I'm not over my Dad's death. . .

[Ms Red]

Hi Ladies,

Question: Have you experienced the death of a loved one and have gotten through it? (Not "over" it)

I'm asking b/c my dad died about 6 months ago. His death was unexpectant, he was pretty young (53) and had not ever been to a hospital, let alone sick. He died of a massive heart attack. Well, my mom (who is 57) and dad were married for 26 yrs. (I am 25). I think my mom and I have both gone through certain stages of grief: mourning, anger, dispair... but it seems like we just cannot get to ACCEPTANCE.

My mom and dad lived in Texas (where I am from and where my mom still lives by herself) and I live in Pennsylvania. It has been very hard for me because I had a very good relationship with my dad. All of the things you wished you could have said... the things you wished you could have done. I now think about how my dad won't be able to see my get married, have kids, be successful in my career, etc.

Do yall think it's common to go through these emotions after 6 months? I have good days & bad days and I am wondering if I should get my mom to come and live with me or not. I don't want her to be lonely and it's like my two older brothers (who are 37 and 38) do not care about our well-being.

I was my father's only biological child and for a long time it was just me, my mom and dad. Should I get my mom to move to Philly? (She has visited several times and she does not like the weather, the surroundings, and she will miss friends dearly). . .Or should I think about visiting her more frequently?

Since my dad is gone, my mom is the only one I have left and I know that God wants me to be there for her.

Please advise!

 

[SoniT]

It's very hard to get over the death of someone close to you. Everyone grieves at their own pace so I don't think 6 months is a long time. I think you should take your time going through the different emotions. I also think you should be there for your mom as much as you can. If she doesn't like Pennsylvania and all of her friends are in Texas, then I think you should visit her more often. Don't try to rush the grieving process. Remember, time heals all wounds.

 

[sugaplum]

Hi cupcake,

First off, my condolences go out to you & your family in your lose. I know how it feels to lose a family member that you hold dear. And it was a true blessing that your parents were together for so long.

And yes, it is common to go through these emotions. When I lost my uncle who was shot by his next door neighbor, it took me years to forgive his killer and mourn over the lose of my uncle. But what I came to find out is this:

"Everything in this world is temporary, but everything in God is permanent."

If you feel in your heart to be closer to your mother, then go for it. It's natural to want our mother close. Look at me, my mom lives in the apartment right next door to me. When I tell people this they "freak out." But I say that the Lord put me there for a reason.

I hope this advice helps you. Be blessed.

 

[ShortyDooWhop]

My mother passed away in 1997, when I was a sophomore in college. It still hurt, and I still miss her. She was my friend, confidant, biggest cheerleader, and a wonderful, kindhearted, generous woman. Honestly, I don't think there is ever a time when you "get over it". Instead, you (and I) cherish the time that you did have with your loved one. I don't know how, if, or when the pain stopped, but it did. I miss her, but it's a different feeling. I now have a comfort about who she was, who I am, and what a gift I was given.

It's funny that the saying is that tomorrow is not promised.... They should follow that saying up with the statement, that everyday that you have love, laughter, and joy is a blessing from God and a small polaroid to keep with you in the future.

Regarding whether or not to move your mother out there, or whether to visit more frequently, be prayerful and the answer will come. In the meantime, as I'm sure you have been doing, let your mother know eachday what she means to you. I encourage you to do the small things that remind her that you're there and love her. - whether it be with a random phonecall, a card, or a surprise visit.

Best,
SDW

 

[brownsugarbabe]

Hi Cupcake,

I'm sorry to hear about your dad's passing...I can completely empathize. My dad passed away a little over a week ago and now I'm wondering the same thing;when if ever will I get "over" it. He was only 53, like your dad, and his illness was completely unexpected.

I have thoughts of my future wedding and future kids, my nieces and nephews and that fact that he will won't be there to share in those experiences and that really makes me sad.

I don't think that you'll truly get over a loved ones passing, but life must go on. I'm comforted in the fact that I believe my dad's spirit it still with me...You can figure out ways to incorporate your dad in activities in your life.

When I get married I plan on doing something special to commemorate my dad. When I have children I'm going to make sure they know who their grandfather was. My dad loved to BBQ; I plan on having an annual BBQ in his honor where all the family will get together and celebrate him.

Also, say a prayer for him everyday. All these things will help you heal...I'm hoping they will help me.

