Learning to Forgive
- Thread starter Livingmylifetothefullest
- Start date
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=360741&highlight=forgive
I posted an article on this topic awhile back and it does work. Reframing your image of the person. Example, I have a person who betrayed me very much instead of focusing on that one incident: I focused on the good they did while the were in my life and I rewrote the story of that incident where I had pity on her for her short comings and I hope one day she can become the better person. It was hard to do the exercise but it works. I do not feel the need to reconcile with the person but I honestly can pray for her and wish her well.
I am a Christian...this may not seem to be the Christian approach but it works and I think it is a Christian approach of looking over an offense.
So if a Person/Group Reject you...don't hate them/be angry hurt....Just say they were given miss information about me and I pray they learn that there is more than one side of a story. I feel sorry for them.
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Laela
Sidestepping the "lynch mob"
Your post is thought-provoking.... but I wanted to interject something. I'd posted something on Pity a while back and I'll post it here. I think the danger in pitying people (from a Christian perspective) as opposed to showing sympathy or compassion, is it puts the 'pitier' in a position of feeling superior or even enabling the pitied. That's not how Christ wants us to see one another or treat each other, IMHO. There's that saying "pity makes suffering contagious". I don't feel it's right to pity people but to show compassion.
I agree w/ you on just praying about an event and moving on...
We can love people -- and I mean a geniune, God-infused Agape Love -- from a distance without causing any harm.
=======================================================
A Word on Character: Compassion
Compassion, of course, doesn't mean feeling sorry for people, pitying people. Compassion, com-pas-sion, means 'to feel with.'
Dictionary's meaning: Sympathetic consciousness of others' distress along with a desire to alleviate it.
What the Word says Compassion is:
* The Lord will always have compassion on us. (2 Kings 13:23, Nehemiah 9:27, Psalm 103:13, Isaiah 54:8) Does the Lord expect something from us in return?
* Jesus felt compassion to those in need. (Matthew 9:36, 14:14, 15:32, 20:34, Mark 6:34, 8:2, Luke 15:20, etc.)
* Those who walk with the Lord will have compassion. (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:12-13, Philippians 2:1-2, 1 Peter 3:8)
* Compassion fulfills the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
To do:
1. Pray specifically to become a person of greater compassion.
2. Seek to be a Good Samaritan to the person in need that you have identified.
Showing compassion, not pity, for others is my challenge for today.
Source: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=349911&page=105
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I agree w/ you on just praying about an event and moving on...
We can love people -- and I mean a geniune, God-infused Agape Love -- from a distance without causing any harm. =======================================================
A Word on Character: Compassion
Compassion, of course, doesn't mean feeling sorry for people, pitying people. Compassion, com-pas-sion, means 'to feel with.'
Dictionary's meaning: Sympathetic consciousness of others' distress along with a desire to alleviate it.
What the Word says Compassion is:
* The Lord will always have compassion on us. (2 Kings 13:23, Nehemiah 9:27, Psalm 103:13, Isaiah 54:8) Does the Lord expect something from us in return?
* Jesus felt compassion to those in need. (Matthew 9:36, 14:14, 15:32, 20:34, Mark 6:34, 8:2, Luke 15:20, etc.)
* Those who walk with the Lord will have compassion. (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:12-13, Philippians 2:1-2, 1 Peter 3:8)
* Compassion fulfills the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
To do:
1. Pray specifically to become a person of greater compassion.
2. Seek to be a Good Samaritan to the person in need that you have identified.
Showing compassion, not pity, for others is my challenge for today.
Source: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=349911&page=105
=======================================================
Blessed_Angel
New Member
Very true...I've been dealing with this issue for too many years now.
Just what I needed!
Thank you for sharing.
Blessed_Angel
New Member
I have a question...I can forgive people of the things they've done, but it depends on who it is. I can forgive strangers and fake friends, but it's so hard for the family that I really love.
But how do you forgive someone who continues to keep hurting you, such a parent (in my case, parents).
It's like getting hit by a bus; soon as you heal from the wounds, you get run over again...and again and again. How do you heal when they keep hurting you?
Now, they're no longer a part of my life, but it's still painful that my dd doesn't have a relationship with her grandparents. They're in their 70's and you would think at this age where you don't know how long they have to be here, but they can't even spend that time with their grandchildren (not just my dd).
So, how can you forgive someone who keeps hurting you? It's not like the pain has stopped or ended.
