The Gift of Singleness

[PaperClip]

I knew him for about 6 months before I knew he was the one. We had been hanging out in groups, and through interactions and conversations, I started to see that he was the type of man I'd want to be with. It wasn't immediate...I didn't think he was my type at first. One of his friends told me he was interested in me, and I said absolutely not.But God knew what He was doing.

Then, once we started talking to each other on the phone, I was positive he was the one. I waited for him to say something though. All in all, we were platonic for about a year, then he came out and told me he knew I was his wife, he had prayed about it, and he wanted to know if we could start on the road to marriage.

What did you do in the meantime, during that year? How did you live? Were you working? Going to school? What was your age during that year? Were you all actively dating/exclusive or was it more casual?

Yeah, I've gots lots of questions!

 

[Southernbella.]

And how long did it take from that to actually getting married? (hope i'm not too nosy either lool)

From when we started dating to engagement was 6 months. From there to marriage was about 8 months. And no, not too nosy at all!

 

[Southernbella.]

What did you do in the meantime, during that year? How did you live? Were you working? Going to school? What was your age during that year? Were you all actively dating/exclusive or was it more casual?

Yeah, I've gots lots of questions!

Hee hee, I think I know where you're going with this!

I was 22, in school, working full time, and living with my sister.

We weren't dating at all. We hung out in groups in the beginning (his group of friends and my group of friends). We hung out a few times a month, had barbecues, went to dinner/movies, etc. All of us were single, so we would have lots of conversations about marriage and dating and whatnot. I guess it was like our own informal singles ministry in a way.

So for the first six months, it was just the group thing. Then, he asked me if he could call me on the phone, and I said yes, so we started talking on the phone. I only called him if he called me...I never initiated. I don't recommend that for everyone, but that was something I felt strongly about at the time, and something that my dh needed at the time, so it worked for us. We got REALLY close through these conversations. We were like best friends and told each other everything.

In short, it was agony. It felt like waiting for something that you know is yours, but all you can do is look at it because it's not time yet and if you jumped the gun, it could potentially ruin things.

Finally, one night he invited me to his aunt's dinner party. Afterwards, he invited me back to his house to watch the all-star game with his roommate and some others. I hate basketball, but I went anyway.

That was the night. He was walking me to my car and just came out with it. He said he had been praying and that I was his wife and he was in love with me. He said he waited because he wanted to make sure it was God, and it was. He told me to think about it and pray about it and give him my answer when I was ready. I told him I didn't have to think about it because I was in love with him too and had been for awhile now. I told him yes, and that's when we started dating.

Was age a factor? Probably so. Although I did spend a lot of time alone before this. I'm not sure how things would have gone if we had been older, or if I was actively dating the whole time, or if I had had my own place.

But we both knew pretty early on that this was it. It wasn't real deep or anything...he had the qualities I was looking for (and had asked God for), and vice-versa. The hard part was the waiting game. But from start to finish, first meeting to marriage, it all took a little over 2 years, which doesn't seem that long when I look back on it.

Ok, sorry for rambling!

 

[PaperClip]

Hee hee, I think I know where you're going with this!

I was 22, in school, working full time, and living with my sister.

We weren't dating at all. We hung out in groups in the beginning (his group of friends and my group of friends). We hung out a few times a month, had barbecues, went to dinner/movies, etc. All of us were single, so we would have lots of conversations about marriage and dating and whatnot. I guess it was like our own informal singles ministry in a way.

So for the first six months, it was just the group thing. Then, he asked me if he could call me on the phone, and I said yes, so we started talking on the phone. I only called him if he called me...I never initiated. I don't recommend that for everyone, but that was something I felt strongly about at the time, and something that my dh needed at the time, so it worked for us. We got REALLY close through these conversations. We were like best friends and told each other everything.

In short, it was agony. It felt like waiting for something that you know is yours, but all you can do is look at it because it's not time yet and if you jumped the gun, it could potentially ruin things.

Finally, one night he invited me to his aunt's dinner party. Afterwards, he invited me back to his house to watch the all-star game with his roommate and some others. I hate basketball, but I went anyway.

