Pissed!!!My DD grandma snuck a relaxer in her hair!!!!

[Paradox]

To be honest I would furious(There will be some strict hair rules in my house( since I am technically obessesed with hair)..break them and there will be consequences.
I'm sorry I just had to say that.
Any mother would be upset, one mother on longhaircommunity was upset because her daugther went to a sleepover and came back with flat ironed hair and asked for a flat iron...If she was upset over a flat iron, a relaxer is even more serious so there is reason to be angry.
The problem is that relaxer is nothing to joke around with since it is a caustic chemical, and the grandmother had NO right to take such extreme measures...why not just a hard press/ or flat ironed hair. The daughter should have known how important this was to her mother. Teens don't have the ability the understand all the consequences.
She might regret it, she might not, I did get my hair tex-laxed when I was 17 however I am transitioning..so yeah. My mother did not like salons so I didn't go to my first one until I was 17 when I was ALLOWED, and because of that I was able to have thick hair. Mother knows.

 

[blasianbeauty]

I'm sorry to hear about this...I'd be pissed also!

 

[queen_t]

Sylver I wanted to add that even though I know you are extremely upset, please dont sit back and let her completely mess her hair up. You need time to yourself to calm down and get your bearings. Remember, she is 17 and still very immature. What concerns me most is not even the fact that the grandmother was so wrong but that your daughter has now formed, what she thinks is, an alliance with her grandmother so that she can get whatever she wants. Having a talk with the grandmother is not really important right now because she knew what she was doing before she did it, this is why she cut out before you could address her. The main thing is to reach your daughter. Reach out to her and let her know that any and all respect that you have for her is in jeopardy of being lost because of your lack of trust in her ability to make the right decision when you are not around. She needs to understand that even if she does not agree with a decision you made, she needs to come to you and discuss her feelings on the matter but going behind your back to get what she wants will not be tolerated. I mean what is next, she tells her grandmother that she wants to become sexually active and that the grandmother must purchase birth control for her because she will have sex with or without it. Come on now, lines need to be drawn but right now you really need your daughter to see how she hurt you and why she was so wrong and how it could damage the relationship between the two of you in the long run. Right now, she just feels your pissed about the hair but this is definitely not the case. It is MUCH deeper than that. I really hope you can reach her because the message that the grandmother is sending to your daughter can prove to be detrimental to your daughter in the end.

ITA with the bolded. She sounds like a good kid. I wouldn't shut her out, find out why she felt she needed to go behind your back to do this. Peer pressure is a mother, and it's around this time that boys start coming into the picture. This would be a great time for you and her to have a heart to heart, find out if there's anything else on her mind, be there and listen to her.

 

[jamaraa]

Disobedience is one thing, but remember there's a whole lifetime ahead. Let me tell you guys something, if my mother treated me in the manner some of you proposing and something bad happened to me....I'd NEVER speak to her again. Why? Hiding the hair products, refusing to give advices, etc (all things proposed) is vindictive. Just like a minor still under your roof should obey you, the minor is still your responsibility until they leave it. To allow her hair to fall out or whatever when you have the tools to do otherwise is neglectful and vengeful.

If you can't trust her for lying, exactly how is allowing harm to come to her trustworthy on your part?

Again, if my mother had done this to me, I'd never speak to her again for any reason.

 

[SunnyDelight]

Sylver2,

I don't think that your daughter could have lived with you for 17 years and not know how much your trusting her meant. From your warm-spirited post, I'll bet that your daughter is just as sweet and warm persona as you. When she was with her grandmother, she had a laspe of good, sound judgment and her grandmother took advantage of it.

Please please please don't let all your hard work go down the drain. Her natural hair is gone but I'm sure her permed hair is absolutely beautiful. Please teach her proper haircare. I know you say she is lazy but tell her that her hair is too important to you to see her ruin it. She will understand exactly how much work goes into proper care of permed hair.

Your anger is all in love and she will understand that.

 

[SunnyDelight]

Oh - one more thing -

Please tell me that she took DD to a salon or somewhere where she got a decent perm? How does her hair look to you?

 

[sylver2]

Oh - one more thing -

Please tell me that she took DD to a salon or somewhere where she got a decent perm? How does her hair look to you?

she did take her to salon, thank god. i refused to look at her hair and wont until i cool down. i don't want to say anything out of anger. her father said it looks good. he still doesn't see y i am upset. said she's just tired of her hair.

 

[truequeen06]

Disobedience is one thing, but remember there's a whole lifetime ahead. Let me tell you guys something, if my mother treated me in the manner some of you proposing and something bad happened to me....I'd NEVER speak to her again. Why? Hiding the hair products, refusing to give advices, etc (all things proposed) is vindictive. Just like a minor still under your roof, the minor is still your responsibility until they leave it. To allow her hair to fall out or whatever when you have the tools to do otherwise is neglectful and vengeful.

