I’m sorry that your mother made these comments about your daughter. I know that she is your mother, but it will be important to guard your daughter against that type of negativity—even from family as she gets older. Also, if I were you, the next time your mother or anyone makes a comment about your daughters hair like that I would say… “I’m so sorry.” They’ll probably look at you like you’re crazy, but wait a second and say it again. And then they will probably say something like “you are sorry for what?” And then pause, and say “ I’m sorry you hate yourself so much that you would try to make the rest of us feel as sorry as you must feel right now!”

 

[Neroli]

You are doing the right thing and I think that should not send a pic, you know and your husband knows that your daughter's hair is beautiful. You don't have to prove anything to her or anyone else. If she says it again, correct her and make sure she know that you do not want her to make negative comments about your daughter's hair and let her know that you are trying to instill self worth and self esteem in your daughter and you are not going to tolerate her negativity. Make sure you tell her face to face so she will know that you are serious. Try not to be intimidated by her.. you have to stick up for your child and demand respect from your mother. Good luck to you! I've had to deal with the same thing !

ITA. You don't have anything to prove and sending photos will, IMO, only heighten tensions and focus attention on the issue. Family is HELL! The best thing you can do, is raise your daughter to be strong, self-confident and to love herself, ALL of herself - hair is but one very tiny aspect of that. . .

 

[XXXtacy]

I’m sorry that your mother made these comments about your daughter. I know that she is your mother, but it will be important to guard your daughter against that type of negativity—even from family as she gets older. Also, if I were you, the next time your mother or anyone makes a comment about your daughters hair like that I would say… “I’m so sorry.” They’ll probably look at you like you’re crazy, but wait a second and say it again. And then they will probably say something like “you are sorry for what?” And then pause, and say “ I’m sorry you hate yourself so much that you would try to make the rest of us feel as sorry as you must feel right now!”

Great response.


ShiShi

You and your baby are absolutely beautiful. It's hard dealing with the insecurity and ignorance of other, even when its your own mother.

 

[napgurl]

You are too blessed to consider her mess. The only pictures you need to take are for your sake and your husbands. Not to prove anything to the world. Let your house be a house of encouragement and joy. And whoever . . that means mom too . . . steps foot in your home must follow suit. If you don't have something nice to say then stay outside.

Old school doesn't mean rude school -- mom is too old not to know right from wrong. You are doing the right thing by keeping a distance from her negative words. In the midst of dealing with her your whole life, look at how you responded -- with class and dignity -- please pat yourself on the back. And I pray right now that God heal your hurt . . . and soften your mother's heart.

Your sweet baby has a head full of thick naturally beautiful hair.

 

[cocopuff]

A friend of mine says this all the time about her son's hair. Her son is 14 and she puts a texturizer in his hair from time to time and then she makes it worse by saying "I got a good grade of hair, I don't know where he got his hair from". I have tried to talk to her about this and tell her why it is wrong to say it but I get nowhere with her. She still insists on saying her son has "bad" hair. It's truly a shame.

 

[Honi]

My mother said something very similar and stupid about my daughter’s hair. It’s tiiiight 4a/4b and kinky as all get out but beautiful, full and healthy to me. She said that I had a good “grade” of hair at her age and that my daughter’s hair was not and blamed it on my husband’s side of the family. I’ll never forget the time she said “Oh no….her hair is starting to curl up. Looks like she’s gonna have a bad grade of hair”. I shot her a nasty look with a tone in my voice and said to her that there is no such thing as bad hair. Improperly cared for hair is BAD!

 

[ShiShiPooPoo]

All of your responses mean a lot to me. I am just so angry still, I don't want to do anything out of anger. I try to be a positive person and handle things in a mature anger.

I am determined not to let my mom make my daughter feel the way that she made me and my siblings feel growing up. I am breaking that cycle with me once and for all. My son doesn't even like her and he's 3. He says, "I don't like Nana". I know it is because she is so negative. She told my niece (whom I'm very close to) that without a haircut he looks "strange". She ALWAYS has something negative to say. The next time she makes a comment about my daughter's hair I am going to tell her that she has a right to her own opinion but she needs to keep that poison thinking to herself and let it rot out the rest of her brain.

