The Gift of Singleness

[Bunny77]

NOT at all what you think... I've been doing a lot of research and thinking over the summer about being single, etc., and after reading this blog and the book recommended in this blog, I have done a complete 180!

I thank God for this breakthrough and I hope it helps some other ladies here as well...

http://thegiftofsingleness.blogspot.com/

It has recently been decided that singleness is a "gift", therefore singles should be content, wait on the Lord and God will just land the perfect husband or wife in our laps at the right time - or not. Alternatively, like all Christian leaders and theologians prior to our generation, you could take the view that this is a load of horsefeathers... This blog is brought to you by the voice of Biblical reason, Captain Sensible, and his nutty sidekick, Frieda Fruitcake.

And also... Debbie Maken's book is the best one I've purchased in a LONG time!

Here's a review of it...
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001254.cfm

Here's where to get it...
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Serious-About-Married-Rethinking/dp/1581347413

 

[*Muffin*]

I remember reading in the Bible the Apostle Paul speaking of the gift of singleness. He said that it is a blessing because you have no distractions and you can be 100% devoted to God, whereas when you are married part of your devotion must go to your husband and any children that come along. He also said that if you absolutely cannot stay single, as in you may commit fornication because of your "needs", then go ahead and get married. Being single isn't worth committing a sin. There's benefits of being married and being single. I guess it's up to each individual to determine what's right for them. Great topic, BTW .

 

[PaperClip]

Being single isn't worth committing a sin. There's benefits of being married and being single. I guess it's up to each individual to determine what's right for them.

I'd appreciate some clarity on this comment, esp. the bolded part....

Of course there are benefits on both sides (singleness vs. marriage). I have come into greater recognition that, simply put, just because the grass LOOKS greener doesn't mean it is GREENER or BETTER, particularly if it is the Lord's will that one be in a particular state at a particular time....

The Bible says that it is better to marry than to burn.... I cannot lie.... I'm burning right now.... and I love the Lord....and those who frequent the Christian forum know my story...my age... but for the grace of God....

 

[Bunny77]

Hi CC! Thanks for the kind words. I'll respond more to your post later when I'm near my Bible and can transcribe I Corinthians 7, which is the verse in which the Apostle Paul talks about singleness... Debbie Maken and her supporters have an interpretation of that verse that I hadn't heard before and I'll detail it more when I get a chance.

Meanwhile, here is one of the latest posts on the Gift of Singleness blog (based in England, btw... but it sounds like they're going through the same things as we are). I LOVE what they are saying here!!!

P.S. RelaxerRehab, have you heard of Maken's book and read any of these types of works? I have read many of your posts and I really thought of you when I was reading this material... I'd be interested in your thoughts!

Christianity magazine: A glimmer of hope?
Captain Sensible writes: I was encouraged by a letter in the November issue of Christianity magazine, particularly as it received top billing.
The letter begins:

"I had mixed feelings as I read the various letters that have appeared in Feedback recently regarding Christian singles and the church. Dare I believe that at last the murmurings of many singles over the years are at last being picked up by others?"

She describes herself as a single woman in her late 30s, and goes on to say:

"Some of the women I know have given up all hope of ever finding a Christian husband and have found Christian dating sites to be ineffective. Some are choosing to turn to non-Christian sites as they are finding partners who are genuinely interested in them and developing real relationships. When are Christian leaders going to wake up to this epidemic of a problem? What exactly are they teaching you at theological colleges? These are real life issues and have been for many years. We shouldn't be surprised if more disillusioned ladies begin a search for husbands within a secular setting.

"I wonder how many of you would make it through a year celibate and home alone?"

Interesting stuff, and that challenge to church leaders is superb! The only issue I have with what I have highlighted from the letter, is that she doesn't make a distinction between believers and unbelievers in the secular world. If the women are finding real relationships with believers that feel excluded from "church" (something I am seeing more and more of myself) then that is to be celebrated. If however they are finding relationships with unbelievers, then that is a problem that the church leaders must deal with. And how should they deal with it? NOT by telling the women to be content and wait on the Lord, that's for sure! They should be shifting their primary focus to outreach to men, and in the meantime help and pray for the women as they navigate the secular dating world, so that they can find believing men and help shepherd these men into the fold.

It really isn't rocket science -- is it?

 

[PaperClip]

Hey, Bunny:

Nope, I haven't come across Maken's book but I'm curious to see what she is saying.... I feel like I've heard it all, though....

Sooooo overdone with the cliches....

 

[Bunny77]

Hey, Bunny:

Nope, I haven't come across Maken's book but I'm curious to see what she is saying.... I feel like I've heard it all, though....