Advice, please.
TIA
But how do you forgive someone who continues to keep hurting you, such a parent (in my case, parents).
It's like getting hit by a bus; soon as you heal from the wounds, you get run over again...and again and again. How do you heal when they keep hurting you?
Now, they're no longer a part of my life, but it's still painful that my dd doesn't have a relationship with her grandparents. They're in their 70's and you would think at this age where you don't know how long they have to be here, but they can't even spend that time with their grandchildren (not just my dd).
So, how can you forgive someone who keeps hurting you? It's not like the pain has stopped or ended.
Advice, please.
TIA
Poohbear
Fearfully Wonderfully Made
I feel you. I am someone who usually can forgive others easily, but it can be hard depending on what that certain person does to hurt me regardless of their closeness or relationship with me.
For instance, I'm somewhat in your situation of getting continuously hurt except it's my father (not both parents), not physically, but verbally and psychologically. Just his mere presence can sometimes make me cringe which I feel like has built up over the years. He's very controlling and negative. Now that I'm older, I have been able to deal with it better and have seen it as "he's never going to change, that's just the way he is." So that saying helps me be able to forgive him for anything he does to hurt me. And I'm forgiving him without him even apologizing which is really tough. He doesn't feel like he does any wrong. So I just put it in God's hands.
And just recently, I was having problems with my sister who hurt me deeply. I stopped all communication with her because of the things she had done. But after she apologized, I was able to forgive and we are now talking. I haven't forgotten what she has done, but I don't dwell on it or let it hang over my head. I just put it in the back of my mind and just take it for what it is.
So my advice would be for you to do your best to put that hurt from your parents out of your mind. Let God handle it for you. Don't let it haunt your mind or heart. I know it's going to be hard, but that's what works for me. Just treat them like you want to be treated and keep showing them respect. Everyone has their flaws and it can be tough to overlook the flaws of others while easily looking past our own flaws. Hope that helps!
Blessed_Angel
New Member
I'm sorry about what you're going through with your father.
Thanks for your advice. I have been trying to do that (put it in God's hands)....it's very hard though. Especially when I want to forget, but am constantly reminded. For example, when my friend complains that her father is no longer with her mother and is a dead beat, and doesn't even call her, I'm reminded that my father is the same; except he's still with my mother!! It's not just me he treats this way; it's his 9 kids and over 15 grandchildren and 3 great grands. We all can't believe that he acts like we don't even exist; and my parents are still together! They've been married for over 35 years, but they might as well have divorced, it seems.
And his children from his other wife thinks I'm getting all his "love" cause my parents are still together; they don't know that he doesn't care any about any us. They of course, don't believe me when I tell them.
I'll pray on it...
mscocoface
Well-Known Member
BA you may need to develop some boundaries with your parents. If the situation is abusive you may have to determine to break all ties just to save yourself.
I don't know your details, if you can confide in someone you trust I would suggest that.
You can love them from a distance. There is no rule that says you have to keep getting hurt by them because they are your parents.
I don't know your details, if you can confide in someone you trust I would suggest that.
You can love them from a distance. There is no rule that says you have to keep getting hurt by them because they are your parents.
Poohbear
Fearfully Wonderfully Made
I have a brother and sister and 1 nephew (my sister's son) and my father treats us the same. Very controlling and negative. The thing that really kills us is that he puts on a new personality in front of church folks. Away from church, it's a different story. He acts so frustrated, helpless, overbearing, and just plain negative all the time. Complains all the time. He is mean to my mother who is the most peaceful woman on earth. He tries to use the Bible against us to fit his opinions and agendas. It's just too much. My parents have been married for 32 years. My brother and I still live with our parents. I moved there in March 2009 and now that I've had this job, I'm hoping to make a move out soon just to have more peace of mind. I cringe when he comes home, even when he may not be in a bad mood. It's just something I psychologically developed. But I just try my best to forget about what he has done. I guess I've somewhat become numb to his words and actions because they're so predictable. That's how bad it is. I hope everything works out in your situation. I agree with mscocoface as well, love from a distance and try your best to be cordial with your parents and other family members.I'm sorry about what you're going through with your father.
Thanks for your advice. I have been trying to do that (put it in God's hands)....it's very hard though. Especially when I want to forget, but am constantly reminded. For example, when my friend complains that her father is no longer with her mother and is a dead beat, and doesn't even call her, I'm reminded that my father is the same; except he's still with my mother!! It's not just me he treats this way; it's his 9 kids and over 15 grandchildren and 3 great grands. We all can't believe that he acts like we don't even exist; and my parents are still together! They've been married for over 35 years, but they might as well have divorced, it seems.