 

[sunnydaze]

Awee shishi (hugs)

I hate to read about the comments from your mom and the relationship you guys all have with her. Stay with being the positive person that you are and let her know that her comments are unwanted and to keep them to herself.

 

[chica_canella]

I go through that will my family though they don't call my hair bad, but they do wonder where I got my 3c/4a texture. The only thing you can really do is express your feelings which is the "TRUTH" about hair. Bad hair is unhealthy hair and Good hair is healthy hair regardless of texture.

Tell her that you WILL NOT tolerate her negativity around yourself, your daughter or any other member of your family. If she wants to continue to spew hatred for the ancestors who gave your daughter her 4B hair then she needs to seriously examine herself and the respect/honor she has for her lineage.

 

[ShiShiPooPoo]

I meant to say "mature manner"!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freudian slip!

 

[Energee]

A friend of mine says this all the time about her son's hair. Her son is 14 and she puts a texturizer in his hair from time to time and then she makes it worse by saying "I got a good grade of hair, I don't know where he got his hair from". I have tried to talk to her about this and tell her why it is wrong to say it but I get nowhere with her. She still insists on saying her son has "bad" hair. It's truly a shame.

That is awful! You (for having to deal with such an ignorant friend who would dare say such things about her own son) and the OP have my sympathy. I can't imagine having relatives so 'cold' and mean-spirited toward children---particularly children in their own families .

'Black people are their own worst enemy'. I've heard it said many times and I believe it sincerely. I hate that it's true but it definitely is.

OP just love your daughter and raise her in a positive environment. Don't ever allow your mother to say such things in front of her. Kids pick up on things very early on. I love my mother dearly and thankfully she is not this way but if she were I'd NEVER allow her to speak about my children in this way and particularly in front of them I don't care how young they are. I'd put my foot down and stand up for my kids...mama or no mama. When you are in my house..you do as I do or you stay at your own house period. We have a positive home and don't allow negativity in. Everyone we know knows this--most are positive too so it's not difficult. Mothers have to respect their adult children just as well as we are to respect them. Even the Bible states this it's states that children should respect and obey their mother and father but not too far down it states that fathers must not provoke their children..--this is the verse no one ever quotes....lol.

 

[envybeauty]

Hmmm..... don't know what to say really. I thought about it yesterday even before I read your post today. I thought about the Glamour incident and about how the editor said Black women should not wear afros because they are political statements. As in, if we wear our hair in its utmost natural state, then that is wrong and political to boot. WTF!

Then again, can we really blame her ....Black women themselves see their hair as "bad" -- making comments, even relaxing little girls as young as 3 to straighten their hair.

I don't even know where to break the cycle. I can't even start with myself....perming every other month like no tomorrow.

 

[ShiShiPooPoo]

I thought about transitioning for this reason...

How can I instill this positive energy into my daughter when my hair is relaxed? What a beautiful statement to make with both of us being natural and how much power I would have if I said, "look, my hair is the same as yours and I'm beautiful!" I'm at a moral dilemma with this.

 

[Neroli]

I meant to say "mature manner"!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freudian slip!

Yep, yep! At least you're trying to keep it "mature" . . . .

 

[Energee]

The difference is that we are adults and we can choose to do what we wish with our hair. Whatever you do to it--relax- go natural--color--whatever...you MUST be at peace with choose to do. I relax also but I'm at peace with it and I don't feel that need at this time to go natural. My sister is natural and she's at peace and the greatest thing is that she does not give me grief for being relaxed. It was her decision to go natural. She doesn't go around trying to convert others. She loves my hair and I love hers. There is no moral dilemma for me.

