The Gift of Singleness

Okay ladies, as an unmarried (but seeing someone), I know this subject gets discussed a lot.

But, I really want to talk about the gift of singleness. I know that at one time in my life, I didn't see it that way. But now I realize that it really is an opportunity to get closer to God, accomplish goals, get ourselves right, and truly live in a way that once you are married, you won't.

I feel like singleness gives you the opportunity to find yourself. You can travel freely, pursue goals without having to worry about someone else, and do a lot of other things.

I think a lot of times, when you are happily single, you will attract someone who wants to enjoy life with you. What do you all think?

Heh heh...

I remember starting a thread with this title, but with a different slant on it.

I'll say this. There is a benefit to a single season. The examples you mentioned are reasons why there is a benefit.

I also think that we should be happy and fulfilled in whatever state we are in. However I think the idea that one must be happily single to attract someone else isn't always true, as I have seen some relationships develop in states when one partner was not necessarily happily single -- but the relationships remain strong today.

Finally, I think that a period of singleness, while beneficial to a large degree, was not intended to be as long-lasting as what many women are experiencing these days. I don't see a benefit in that for most people.

Now that I am single for the first time in almost 10 years (and I am only 23, retarded...no good) I truly so joy the benefits to my singleness. I believe its easier to be single once you've been through some stuff and God has open'd your eyes about yourself a bit. I am doing things now I wouldve never done if I was in a relationship. My relationship with Jesus is stronger. I am dressing nicer and feeling better about myself without needing a male to validate it. I am traveling and being much more sociable. And I am doing it without male consent.

Though I know this time is temporary, its been a wonder period in my life of self and God discovery. Now, I know what God expects of me and of a future husband from a biblical prespective. If I wouldve gotten married without this period, it would have been a complete disaster.

ETA: I just posted a thread titled Marriage and Men / Marriage and Women. The thread contains a link http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-men. My male co-worker/homie sent me this link 10minutes after I finished listening to it. Where is how the convo went:

Homie: http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-men
Me: Are you kidding me?
Homie: what?
Me: Are you watching my internet activity?
Homie: huh?
what you mean?
Me: I JUST finish'd watching that like 10mins ago
Homie: hahhahahhahahhaha
you serious?
lol
Me: YES
Homie: hhahahhahahaha
what can i say lil buddy
lol
Me: why you send it to me
what message are you sending me
Homie: cause i know you're getting married soon
so might as well make sure you're looking for the right things
Me: YOU KNOW?
Who told you that?
Homie: lol
i know all things yaya

Now, I havent told him about anyone and I really dont have any serious potential or anything but God is messing with me again. He always does this.

prettyfaceANB said:

Now that I am single for the first time in almost 10 years (and I am only 23, retarded...no good) I truly so joy the benefits to my singleness. I believe its easier to be single once you've been through some stuff and God has open'd your eyes about yourself a bit. I am doing things now I wouldve never done if I was in a relationship. My relationship with Jesus is stronger. I am dressing nicer and feeling better about myself without needing a male to validate it. I am traveling and being much more sociable. And I am doing it without male consent.

Though I know this time is temporary, its been a wonder period in my life of self and God discovery. Now, I know what God expects of me and of a future husband from a biblical prespective. If I wouldve gotten married without this period, it would have been a complete disaster.

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I agree with Bunny and Pretty. I am single and generally happy. But it would sure be nice to know the other side of things. I remember dating someone for 4 months who did not treat me well and I was so glad when that was over that I did appreciate my singlehood better. But now as I get older, that is a sadness that goes along with my singleness. I don't know. I guess I wouldn't say that I am a "happy single." I deal with being single b/c I have no other choice. I am generally happy though - overall, including all things of life. I hope that makes ense.

I like this thread! My whole time in college I had a boyfriend..two years after college I think its the best thing in the world to be single and free. I can focus on my relationship with God, and I am enjoying the freedom of being me. This is really a period that the Lord planned for me, because I needed to grow as a person. I no longer have to depend on a boyfriend to take me out, or take me where I want to go because I can do those things myself on my own and its an awesome feeling.

I'm the kind of person, that if I wanted to date someone I could. Every time I've wanted to be involved with some one I was. I attribute that to the fact that I simply had a desire, and the right circumstances blended with the right time and things happened. Now those occurrences were not meant to be forever, because I'm not at a point where I am looking for a lifetime mate. I'm just enjoying the process of really getting to know myself, and what I want out of life.

I'll admit when I'm going thru a trying time, sometimes I want a nice strong, muscular (yummy scented) body to lean on again, but for the time being, I can read my bible and know that God will never leave me and He is always with me...and eventually I'll be in a relationship with a great guy again because I'm too fab for God not to bless some worthy soul with my companionship! lol Later for all that...I'm just loving coming into my own, on my own

I am sure you love where you are but have you considered moving?

You're single, no children, no church you love, no husband, no great potentials....

Not that I'd move to find a husband but because of my nature if I have nothing holding me back, I'd move to see what the other parts of the nation may offer me.