Sooooo overdone with the cliches....

TRUST ME, she is anti-cliche... that's why I recommend it.

The point of her book is to say that all of the cliches about singleness are incorrect and not at all Biblically sound and that we should all be seeking marriage. She believes that this focus on singleness as a gift is actually hurting the proper formation of families through marriage and that Satan is probably having a ball seeing all these single and suffering Christian women being told by the church to just "wait on the lord."

She is the first one I've read who has said that it's GOOD to be bummed about one's singleness and that God created us to want and need a spouse... so we should not feel bad at all for wanting that AND that churches need to do a better job helping people get MARRIED, not telling them to stay single!

She also gives advice on how to be proactive in a Godly way about finding a spouse. I am starting to do that right now and have taken a few steps in that direction using some of her tips.

(Now, I don't agree with everything in the book, but what I just typed is the general idea.)

 

[Bunny77]

I remember reading in the Bible the Apostle Paul speaking of the gift of singleness. He said that it is a blessing because you have no distractions and you can be 100% devoted to God, whereas when you are married part of your devotion must go to your husband and any children that come along. He also said that if you absolutely cannot stay single, as in you may commit fornication because of your "needs", then go ahead and get married. Being single isn't worth committing a sin. There's benefits of being married and being single. I guess it's up to each individual to determine what's right for them. Great topic, BTW .

I think the concern that some of the authors I've read recently have is that I Corinthians 7 is being improperly applied to people (notably women) who are single for longer than they'd like and desire a husband. The argument is that when Paul is speaking of serving the Lord while being single, he's talking heavy duty service such as he did traveling to different nations spreading the Gospel, getting shipwrecked and the like.

Now, most of us aren't doing anything like that. We might volunteer in our communities, in our churches, etc., but none of those things provide justification for staying single well into one's 30s-40s or longer if marriage is desired. In fact, studies show that it's often married couples that do the most in the church... and if singleness was such a blessing, then why aren't more pastors single? They obviously thought it was important to marry, so why should they push singleness on those who don't want to be?

Also, it is argued that the "gift of singleness" is really a "gift of celibacy." Those who choose to stay single to serve the Lord often are gifted by God to not have sexual needs and desires... but this is a rare bunch... maybe your nuns, priests, Mother Teresa and folks like that... most of us average people who are abstinent/waiting are simply fighting against our God-given desires while we hope for a partner to come along.

That's no gift... basically, most of us are not "gifted" with singleness, but a desire to marry. And the issue is that many of us aren't allowed to express that desire without getting a lecture about why we should be "content" and accept this "gift of singleness" from God.

Just FYI, I am not against anyone choosing to be single. I think there are ups and downs to singlehood and marriage. But I am saying that women should be freed from this belief that they have to be happy -- or at least "content" with being single because it's some kind of gift... I don't necessarily think it is.

 

[PaperClip]

I think the concern that some of the authors I've read recently have is that I Corinthians 7 is being improperly applied to people (notably women) who are single for longer than they'd like and desire a husband. The argument is that when Paul is speaking of serving the Lord while being single, he's talking heavy duty service such as he did traveling to different nations spreading the Gospel, getting shipwrecked and the like.

Now, most of us aren't doing anything like that. We might volunteer in our communities, in our churches, etc., but none of those things provide justification for staying single well into one's 30s-40s or longer if marriage is desired. In fact, studies show that it's often married couples that do the most in the church... and if singleness was such a blessing, then why aren't more pastors single? They obviously thought it was important to marry, so why should they push singleness on those who don't want to be?

Also, it is argued that the "gift of singleness" is really a "gift of celibacy." Those who choose to stay single to serve the Lord often are gifted by God to not have sexual needs and desires... but this is a rare bunch... maybe your nuns, priests, Mother Teresa and folks like that... most of us average people who are abstinent/waiting are simply fighting against our God-given desires while we hope for a partner to come along.

That's no gift... basically, most of us are not "gifted" with singleness, but a desire to marry. And the issue is that many of us aren't allowed to express that desire without getting a lecture about why we should be "content" and accept this "gift of singleness" from God.

Just FYI, I am not against anyone choosing to be single. I think there are ups and downs to singlehood and marriage. But I am saying that women should be freed from this belief that they have to be happy -- or at least "content" with being single because it's some kind of gift... I don't necessarily think it is.

We don't even have to go that far with regard to Paul's situation, in my humble opinion.... If Paul was a laymember or the great apostle he was, he apparently had a "gift" of singleness/celibacy, etc. In 1 Corinthians 7:7, he said that he wished ALL MEN were as he was... that includes the laymember, pastor, evangelist, apostle, so on and so forth, regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, even (but the sexual orientation thing is another convo altogether).