That was the night. He was walking me to my car and just came out with it. He said he had been praying and that I was his wife and he was in love with me. He said he waited because he wanted to make sure it was God, and it was. He told me to think about it and pray about it and give him my answer when I was ready. I told him I didn't have to think about it because I was in love with him too and had been for awhile now. I told him yes, and that's when we started dating.

Was age a factor? Probably so. Although I did spend a lot of time alone before this. I'm not sure how things would have gone if we had been older, or if I was actively dating the whole time, or if I had had my own place.

But we both knew pretty early on that this was it. It wasn't real deep or anything...he had the qualities I was looking for (and had asked God for), and vice-versa. The hard part was the waiting game. But from start to finish, first meeting to marriage, it all took a little over 2 years, which doesn't seem that long when I look back on it.

Ok, sorry for rambling!

Where do you think I'm going with this, miss missy? (Smile!)

Seriously, 22 was what I thought was the "ideal" age.... For me, at that age, I was in my senior year of college and so it would have been "ideal" for me to graduate in December and get married the summer of the next year.... To the church world, to go to college was nice, but it had better not interfere with getting married within the "ideal" age range....

Also, the group dating approach in the beginning takes the pressure off so that would have been ideal for me as well.... I suppose your experience would have been my "ideal"....

So for me now, double-digit years later I'm looking around now...looking at myself, looking at society, looking at church, looking at God like, well, I had an idea of what my "ideal" was supposed to look like...and so now I have to change it but I don't know what this "new" ideal is supposed to look like and it doesn't align with what the church has taught (and keeps teaching) the women....the church seems to ignore the changes in society and culture.... and the imbalance of marriageable Black men in the church today.... Sigh....

Not rambling at all! It's a beautiful story!

 

[Bunny77]

It's interesting RR, because I always saw myself being married "older" -- older meaning minimum of 26. Then when I got to about 25, I moved that age up to 32. (Watch me get hitched at 32... )

But I've had to realize that if that's the plan, I need to stop being passive! Because I don't want 32 to turn into 35 into 40 into 45, etc., etc...

On a different note, my workplace had a book fair and I found a book written by a Jewish woman who has a matchmaking service. It was just a dollar, so I bought it.

Now, she writes from a secular perspective, but I found this passage very timely.

"I assume you're reading this book because you want to fall in love and get married. How great is that? That's a wonderful, honorable goal. I think marriage is one of the greatest things on earth. Having someone to love, cry with, talk to, share life and grow old with: That's sexy. That's wonderful. That's hip and cool and stylish. Don't let anyone tell you it's not.

Some people scoff at those actively searching for a loving mate. I don't, not only because it's my business to help find people their soul mates, but also because I believe love and marriage are sacred. So don't, for a single second, feel embarassed about making a conscious decision to look for a marriageable mate."

WOW... again, I find it amazing... here's a secular, non-practicing woman esteeming the virtues of marriage and affirming that it's a great desire to have! Christian churches need to get on the ball and start taking this standpoint, NOT this "gift of singleness," "you need to be ready," "marriage is hard, so it's best to be single," doctrine!

Edited to add: And I hate to again get racial with all of this, but on one of the IR blogs, I found it interesting that the writer said that black women are the only group of women told that they have to jump through 700000 hoops to become "marriageable" and "ready." Isn't there something wrong with this?

 

[PaperClip]

It's interesting RR, because I always saw myself being married "older" -- older meaning minimum of 26. Then when I got to about 25, I moved that age up to 32. (Watch me get hitched at 32... )

But I've had to realize that if that's the plan, I need to stop being passive! Because I don't want 32 to turn into 35 into 40 into 45, etc., etc...

On a different note, my workplace had a book fair and I found a book written by a Jewish woman who has a matchmaking service. It was just a dollar, so I bought it.

Now, she writes from a secular perspective, but I found this passage very timely.

