The Gift of Singleness

[GlamourGirl]

I'm a bit reluctant to participate in such a group because I'm VERY CAREFUL about who I pray with but at the same time, it is SO VERY SAD that I feel that there is no one in my real life who I feel like I can reach out to to touch and agree with me in this situation....

Here's what just came to my mind to do: I'll send an email to my circle of sisters about this specific matter and if they would agree with me in prayer for marriage. I'm sure they will have their commentaries to offer concerning what I should do, what I need to learn, etc. I'll report back what they said....

Of course I salute the idea of a prayer circle specifically targeting this, but at the same time I'm VERY CAREFUL about who I pray with...prayer is very powerful...intimate...vulnerable....

RelaxerRehab, you're very right about that. Unfortunately I really don't have a sister circle (I really wish I did) that I could have pray for me. That's why I was hoping for some of the ladies from the board but when you put it like that it makes me think too. I can relate to you when you say you don't really have anyone to touch and agree with you.

 

[Bunny77]

I definitely would love to get one started. In fact on the link you gave me to Candice's site she has it set up so that women can join and create a group and begin to pray for each others mates. I have already joined and want to start a group.

I'll join Candice's because I've been reading her work for a while and really like where she's coming from... but also, would folks feel comfortable with a more informal prayer circle done on this board?

I know that we don't "know" each other in the flesh, but this forum seems to be an uplifting place and provides somewhat of a sister circle for many of us.

Plus, I figure I can't be in enough prayer circles, so I don't mind being a part of a few!

 

[PaperClip]

I'll definitely join Candice's... and RR, would you feel comfortable with a more informal prayer circle done on this board?

I figure I can't be in enough prayer circles!

(Smile) I appreciate you asking! I don't know exactly just yet....

 

[dreamer26]

I've read through this thread and I am married and I just want to share my experience and maybe it will bless somebody.

I was married right out of high school to the wrong man and he was in church but he was not the one for me. So ladies just because he goes to church does not mean he's the one for you. We stayed married 8 1/2 years and after my divorce, the most devastating time in my life, after that I was prepared for God's gift to me.

I prayed to God and told him how I didn't want to be single, I wanted to be a married woman. Well the 1st year after my divorce I enjoyed it because I had my freedom, then once that year was over I knew I wanted the family life, so I fasted for 7 days because 7 is God perfect number. I fasted and prayed and I asked God at the end of this fast I need you to answer this question. Do you have someone else for me? Yes, No or wait, were the answers I was prepared to hear.

See God knows your motivates and your hurt about a thing even before you ask, and I was prepared for whatever God was going to tell me.

At the end of the 7th day, I met my husband and a year later we got married and it is now 12 years later and we're still married. We are such a great fit that people often asks us were we high school sweet hearts.

See ladies when you're ready for the mate, God will bring him, even if he has to come from the other side of the earth just for you. There's so much more I could share with you but I'll leave you with these questions.

Some questions to ask yourself.

Can I be submissive?

Can I allow him to be the priest of the home

Am I willing to make my house a home.

Can I appreciate a Good man?

Do I know how to be a best friend?

Do I have unresolved personal issues

Am I complete without this man

and the #1 question is?

Will this man take God's place in my life.

See you are no longer looking for any man you're seeking God for his best.

There were other men in my life before my husband that I could have married but they were not from God and that's the KEY.

My 2 cents.

 

[PaperClip]

I've read through this thread and I am married and I just want to share my experience and maybe it will bless somebody.

I was married right out of high school to the wrong man and he was in church but he was not the one for me. So ladies just because he goes to church does not mean he's the one for you. We stayed married 8 1/2 years and after my divorce, the most devastating time in my life, after that I was prepared for God's gift to me.

I prayed to God and told him how I didn't want to be single, I wanted to be a married woman. Well the 1st year after my divorce I enjoyed it because I had my freedom, then once that year was over I knew I wanted the family life, so I fasted for 7 days because 7 is God perfect number. I fasted and prayed and I asked God at the end of this fast I need you to answer this question. Do you have someone else for me? Yes, No or wait, were the answers I was prepared to hear.

