Sensitive topic---proceed with caution.

kikigirl

Well-Known Member
I an a survivor of childhood sexual abuse around ages 7-9. I shut it down for most of my adult life, but finally, around 25-26 yrs old, God helped me unpack all the repressed stuff and brought forth healing.

I told DF about this before engagement, and we later discussed this and its potential ramifications during pre-marital counseling. We'll be getting married on March 16. I feel restored, and have no fears. However, this is still a sensitive topic, and DF knows this fact. Aside from some Christian mentors, counselors, and a couple of close girlfriends of mine, DF is the only one to know. I haven't even told my parents what happened.

Last year, DF and I visited his sister on Christmas Eve, on the way to see my family. During our conversation, she said something of the effect of "This martial art I practice helps me release some of the darkness and anger I have inside." Nodding in my direction, she said "You must understand, given some of the things in your past". For a second I was like "Huh?" And made a mental note to later ask DF if he'd told her anything. I didn't press in the moment, and she just kept talking.

This is a solid Christian girl too, and a great person that wouldn't blabber about people's stuff. I like her, and have her as one of my bridesmaids. However, we aren't close enough or haven't been in a context where I would have told her about my CSA past.

Recently, the sister wrote an article about how she overcame sexual addiction, on a Christian website, and linked it to her Facebook account. It was a great story, honest, and definitely a challenging topic for Christian teens, young adults, and parents alike.

This reminded me that I hadn't asked DF about what he had told her about me. I feel somewhat upset that he shared something so personal and intimate with an outsider (even though he is very close with his sister and family) without my permission. It's not the "fear of sharing" per se. I've done that in safe contexts, with trusted folks in support groups, to help another struggling survivor, etc... I think this is something so tied up to my personal struggles and journey in the faith that no one should take upon himself/herself to share it without my explicit permission.

I am getting pretty upset at DF, and tomorrow morning, will ask him what exactly was said. An I overreacting?

PS: DF normally does not have a loose mouth. But I want to establish some rules for now, before we get married. Granted this happened before marriage, but some things should be kept to oneself once shared. Or even if disclosed, done so only to an impartial third party like a therapist or pastor, etc...not a relative.
 
I think you should pray first and then ask him.....

When it comes to something so sensitive it would be great if you guys talk it over to clear up any misunderstandings and establish boundaries.
 
Forgive him...the anger you feel is not all about him but still about the abuse and the pain that you endured.

You are still healing... :giveheart:

Forgive him.

Then talk to him about it.

However, First "Forgive Him".

satan has tossed his first attack against your relationship. Therefore satan is the one who deserves the anger, not your future husband.

Forgive Him

Talk to him in love. Ask him in love. Such as: "Honey, does your sister know anything about my past? I ask because the way she presented her conversation to me, seemed as if she knew what I only shared with you.
Does she know about my past?

Then let him answer. Whatever he says, forgive him. And in love ask him not to share what you share with him with anyone unless the two of you discuss it first.

Forgive him. Give satan a black eye and forgive your DF.

Then let it go and continue preparing for your beautiful wedding.

OH and Ummmmmm I want to see LOTS of pictures. I also send the blessings of God upon the two of you to always be at peace with each other for eternity.

Forgive Him. :love3:
 
Shimmie, you are so kind.

Yes, I will forgive him. And there will be many pictures of the wedding. :)
 
I agree- you should Forgive him as Satan is testing your relationship especially a Godly union From my own experiences I do know how you feel as it is a sensitive topic but revealing to your DF your personal battles was a great start to overcoming this

What i've been told is that marriage is mostly about forgiveness and picking your battles....pray about it...forgive him...talk about it....and pray about it agian with your partner!

Congrats on the engagement by the way!
 
Congratulations!!!!!