"I assume you're reading this book because you want to fall in love and get married. How great is that? That's a wonderful, honorable goal. I think marriage is one of the greatest things on earth. Having someone to love, cry with, talk to, share life and grow old with: That's sexy. That's wonderful. That's hip and cool and stylish. Don't let anyone tell you it's not.

Some people scoff at those actively searching for a loving mate. I don't, not only because it's my business to help find people their soul mates, but also because I believe love and marriage are sacred. So don't, for a single second, feel embarassed about making a conscious decision to look for a marriageable mate."

WOW... again, I find it amazing... here's a secular, non-practicing woman esteeming the virtues of marriage and affirming that it's a great desire to have! Christian churches need to get on the ball and start taking this standpoint, NOT this "gift of singleness," "you need to be ready," "marriage is hard, so it's best to be single," doctrine!

Edited to add: And I hate to again get racial with all of this, but on one of the IR blogs, I found it interesting that the writer said that black women are the only group of women told that they have to jump through 700000 hoops to become "marriageable" and "ready." Isn't there something wrong with this?

Bunny! Hey, yes, that was the "ideal" I thought was supposed to be, but honestly, I wasn't planning on getting married until I was 30. I was gonna graduate from college, get a job in journalism in a different city, and me and my boyfriend were gonna either be in the same city or different cities and you know, we be friends and lovers and colleagues and after our careers got going nicely, we'd go ahead and tie the knot....

Well, 29 startled the heck out of me because the boyfriend didn't last beyond college and there weren't any viable prospects at that time.... And I think since age 29, I have been in this low-level funk of disappointment that has manifested through stress, lack of enthusiasm, significant weight gain, and at times, not even caring how I looked because my "ideal" and my picture of how things were going to turn out did a complete 180....

...will continue in another post....

 

[SEMO]

Thanks Lauren450 for sharing your story. I like how he was the one to pursue you and how you got to observe him in group situations. Right now that's how it is with the guy I'm interested in. I'm just worried that I won't know how to play it cool and will try to artificially rush things.

I believe that the man should put in most of the work in the early stages of the relationship (i.e. doing the most calling). But I was talking to my sister-in-law and brother and they were telling me I should ask him out, and what if some other woman gets to him before me . But I've been praying and I truly believe that a man will cherish you more if he had to work for you, and if he's the one for me I don't think that God will let some other woman swoop in and "steal" him.

Another question for you Lauren450 (thanks for being so patient with all the questions) how did your relationship work after you started dating/purposefully pusuing marrige with him? Did you go to premarital counseling or set up dates where you met and were evaluated by each other's family? I'm just curious as to how that went.

 

[SEMO]

Also, Buuny77 I agree with you about all the hoop jumping they ask women to go through being ridiculous.

 

[PaperClip]

Continued from previous post (Post #126):

So you all saw the post where I mentioned the dual conversations with my church pastors.... and as I have been meditatating on those conversations, what I believe was impressed upon my heart is that this (EXTENDED?) season of singleness is not my fault(?).... and that their words brought comfort to me... Like when my pastor said that the men are intimidated... which is a different message than "RR, YOU ARE INTIMIDATING", which could mean a range of things but it still puts the (negative) responsibility on me and it makes it seem like I'm this aggressive pit bull just beating up on the men when I know I'm not doing that.... Of course, I can learn to be more graceful, and to be more...how can I say, discreet, if you will.... But even if I were to do all that, an INTIMIDATED man would still be intimidated.... So what more or less could I do?

And that there are SO MANY single (Black & educated) women who are so distressed and so not at peace because they believe (and we have been told implicitly and explicitly) that the reason(s) we are not married is because of deficiency in them/us.... And in some instances, we may have contributed to the situation on an individual level, but in the big picture, there are some systemic, societal issues that are DIRECTLY IMPACTING and DISTURBING...dare I say DESTROYING the formation of healthy, GODLY, marital relationships....

I'll keep this conversation on the natural side of things because we already know the enemy HATES marriage, esp. the marriages that work because two are better than one and one can put a thousand to flight but TWO can put TEN thousand to flight (Deuteronomy 32:30)....