See God knows your motivates and your hurt about a thing even before you ask, and I was prepared for whatever God was going to tell me.

At the end of the 7th day, I met my husband and a year later we got married and it is now 12 years later and we're still married. We are such a great fit that people often asks us were we high school sweet hearts.

See ladies when you're ready for the mate, God will bring him, even if he has to come from the other side of the earth just for you. There's so much more I could share with you but I'll leave you with these questions.

Some questions to ask yourself.

Can I be submissive?

Can I allow him to be the priest of the home

Am I willing to make my house a home.

Can I appreciate a Good man?

Do I know how to be a best friend?

Do I have unresolved personal issues

Am I complete without this man

and the #1 question is?

Will this man take God's place in my life.

See you are no longer looking for any man you're seeking God for his best.

There were other men in my life before my husband that I could have married but they were not from God and that's the KEY.

My 2 cents.

Dreamer, I first would like to thank you for your sincere contribution as I believe you sincerely want to be of service and encouragement.

However, it is posts like this that begin to perpetuate the division between singles and marrieds in terms of identifying (subconsciously) the speculation of being inadequate, unprepared, and ill-equipped for this particular ministry (and yes, marriage is ministry)....

Some of us are still struggling between two worlds: the undeniable acknowledgement of godly, healthy, sexual desires and the seemingly lack of "legal" opportunity to fulfill these desires.

Dreamer, you have the wealth of experience of a marriage that didn't work out and you have the wealth of experience of a marriage that is blessed and you have the wealth of experience of that "in-between" time, which you wisely addressed by including your fasting and consecration experience. That was most edifying to me of your post....

If I'm wrong or have a jaded perspective, please forgive me. I'm just tired of the cliches. Of couse, nobody can know everything prior to going into marriage...but my goodness, can we at least have a benchmark of acknowledgement that on a broader scale, the state of singleness and relationships in the church/Body of Christ is at a critical place...where if something is not done, then there's going to be a mass exodus or a weakening....

Sigh.... I'm just really frustrated right now....

 

[Bunny77]

Dreamer, I first would like to thank you for your sincere contribution as I believe you sincerely want to be of service and encouragement.

However, it is posts like this that begin to perpetuate the division between singles and marrieds in terms of identifying (subconsciously) the speculation of being inadequate, unprepared, and ill-equipped for this particular ministry (and yes, marriage is ministry)....

Some of us are still struggling between two worlds: the undeniable acknowledgement of godly, healthy, sexual desires and the seemingly lack of "legal" opportunity to fulfill these desires.

Dreamer, you have the wealth of experience of a marriage that didn't work out and you have the wealth of experience of a marriage that is blessed and you have the wealth of experience of that "in-between" time, which you wisely addressed by including your fasting and consecration experience. That was most edifying to me of your post....

If I'm wrong or have a jaded perspective, please forgive me. I'm just tired of the cliches. Of couse, nobody can know everything prior to going into marriage...but my goodness, can we at least have a benchmark of acknowledgement that on a broader scale, the state of singleness and relationships in the church/Body of Christ is at a critical place...where if something is not done, then there's going to be a mass exodus or a weakening....

Sigh.... I'm just really frustrated right now....

I did a lot of thinking about Dreamer's post, which is why I didn't address it immediately. Like you, I agree that she meant it in a sincere way.

Here's the thing... I think that we do not make a distinction when we talk about people being "ready" for marriage and we lump everyone into the same category when they shouldn't be...

Let me give an example.

Woman A has been in relationships from the time she was 16 to 26. She would have a boyfriend for 3 years, break up with him and then get with another boyfriend less than 3 months later and be with him for 2 years, etc., etc.

When that woman broke up with the last guy, she decided that she needed to stop the cycle and said she wouldn't have another boyfriend until she was ready.