I mean, can it be called a "gift" if one doesn't "want" it?

I don't know if I agree with the point that marrieds do more in the church in comparison to singles. I might be inclined to agree if it were said that married folk were ALLOWED THE OPPORTUNITY to do more.... It seems that (in my church at least), that the more public/visible forms of service are given to the married folk.... and my church has more unmarried/single folk than married folk right now (single inclusive of single parents, widows, along with never-marrieds, etc.)

I should add that for the most part, I don't hear the "be content in singleness" argument as much as a context of being seemingly inadequate and unprepared, spiritually and naturally. Like I need to pray more, lose weight, stop doubting, straighten my hair, lighten my skin, clean the house, ask a man, even.... Sigh....

I agree with the notion of the rarity of folk who are content (long-term) in celibacy.... I have personally NEVER met anyone with such content. EVER....

 

[Bunny77]

I don't know if I agree with the point that marrieds do more in the church in comparison to singles. I might be inclined to agree if it were said that married folk were ALLOWED THE OPPORTUNITY to do more.... It seems that (in my church at least), that the more public/visible forms of service are given to the married folk.... and my church has more unmarried/single folk than married folk right now (single inclusive of single parents, widows, along with never-marrieds, etc.)

Okay, I've seen a different experience, but I see what you're saying.

I should add that for the most part, I don't hear the "be content in singleness" argument as much as a context of being seemingly inadequate and unprepared, spiritually and naturally. Like I need to pray more, lose weight, stop doubting, straighten my hair, lighten my skin, clean the house, ask a man, even.... Sigh....

Here's Maken's response to some to that. (some excerpts)
"You have to be the right person to meet the right person."

This sounds good and wise, but it presumes that God withholds a spouse for someone based on spiritual "rightness," painting an inaccurate picture of God and his plans for his people. It also represents the works-righteousness version of achieving marriage, like it's some sort of bonus incentive program for the super-sanctified. It is God's will that we be sanctified, but that is not a yardstick by which he measures our marriage readiness.

I can't imagine God sitting in heaven thinking, 'I really wanted Jane to learn that one extra lesson in sanctification and since she failed, I guess I'll have to pass on that heart surgeon I had in mind for her.'

God is our heavenly Father who loves to give good gifts to his children. Marriage is not a carrot he's holding out in hopes we'll go the extra mile.


Good stuff.

 

[*Muffin*]

I'd appreciate some clarity on this comment, esp. the bolded part....

Of course there are benefits on both sides (singleness vs. marriage). I have come into greater recognition that, simply put, just because the grass LOOKS greener doesn't mean it is GREENER or BETTER, particularly if it is the Lord's will that one be in a particular state at a particular time....

The Bible says that it is better to marry than to burn.... I cannot lie.... I'm burning right now.... and I love the Lord....and those who frequent the Christian forum know my story...my age... but for the grace of God....

What I mean is that if you feel that sometime in the future you are going to have sex, then singleness isn't for you in the long-term sense. It's not worth risking committing fornication. I believe both singleness and marriage can be a blessing; it's just up to us individually to decide which one is best for us.

 

[GlamourGirl]

Bunny77, thanks so much for posting this book and blospot. I needed this. I've been praying for God to confirm that He wants me to be married. I've been reading some books on being single and the one thing that they always say is "if it's God's will for you to be married" or "If God has called you to a life of singleness then"... I really believe that this message that I've come across is my confirmation along with some other things recently. Thanks again. It's been a blessing to me.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny77, thanks so much for posting this book and blospot. I needed this. I've been praying for God to confirm that He wants me to be married. I've been reading some books on being single and the one thing that they always say is "if it's God's will for you to be married" or "If God has called you to a life of singleness then"... I really believe that this message that I've come across is my confirmation along with some other things recently. Thanks again. It's been a blessing to me.

I'm so glad this was helpful to you! This came right on time to me this summer as well when I was questioning a number of things, but I didn't buy the book until last week, for some reason.

Also, here's another link... Candice Watters of Boundless is releasing a book on the same subject in January, but she's started a very inspirational website encouraging us to "pray boldly" for each other in regards to marriage.

(Hmm... that might be worth another thread...)


http://www.helpgetmarried.com/page

Getting married is more than a lifestyle option or just something that would be “nice if it happens.” Not only is marriage good and natural to want, it’s what most of us are called to pursue.

That’s the message of my book, Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen.