I used a question next to the word "EXTENDED" because I believe that the Lord is sovereign, He knows best, He has a divine plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). So maybe I am flowing right in His plan with regard to the perfect timing for me to be married. Of the men I have encountered in my adult life, I don't feel like any of them were "THE ONE". Sure, I could have tried to put something together but then that doesn't seem to be the best condition under which to be married.... I don't know if one of them could have been "THE ONE" and I messed it up? I don't know exactly.

What I do know is that I believe the Lord ordained marriage for me. I know this through personal words as well as prophetic words spoken to me by MAJOR prophets. I know this because I have (healthy) sexual desires that I deal with and try to handle in a holy way and the Bible says it is better to marry than to burn. I know this because He has placed examples of good marriages around me, including my parents being married 40 years and my church pastors. I know this because I have become MUCH MORE VOCAL about wanting to be married and as Bunny has talked about "agency", I am RECRUITING AGENTS RIGHT NOW!!!! Recruiting them in prayer as well as scouting out! I know this because I cannot accept that the Lord would have me walk around on this planet getting more miserable every day. And sometimes the misery gets so overwhelming that I just want to end it so I can stop feeling the pain. That's how deep it is for me right now.

 

[Bunny77]

Thanks Lauren450 for sharing your story. I like how he was the one to pursue you and how you got to observe him in group situations. Right now that's how it is with the guy I'm interested in. I'm just worried that I won't know how to play it cool and will try to artificially rush things.

I believe that the man should put in most of the work in the early stages of the relationship (i.e. doing the most calling). But I was talking to my sister-in-law and brother and they were telling me I should ask him out, and what if some other woman gets to him before me . But I've been praying and I truly believe that a man will cherish you more if he had to work for you, and if he's the one for me I don't think that God will let some other woman swoop in and "steal" him.

Another question for you Lauren450 (thanks for being so patient with all the questions) how did your relationship work after you started dating/purposefully pusuing marrige with him? Did you go to premarital counseling or set up dates where you met and were evaluated by each other's family? I'm just curious as to how that went.

I agree with you and your point of view, but I've had family members who've said I need to do some asking out.

My mom will say that to me sometimes and I look at her like, erplexed. So I ask if she approached my dad or if he approacher her. Then she's quiet. I also ask if she ever had to ask a man out, and she had a very active dating life.

She said that she didn't remember... but I know the answer is no. Then she said, "Well, it's a different time now and blah blah blah..."

My answer... "Well, obviously it's not working, or else 70% of black women wouldn't be single."

I also talk to my married friends in my age group -- many of whom are black women -- and ALL of them have said that their husbands made the first move and did the work to prove they were worthy. They won my friends over... and these men were in their mid-20s, so I don't want to hear that men are "shy" or don't know what to do and need to be asked out. No other woman is going to "snatch up" someone who isn't supposed to be snatched up... I truly believe this fear comes from all the hype we hear about the man shortage (which I also think is overblown, but that's another thread.)

The farthest I will go is giving a man my business card if we meet at a social event and tell him to give me a call sometime. If he doesn't, oh well, I'm not doing any more than that. And I still do this VERY rarely... it has to be an extreme circumstance for me to take this action.

Anyway, I'm rambling... keep going Lauren with your story!

P.S. SEMO, ask your brother and sister-in-law who approached whom the next time they bring that up... I bet your brother approached and pursued your sister-in-law, right?

 

[PaperClip]

Ok... I know I've been posting a lot.... Sorry....

Bunny, you mentioned the book by the Jewish matchmaker. Well, I often visit this site (www.aish.com). It is a Jewish website and I browse the dating section and came across this article:

http://www.aish.com/dating/wisdom/Season_of_Isolation.asp
Season of Isolation
by Freidl Liba bas Chava
Being single shouldn't mean being lonely at the holiest time of year

I'll post a couple of paragraphs but you can read the article in its entirety at the link above....

"The anxiety dreams came earlier than I expected.