This makes perfect sense, because she never really spent any time knowing how to love herself and be fulfilled on her own without a man by her side. And her need to have a man by any means necessary led her to jump from relationship to relationship, instead of spending some time by herself that would have truly helped her be "ready" for the right one to come along.

Now, this woman would have benefitted from some talks about getting herself ready for marriage and embracing singleness, BUT, the message should be phrased in a way that recognizes that she SHOULDN'T be single forever, but just long enough to get herself together to make better decisions.

The problem is, we apply this logic to EVERY SINGLE WOMAN and make her feel that she has to be super-duper perfect and sanctified in order to be "ready" for marriage. And for a single woman in her late 30s, early 40s and older, that's the last thing she needs to hear...

Also, the right marriage helps both partners grow. So does having children. My parents got better at parenting and marriage the more they did it... but some churches seem to not get this by saying that you have to do all of this super-duper preparation BEFORE getting married and not recognizing that marriage is a union of two imperfect people who can inspire each other to be better people.

So to all single ladies, I say that you are "ready" enough for marriage if you know that you desire nothing more than to fill your God-given need for a husband. And I think that anyone who has proven that she's not so desperate that she just wants to be with "any" man is MORE than ready.

Edited to add: The only people I think are not "ready" for marriage are those who will just choose anybody just so they don't have to be alone. I know of one MAN who married someone he KNEW was not right for him because he said that he knew she'd never leave and he felt no other woman would want him. He was NOT ready. Nor was she.

(And they're divorced now, btw).

That doesn't mean that these types of people will never be ready, they're just not ready at the time. That is a completely different issue from telling someone that they're single because they aren't sanctified enough, which is what RR and others among us have had beaten into our heads... and that's dead wrong!

 

[Bunny77]

Will this man take God's place in my life.

See you are no longer looking for any man you're seeking God for his best.

One more thing...

No, a man shouldn't take God's place in one's life, but God's role is also not to serve as a husband.

Maken and Watters both debunk the oft-repeated statement that "all we need is God," or "God is your husband" or any version of that. I know that's not what you were saying Dreamer26, but it can be interpreted that way.

Of course God should be No. 1 in our lives. No question. And of course we should want God's best... but I think we walk a dangerous line when we imply that wanting a husband somehow means that we're replacing God in our minds or that we're knocking God out of his rightful place in our lives.

We need God whether married or single. But I don't think anyone should question whether their desire for a spouse is somehow pushing God out of his rightful place. The two aren't related, IMO.

 

[Bunny77]

For anyone who's interested, here is the first chapter of Maken's book... when I read that, I felt like she was reading my mind.

"Getting Serious About Getting Married"

http://www.gnpcb.org/assets/products/excerpts/1581347413.1.pdf

 

[PaperClip]

For anyone who's interested, here is the first chapter of Maken's book... when I read that, I felt like she was reading my mind.

"Getting Serious About Getting Married"

http://www.gnpcb.org/assets/products/excerpts/1581347413.1.pdf

I am reading this right, aren't I? (From Debbie's book):

"I asked the Lord to search my heart and reveal why I was balking against my singleness, against a state I had thought he wanted for me. What God showed me was that I had used most of my twenties to master avoidance, not true spiritual peace. Even more interesting was that he showed me that I was never going to get true spiritual peace about singleness because I wasn’t called to singleness, and the Spirit does not give peace about something that is outside of God’s calling."

My sentiments exactly....

 

[dreamer26]

Wow, I'm really disappointed in the way my post was taken.

Sorry for giving my 2 cents in an area that God has answered my prayer in.

 

[PaperClip]

Sorry for giving my 2 cents in an area that God has answered my prayer in.

Ouch!!!erplexed

That hurt...it hurt me, at least.... it might have been funnier (but still as hurtful) if you had said "nah nah nah nah nah...I got mine!" 'cause that's what the above feels like....

(retreats to the cave of loneliness....)

 

[dreamer26]

Ouch!!!erplexed

That hurt...it hurt me, at least.... it might have been funnier (but still as hurtful) if you had said "nah nah nah nah nah...I got mine!" 'cause that's what the above feels like....

