Ladies, do you think dating really works?

[StarScream35]

I've long thought dating wasn't for everybody and in society, I feel there should be options for those who want to date and those who want to court. Mind you, I'm all about courtship but unfortunately most of that died out with the Victorian age.

I feel like society has kinda forced dating upon people. I think dating is something that doesn't work for everybody and I believe the reason many people feel like they can't get this "dating thing" right is not because of their mindset about dating but because dating just doesn't work for everybody.

We can agree that everybody is individualistic and society actually encourages individualism so why is it that when it comes to dating, society wants everyone to conform to this one formula? Why not just come out and say this whole dating thing is not for everyone. I mean how often have you heard the advice that you should just get out there and have fun and don't expect anything etc. Does it dawn on anyone that dating just might not work for some people? And at what point does having fun with someone crosses the line of using someone? Also it seems dating has created an environment of mind games, ie....don't answer the phone right away or when he asks you out on Saturday, tell him you are busy and make him wait next week.

I dunno, I'm just wondering how do you Christian ladies feel about the whole thing.

 

[Twinspired]

For me, there's a thin line between dating and courting. (Plus, dating means different things to different people).

I am not going to date someone I don't see potential for marriage. I can't just have a casual relationship with someone because 2-4 years later your feelings are involved but you know you can't spend your life with this person. Then, it's hard to let go. I've been there and refuse to do it again.

So I guess to answer the question, I will date someone to get to know him, but I usually only date for 2-3 months because I know he's not for me. I always say the next long term relationship I'm in will be with by husband. I also don't really believe is long term relationships even if he is the one. You know, dating for years and years. I don't think that is the way God intended it. Most likely, if you're with someone that long you're being intimate and doing other theys meant for a husband and wife.

 

[StarScream35]

For me, there's a thin line between dating and courting. (Plus, dating means different things to different people).

I am not going to date someone I don't see potential for marriage. I can't just have a casual relationship with someone because 2-4 years later your feelings are involved but you know you can't spend your life with this person. Then, it's hard to let go. I've been there and refuse to do it again.

So I guess to answer the question, I will date someone to get to know him, but I usually only date for 2-3 months because I know he's not for me. I always say the next long term relationship I'm in will be with by husband. I also don't really believe is long term relationships even if he is the one. You know, dating for years and years. I don't think that is the way God intended it. Most likely, if you're with someone that long you're being intimate and doing other theys meant for a husband and wife.

Very good point and interesting read. Thanks!

 

[Love Always]

Marking my spot for later.

 

[makeupgirl]

I can say that for me dating doesn't work. I know it's to gather data but it feels too much like a job interview. anyhoo, I've kinda giving up in that department. I want a relationship, a courtship that will possibly lead to marriage and I have never had that. The long relationship I've been in was for 6 months and that was in 9th grade.

My heart is sensitive when it comes to my love life. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm a hopeless romantic. My last boyfriend was actually an ex from my early teens and he actually thought I was the one and I too but dude was just after one thing that he didn't get from me at 13 and I havent' seen him since. So, my love life is most definitely in the Lord's hands and I already asked him that the next dating experience/relationship would be with future hubby boo. Until that happens, I've taken an early retirement.

**I just thought about something...I did just go way outside the topic I'm so sorry...

 

[Glib Gurl]

OP, I used to think that until I read How to Find a Date Worth Keeping, which is a dating book for Christians. The basic concept is that dating is oh-kay. Not only ok, but necessary. It allows you to learn about yourself, other people and actually to, you know, *meet* a potential spouse And it doesn't talk about dating people like they're just "fish in the sea," which I think is one of the ideas that holds back a lot of Christians from dating (like me )

The excerpt below really was what really did it for me - I hope this blesses you

The evening began routinely enough. The team producing my weekend seminar in Cincinnati and I were out to dinner. We discussed lighthearted things as we ordered our meal. It was more a moment to stop and catch our breath than to have life-altering discussions.

Little did anyone know what was about to take place.

"I never thought I'd be doing what I'm doing now at this point in my life," Lillie said, innocently talking about her work.
"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, I always thought I would be married and have children by now."

Oh, I thought to myself. That makes sense. A lot of women feel that in their mid-thirties. I understood what she was saying, until she continued.

"But God hasn't chosen that for me."

My ears perked up. I wondered what she meant. While I believe that God leads us and guides us in life, I also wondered why she blamed her situation on God. Both the psychologist and the theologian in me bristled, wondering what responsibility she might be shirking regarding her undesired singleness. I knew her well enough to know she might have some issues contributing to her single state.

"What do you mean, 'God hasn't chosen that?'" I asked.

"Well, I believe God brings the man into your life you are to marry, and he hasn't brought that man to me yet," she replied. That was enough to get me going, but her next line really did it. "Or, he hasn't given me the feelings I would need for the men he has brought into my life."

"God hasn't 'given you the feelings?' What does that mean?"

"Well, God gives you the feelings for the person he wants you to marry, and that hasn't happened with any of the men I know."

"Whose feelings are they--yours or God's?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, sounding a little bugged.

"Well, it just sounds like you blame God for a lot. How do you know he hasn't brought ten great men into your life, but you have things inside of you that make you incapable of feeling what you would need to feel for them? How do you know your issues aren't getting in the way of recognizing and falling in love with a good man if he did come along? Why do you just assume this is God's fault?"

I felt as though I was on a bit of a mission, defending God's honor.

"I disagree. God will bring the right man to me, and until then, I just need to wait."

"How is that going?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, how long has it been since you went on a date?"