I knew they were coming, and I tried to brace myself, to be ready to fight off creeping depression, triggered, ironically, by a time of year that should be a period of joy, of growth, of connection to the sweetest of the sweet: The High Holiday season.

The holidays are supposed to be about renewal of one's relationship with the ineffable and, less sublimely, about being with your family and the people you love. But after 11 years of the holidays as a single adult, I dread Tishrei's approach with increasing intensity each year.

And her words will echo in my ears as I sit in the shul where I don't fit... and I will once again pour my heart out to my Creator and beg him to let me give all that I believe I have to give. Every phase of life has its difficulties: Please, switch mine. So many single women have to fight bitterness and despair, the loneliness and sadness that is soft background music to our days, even when our lives are otherwise blessed

Let this be the year that my friend's friend doesn't unhelpfully inform me of the lack of good guys but rather goes home and makes a list. She'll make some phone calls. She'll find at least five good guys to set up with at least a few of the oceans of good girls she claims to know (and let this be the year that she realizes that telling those girls that there aren't any guys out there really isn't constructive).

Let this be the year that more rabbis and communal leaders stop screaming gevalt over the increasing numbers of unmarried older people and start doing something about it.

 

[Bunny77]

Like when my pastor said that the men are intimidated... which is a different message than "RR, YOU ARE INTIMIDATING", which could mean a range of things but it still puts the (negative) responsibility on me and it makes it seem like I'm this aggressive pit bull just beating up on the men when I know I'm not doing that.... Of course, I can learn to be more graceful, and to be more...how can I say, discreet, if you will.... But even if I were to do all that, an INTIMIDATED man would still be intimidated.... So what more or less could I do?

I've been told the same thing, and the problem is, I work in a very male dominated industry (sports), so I often have greater knowledge of football and basketball than many men! The thing is, I don't go around bragging about this and I'm a very feminine, "girly girl" type... I wear a lot of pink and am interested in hair care (surprise, surprise. ) and fashion and makeup, etc... but still, men who barely know me will make the intimidating judgment on superficial information. I honestly think that outside of a general self-evaluation, there's nothing more that we can do... EXCEPT for maybe focusing on a specific pool of men who wouldn't be intimidated... men who have it going on and are confident in themselves, etc. Yeah, easier said than done, but I noticed how much more interest I get when I go to events where every man is an engineer for Ford or GM or something.

And that there are SO MANY single (Black & educated) women who are so distressed and so not at peace because they believe (and we have been told implicitly and explicitly) that the reason(s) we are not married is because of deficiency in them/us.... And in some instances, we may have contributed to the situation on an individual level, but in the big picture, there are some systemic, societal issues that are DIRECTLY IMPACTING and DISTURBING...dare I say DESTROYING the formation of healthy, GODLY, marital relationships....

Yep, this is bigger than BW alone... there is a major crisis with men not stepping up to the plate to become husbands and leaders...

So maybe I am flowing right in His plan with regard to the perfect timing for me to be married. Of the men I have encountered in my adult life, I don't feel like any of them were "THE ONE". Sure, I could have tried to put something together but then that doesn't seem to be the best condition under which to be married.... I don't know if one of them could have been "THE ONE" and I messed it up? I don't know exactly.

I think the same way. I really haven't met anyone who would be "THE ONE" yet... and also, in my early 20s, I perhaps dated in ways that pushed me farther away from marriage (looking for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right), and perhaps kept me away from the types of men that God would have wanted for me. In that case, I might not have been "ready" (ha ha).

And sometimes the misery gets so overwhelming that I just want to end it so I can stop feeling the pain. That's how deep it is for me right now.

Hang on... we're praying for you!

 

[SEMO]

You're right. My sister-in-law was really the one saying I should ask the guy out. When I talked to my brother, in an earlier conversation, he was the one who pursued her and tried to figure out how to be around her (ex. he would visit her in her dorm room saying that he was just stopping by on his way to visit his best friend, who also lived there, but it later came out that he was just using that as an excuse to see her and he wouldn't even stop by his friend's room after they'd talked ).

I agree with you and your point of view, but I've had family members who've said I need to do some asking out.