(retreats to the cave of loneliness....)

Maybe that should not have been the first post after being told my dad only have a few more days to live. But that's not how I meant it, I read post from woman that wants a husband. I came in and give you testimony on what worked for me and what didn't work. First hand information and I got the thank you but not thank you.

When ever I want something that I saw someone else achieve I've always asked the person that has what I want what did they do to get it, be it spiritual, natural, monitary or whatever.

The only thing I wanted to point out is that if you have not received from God the thing you want from him you need to seek him to find out why.
And the shortness is never on God that's why I posted questions for thought only, not to say this is the be all to the process, or one is not perfect or need to be.


So please don't be offended, I promised I didn't mean it to be mean or offensive.

 

[Bunny77]

Okay, just because I don't want the thread thrown off track...

I think that anyone's 2 cents (or more) are welcomed and appreciated.

To Dreamer... speaking from the perspective of someone who's never been married and is looking for it to happen, it is difficult at times to hear a married person tell singles what they need to consider if they want to be married. I think many of us have simply been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, etc., so when yet another person comes to us with the same, it can get frustrating, even when the person means VERY well.

I was not bothered by your comment on how you had your prayer answered and I think it's a great story. I also think that there are many ways in which someone can find a husband, and sometimes, it's not about being and doing this, that or the other...

I don't know how much you've been exposed to the church's teachings to people who have been single for a looooong time, but a lot of the frustration that's been exhibited on this thread comes from that point of view.

That's why I posted the links to both books, which don't say anything about things that singles need to think about/do/consider before they decide to pray for marriage.

Anyway, hope that helps.

Edited to add: Dreamer26, I'm very sorry about your father.

 

[klb120475]

I am single and Boo-less, so I'll be back tomorrow to add my input.

 

[Bunny77]

I am single and Boo-less, so I'll be back tomorrow to add my input.

Hurry back now, ya hear?

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Great thread.

 

[PaperClip]

Maybe that should not have been the first post after being told my dad only have a few more days to live. But that's not how I meant it, I read post from woman that wants a husband. I came in and give you testimony on what worked for me and what didn't work. First hand information and I got the thank you but not thank you.

When ever I want something that I saw someone else achieve I've always asked the person that has what I want what did they do to get it, be it spiritual, natural, monitary or whatever.

The only thing I wanted to point out is that if you have not received from God the thing you want from him you need to seek him to find out why.
And the shortness is never on God that's why I posted questions for thought only, not to say this is the be all to the process, or one is not perfect or need to be.


So please don't be offended, I promised I didn't mean it to be mean or offensive.

Dear Dreamer, you're already in my prayers concerning your dad. I'm a daddy's girl, too....

If I may share, singleness permeates one's entire life, even during such challenging times... and to go through such a thing by yourself versus having a loving, godly companion by your side, I imagine, I hope, I pray, helps ease the pain....

Bunny is serving as a wonderful balance in this thread. So much of what she's sharing is resonating with me. Of course I'm happy that the Lord answered your prayer and yet I'm expressing my honesty in the point that, what's going on with me? I don't want what you have... I want my own....

And so when you said that you went to people who did achieve success, my goodness, so have I.... And I agree with your point if that particular request has not manifested, I need to seek Him to find out why....

Yes, you're right about that...and I'm the "why" girl, too. I ask God questions ALL THE TIME, despite the fact that some churches teach that you're not supposed to question God, which goes back to what Bunny said about (some of) the church's sentiments on certain issues, e.g., singleness....

Sigh.... It's all pouring out now.... I hope the Lord is reading this thread 'cause even when I get on my knees to pray, I have no words...just tears....

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I think this teaching of being content with singleness is part of the women that black women are so disproportionately single compared to white women. Also, white women actively pursue marriage. I don't think black women are raised with that goal in mind since many of us are trying to "handle our business" and be responsible. I am always amazed at how white people seem to take settling down and getting married as the natural progression of adulthood. I can say that my thinking has dramatically changed through various blogs, books (Calling in the One), etc. and I am actively pursuing getting married now. These new links that the OP posted are very helpful.