BSB

Hi Ladies,

Question: Have you experienced the death of a loved one and have gotten through it? (Not "over" it)

I'm asking b/c my dad died about 6 months ago. His death was unexpectant, he was pretty young (53) and had not ever been to a hospital, let alone sick. He died of a massive heart attack. Well, my mom (who is 57) and dad were married for 26 yrs. (I am 25). I think my mom and I have both gone through certain stages of grief: mourning, anger, dispair... but it seems like we just cannot get to ACCEPTANCE.

My mom and dad lived in Texas (where I am from and where my mom still lives by herself) and I live in Pennsylvania. It has been very hard for me because I had a very good relationship with my dad. All of the things you wished you could have said... the things you wished you could have done. I now think about how my dad won't be able to see my get married, have kids, be successful in my career, etc.

Do yall think it's common to go through these emotions after 6 months? I have good days & bad days and I am wondering if I should get my mom to come and live with me or not. I don't want her to be lonely and it's like my two older brothers (who are 37 and 38) do not care about our well-being.

I was my father's only biological child and for a long time it was just me, my mom and dad. Should I get my mom to move to Philly? (She has visited several times and she does not like the weather, the surroundings, and she will miss friends dearly). . .Or should I think about visiting her more frequently?

Since my dad is gone, my mom is the only one I have left and I know that God wants me to be there for her.

Please advise!

 

[Laginappe]

6 months and you're questioning "getting over it"? Hon' you're just at the beginning of this journey. As am I. My dad passed a year ago (June will be the 1 year mark). 6 months is just a blip...but a year is too.

Give yourself and your mom time. Grieving takes time. And it takes longer for some than others. I don't cry every day, but I miss my dad every single day. The way I see it the good and bad days are going to be a part of my life for years to come. You never "get over" losing someone you love. You adjust and adapt - but there are always things - triggers - that will bring you right back to the moment you heard the news that he was gone.

As for your mom - let her decide. If she chooses to spend this next phase of her life in close proximity to you then great. If not, then that's equally great. Her grief is different than yours and therefore she'll deal with it in a different way than you will. Like SoniT said, be there for her as much as you can, but at the same time be there for yourself. You will get to acceptance when you get there. There's no formula for grief - its an individual process. My dad's phone numbers are still in my cell phone - I can't yet bring myself to delete them. I will eventually but not today.

I'm actually in a way looking forward to the 1 year anniversary of his death. Because that will mean that we - me, my mom and my sister - have made it through. We made it through our first Thanksgiving, first birthdays, first wedding anniversary, first Christmas and Easter. All of those were tough and I wasn't sure how we'd make it but we did. Now all we have left to get through is Mother's and Father's Day, and then the anniversary of his death. Because I've seen how we survived the bigger holidays, I know that while this will be a sad occasion, it will be a relief at the same time.

Give yourself time. If it takes you years to adjust, then so be it. Don't force yourself to heal from this loss - healing happens in its own time.

 

[kisz4tj]

Death is probably the hardest thing to deal with. My grandfather passed away in 1994. Growing up he was my father, his lil partner in crime. It hurt beyond words when he died. He was truly the only father I had. Time does heal...there will come a time where you when you think of him you'll just smile.

 

[Ms Red]

Laginappe: You are right, 6 months is just the beginning, I've realized. I guess I thought that it would not hurt as much, but just as you said, sometimes something will trigger me and it will feel as if I just heard the news. I am sorry for the loss of your dad and I empathize-- I'm just now understanding and appreciating the "milestones" that my mom and I go through: first Christmas, B-Day, etc. Thank you for your advice...

Brownsugarbabe: Again, I give you my condolences. I am so sorry to hear this, but it seems like you realize that grieving and missing your dad won't cease overnight. Sometimes my emotions feel very "raw" and it's hard to stop crying but at other times, I can go about my day and miss my dad but not feel that wave of sadness. You and your family are in my prayers.
Thank you for your words of encouragement.

ShortyDooWhop: You're right... it takes time. I guess I really have not given myself enough time and I've come to realize that I will never "get over" the death of my father. I also agree with you that my mom should make the decision that is right for her. I would rather her be happy and away from me that miserable and very close to me. I am thinking of way to visit my mom more and do things with her so that we can be close.

Sugaplum: Thank you for your condolences. I appreciate your kind words-- they mean a lot. I am just taking it day by day and praying and fasting.