My mom will say that to me sometimes and I look at her like, erplexed. So I ask if she approached my dad or if he approacher her. Then she's quiet. I also ask if she ever had to ask a man out, and she had a very active dating life.

She said that she didn't remember... but I know the answer is no. Then she said, "Well, it's a different time now and blah blah blah..."

My answer... "Well, obviously it's not working, or else 70% of black women wouldn't be single."

I also talk to my married friends in my age group -- many of whom are black women -- and ALL of them have said that their husbands made the first move and did the work to prove they were worthy. They won my friends over... and these men were in their mid-20s, so I don't want to hear that men are "shy" or don't know what to do and need to be asked out. No other woman is going to "snatch up" someone who isn't supposed to be snatched up... I truly believe this fear comes from all the hype we hear about the man shortage (which I also think is overblown, but that's another thread.)

The farthest I will go is giving a man my business card if we meet at a social event and tell him to give me a call sometime. If he doesn't, oh well, I'm not doing any more than that. And I still do this VERY rarely... it has to be an extreme circumstance for me to take this action.

Anyway, I'm rambling... keep going Lauren with your story!

P.S. SEMO, ask your brother and sister-in-law who approached whom the next time they bring that up... I bet your brother approached and pursued your sister-in-law, right?

 

[Sojournertruth]

I personally don't believe in this so called "gift of singleness". I think it is being promoted in black churches because of the lack of available single black Christian men. I can tell you they are not promoting this in predominately white churches.

 

[Bunny77]

I personally don't believe in this so called "gift of singleness". I think it is being promoted in black churches because of the lack of available single black Christian men. I can tell you they are not promoting this in predominately white churches.

Welcome! You bring up a very good point... I totally think there's a racial aspect to this, although some of the white/other women who've written about this say that they were exposed to this type of teaching in their churches. (Maken, Watters, etc.)

HOWEVER... I seem to meet so many black people PERIOD, whether they're in the church or not, who seem to accept this "gift of singleness" idea as the truth and nothing but the truth! And you do have to think it's because of the lack of promotion of marriage in our culture these days, and the lack of single black Christian men in our churches... yeah, it's sad, no doubt.

 

[Bunny77]

You're right. My sister-in-law was really the one saying I should ask the guy out. When I talked to my brother, in an earlier conversation, he was the one who pursued her and tried to figure out how to be around her (ex. he would visit her in her dorm room saying that he was just stopping by on his way to visit his best friend, who also lived there, but it later came out that he was just using that as an excuse to see her and he wouldn't even stop by his friend's room after they'd talked ).

I knew it! BTW, your brother sounds sweet. That's so cute how he pursued your SIL.

I wonder why women who are married/involved give single women advice that advises the complete opposite of what they did to be married...

 

[browneyedgirl]

Thank you so much for this thread. I was beginning to feel like I am all alone. Reading the posts has brought tears to my eyes. I do not accept this so called gift of singleness and this new year I am actively going to work towards changing it. You ladies have really helped me. Just being able to vent and get a couple of Amen's really helps. I haven't had a date in four years ( ok, one blind date). I am so frustrated. I am relocating to Los Angeles by sept of next year. This move is primarily for me to start life over. In order for me to date and do things of interest. I have to have someone I trust to watch my 4 year old son. In Cali I have my sisters and great big city to explore. I can't find a mate sitting at home every weekend. Boy, this is just what I needed.

 

[motherx2esq]

Thank you so much for this thread. I was beginning to feel like I am all alone. Reading the posts has brought tears to my eyes. I do not accept this so called gift of singleness and this new year I am actively going to work towards changing it. You ladies have really helped me. Just being able to vent and get a couple of Amen's really helps. I haven't had a date in four years ( ok, one blind date). I am so frustrated. I am relocating to Los Angeles by sept of next year. This move is primarily for me to start life over. In order for me to date and do things of interest. I have to have someone I trust to watch my 4 year old son. In Cali I have my sisters and great big city to explore. I can't find a mate sitting at home every weekend. Boy, this is just what I needed.