I've also been natural and I was at peace when I was natural (back in college). I will likely go natural again when I am a little older (37 now)--perhaps around 50. I don't even relax bone straight because I hate that texture. I like my nappy roots and I don't blow them out or flat iron them either.

We must teach our girls (and boys) that the choices they make for their hair are their own. My mother did not relax my hair as a child so that has a lot to do with how I view my hair. I didn't relax until I wanted to (and still had to beg my mother) at 16 years of age. It was just a change I wanted at that age. I don't regret it. I like relaxed and I like natural. Just depends on what look I want that decade...lol.

Children need to know to love their own hair first and that they do have choices when they are older. Your hair should represent you and you should do what you want to your because it's what you want to do. It's like your clothing or shoes or anything else. It's your own style...straight, natural, curly.colored blond, black.whatever. It has nothing to do with others. It's not a political statement and should not be. It's hair.

If you are fighting morally then perhaps your relaxed for the wrong reasons? Did you relax just to better manage your hair and be more versatile, because you wanted a certain style or cut. Wanted to spend less time on you hair? or did you relax because you just didn't like your own texture (self-hate)? or were you just relaxed as a child without a choice so don't know any other way? For me it just depends on why you relaxed.

Black people need to learn to respect other peoples hair choices and realize that their choices have nothing to do with anyone else. Apologize for being so long winded...lol....

 

[Neroli]

The difference is that we are adults and we can choose to do what we wish with our hair. Whatever you do to it--relax- go natural--color--whatever...you MUST be at peace with choose to do. I relax also but I'm at peace with it and I don't feel that need at this time to go natural. My sister is natural and she's at peace and the greatest thing is that she does not give me grief for being relaxed. It was her decision to go natural. She doesn't go around trying to convert others. She loves my hair and I love hers. There is no moral dilemma for me.

I've also been natural and I was at peace when I was natural (back in college). I will likely go natural again when I am a little older (37 now)--perhaps around 50. I don't even relax bone straight because I hate that texture. I like my nappy roots and I don't blow them out or flat iron them either.

We must teach our girls (and boys) that the choices they make for their hair are their own. My mother did not relax my hair as a child so that has a lot to do with how I view my hair. I didn't relax until I wanted to (and still had to beg my mother) at 16 years of age. It was just a change I wanted at that age. I don't regret it. I like relaxed and I like natural. Just depends on what look I want that decade...lol.

Children need to know to love their own hair first and that they do have choices when they are older. Your hair should represent you and you should do what you want to your because it's what you want to do. It's like your clothing or shoes or anything else. It's your own style...straight, natural, curly.colored blond, black.whatever. It has nothing to do with others. It's not a political statement and should not be. It's hair.
If you are fighting morally then perhaps your relaxed for the wrong reasons? Did you relax just to better manage your hair and be more versatile, because you wanted a certain style or cut. Wanted to spend less time on you hair? or did you relax because you just didn't like your own texture (self-hate)? or were you just relaxed as a child without a choice so don't know any other way? For me it just depends on why you relaxed.

Black people need to learn to respect other peoples hair choices and realize that their choices have nothing to do with anyone else. Apologize for being so long winded...lol....

Well said, especially the bold. I'm 40 something and am extremely comfortable with my relaxed hair. When I turn 50, may decide to go natural, just for the heck of it and for the change. No politics, just syle! Sometimes being comfortable in your own skin takes a little living and experience out there . . .

 

[Kurlee]

that is hurtful that ur mom said that. I really wish these stereotypes and prejudices would leave our culture

 

[bravenewgirl87]

We've all said it and we've all heard it before, "good hair". Just try to install diversity and the appreciate of black beauty. Also, teach your daughter than black is just a skin color, doesn't mean she's ugly, doesn't mean if she had 2a hair she'd be any less black....

Half the beauty of being black is our varied diversity. I wouldn't try to school your mother. She's old and doesn't know better. It will hurt your head trying to school differently. Just make sure you help the next generation.

 

[Evolving78]

All of your responses mean a lot to me. I am just so angry still, I don't want to do anything out of anger. I try to be a positive person and handle things in a mature anger.