There’s a difference between making it happen and helping it happen. This isn’t a book about desperation or the hyper activity of joining every dating service and singles group. It’s not about making cold calls or tackling a list of 100 tips for meeting hot men.

Get Married is about living like you’re planning to marry. It presents a lifestyle that esteems marriage, encourages men, empowers women, and embraces Christian community and a biblical understanding of what marriage is for. Most importantly, it shows women that marriage is a worthy goal that’s within their grasp.

You can be content with where you are today and still desire marriage in a way that honors God. And there are things you can do to help it happen.

Ready to start the journey? Read the excerpt that follows, then order the book.

 

[janiebaby]

Thank you so much for posting this Bunny!!

 

[janiebaby]

I also found this article written from a man's point of view:

http://www.sistagirlnetwork.com/bropov2.html

 

[Browndilocks]

I think the concern that some of the authors I've read recently have is that I Corinthians 7 is being improperly applied to people (notably women) who are single for longer than they'd like and desire a husband. The argument is that when Paul is speaking of serving the Lord while being single, he's talking heavy duty service such as he did traveling to different nations spreading the Gospel, getting shipwrecked and the like.

Now, most of us aren't doing anything like that. We might volunteer in our communities, in our churches, etc., but none of those things provide justification for staying single well into one's 30s-40s or longer if marriage is desired. In fact, studies show that it's often married couples that do the most in the church... and if singleness was such a blessing, then why aren't more pastors single? They obviously thought it was important to marry, so why should they push singleness on those who don't want to be?

Also, it is argued that the "gift of singleness" is really a "gift of celibacy." Those who choose to stay single to serve the Lord often are gifted by God to not have sexual needs and desires... but this is a rare bunch... maybe your nuns, priests, Mother Teresa and folks like that... most of us average people who are abstinent/waiting are simply fighting against our God-given desires while we hope for a partner to come along.

That's no gift... basically, most of us are not "gifted" with singleness, but a desire to marry. And the issue is that many of us aren't allowed to express that desire without getting a lecture about why we should be "content" and accept this "gift of singleness" from God.

Just FYI, I am not against anyone choosing to be single. I think there are ups and downs to singlehood and marriage. But I am saying that women should be freed from this belief that they have to be happy -- or at least "content" with being single because it's some kind of gift... I don't necessarily think it is.

I'm honestly to the point where if I see anything related to SINGLEs in church, I run in the opposite direction. In one church out here, they boast on how the singles ministry has grown from a few to hundreds over the past few years. erplexed. It just seems to me that the growth of singles ministries is counter-productive. Especially when 75% of that ministry is made up of women but still being led by a man...

Another church that I sometimes visit has an elder lady (mother such and such) as the head of the singles ministry. While she has been single for some years now, she's a GRANDMOTHER. At one time or another and probably when she was my age she was groovin. I have tried but I can't be completely accepting of her guidance.

SIGH.

This may sound very spiritually immature to say but I feel like singles ministries and all the stupid things that some leaders say and expect you to do will actually hold you back from getting a man.

To my surprize, I have found Michelle Mickkiney Hammond's "What to Do Until Love Finds You" a very inspirational read. Now I'm going to check out this author that Bunny recommended.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm honestly to the point where if I see anything related to SINGLEs in church, I run in the opposite direction. In one church out here, they boast on how the singles ministry has grown from a few to hundreds over the past few years. erplexed. It just seems to me that the growth of singles ministries is counter-productive. Especially when 75% of that ministry is made up of women but still being led by a man...

Another church that I sometimes visit has an elder lady (mother such and such) as the head of the singles ministry. While she has been single for some years now, she's a GRANDMOTHER. At one time or another and probably when she was my age she was groovin. I have tried but I can't be completely accepting of her guidance.

SIGH.

This may sound very spiritually immature to say but I feel like singles ministries and all the stupid things that some leaders say and expect you to do will actually hold you back from getting a man.

To my surprize, I have found Michelle Mickkiney Hammond's "What to Do Until Love Finds You" a very inspirational read. Now I'm going to check out this author that Bunny recommended.

I agree with everything you posted, especially the bolded.

In the "Getting Serious About Getting Married" book, Debbie Maken said that part of her journey toward marriage was getting OUT of the singles ministry at her church. She started in it when she was in her early 20s and wondered about the women in it who were in their late 20s-early 30s, but didn't think much of it.

Then when she became one of those women, she was like, "ENOUGH! Shouldn't I have graduated from this now?" She said she walked out and started to take matters into her own hands... and within a few years, she was married.