Your right about first establishing boundaries and when you approach him..please don't do it in an accusatory manner. I also agree that you should forgive him. Yayyyyy I'm happy for you
 
I am in agreement with the other ladies, forgive him. Also look at it in this light, as traumatic as this experience has been for you also understand that because he loves you dearly it pains him to know that you had to endure this. His hearts also bleeds for you and just maybe it was a little heavy on his heart and he needed counsel from someone who could understand his anguish in this situation. I think we sometimes expect our spouses to bear the brunt of all our pains because they are the man and they are strong but we have to understand that they to feel and are vulnerable also. He may have needed some insight as to how to help you or how to deal with it himself. Be kind and gentle with him and ask The Lord for guidance on how to approach him about how it made you feel, if you feel the need to discuss it further. This is not a deal breaker its just a wonderful opportunity to open up more dialogue about how you two handle, personal and sensitive information in your relationship. Dont allow satan to cause confusion in your relationship, put him under your feet and keep him there!
 
Well, when you confront him tomorrow, don't start with "you did....you do...xyz." Bring up the subject matter calmly and pray beforehand even meeting up with him. Let him know how much you appreciate him and respect him. Then bring up the topic of confidentiality and how you value it. Then give him the 411 of how his sister responded to you in public about something very sensitive in nature and alluded to you. You want to know if he did it...if he will admit it and be direct with him. "Did you tell her something about my past when I was promised this was going to be kept in confidentiality?" Explain that you don't tell anyone these things and he is privileged to have known.

If he admits it, you need to let him know exactly how you hurt, are angered, have mistrust, disappointment...everything about it. You need to also let him know that this is not how someone enters marriage and that his actions (if guilty) are not at all in line with what you consider to be a faithful mate. Don't enter marriage with baggage.

These are my own personal thoughts: he is bothered that you have been "compromised." Do you know if he wanted to marry a virgin? Maybe he was trying to weigh out if he wanted to go through with it and consulted his sister? There could be a number of issues he's thinking on. Ask for his honest opinion regarding the abuse.

I hope it works out for the best.
 
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Congratulations kikigirl, on your impending marriage! :flowers:

I agree with all about forgiving him in your heart.. esp asking God to help you what what to say before the talk. Forgiveness is most important thing in any relationship, especially a marriage.. not only will it give the devil a black eye, it will strenghthen your union.
 
Forgive him...the anger you feel is not all about him but still about the abuse and the pain that you endured.

You are still healing... :giveheart:

Forgive him.

Then talk to him about it.

However, First "Forgive Him".

satan has tossed his first attack against your relationship. Therefore satan is the one who deserves the anger, not your future husband.

Forgive Him

Talk to him in love. Ask him in love. Such as: "Honey, does your sister know anything about my past? I ask because the way she presented her conversation to me, seemed as if she knew what I only shared with you.
Does she know about my past?

Then let him answer. Whatever he says, forgive him. And in love ask him not to share what you share with him with anyone unless the two of you discuss it first.

Forgive him. Give satan a black eye and forgive your DF.

Then let it go and continue preparing for your beautiful wedding.

OH and Ummmmmm I want to see LOTS of pictures. I also send the blessings of God upon the two of you to always be at peace with each other for eternity.

Forgive Him. :love3:

Well said!
 
Thanks so much for your good counsel, ladies. I'm so thankful that I didn't speak in anger last night and accuse him of things he hadn't done. I was in a bad place, had a disagreement with my mom about the wedding dresses, and everything suddenly was such a big deal. Having just read the article from DF's sister, I got "ready for an argument" because I was so sad. :(



Well, today, I calmed down, forgave him (in case he'd said anything), then approached him in a non-accusatory manner. He told me that he hadn't shared anything about my past with anyone, family or friend.

It was all a misunderstanding, from my end. He was with me when the conversation with his sister happened. She was either 1) talking to him 2) assuming something about me. DF also practices a martial art (I don't), so I can see how she could have been talking to him rather than me. Thinking back at the rest of the conversation, I feel silly. DF had explained to her that in his case, he didn't practice martial art to release any deep anger, but rather because it gave him focus and discipline and the ability to defend his loved ones, if it was ever needed.