I dont know, just a thought. If anything, you can always move back.

hairlove said:

I agree with Bunny and Pretty. I am single and generally happy. But it would sure be nice to know the other side of things. I remember dating someone for 4 months who did not treat me well and I was so glad when that was over that I did appreciate my singlehood better. But now as I get older, that is a sadness that goes along with my singleness. I don't know. I guess I wouldn't say that I am a "happy single." I deal with being single b/c I have no other choice. I am generally happy though - overall, including all things of life. I hope that makes ense.

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prettyfaceANB said:

I am sure you love where you are but have you considered moving?

You're single, no children, no church you love, no husband, no great potentials....

Not that I'd move to find a husband but because of my nature if I have nothing holding me back, I'd move to see what the other parts of the nation may offer me.

I dont know, just a thought. If anything, you can always move back.

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Been there, done that.

Actually, I just moved two years ago - back home.

Generally, I have never lived in the same "home" for more than 18 months since I was like 24!

I moved across the country at one point for 5 years and came back "home" two years ago!

ETA: To respond to that in bold. No, I don't really LOVE where I am (don't hate it either). I just moved back to be closer to family. When you don't have a life partner, sometimes it can be very lonely living somewhere else always going to other peoples' family gatherings - sometimes being invited and sometimes not. I just got to the point, where I was tired of spending holidays alone. I am willing to move for a spouse though.

I am going to really pray for you tonight. Like the little white girl in "Something New" said...."We have got to get you married"

hairlove said:

Been there, done that.

Actually, I just moved two years ago - back home.

Generally, I have never lived in the same "home" for more than 18 months since I was like 24!

I moved across the country at one point for 5 years and came back "home" two years ago!

ETA: To respond to that in bold. No, I don't really LOVE where I am (don't hate it either). I just moved back to be closer to family. When you don't have a life partner, sometimes it can be very lonely living somewhere else always going to other peoples' family gatherings - sometimes being invited and sometimes not. I just got to the point, where I was tired of spending holidays alone. I am willing to move for a spouse though.

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I was in a 11 year relationship a few years back. After we broke up I haven't dated anyone since then (I've been single for about 3 years now). I enjoyed over 2 years of my single life, I traveled, did more things, left Chicago, etc. I enjoyed the quiet time.
Now, I'm ready to meet someone and get married (I'm 33).

I agree with Bunny, we weren't suppose to be alone for this long period of time.

prettyfaceANB said:

I am going to really pray for you tonight. Like the little white girl in "Something New" said...."We have got to get you married"

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Pretty - That's so sweet of you. Like I mentioned in another thread, I feel like Charlotte "But I'm out there. Really. I have been trying!"

cocoberry10 said:

Okay ladies, as an unmarried (but seeing someone), I know this subject gets discussed a lot.

But, I really want to talk about the gift of singleness. I know that at one time in my life, I didn't see it that way. But now I realize that it really is an opportunity to get closer to God, accomplish goals, get ourselves right, and truly live in a way that once you are married, you won't.

I feel like singleness gives you the opportunity to find yourself. You can travel freely, pursue goals without having to worry about someone else, and do a lot of other things.

I think a lot of times, when you are happily single, you will attract someone who wants to enjoy life with you. What do you all think?

Click to expand...

That's assuming one has no children. When one does, the desire to be in a stable marriage is all the greater, and it needs to be. G-d considers the divored "single" woman a widow/abandonned. I never saw it that way years ago but I sure do now. I think that when you hit the late twenties, your biology takes over and desires to procreate. It's harder after 30...singlehood....one's chances diminish exponentially with each decade of singleness so it's understandable the difference between early to mid-twenties and later. The desire isn't as great.

GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I said:

That's assuming one has no children. When one does, the desire to be in a stable marriage is all the greater, and it needs to be. G-d considers the divored "single" woman a widow/abandonned. I never saw it that way years ago but I sure do now. I think that when you hit the late twenties, your biology takes over and desires to procreate. It's harder after 30...singlehood....one's chances diminish exponentially with each decade of singleness so it's understandable the difference between early to mid-twenties and later. The desire isn't as great.

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I tend to agree. My older sister is divorced - basically her ex decided he no longer wanted to be with her and left - and has 3 girls. She has to pretty much do everything on her own. Especially now that he is serving. I feel badly for her but now she is so bitter towards marriage, in general. So, no, for her singleness is no gift.

Bunny77 said:

Heh heh...

I remember starting a thread with this title, but with a different slant on it.

I'll say this. There is a benefit to a single season. The examples you mentioned are reasons why there is a benefit.

I also think that we should be happy and fulfilled in whatever state we are in. However I think the idea that one must be happily single to attract someone else isn't always true, as I have seen some relationships develop in states when one partner was not necessarily happily single -- but the relationships remain strong today.

Finally, I think that a period of singleness, while beneficial to a large degree, was not intended to be as long-lasting as what many women are experiencing these days. I don't see a benefit in that for most people.

Click to expand...

I remember that thread you started.