SoniT: Again, thank you!! You guys don't know how much it's meant to me to know that I'm not crazy to think that the pain is still there. God has really carried my mom and me through everything. Right now I am working in corporate america (pharma) and helping my mom pay the bills at home (she did not work before my dad passed). So I know that God is watching over us.

You ladies are inspirations.

 

[sprungonhairboards]

I'm sorry for your loss. I think how mature you are and how you handle the situation when it arises determines to a large extent how 'well' you 'deal' with the loss of someone close to you and in what time frame.

My grandmother who raised me and was more like my mother died when I was 17. I'm 34 and I still cry when I think of it. When someone else loses someone they love it brings back my pain. I'm crying right now typing this. I dream of her. I still get sad on Mothers day sometimes. I still miss and love her so much and wonder what my life would have been had she not died and turned my life upside down at some a formidable age. I've never loved anyone before or since her death as much as I loved her, not even my mother.

I hurt terribly and I doubt that will ever go away. Is it easier than when it first happened? Yes. I can get out of bed and function and stuff, so I guess you could say I've moved on, but I'm still in a tremendous amount of pain and I know it has affected my life, my relationships with other people, and shaped who I am as a person. I doubt it will ever go away.

Geez, I'm sorry I hope I didn't bring you down more.

 

[GodsPromises]

I am just co-signing with what everyone else has said. My grandmother who was my heart passed away in Aug 2001. She was my best friend, cheerleader, etc. Just yesterday, I heard the song played at her funeral in the doctor's office and I wanted to cry. There will always be moments that you flash back and that's alright. Take your time. Peace will come.

Be Blessed

 

[BlkHoneyLuv2U]

June this year will be twelve years since my father died. Its still hard sometimes. You never get over it, it just gets a little easier as time goes on.

 

[vevster]

Six months is too soon to be accepting such a loss.... It can take years..

 

[nijilah]

Very sorry to hear about your lose and I do not think that 6 months is a long time at all, especially for an unexpected death.

I know that tomorrow is not promised, but when someone is old and/or ill, I personally grief for a few months but I still feel somewhat prepared. But when my cousin died at 38 unexpectantly, I honestly think that I am still grieving 10 years later (I don't like anyone to touch his pictures or touch the vase and beautiful dishes that he gave me...NO one can eat off of them except me).

Not that I am crying or anything, but I think about him often and I cherish his memory. So, do I think that you will 'get over it'? No. But I do think that in time, you will stop focusing on the lose and just cherish the memories. One day you will be thinking about him and a tear may come to your eye but you may laugh at the same time thinking about all of the joy that he gave you.

 

[sithembile]

I'm 26 now and my mother died when I was 13. It was hard because I was so young and I wasn't close to my father. It took a long time to accept it, and even now, I obviously still miss her and it makes me sad that she's not here to experience my life with. But I thank God that He has been with me ever since, and that I have been able to heal and move on with my life. It takes time, but you will heal. I will keep you in my prayers (I mean that).

 

[aikaa71]

June this year will be twelve years since my father died. Its still hard sometimes. You never get over it, it just gets a little easier as time goes on.

ITA .

Its been two years since my Dad passed away . I still cry and think of him, sometimes i think i hear his voice .....
When i hear the the front door open i think its him coming back from heaven.

 

[divinefavor]

Cupcake, I know exactly how you feel. I did not lose my father, but one of my younger brothers was brutally murdered in my hometown (Milwaukee, WI) on January 31st he was only 22 years old and left behind two very small daughters. We share the same father, but we do not have the same mother. So in the midst of my grief, I have some guilt there because I didn't spend a lot of time with him like I should have. I always thought he would be there. One consellation that I have is the last time I saw him (when I went home to visit last June.) I told him how much I loved him and I really hope he knew that.

I am still grieving and sometimes I forget that he's gone and then come to my senses and realize that he really is, then the grieving starts all over gone. It's so hard to believe, I never experienced death so up close before. I keep dreaming about him and sometimes I even talk to him. Because I want to know what happened and what took place on the day he was killed. My other brother will be faxing me the police report within the next couple of days so that I can read what the murderers said took place. I think I may have some closure after this.

I keep praying and asking God for answers and ask Him why couldn't He had given us more time. My main concern is that I want to know that He is with God.

Well, I'm at work and in tears so I'm going to end here.

Cupcake-please know that people are praying for you. All I can say is Lean on God. Grieving is a part of life, it's okay to grieve and it has it's time and place. Each day gets a little easier.