And his children from his other wife thinks I'm getting all his "love" cause my parents are still together; they don't know that he doesn't care any about any us. They of course, don't believe me when I tell them.
I'll pray on it...
Livingmylifetothefullest
Well-Known Member
I received my book and all I can is, this book is awesome. I'm not finished reading it yet but thanks ladies for the recommendation. I can really now start to feel the weight slowly lifting off my body
and just becoming free....Praise God! Praise God! This book truly is a gem that can be used by everyone. Like I said you, have to continually practicing to apply it. It's working for me already. I spoke with one person who offended me and the book (no pun intended, lol)is now closed on that situation. I will continue to do this so that my heart can be right before the Lord. I don't want to block God's presence or anointing in my life in any way. Good for you. Keep reading.Keep applying.I received my book and all I can is, this book is awesome. I'm not finished reading it yet but thanks ladies for the recommendation. I can really now start to feel the weight slowly lifting off my body
julzinha
Well-Known Member
LHCF2009 I know what you're talking about it happened to me when I was 12 and a close friend hurt me so bad I cried for days and I prayed sooo much for God to help me. This was the loneliest moments of my life and I was only 12. I felt like I had no one and I wanted to disappear. I suffered so much emotionally for years while she went about her life with her friends. I closed myself off to people for soooo long and the wall was sooo thick and the facade was impenetrable. For years, I didn't consider most people friends because i felt they would all hurt me the way she did. And I never talked about it until I reached 16 because of the pent up anger and sadness and so many other emotions. I started having anxiety attacks and i thought I had depression. When I finally talked about it and forgave her wholeheartedly and only wished positive things for her in her life did I finally feel at peace with myself. Because you have to feel at peace with yourself! I suffered so long while she went about her life and although I can say that I have overcome so much since that in terms of trusting people and valuing myself. It all came from giving myself everything that person took away and releasing all those resentments because it will eat at you. It may take time but you have to start because YOU ARE WORTH IT! and that persons actions will continue to plague you. Prayer and Action. Those memories won't go away but your outlook on how they affect you can change greatly.
ToyToy
Well-Known Member
I know this is old. I hope you are much better. Being able to forgive is really hard, especially when unforgiveness is "warranted". What helped me is placing my feelings about the particular person on the altar, and being very honest with God. Tell Him that you don't want to feel or think this way. I know from personal experience that this works. God has a way of healing you without you even noticing, because He will keep you busy. I haven't read the whole thread, but I'm sure you've received great advice.
Livingmylifetothefullest
Well-Known Member
I'm getting there
, it's a very long process but day by day, the weight is lifting. I really think the best thing for me is to move to another state and start fresh, which I hope to do this or next year. What's partly making it difficult is that I see some of these people everyday and here come the memories so if I move some place that I don't know anyone, I can finally feel at peace somewhat.
ToyToy
Well-Known Member
I'm getting there
I'm not going to go into details, but I was in a similar situation last year. I was hurt by someone very, very close to me and still had to work with them week after week several days a week (we go to the same church). That made things really hard for me, because I was hurting, offended, angry and growing bitter. I really hated, that the person (and people affiliated with this person) had such an impact on me, but they did. I also hated feeling this way, because it affected other areas of my life.
This is why I said, take it to the altar. I was very honest with God, even though the way I felt was not pretty (or godly). But I didn't want to hate this person, so I asked God to 1) heal me, 2) heal this person, 3) take away any negativity towards this person or the situation. It wasn't easy, but as the months trickled by, my attitude changed. And then this person's behaviour towards me changed. By the end of '09, we were able to talk things through. And now things are almost back to normal.
I'm not saying the same will happen to you, as I don't know the details of what happened to you, but God can and will heal you. Many times, it is our attitude that has to change *first* before the situation changes. Kind of like, if you radiate positivity *first*, people and good things naturally attach themselves to you.
I feel you on making a fresh start! I feel that way every now and again. Don't know if I would ever have the guts, though...
(((hugs))) and God's peace and strength
.
lilanie
New Member
Praise God for this thread! I too have some situations that require me to forgive. Its funny, I've forgiven those who have abused my body, but haven't to those who have abused my mind - I find that to be curious.