 

[Browndilocks]

I just read the first chapter of Maken's book.

That's some powerful, eye opening stuff! That just helped me right there... I am going to make a purchase for myself AND one of my best friends.

 

[Bunny77]

I think this teaching of being content with singleness is part of the women that black women are so disproportionately single compared to white women. Also, white women actively pursue marriage. I don't think black women are raised with that goal in mind since many of us are trying to "handle our business" and be responsible. I am always amazed at how white people seem to take settling down and getting married as the natural progression of adulthood. I can say that my thinking has dramatically changed through various blogs, books (Calling in the One), etc. and I am actively pursuing getting married now. These new links that the OP posted are very helpful.

Great point!

While I was never discouraged from being married by family/friends and while I saw evidence of strong black marriages growing up, marriage was always painted as something that would just "happen," not something I should really think about or pursue.

My parents (I love them, but... ) would always get on me when I'd get upset about the latest dating relationship that went awry, telling me I was too focused/obsessed with having someone and just to let it go because it wasn't my time, I wasn't ready, God would eventually come through, blah blah blah.

After the last bad incident over the summer, I pointed out to my mother that while I have dated quite often over the last 10 years, I haven't had an official boyfriend in almost a decade. Just these little 3-month things here and there... and a little bit of me would seem to die inside after each one.

Suddenly, mom was like, "hmm, that has been a long time."

I sent her the excerpt from the Maken book and she was also blown away by it. It changed her whole point of view as well on my singleness and she and my dad are now fully committed to helping me in this area, rather than blowing off my concern as obsession.

You know what else helped me change my thinking? All those darn interracial marriage blogs! Whether or not one wants to date interracially (and NO, I am not turning this into an IR thread, don't worry!), the blogs bring up great points about how black women should NOT feel that they must be single all their lives if they don't want that. The blogs encourage black women to start working toward marriage NOW and not waste time questioning their desires to have husbands and families. All this time wasted with "getting ready" and questioning God's will only delays the process.

I also think that many churches simply have no answer to many black women about why so many of us aren't married, and that's why they focus on this "gift of singleness" doctrine and its various offshoots... which seems to keep us even more single than ever!

As for white/other women, someone pointed out on a different board that she was watching a documentary about the widows of 9/11 and noticed that many of those white women were already remarried! The wife of the "Let's Roll" guy got remarried three years later, as did the wife of one of the other famous victims on that flight... they sure didn't waste time!

And yet, some of us can't even seem to get one man to marry us, let alone two!

This is why things must change. As for me, all I know is that while I'm still single right now, I have never felt more optimistic about getting married than I do after reading Debbie Maken and Candice Watters. All this talk about being fulfilled as a single only made me feel less likely that I would ever find anyone... but not any more!

 

[Bunny77]

One more thing on the Maken book...

There will be some parts that will make you scratch your head and go, uh, what? (if you read it, you'll know what I'm talking about!). Also, one of her suggestions is not very practical for those of us who are over, say, 23 years old.

She also can be a wee bit abrasive in some parts and let's just say that she and I have completely different political views!

But... all that being said, I'd recommend the book to anyone who wants a completely different perspective on this whole being single/getting married issue. I figure that if I agree with 90+ percent of what she's saying, it's worth it.

And like Browndilocks and RelaxerRehab, when I read that first chapter online, I was just overcome... and it inspired me!

 

[tylertown]

I remember reading in the Bible the Apostle Paul speaking of the gift of singleness. He said that it is a blessing because you have no distractions and you can be 100% devoted to God, whereas when you are married part of your devotion must go to your husband and any children that come along. He also said that if you absolutely cannot stay single, as in you may commit fornication because of your "needs", then go ahead and get married. Being single isn't worth committing a sin. There's benefits of being married and being single. I guess it's up to each individual to determine what's right for them. Great topic, BTW .

I like ur response and this is what I've been told also. I would love to read this book.