I agree with the bolded. I've seen people go into relationships when they weren't happily single.

I guess that sometimes people who are happily single will attract someone. That hasn't been the case with me or other women I know though.

Bunny77 said:

Heh heh...

I remember starting a thread with this title, but with a different slant on it.

I'll say this. There is a benefit to a single season. The examples you mentioned are reasons why there is a benefit.

I also think that we should be happy and fulfilled in whatever state we are in. However I think the idea that one must be happily single to attract someone else isn't always true, as I have seen some relationships develop in states when one partner was not necessarily happily single -- but the relationships remain strong today.

Finally, I think that a period of singleness, while beneficial to a large degree, was not intended to be as long-lasting as what many women are experiencing these days. I don't see a benefit in that for most people.

Click to expand...

I agree with your whole post, but especially the last bolded part. I do not believe that women were intended to be single well into their 40's and 50's. I don't think that's God's intent!

cocoberry10 said:

I agree with your whole post, but especially the last bolded part. I do not believe that women were intended to be single well into their 40's and 50's. I don't think that's God's intent!

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I don't "think" so either but where's the proof? The only thing I can think is that maybe at some point, God did bring a future husband to someone but for whatever reason, the person didn't accept them or whatever. And it took God a while to send them someone else. I don't know. I just have a hard time also believing God would want some of us to go through such LONG periods of singleness. And maybe that is where culture comes into play. erplexed

hairlove said:

I don't "think" so either but where's the proof? The only thing I can think is that maybe at some point, God did bring a future husband to someone but for whatever reason, the person didn't accept them or whatever. And it took God a while to send them someone else. I don't know. I just have a hard time also believing God would want some of us to go through such LONG periods of singleness. And maybe that is where culture comes into play. erplexed

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I think that cultural forces are behind lengthy periods of unwanted singleness... when a cultural group does not value marriage, then its members don't get married.

As I mention often, women in groups in which marriage is the norm, if not a mandate, don't have this problem. This discussion would be totally foreign to them. While God is definitely involved in the marriage process, He's always left the particulars up to the individuals in the community... so since some of "us" have dropped the ball on that... voila, extended singleness.

But I think that is too overwhelming for many churches to address, so they dance around the key issue and focus on women being "ready," or waiting on God's will and perfect timing or for Him to "send" someone. Plus, I don't believe in the idea of God "sending" someone a husband or wife in the way that churches seem to express it.

I definitely don't think that God wants it to be this way, but when we (as a community) insist on doing things OUR way, God won't stop us.

I highly doubt that God wants marriage for every group EXCEPT black Americans/Brits.

I tend to view long periods of singleness and questions about God's provision in the same way that we think about other things that go wrong in our lives or cause us a lot of pain, be they illness, death, drama, broken relationships, etc. The Lord allows a lot of non-ideal and really painful situations in our lives to remain--it seems that protracted singleness is one of those things. We should do what we can to combat whatever causes might be attributing to that (within our control), and ask the Lord to provide, and then learn contentment with the outcome. But, for most, we probably have a lot more control in this arena than we realize.

But about His provision...sometimes it's not at all what you expected. I remember coming across a verse in the Psalms that I knew the Lord had spoken to me at a very needful time. It was: "The Lord is a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows. The Lord sets the solitary in families." The Psalm was recognizing that there are some who are lonely and struggling, and he will provide. I took this specifically to be a word about marriage and family. Perhaps it was, but at the same time, over the next few years, different people and families extended hospitality to me in such crazy and wonderful ways that I knew the Lord was providing, just not in the way I expected/wanted.

But, as far as the OP's question, I think you can definitely get too caught up in your own life and used to doing things alone. Honestly, I think the "period of singleness" message is the wrong one for most single women. It just seems that it's promoted as a backup to marriage. Like, "Well, looks like a relationship isn't panning out, might as well make use of your time otherwise." Neh, I like Dr. Dobson's advice. Don't back off of the pursuit of marriage if you're currently single, but if that's what you want, put all your energies into making that thing happen. We should always be productive with our lives and time, but doing more and more things to entrench independence won't help.

Great info and advice guys.

I had dinner with a friend tonite and it saddened me. She said in so many words that she's giving on up finding a Christian man and figures as long as she can meet a good man.

I can understand her frustration but I refuse to settle and be unequally yoked.

Bunny77 said:

But I think that is too overwhelming for many churches to address, so they dance around the key issue and focus on women being "ready," or waiting on God's will and perfect timing or for Him to "send" someone. Plus, I don't believe in the idea of God "sending" someone a husband or wife in the way that churches seem to express it.

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I think these books are also giving us something else "to do in the meantime" just like non-Christian single books. But, what are we gonna do? I know that I can't spend most of my free time completely focused on finding a guy. I guess there just has to be a balance. So, really, I probably spend a good part of my free time focusing on God and myself which should translate into me becoming a good wife someday as well as some time being focused on trying to "meet" eligible bachelors. I mean, whether you're "waiting" on a guy or not, if you're not in places to meet guys, then it's a slim chance that it will happen.