She hesitated, looking embarrassed. I didn't mean to put her on the spot; in fact, she had been so assertive in stating her case and so aggressive in coming after me when I challenged it that her sheepishness caught me off guard.

"Two years," she said.

"What?"

"It has been two years since I have been on a date," she confessed.

 

[Glib Gurl]

How could that be, I wondered. She was outgoing and attractive, a real people person of the highest order-traits that usually make dating come easily. Then it occurred to me. Her lack of dates had to be a combination of her sitting back and waiting for the man of her dreams to come and find her and some personal dynamics interfering with her desire to be married. I could think of no other reason someone who actually wanted to have a man in her life would be that stuck.

Then something changed in me. Up until that point, Lillie and I had been in a friendly debate. Everyone at the table had gotten caught up in the banter. But, when I saw the reality of the situation--an attractive young woman in the prime of her life, yet unhappy--I felt for her. I wanted to help. And if I were right, I knew I could.


So, I issued a challenge: "I will make you a deal, Lillie. I will be your dating coach. I guarantee that if you will do whatever I tell you, you will be dating in six months."

She looked at me, stunned. "What?"

"Just what I said. I'll be your dating coach, and if you will do whatever I say, I guarantee you'll be dating in six months. But there is a catch. I demand total obedience. You have to do everything I tell you, no questions asked. And I promise I will not ask you to do anything immoral, unethical, or illegal. But you have to do whatever I tell you."

Everyone at the table fell silent. I could see the others wondering whether or not they would subject themselves to such a mystery challenge. And I could see Lillie weighing the same thing. Did she really want to do such a crazy thing? Agree to conform to a totally unknown plan, just like that? I could also see that she was ticked at my challenging her "way" of thinking about dating. She wanted to accept the "bet" and prove me wrong. The latter attitude, I suspect, is what won out.

With the others hanging in suspense, she growled at me: "Fine. You're on."

I didn't really think she'd accept my challenge, but I was ready.

I jumped right into it.

"Okay, here is your first assignment. For one month I want you to keep a log of all the new men you meet and email it to me at the end of every week. Send me the names so we can count how many new men come into your life and have a chance to ask you out."

"Are you joking?" she said. "I don't need an assignment for that. I can tell you right now. None."

"What do you mean, 'None'?" I asked.

"Exactly that. I never meet anyone new. Every day I go to the office and see the same six or eight people. Then I go home, eat dinner, and watch TV with my roommate. Then on Saturday, I run errands and hang out, and on Sunday I go to the same church and see the same people I always see. That is what happens every week. I never meet any new men to go out with."

"I don't care. I still want you to keep a log. And for the men to count, they have to fulfill three requirements. First, they have to be new men you've never met before. Second, they have to have enough of an interaction with you to want to ask you out. And, third, they have to have enough information to ask you out, such as your name or know how to find you. No pressure to have any dates right now. I just want to understand your situation. If the number is zero, that's fine. We can work with that. I just need to know what the picture really looks like."


She was not impressed with my first assignment. How was calculating her misery going to get her a date? she was probably wondering, thinking that this was going to be an easy challenge to win. But this assignment wasn't meant to help her get a date--yet. I was trying to get her to come out of denial and see the reality of her situation.

For two years her dating life had been stagnant, and she was denying that reality with a philosophy that if you do nothing, God will somehow step in and provide a man. That way of thinking, which I knew was nowhere in the Bible, kept her from seeing she was very, very stuck. My goal was to get her to see the reality of her situation and to get very discouraged. I wanted her to see that what she was doing was not working and that it had been that way for a long time. I wanted that realization to sink in and bother her. My trying to convince her that she was wrong was not going to work. She was too sure she was right. I wanted her to realize the reality of her dating life for herself. Just as balancing a checkbook can wake one up to one's lack of money, keeping a log would awaken Lillie to her lack of dates.

I had many other assignments lurking in the back of my mind to give her. And after she completed this first one, I gave them to her one by one. She obeyed, fully. I have to hand it to her: She stuck with the "program."
Here is the result: In five months, she was in a significant dating relationship. So, I won the bet. But it didn't end there. Just a few months ago, I officiated at her wedding to a wonderful man.

When I talked to her the other day, she laughed about how it had all happened. "Being married is so cool," she said. And then she stopped herself and quickly added, "But it is only cool if you are with the right person."
I was so happy for her. She got her dream, and she got it with a good person. That to me was the full victory: not just to be dating--usually an easily achievable goal--but to be dating a good person, the kind worth keeping.


Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Famil...snt-Chosen-That-For-Me.aspx?p=2#ixzz1RYo1kOWF

 

[Renewed1]

After reading the above and thinking about my own situation. Dating and courtship is interchangeable. You can't get to the courtship without the dating. You have to define what dating is for yourself. I consider dating a potential courtship with a partner. Courtship will begin once we *think* we are right for one another. I feel within 3 dates and alot of praying I will know if the guy is worth my time.

But I have to be open and make myself available to be noticed. Personally, I'm not a serial dater, I NEVER been the type to date multiple men. Unless, God says otherwise, that probably will never be apart of my life.

For myself, I asked God to lead and guide me and put me on the fast track. But there isn't a "one size fit all" for everyone. As a Christian, you have to go to God yourself and allow Him to lead you and guide you. I will say this, some mustard seed faith and some works, with the leading of the Holy Spirit. Can do wonders....

 

[Love Always]

To answer the OP questions, yes I do think dating works.

Glib Gurl, that excerpt you posted rings true for many of us singles. Some expect God to bring us a husband without putting any leg work in. That logic simply doesen't work and it hasn't worked. Sadly enough there is a large group of us single Christian women that don't date at all . I also agree with MarriageMaterial post.