I am determined not to let my mom make my daughter feel the way that she made me and my siblings feel growing up. I am breaking that cycle with me once and for all. My son doesn't even like her and he's 3. He says, "I don't like Nana". I know it is because she is so negative. She told my niece (whom I'm very close to) that without a haircut he looks "strange". She ALWAYS has something negative to say. The next time she makes a comment about my daughter's hair I am going to tell her that she has a right to her own opinion but she needs to keep that poison thinking to herself and let it rot out the rest of her brain.

I would call her and tell her how you feel if you are still upset. You don't have to wait for her to say something crazy again to make a statement. Tell her that the comment she made was very hurtful and explain to her that there is no such thing as good or bad hair. I'm natural myself and I get a lot of crazy statements, but I'm an adult. I don't have anyone to stick up for me.

 

[bluefolli]

You are doing the right thing and I think that should not send a pic, you know and your husband knows that your daughter's hair is beautiful. You don't have to prove anything to her or anyone else. If she says it again, correct her and make sure she know that you do not want her to make negative comments about your daughter's hair and let her know that you are trying to instill self worth and self esteem in your daughter and you are not going to tolerate her negativity. Make sure you tell her face to face so she will know that you are serious. Try not to be intimidated by her.. you have to stick up for your child and demand respect from your mother. Good luck to you! I've had to deal with the same thing !

ITA!!! Everyone's definition of beauty is different. Why does their definition bother you? Keep loving your baby and let them cackle amongst themselves. God don't like ugly.

 

[ShiShiPooPoo]

I have been both natural and relaxed a few times each. I just like variety actually. I like the statement that hair is just hair and not political. I love my natural texture and my relaxed texture. It's not deep to me. I try to be patient with my mom with the whole "she doesn't know better" stuff. I get tired of making excuses for grown @ss men and women who should know better. If I tell her about it, more will come spewing out because my mom and I have historical issues. I just want my baby to love herself and hold her head up and know that she is worthy of everything her little heart desires. It's hard when it comes from your own mother. Also, the comment was meant to dis my father's mother (hence the statement, "you have your grandmother's hair") who's hair was 4b/c as well. Her and my mother did not get along.

 

[gymfreak336]

I thought about transitioning for this reason...

How can I instill this positive energy into my daughter when my hair is relaxed? What a beautiful statement to make with both of us being natural and how much power I would have if I said, "look, my hair is the same as yours and I'm beautiful!" I'm at a moral dilemma with this.

My mother has always been natural yet me and my sisters are relaxed. I never had any "hair issues". What I learned from my mother being natural and I relaxed was that its just hair and you have a choice. One summer I cut all my relaxer off and had my hair natural for a couple of months. My mother didn't pressure me into doing it, I wanted to see what it was like. I got bored and relaxed again.

The BEST way to instill pride in your daughter for her hair is to allow her the option of doing what ever she wants with it. If she wants to relax it, let her relax it, if she doesn't don't. Teach her the fundamentals to taking care of her hair in each state. My mother never was like "Don't get in that pool b/c you will mess up your hair" and she never did that whole "good hair" comments and such. My parents never stress the hair thing so I didn't place my self worth on how my hair looked. By allowing her to have the choice and by you showing her that you will help her no matter what her choice is, she will not believe that her measure of "blackness" is tied up in her hair. She will learn that it is a state of mind.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

I’m sorry that your mother made these comments about your daughter. I know that she is your mother, but it will be important to guard your daughter against that type of negativity—even from family as she gets older. Also, if I were you, the next time your mother or anyone makes a comment about your daughters hair like that I would say… “I’m so sorry.” They’ll probably look at you like you’re crazy, but wait a second and say it again. And then they will probably say something like “you are sorry for what?” And then pause, and say “ I’m sorry you hate yourself so much that you would try to make the rest of us feel as sorry as you must feel right now!”

Wow. This is the PERFECT response!