Yes, I totally got paranoid over nothing. DF reassured me today that he hasn't and wouldn't discuss anything about me or us (or himself in some areas) without first discussing it with me. He understands my need for privacy and has been such a sweetheart and a supportive, loving man. I feel blessed beyond measures.
 
Well, when you confront him tomorrow, don't start with "you did....you do...xyz." Bring up the subject matter calmly and pray beforehand even meeting up with him. Let him know how much you appreciate him and respect him. Then bring up the topic of confidentiality and how you value it. Then give him the 411 of how his sister responded to you in public about something very sensitive in nature and alluded to you. You want to know if he did it...if he will admit it and be direct with him. "Did you tell her something about my past when I was promised this was going to be kept in confidentiality?" Explain that you don't tell anyone these things and he is privileged to have known.

If he admits it, you need to let him know exactly how you hurt, are angered, have mistrust, disappointment...everything about it. You need to also let him know that this is not how someone enters marriage and that his actions (if guilty) are not at all in line with what you consider to be a faithful mate. Don't enter marriage with baggage.

These are my own personal thoughts: he is bothered that you have been "compromised." Do you know if he wanted to marry a virgin? Maybe he was trying to weigh out if he wanted to go through with it and consulted his sister? There could be a number of issues he's thinking on. Ask for his honest opinion regarding the abuse.

I hope it works out for the best.

Auparavant, your personal thoughts used to be mine too. That's why I felt so betrayed. One if the hurdles of the healing journey is reforming an identity rooted in Christ, and not what was done to you. I used to live with the fear that I'd be seen as "damaged goods" by my future husband. So the thought that DF might have shared my past with his YOUNGER sister (not even an older mentor or a pastor) in an attempt to determine if I was "good enough" hurt so badly and reawakened those old fears.

DF has always been very good at reassuring me and comforting me about my doubts. We talked prior to engagement (I wanted to make sure he knew before proposing), and during pre-marital counseling...We actually had a pre-engagement counseling training that morphed into premarital a few months into it after DF proposed.
 
kikigirl said:
Thanks so much for your good counsel, ladies. I'm so thankful that I didn't speak in anger last night and accuse him of things he hadn't done. I was in a bad place, had a disagreement with my mom about the wedding dresses, and everything suddenly was such a big deal. Having just read the article from DF's sister, I got "ready for an argument" because I was so sad. :(

Well, today, I calmed down, forgave him (in case he'd said anything), then approached him in a non-accusatory manner. He told me that he hadn't shared anything about my past with anyone, family or friend.

It was all a misunderstanding, from my end. He was with me when the conversation with his sister happened. She was either 1) talking to him 2) assuming something about me. DF also practices a martial art (I don't), so I can see how she could have been talking to him rather than me. Thinking back at the rest of the conversation, I feel silly. DF had explained to her that in his case, he didn't practice martial art to release any deep anger, but rather because it gave him focus and discipline and the ability to defend his loved ones, if it was ever needed.

Yes, I totally got paranoid over nothing. DF reassured me today that he hasn't and wouldn't discuss anything about me or us (or himself in some areas) without first discussing it with me. He understands my need for privacy and has been such a sweetheart and a supportive, loving man. I feel blessed beyond measures.

Fabulous! Just goes to show we need to stop jumping to conclusions. In other words, always choose to believe the best and get clarity.
 
Glad you sorted it all out. It's important to be able to hold your own in a relationship and not fear speaking openly and honestly. Glad to know he's a man of integrity.
 
So happy things worked out! Congrats to both of you on your upcoming marriage. May God continue to bless you two and grant you His divine favor!
 
I am so happy things went well, Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.God has given you the desires of your heart! I wish you success in your relationship, your marriage. I'm praying that you both have peace behond understanding, and joy unspoken! Stay strong in the Lord, have patience he will restore all that the devil has stolen from you 7 times more. What the enemy meant for bad God meant for good.
 
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