Amen to this and I wish you so many blessings in your big move. Your situation sounds like mine. I have not really had a date either since breaking up with my ex. I am too moving to another state soon to be closer to my parents (for my daughters sake) and also explore what it has to offer because Michigan is not poppin'. lol But God bless you and your son on your move!

 

[Southernbella.]

Where do you think I'm going with this, miss missy? (Smile!) I knew it was an issue with the age, and I agree. I think there are a lot of things I was able to do at my age that a more mature woman probably wouldn't need or wouldn't want to do.

Seriously, 22 was what I thought was the "ideal" age.... For me, at that age, I was in my senior year of college and so it would have been "ideal" for me to graduate in December and get married the summer of the next year.... To the church world, to go to college was nice, but it had better not interfere with getting married within the "ideal" age range....

Also, the group dating approach in the beginning takes the pressure off so that would have been ideal for me as well.... I suppose your experience would have been my "ideal"....

So for me now, double-digit years later I'm looking around now...looking at myself, looking at society, looking at church, looking at God like, well, I had an idea of what my "ideal" was supposed to look like...and so now I have to change it but I don't know what this "new" ideal is supposed to look like and it doesn't align with what the church has taught (and keeps teaching) the women....the church seems to ignore the changes in society and culture.... and the imbalance of marriageable Black men in the church today.... Sigh....

Not rambling at all! It's a beautiful story! Thank you, and I feel you. It seems bleak. All I can tell you is that your husband will be your ideal, and you will not have to compromise your standards one bit. I'm no prophetess or anything, so take this with a grain of salt , but I wouldn't be surprised if your husband came out of nowhere. Have you prepared yourself for the possibility that he may be a member of a different church than yours? From a different state?

I also think that singleness is a gift for those under, say, 24. At that age, you have work or school or travel or life or whatever without the responsibility of marriage and kids, and you're probably not even thinking about it. After that age, I think people begin to date seriously and think of the future. Society and the church have no business teaching grown folks with grown-up needs that being single is a gift.

 

[Southernbella.]

I knew it! BTW, your brother sounds sweet. That's so cute how he pursued your SIL.

I wonder why women who are married/involved give single women advice that advises the complete opposite of what they did to be married...

In my experience, it's guilt. I always felt funny about being the first of my friends to be married. I would listen to stories about the dating scene, and I would always play down my relationship. I found myself telling a girlfriend to go after a guy, even though I would have never done that myself, and I think it was because I wanted her to have someone. I don't do this anymore.

 

[Southernbella.]

Another question for you Lauren450 (thanks for being so patient with all the questions) how did your relationship work after you started dating/purposefully pusuing marrige with him? Did you go to premarital counseling or set up dates where you met and were evaluated by each other's family? I'm just curious as to how that went.

We did dinner and a movie and talked a lot about our expectations. Honestly, as well as my dh handled the courtship and "proposal", he sucked at the relationship at first.I had to...we had to groom each other a bit. There were a lot of kinks to be worked out. For example, I was still in "independent woman" mode. He had to become more sensitive. I had to start cooking. He had to learn to listen to my incessant debating (I've toned it down since). I think it was more meaningful dealing with this kind of relationship stuff when you know you are in it for the long haul because you have every reason to be invested and to learn and change for the other person.

We did meet and spend time with each other's families, and that was fun. My mom loved him, and his mom loved me. We went to church together, and once we got officially engaged, we started pre-marital counseling.

 

[Bunny77]

I also think that singleness is a gift for those under, say, 24. At that age, you have work or school or travel or life or whatever without the responsibility of marriage and kids, and you're probably not even thinking about it. After that age, I think people begin to date seriously and think of the future. Society and the church have no business teaching grown folks with grown-up needs that being single is a gift.

I'm with you on this. 24 and under and single? Great. I know that from 18-24 I had no business thinking about marriage. Now I know some other women are ready between 22-24 and that's fine too... but if you are single between those times, then by all means, enjoy your "free" life -- travel, study, work on your career, etc.