 

[PaperClip]

Great point!

While I was never discouraged from being married by family/friends and while I saw evidence of strong black marriages growing up, marriage was always painted as something that would just "happen," not something I should really think about or pursue.

My parents (I love them, but... ) would always get on me when I'd get upset about the latest dating relationship that went awry, telling me I was too focused/obsessed with having someone and just to let it go because it wasn't my time, I wasn't ready, God would eventually come through, blah blah blah.

After the last bad incident over the summer, I pointed out to my mother that while I have dated quite often over the last 10 years, I haven't had an official boyfriend in almost a decade. Just these little 3-month things here and there... and a little bit of me would seem to die inside after each one.

Suddenly, mom was like, "hmm, that has been a long time."

I sent her the excerpt from the Maken book and she was also blown away by it. It changed her whole point of view as well on my singleness and she and my dad are now fully committed to helping me in this area, rather than blowing off my concern as obsession.

You know what else helped me change my thinking? All those darn interracial marriage blogs! Whether or not one wants to date interracially (and NO, I am not turning this into an IR thread, don't worry!), the blogs bring up great points about how black women should NOT feel that they must be single all their lives if they don't want that. The blogs encourage black women to start working toward marriage NOW and not waste time questioning their desires to have husbands and families. All this time wasted with "getting ready" and questioning God's will only delays the process.

I also think that many churches simply have no answer to many black women about why so many of us aren't married, and that's why they focus on this "gift of singleness" doctrine and its various offshoots... which seems to keep us even more single than ever!

As for white/other women, someone pointed out on a different board that she was watching a documentary about the widows of 9/11 and noticed that many of those white women were already remarried! The wife of the "Let's Roll" guy got remarried three years later, as did the wife of one of the other famous victims on that flight... they sure didn't waste time!

And yet, some of us can't even seem to get one man to marry us, let alone two!

This is why things must change. As for me, all I know is that while I'm still single right now, I have never felt more optimistic about getting married than I do after reading Debbie Maken and Candice Watters. All this talk about being fulfilled as a single only made me feel less likely that I would ever find anyone... but not any more!

That's good that you can talk to your mom. I feel like such a failure to even bring such things up to my mom. She's been married for 40 years to my dad. She has NO IDEA what it's like to be almost 40 and never married, and some of the other "never have done before's"..... When I have tried to bring it up, she asked me if I was jealous of her marriage.... so there ya go....

 

[Glib Gurl]

Hello Ladies

This is an awesome conversation you've got going here. I definitely plan to check out some of these resources (the Debbie Maken book, the Candice Waters website, etc.). Thank you, Bunny, for pointing me towards this thread. I don't think I have anything new to add to what's already been said. Only that I feel like a "freak" in that I've never been involved in a committed relationship with a man . . . my universe is entirely female . . . other than doing it the "churchy way" (praying real hard, joining every social ministry I can - but that isn't even an option as my new church is very small and full of married folk ) or the "worldly way" (losing a bunch of weight, dressing flashy, possibly being promiscuous). I am really anxious for companionship. I hope that you all can help me learn another way . . . .

 

[Bunny77]

That's good that you can talk to your mom. I feel like such a failure to even bring such things up to my mom. She's been married for 40 years to my dad. She has NO IDEA what it's like to be almost 40 and never married, and some of the other "never have done before's"..... When I have tried to bring it up, she asked me if I was jealous of her marriage.... so there ya go....

I am so sorry to hear that... old school parents can be like that sometimes. Every once in a while my mom will say something that totally lacks logic or common sense (and she's an educated woman) and I'm thinking, "How can you possibly say that????"

Well, I know that we can't replace your mom and dad, but we'll support you and everyone else here in our online group!


Glib Gurl, welcome to the thread!


Now... tips to get started...

-I liked Candice's idea about the prayer circle and she wrote another article in which she encouraged us to "pray boldly" for a spouse. She said this was how she used to pray...