Someone who commented on her blog or the Gift of Singleness blog (can't remember which one) said the same thing. She was single until she was 37 after listening to everything she heard about contentment and stuff, but when she made an effort toward getting married, it happened in a year!

By effort, these women weren't chasing men, but they began doing more to increase their access to men looking for marriage... asking family/friends for introductions, trying matchmaking services, etc.

One of Maken's recommendations is also to re-evaluate your participation in a singles ministry because a lot of times, they become glorified buddy systems. There are too many women and not enough men, and then oftentimes, the men aren't necessarily encouraged to pursue (in a Godly way, of course), the women.

So everyone is all buddy-buddy, but is anyone really getting together?

And not to mention, the more people tell you about being content in singleness or not being ready for marriage, I think it mentally takes your focus away from preparing to be married! Which is the opposite of what should happen!

If I'm spending all of my time analyzing every little part of me to figure out why I'm unattached, or reading material about maximizing my single life, and taking on more activities/groups/friendships/etc., to minimize my loneliness, it's just taking me away from what I REALLY want and need -- a spouse.

(And why is it that many of the writers on singleness stay single???? And also, notice that many of the church leaders/outsiders who talk about giving up one's desire for marriage... are MARRIED????)

I'm also looking forward to Candice Watters' book, Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen." I think it will be even better than Debbie Maken's, because Debbie can be a little abrasive at times in her book, and I can relate to Candice a little more for some reason... but both women have the same idea!

Keep it coming ladies!

 

[PaperClip]

Y'all talking good and REAL up in here....

Browndilocks, I'm 99 percent sure I've attended my LAST singles event after this month (my church had a singles conference and maybe 100 folk showed (my church has like up to 4,000 folk...and most of the folk that attended the conference were probably not from my church)....

 

[PaperClip]

What I mean is that if you feel that sometime in the future you are going to have sex, then singleness isn't for you in the long-term sense. It's not worth risking committing fornication. I believe both singleness and marriage can be a blessing; it's just up to us individually to decide which one is best for us.

Again, what does that mean? I feel that I am going to have sex, and I could, 'cause I'm sure that I could find a willing guy, but what about the RIGHT guy? I'm sorry but this line of thinking is not edifying or purposeful.... I think people know what they are inclined to do, despite they are inclined to do is not best for them....

It seems that people who are kinda calm about such matters are either married, a eunuch, or fornicatin'.... or my goodness, maybe a person has found a sense of contentment for their God-given sexual inclinations....

Pardon my frustration....

 

[Bunny77]

Again, what does that mean? I feel that I am going to have sex, and I could, 'cause I'm sure that I could find a willing guy, but what about the RIGHT guy? I'm sorry but this line of thinking is not edifying or purposeful.... I think people know what they are inclined to do, despite they are inclined to do is not best for them....

It seems that people who are kinda calm about such matters are either married, a eunuch, or fornicatin'.... or my goodness, maybe a person has found a sense of contentment for their God-given sexual inclinations....

Pardon my frustration....

Or young...

Not that there's anything wrong with being young, but it's a lot easier to be content about being celibate/a virgin when you're say, 19-20, than when you're 29-30 or older!

Abstinence teaching is great, but the goal is supposed to be that one's abstinent period will end with marriage. What's the point of encouraging abstinence if a person feels they'll never get to experience sex? How can a church say "Wait until marriage," and then turn around and say, "Well, you aren't ready to be married because blah blah blah... oh yeah, and stay abstinent!"

From Debbie's blog... (and no, I'm not Debbie... I know I'm quoting her ALL THE TIME, but her writing has been great food for my soul!!!)

Moreover, while a rare few singles can successfully run the abstinence marathon, most have proven to be miserable failures because they are running a course contrary to their inborn nature. Thus, can God really be glorified when most singles will fail a major component of glorified singleness?

God creates us in the way we have to go. For example, since God has created us to do work (Gen. 1:26, 28 ), it is incumbent upon all those who are physically able to do so, especially while they are young and have youth and vigor on their side. Those who are lazy will be judged; they were poor stewards of their health, bodies and minds. (Tit. 2:7; Eph. 4:28) The excuses of calling confusion and perpetual schooling can only work for so long. The same sort of logic should work for our inborn sexual natures in being made “male and female.” (Gen. 1:27; 2:24-25).

God is not going to create a race of people to be sexual beings only to hope that they can diffuse such urges for years and decades because they suffer the cruelties of being born into a culture with a disorganized mating system. Thus, the only question remains whether singles should choose to pursue an estate more consistent with their sexual nature or resign themselves to the self-imposed sterility by remaining single without actually having the enabling gift of celibacy or the physical disablement of a eunuch.