But also agree... there comes a time when many of us rightfully want to move into that next phase. For me it came when I moved from Florida and got a better job back in Michigan... taking that step made me feel that I was maturing mentally and wanted to start considering the next phase of my life, which included getting married and having children.

It's 2 1/2 years later, and I dare anyone to tell me to enjoy my single life and that it's a gift. I mean, what more am I supposed to be doing that I haven't done over the last 10 years being single? Seriously!

 

[Bunny77]

In my experience, it's guilt. I always felt funny about being the first of my friends to be married. I would listen to stories about the dating scene, and I would always play down my relationship. I found myself telling a girlfriend to go after a guy, even though I would have never done that myself, and I think it was because I wanted her to have someone. I don't do this anymore.

Thanks for that explanation. I never thought of it that way, but it makes sense.

Once again, your contributions to this thread are very much appreciated!

 

[browneyedgirl]

Amen to this and I wish you so many blessings in your big move. Your situation sounds like mine. I have not really had a date either since breaking up with my ex. I am too moving to another state soon to be closer to my parents (for my daughters sake) and also explore what it has to offer because Michigan is not poppin'. lol But God bless you and your son on your move!

Aww, thanks! I usually lurk around here but I've come to feel more comfortable about talking about what I'm going through. The ladies on this board are so encouraging and it's nice to know that I am not alone in my thoughts and situations. I wish you blessings too on your move. What state are you moving to?

 

[Bunny77]

Aww, thanks! I usually lurk around here but I've come to feel more comfortable about talking about what I'm going through. The ladies on this board are so encouraging and it's nice to know that I am not alone in my thoughts and situations. I wish you blessings too on your move. What state are you moving to?

Hey, I missed your earlier post! Welcome!

And Mother2... where are you going? You leaving us in Michigan already?

 

[janiebaby]

I'm with you on this. 24 and under and single? Great. I know that from 18-24 I had no business thinking about marriage. Now I know some other women are ready between 22-24 and that's fine too... but if you are single between those times, then by all means, enjoy your "free" life -- travel, study, work on your career, etc.

But also agree... there comes a time when many of us rightfully want to move into that next phase. For me it came when I moved from Florida and got a better job back in Michigan... taking that step made me feel that I was maturing mentally and wanted to start considering the next phase of my life, which included getting married and having children.

It's 2 1/2 years later, and I dare anyone to tell me to enjoy my single life and that it's a gift. I mean, what more am I supposed to be doing that I haven't done over the last 10 years being single? Seriously!

Hey Bunny! Happy belated birthday:birthday2

I hear what you're saying but at this point in my life and looking around me, I wouldn't encourage anyone to be single at any age. I can't wait to have children so I can encourage them to get married one day. I have been around so many mothers of sons who encourage them to play the field and not get involved with anyone

 

[motherx2esq]

Aww, thanks! I usually lurk around here but I've come to feel more comfortable about talking about what I'm going through. The ladies on this board are so encouraging and it's nice to know that I am not alone in my thoughts and situations. I wish you blessings too on your move. What state are you moving to?

You are so welcome. And I am happy that you feel comfortable enough to talk and share. I'm moving to Tennessee and I've prayed about this move for years. And thank you so much!

 

[motherx2esq]

Hey, I missed your earlier post! Welcome!

And Mother2... where are you going? You leaving us in Michigan already?

Already! lol I've been in Michigan 26 of my 29 years. lol I even stayed here to go to college. I gotta get out of here. Just time for a change.

 

[motherx2esq]

Hey Bunny! Happy belated birthday:birthday2

I hear what you're saying but at this point in my life and looking around me, I wouldn't encourage anyone to be single at any age. I can't wait to have children so I can encourage them to get married one day. I have been around so many mothers of sons who encourage them to play the field and not get involved with anyone

See that is just so sad.

 

[janiebaby]

See that is just so sad.

I guess parents really do it on both sides. I understand that they wouldn't want their child to be wrapped up in someone else but, in my opinion, they go about encouraging them in the wrong way. Hope this makes sense...