When I was single, I used to pray for a husband like this, “Oh God, please don’t make me be single my whole life. I really want to be married. Oh I hope it’s not your will for me to be single. I don’t think I could do it! Please bring someone into my life soon, very soon. But help me to be patient in the meantime. And God, if you do want me to be single — but I hope you don’t — please give me the grace for it because I really don’t feel it. Did I mention how much I hope that’s not your will for me?”

She then changed to this...
Lord you created me. And I believe you created me for marriage. I don’t know the timeline, but I’m asking you to fulfill my desire to be married.

Then I thanked Him for what I believed He would do:

Thank you Lord for this strong desire you’ve placed in my heart. Thank you that you’ve already been where I’m headed and that you know what my future holds. Thank you for marriage and for my future mate. Please be with him and prepare His heart to do your will.

http://www.boundless.org/features/a0000992.html

-As for practical application, Debbie recommends enlisting agency. Tell anyone you can trust of your desire and see if they can arrange introductions or include you in events in which you might meet commitment-minded men. I found the most unusual agent in a white man at my job who introduced me to two of his employees who expressed interest in me. He is involved with ministry at his church, and I was able to talk to him about this issue.

That's a start for now... and we can start with the personal prayer right now!

 

[janiebaby]

-As for practical application, Debbie recommends enlisting agency. Tell anyone you can trust of your desire and see if they can arrange introductions or include you in events in which you might meet commitment-minded men. I found the most unusual agent in a white man at my job who introduced me to two of his employees who expressed interest in me. He is involved with ministry at his church, and I was able to talk to him about this issue.

Ok, I have to ask about the quote above....I was one of those people that didn't make it known that I was looking and I would read things that said that you should talk to friends, etc., and so on and that not talking to them was my pride getting in the way.

For me, it turned out that I should not have spoken up. I have seen other people get introduced to people and I find that this is more often than not an effective way to meet people. However, I really wonder if they asked to be introduced. I have yet to be introduced to anyone worthwhile and when I did get introduced to people it was because my friend's boyfriend had a friend that didn't want to be left out while his friend was with his girlfriend.

Is there a special way to enlist the help of friends? All my friends know for a fact that I am single and looking because I have made it known now.

 

[Bunny77]

Ok, I have to ask about the quote above....I was one of those people that didn't make it known that I was looking and I would read things that said that you should talk to friends, etc., and so on and that not talking to them was my pride getting in the way.

For me, it turned out that I should not have spoken up. I have seen other people get introduced to people and I find that this is more often than not an effective way to meet people. However, I really wonder if they asked to be introduced. I have yet to be introduced to anyone worthwhile and when I did get introduced to people it was because my friend's boyfriend had a friend that didn't want to be left out while his friend was with his girlfriend.

Is there a special way to enlist the help of friends? All my friends know for a fact that I am single and looking because I have made it known now.

Yeah, I can see both sides of that... and you're right, getting the wrong introductions can be a problem.

I think Maken's idea of agency is using someone like a father, father figure, pastor or older person in general who is looking out for your best interests and can determine if a man is a good choice for you.

Although folks know that I'm looking, I haven't told everybody. My parents and that one guy at my job are working as my agents at the moment. I might ask a good friend of mine who is married... she and her husband are active in the church and I trust her judgment.

I know this is all easier said than done, of course, but I think the point is to pick people who will only introduce you to quality folks and not just someone who doesn't want to go to a party alone!

Hope that helps!

 

[motherx2esq]

This is such an great topic! I'm single (with children) and while I will not go into my life, I am not content with being single. Everyone always says "let him come to you" and "your time will come" but my word I am just tired of waiting. But I refuse to take just anyone but meeting someone of quality is so hard. But anyway, this is a great topic. Bunny you are speaking volumes!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Great point!

While I was never discouraged from being married by family/friends and while I saw evidence of strong black marriages growing up, marriage was always painted as something that would just "happen," not something I should really think about or pursue.

My parents (I love them, but... ) would always get on me when I'd get upset about the latest dating relationship that went awry, telling me I was too focused/obsessed with having someone and just to let it go because it wasn't my time, I wasn't ready, God would eventually come through, blah blah blah.