 

[*Muffin*]

Again, what does that mean? I feel that I am going to have sex, and I could, 'cause I'm sure that I could find a willing guy, but what about the RIGHT guy? I'm sorry but this line of thinking is not edifying or purposeful.... I think people know what they are inclined to do, despite they are inclined to do is not best for them....

It seems that people who are kinda calm about such matters are either married, a eunuch, or fornicatin'.... or my goodness, maybe a person has found a sense of contentment for their God-given sexual inclinations....

Pardon my frustration....

Frustration Pardoned . I hope you didn't take any offense to my post, because I didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm just speaking from a Biblical point of view. I also believe that people know very well their inclinations and whether or not they want to engage in sexual intercourse or not, but the Bible states that if a person plans on having sex be apart of their life (which most people do), they must also plan on marriage being apart of their life. I know that saying something and doing something are two completely different things. I'm 20 and I'm abstinent, and it's not always easy. It's only natural to have desires, but I try not to let those desires take over me before I get married. I'm not trying to judge anyone or say that someone is wrong for taking a particular course of action. And also my interpretation of the Bible may be different than yours or someone elses. I'm just responding from the way I learned the subject from the Bible.

 

[GlamourGirl]

I agree with everything you posted, especially the bolded.

In the "Getting Serious About Getting Married" book, Debbie Maken said that part of her journey toward marriage was getting OUT of the singles ministry at her church. She started in it when she was in her early 20s and wondered about the women in it who were in their late 20s-early 30s, but didn't think much of it.

Then when she became one of those women, she was like, "ENOUGH! Shouldn't I have graduated from this now?" She said she walked out and started to take matters into her own hands... and within a few years, she was married.

Someone who commented on her blog or the Gift of Singleness blog (can't remember which one) said the same thing. She was single until she was 37 after listening to everything she heard about contentment and stuff, but when she made an effort toward getting married, it happened in a year!

By effort, these women weren't chasing men, but they began doing more to increase their access to men looking for marriage... asking family/friends for introductions, trying matchmaking services, etc.

One of Maken's recommendations is also to re-evaluate your participation in a singles ministry because a lot of times, they become glorified buddy systems. There are too many women and not enough men, and then oftentimes, the men aren't necessarily encouraged to pursue (in a Godly way, of course), the women.

So everyone is all buddy-buddy, but is anyone really getting together?

And not to mention, the more people tell you about being content in singleness or not being ready for marriage, I think it mentally takes your focus away from preparing to be married! Which is the opposite of what should happen!

If I'm spending all of my time analyzing every little part of me to figure out why I'm unattached, or reading material about maximizing my single life, and taking on more activities/groups/friendships/etc., to minimize my loneliness, it's just taking me away from what I REALLY want and need -- a spouse.

(And why is it that many of the writers on singleness stay single???? And also, notice that many of the church leaders/outsiders who talk about giving up one's desire for marriage... are MARRIED????)

I'm also looking forward to Candice Watters' book, Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen." I think it will be even better than Debbie Maken's, because Debbie can be a little abrasive at times in her book, and I can relate to Candice a little more for some reason... but both women have the same idea!

Keep it coming ladies!

Isn't that the truth! I couldn't agree more. And I am so looking forward to her book as well. Have you checked out her Youtube video where she's talking about her book? And her testimony regarding her 30 friends is pretty amazing.

 

[Browndilocks]

I agree with everything you posted, especially the bolded.

In the "Getting Serious About Getting Married" book, Debbie Maken said that part of her journey toward marriage was getting OUT of the singles ministry at her church. She started in it when she was in her early 20s and wondered about the women in it who were in their late 20s-early 30s, but didn't think much of it.

Then when she became one of those women, she was like, "ENOUGH! Shouldn't I have graduated from this now?" She said she walked out and started to take matters into her own hands... and within a few years, she was married.

Someone who commented on her blog or the Gift of Singleness blog (can't remember which one) said the same thing. She was single until she was 37 after listening to everything she heard about contentment and stuff, but when she made an effort toward getting married, it happened in a year!

By effort, these women weren't chasing men, but they began doing more to increase their access to men looking for marriage... asking family/friends for introductions, trying matchmaking services, etc.

One of Maken's recommendations is also to re-evaluate your participation in a singles ministry because a lot of times, they become glorified buddy systems. There are too many women and not enough men, and then oftentimes, the men aren't necessarily encouraged to pursue (in a Godly way, of course), the women.