I am excited to get the readings suggested (when finances permit) and will start implementing the rest today.
I found this thread this am after another exhausting discussion with my kid about our inateractions, motivations and priorities. I must say, just reading the words of compassion and encouragement have lifted my spirits tremendously and changed my disposition. I can tell you I used to be a regular "rumplestiltskin" (hopping, snapping mad upon being wronged), now I am more taken aback than anything else. I thank God for that change!
God bless you LHCF09 and I am lifting you up in prayer - as well as all readers/posters to this thread.
I am excited to get the readings suggested (when finances permit) and will start implementing the rest today.
I found this thread this am after another exhausting discussion with my kid about our inateractions, motivations and priorities. I must say, just reading the words of compassion and encouragement have lifted my spirits tremendously and changed my disposition. I can tell you I used to be a regular "rumplestiltskin" (hopping, snapping mad upon being wronged), now I am more taken aback than anything else. I thank God for that change!
God bless you LHCF09 and I am lifting you up in prayer - as well as all readers/posters to this thread.
Nice Lady
Well-Known Member
This is such a real thread and LHCF 2009, you took the first step toward forgiveness. We all struggle with it and some Christians even Joyce Meyer talked about her struggle with it and even an offense that took grace. The main thing is ask God for grace to forgive the person and pray for God to bless the person. Initially, you will be screaming on the inside but eventually if continue to pray for them regardless of what happened. You will forgive them. The devil tries to convince us with words such as "never" or what's the use. However, at least you were honest--a lot of people tend to pretend like they never had this struggle.
Every single time the memories come up, forgive them and even out loud especially if you are by yourself: "Thank God, I forgive XYZ for what they did and I pray a blessing on them right now." Do that every single time even if it is a year and a half.
I completely understand. Thanks for the thread and your transperancy.
Every single time the memories come up, forgive them and even out loud especially if you are by yourself: "Thank God, I forgive XYZ for what they did and I pray a blessing on them right now." Do that every single time even if it is a year and a half.
I completely understand. Thanks for the thread and your transperancy.
Livingmylifetothefullest
Well-Known Member
Since the thanks button is gone, I still wanted to thank all of you ladies for the advice and encouragement, and it's great to know that this thread is/maybe helping someone who feels their in this difficult position in life.
God Bless You All
God Bless You All
loolalooh
Well-Known Member
This thread made me realize that I haven't truly forgiven some of those that I thought I had forgiven ... Trying to forget does not equate to forgiving. Rather forgiveness leads to letting go as someone stated. The stuff I tried to forget still upsets me when I remember them. They've also manifested themselves as judgments on other people ...
Will read the rest of this at home and order that book. Thanks.
Will read the rest of this at home and order that book. Thanks.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I'm getting there
I hope you are able to move away and get the fresh start you want. Being physically away from the situation and the people involved can be very freeing and will give you clarity. And you will meet many new wonderful people who won't hurt you. God bless and I wish you all the best.
Livingmylifetothefullest
Well-Known Member
I had another relapse but I will breakthrough this wall if it's the last thing I do.
HeChangedMyName
Well-Known Member
Change your focus. Forget about them and focus purely on the forgiveness God has given you. Let him teach you how to accept His forgiveness so that foregiving will become easier for you.
Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting. You have a mind, it retains memories. They wont go away mysteriously.
But, when you truly learn to accept God's foregiveness it makes forgiving soooooooooooooooooooo much easier. I've been there. hurt to the point that is was physical. damaged, emotionally hurt and wanted revenge plus ten.
But through prayer, I learned that I wasn't sold on the idea that God could or had foregiven me for my own mess. I still held my own sins over my head and felt like any thing bad that ever happened to me was a direct punishment for some previous sin of my own and that God orchestrated it all.
The reality is that once I became saved, I was forgiven. And because I was forgiven, I became as Christ and could in turn forgive. However, when you are not in your rightful position as an heir with Jesus, forgiving can seem intangible.
Keep praying. Stay in the Word. Keep seeking God on the matter and He will help you. It will take time but He will get you there.
Proof: the one person who hurt me the most in life was going through a situation. terrible situation. no one showed up to help him out. he "friends" all disappeared. God led me to go in my pocket, my fridge, my gas tank and emotionally to be there for that person. I wrestled with it. didn't want to do it. asked God why he was trying to get me to play myself, but I did it. I forgave and let it go. and I don't regret it.
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