After the last bad incident over the summer, I pointed out to my mother that while I have dated quite often over the last 10 years, I haven't had an official boyfriend in almost a decade. Just these little 3-month things here and there... and a little bit of me would seem to die inside after each one.

Suddenly, mom was like, "hmm, that has been a long time."

I sent her the excerpt from the Maken book and she was also blown away by it. It changed her whole point of view as well on my singleness and she and my dad are now fully committed to helping me in this area, rather than blowing off my concern as obsession.

You know what else helped me change my thinking? All those darn interracial marriage blogs! Whether or not one wants to date interracially (and NO, I am not turning this into an IR thread, don't worry!), the blogs bring up great points about how black women should NOT feel that they must be single all their lives if they don't want that. The blogs encourage black women to start working toward marriage NOW and not waste time questioning their desires to have husbands and families. All this time wasted with "getting ready" and questioning God's will only delays the process.

I also think that many churches simply have no answer to many black women about why so many of us aren't married, and that's why they focus on this "gift of singleness" doctrine and its various offshoots... which seems to keep us even more single than ever!

As for white/other women, someone pointed out on a different board that she was watching a documentary about the widows of 9/11 and noticed that many of those white women were already remarried! The wife of the "Let's Roll" guy got remarried three years later, as did the wife of one of the other famous victims on that flight... they sure didn't waste time!

And yet, some of us can't even seem to get one man to marry us, let alone two!

This is why things must change. As for me, all I know is that while I'm still single right now, I have never felt more optimistic about getting married than I do after reading Debbie Maken and Candice Watters. All this talk about being fulfilled as a single only made me feel less likely that I would ever find anyone... but not any more!

That is a shame. We have GOT to get as serious about our love lives as everything else! I have to admit that the interracial blogs have made me start to re-evaluate my stance on my options and definitely Calling in the One has been very helpful. I don't know if I'll get Maken's book, but I for sure am no longer going to feel guilty or bad for NOT wanting to be single. Every time I would feel really sad, I'd feel guilty for feeling that way and then try to "man up." God appreciates our realness, and I've been getting really "real" with God.

 

[Bunny77]

This is such an great topic! I'm single (with children) and while I will not go into my life, I am not content with being single. Everyone always says "let him come to you" and "your time will come" but my word I am just tired of waiting. But I refuse to take just anyone but meeting someone of quality is so hard. But anyway, this is a great topic. Bunny you are speaking volumes!

Isn't it amazing what we've all been taught and how much pain it's caused us? And how many blessings we might have missed?

Like you, I'm not going to take just anyone. I'll be single forever before being yoked with the wrong person!

But one thing that I AM going to do from now on is date purposefully. I know these authors talk about that -- how women often settle for "friendships" or unfulfilled relationships with men who have no intention of committing to us... but we hold out hoping things will get better.

I dated a guy over the summer who flat out said he didn't want to get married and I was thinking, "Well that's okay, we can be friends. It's all good." But really, was it? NO!

He got all of the benefits (not THOSE benefits, btw) of having female companionship when he felt like it, he could take me to dinner off and on and flirt and tell me all of these wonderful things, but all on HIS terms. I couldn't want more or else he'd back away, saying things were getting too serious... and all the while, people were telling me to stop being so impatient with this guy and focused on having a boyfriend because he could eventually become one!

Well, I think you can figure out the end of the story. Today, he's hardly around, and I had a tough time over the past few months trying to get over him. Was that worth it? NO! Would I have been better off kicking him to the curb as soon as I learned his intentions? YES!

But, the Lord is good, because in my time of distress, I started researching writings on singleness and somehow stumbled upon Boundless.org, which then led to the discovery of Maken, The Gift of Singleness blog, etc., etc.

So... I might have fewer dating opportunities in the future, but I'm going to make sure that if I choose to date someone, his intentions are serious. Don't get caught up in being someone's "buddy" -- even a non-sexual buddy... don't do it!