Exactly. My birthday was a little over a week ago and I have a friend involved heavily in her church's growing singles ministry. After planning my bday party and giving all the details in advance, she cancelled on me at the last minute to go with her singles group to see Why Did I Get Married. erplexed Don't get me wrong... my party was a hit but my friend was really anticipating it and helped me plan it. I was going to try to introduce her to this guy that I went to college with who works in her industry. But she opted out of my party at a nice lounge full of single males & females around the same age, to hang with the mid-30+ year olds. Then she called me as we were leaving the party to tell me how much she wished she would've came because all she did was watch the movie with her singles group & go home. I don't get it.

So everyone is all buddy-buddy, but is anyone really getting together?

And not to mention, the more people tell you about being content in singleness or not being ready for marriage, I think it mentally takes your focus away from preparing to be married! Which is the opposite of what should happen!

If I'm spending all of my time analyzing every little part of me to figure out why I'm unattached, or reading material about maximizing my single life, and taking on more activities/groups/friendships/etc., to minimize my loneliness, it's just taking me away from what I REALLY want and need -- a spouse.

(And why is it that many of the writers on singleness stay single???? And also, notice that many of the church leaders/outsiders who talk about giving up one's desire for marriage... are MARRIED????)

Right on. I like Michelle Hammonds books but I ain't trying to stay single. She sometimes gives the impression that you have to prepare yourself in case God never allows you to marry. I have seen enough nerds, freaks, geeks and plain old undesireable people get married to someone who happened to be PERFECT for them. This leads me to believe that there's someone for everyone, no matter what statistics or census bureaus say.

I'll stay a sinner first before I cross the menopause threshold without a tangible partner. Sorry but that's just how it is, I confess. I just feel like I've got it goin on and I'm not trying to toot my own horn by saying it. I believe that whenever you keep harping on an issue, you in turn push it further away. If you stop touching and probing the marriage rosebud and just let it be then one day it'll open to a full bloom. I really believe that if I can just take a chill pill whenever needed, and stop trying to "figure out" why I'm single or how to be a "gifted" single then everything will fall into place. God gave me beauty and brains and I really do not believe that the process of pairing with a mate is a subject that has to be treated like rocket science. It should feel more like Committed Love 101.

I'm also looking forward to Candice Watters' book, Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen." I think it will be even better than Debbie Maken's, because Debbie can be a little abrasive at times in her book, and I can relate to Candice a little more for some reason... but both women have the same idea!

Keep it coming ladies!

My responses are above.

 

[GoingBack]

Singleness may be a gift, but I don't want mine anymore. Someone else can have it. erplexed

 

[Bunny77]

Isn't that the truth! I couldn't agree more. And I am so looking forward to her book as well. Have you checked out her Youtube video where she's talking about her book? And her testimony regarding her 30 friends is pretty amazing.

I did see the YouTube video and it was inspiring. Maybe we can do a prayer circle on the board like Candice did... I know we've got a lot of prayer and fasting teams going, which is great, but this can be a specific one!

Here's the YouTube link... Author Candice Watters explains why she wrote her "Get Married" book... I think many of us can relate!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe8_7rcuhcM

Singleness may be a gift, but I don't want mine anymore. Someone else can have it. erplexed

Well you are in the right thread! Read some of the links and join in the discussion!

 

[Bunny77]

Browndilocks, I'm mad at your friend! It's great to do things with women and with your singles group... I just think that we have to REALLY think about the decisions we make and if our "singles" activities prevent us from doing things that can help us meet more quality men...

As for Michelle McKinney Hammond, I agree that she's a fabulous woman and has good tips... and some folks need to know how to be happy while single (specifically those who jump from man to man because they don't love themselves), but the message should not be geared to keep you single forever and ever and ever!

And yes, I believe there's someone for everyone... and another question... I've never heard a man being told that he needs to "get ready" to marry, nor that he's "not ready" as the reason that he's single. Only women are told this, so why is that? Hmmm.... Also, the people that I know who are married RARELY talk about how they had to get ready and then they met their mate. Their stories just usually go, "Oh he was my friend since college," or "I met him through my cousin," or whatever. None of this "I spent 10 years preparing myself and then God just sent him to me!"

Hey, I've got it going on too... I am ready just as I am for a good man, and he is ready for me, just as he is. I'd say that for nearly every woman on this forum!

I really do not believe that the process of pairing with a mate is a subject that has to be treated like rocket science. It should feel more like Committed Love 101.

Yep, we make this much harder than it needs to be. And it's not working for most women, particularly black women.

 

[prettywhitty]

I'll come back later and post my thoughts on this issue. i agree with a lot that is being said. We need to get real about what we desire, and desiring a Godly spouse is not a bad thing. I will be reading the mentioned books.

I also wanted to mention that I avoid that singles ministry stuff, because it's a bunch of women at ny church. Men avoid them....I'll be back withmore.

 

[PaperClip]

Frustration Pardoned . I hope you didn't take any offense to my post, because I didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm just speaking from a Biblical point of view. I also believe that people know very well their inclinations and whether or not they want to engage in sexual intercourse or not, but the Bible states that if a person plans on having sex be apart of their life (which most people do), they must also plan on marriage being apart of their life. I know that saying something and doing something are two completely different things. I'm 20 and I'm abstinent, and it's not always easy. It's only natural to have desires, but I try not to let those desires take over me before I get married. I'm not trying to judge anyone or say that someone is wrong for taking a particular course of action. And also my interpretation of the Bible may be different than yours or someone elses. I'm just responding from the way I learned the subject from the Bible.

Ah... that explains it... you're 20... not dismissing your age... but I remember feeling that way at your age. I thought I would be married (with children) now...having "legal" sex. I'm almost twice your age and I thought marriage would happen.... And for quite a while, I buried my sexual desires and desires for marriage, mainly in food, in school, in church service, but I have become more and more miserable with all of it....

Very recently, I'm ashamed to say, I was willing to compromise my spiritual integrity.... Thank the Lord I didn't but it has forced me to acknowledge that I do not have the "gift" of singleness and that something's got to move for me...seriously.

So when you say "plan" to have sex and "plan" on marriage being a part of my life, I DID PLAN ON ALL OF THAT HAPPENING.... I sat in church expecting that ideal husband to walk up to me and announce his arrival. I FINALLY WOKE UP.... so now I have to be much more proactive.... and hopefully Candice's book can help me with this....

 

[*Muffin*]

Ah... that explains it... you're 20... not dismissing your age... but I remember feeling that way at your age. I thought I would be married (with children) now...having "legal" sex. I'm almost twice your age and I thought marriage would happen.... And for quite a while, I buried my sexual desires and desires for marriage, mainly in food, in school, in church service, but I have become more and more miserable with all of it....

Very recently, I'm ashamed to say, I was willing to compromise my spiritual integrity.... Thank the Lord I didn't but it has forced me to acknowledge that I do not have the "gift" of singleness and that something's got to move for me...seriously.

So when you say "plan" to have sex and "plan" on marriage being a part of my life, I DID PLAN ON ALL OF THAT HAPPENING.... I sat in church expecting that ideal husband to walk up to me and announce his arrival. I FINALLY WOKE UP.... so now I have to be much more proactive.... and hopefully Candice's book can help me with this....

I remember when I was sixteen I told myself "I'm NEVER going to get married." I just wanted to devote my life to God and I didn't feel a strong desire to have a man in my life (I guess it's because I was only sixteen). Now that I'm twenty I feel somewhat differently. I'm still happy being single, but I'm starting to imagine that having children and a family in the future would be nice. I feel that I'm at a stage where I have to make a lot of decisions on what I want to do with my life in the future, husband included. I'm glad you didn't compromise your spiritual integrity. It seems like it's so hard to find a good man nowadays. Maybe it is because we aren't being proactive enough. I've never read Candice's book, but it sounds interesting.

 

[GlamourGirl]

I did see the YouTube video and it was inspiring. Maybe we can do a prayer circle on the board like Candice did... I know we've got a lot of prayer and fasting teams going, which is great, but this can be a specific one!

Here's the YouTube link... Author Candice Watters explains why she wrote her "Get Married" book... I think many of us can relate!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe8_7rcuhcM



Well you are in the right thread! Read some of the links and join in the discussion!

I definitely would love to get one started. In fact on the link you gave me to Candice's site she has it set up so that women can join and create a group and begin to pray for each others mates. I have already joined and want to start a group.

 

[PaperClip]

I definitely would love to get one started. In fact on the link you gave me to Candice's site she has it set up so that women can join and create a group and begin to pray for each others mates. I have already joined and want to start a group.

I'm a bit reluctant to participate in such a group because I'm VERY CAREFUL about who I pray with but at the same time, it is SO VERY SAD that I feel that there is no one in my real life who I feel like I can reach out to to touch and agree with me in this situation....

Here's what just came to my mind to do: I'll send an email to my circle of sisters about this specific matter and if they would agree with me in prayer for marriage. I'm sure they will have their commentaries to offer concerning what I should do, what I need to learn, etc. I'll report back what they said....

Of course I salute the idea of a prayer circle specifically targeting this, but at the same time I'm VERY CAREFUL about who I pray with...prayer is very powerful...intimate...vulnerable....