If you can't trust her for lying, exactly how is allowing harm to come to her trustworthy on your part?

Again, if my mother had done this to me, I'd never speak to her again for any reason.

I don't think its being vindictive. Parents can tell us teenagers somethings until they are blue in the face, but some lessons have to be learned the hard way. I know if my mom didn't let me find my own way and learn things the hard way, I wouldn't be where I am now. I mean look at the hair boards. A lot of us had to learn the hard way about our hair before we got here and look at all the beautiful heads of hair we have on the board.

 

[Paradox]

Disobedience is one thing, but remember there's a whole lifetime ahead. Let me tell you guys something, if my mother treated me in the manner some of you proposing and something bad happened to me....I'd NEVER speak to her again. Why? Hiding the hair products, refusing to give advices, etc (all things proposed) is vindictive. Just like a minor still under your roof should obey you, the minor is still your responsibility until they leave it. To allow her hair to fall out or whatever when you have the tools to do otherwise is neglectful and vengeful.

If you can't trust her for lying, exactly how is allowing harm to come to her trustworthy on your part?

Again, if my mother had done this to me, I'd never speak to her again for any reason.

I understand what you are saying totally, like when my grandmother kicked out my teenage aunt out in the street when she pregnant at 16(now years into the future grandma tries to rationalize it). I would had let my daugther stay, tell her the baby is a gift from God( don't want her treating the baby mean like a burden)..however life would just be different. There will be just life consequences from her actions, added responsibility. I will be of much help however I would not be the helicopter mother that takes all the responsibility from my daughter, if the baby starts screaming at night for food it will be her getting up to feed./comfort the baby, and

 

[Saida]

when it comes to children being disobidient to their parents, especially their mothers it really upsets me,

if you decided to punish her I dont think your being vendictive at all, YOU are her mother, and it dosent matter if it's a relaxer or anything else, if you tell her NOT to do it she must obey, I dont care. If you show weakness she will not learn, you must show her that what she did was hurtful and that if she goes behind your back she wont get anything good out of it. I don't know how your going to punish her, thats up to you.

but if it was my daugther I would be pissed too, of course not forever and I know your just upset for now. But I wouldnt let it pass by easy.

Yes worse things could had happend, but thats not what it's about, we are focusing on what did happend, and even though its a small thing to some dosent mean it should be ignored. What if she did get pregnant, then someone might say well at least she didnt kill someone.. so I dont really agree with that. If there are rules they must be obeyed.

disobeying your parents is very serious to me.

 

[sylver2]

when it comes to children being disobidient to their parents, especially their mothers it really upsets me,

if you decided to punish her I dont think your being vendictive at all, YOU are her mother, and it dosent matter if it's a relaxer or anything else, if you tell her NOT to do it she must obey, I dont care. If you show weakness she will not learn, you must show her that what she did was hurtful and that if she goes behind your back she wont get anything good out of it. I don't know how your going to punish her, thats up to you.

but if it was my daugther I would be pissed too, of course not forever and I know your just upset for now. But I wouldnt let it pass by easy.

Yes worse things could had happend, but thats not what it's about, we are focusing on what did happend, and even though its a small thing to some dosent mean it should be ignored. What if she did get pregnant, then someone might say well at least she didnt kill someone.. so I dont really agree with that. If there are rules they must be obeyed.

disobeying your parents is very serious to me.

thank you!! i also have a thing about children disobeying their parents. its not tolerated.
i will not punish her...She will get a stern talking..yelling at.. then talking to again..but she will be punished enough knowing that trust is gone now and she has to start earning that back.

 

[PuffyBrown]

Well one thing I can sure respect your patience. Had that been me growing up I'd been scurred to come in the howse....
Seriously, I can definately agree with you to let her "handle" it, since she knows errthing. Just have her back if and when stumbles because those stumbles are her building blocks to know whose really got her back, because life is tougher and rougher than she knows; it is YA MAMA whose got your back no matter what. Granny let her get a relaxer but Granny did not give her any products, or money to buy products to come home with to care for her hair. Point her in the direction of this forum and let her read this and learn how to manage her hair on her own. At 17 she surely can buy her own products and do it herself with advise from what she has learned here and you to reinforce it though example. Many young ladies are already doing this at the same age and younger. She had it made up to now. Thats the first lesson for her to learn over this. I think that you are right, I wouldn't tell her anything. My mama was the same exact way with me. I agree that disobedience is UNACCEPTABLE! Getting a parents "blessings", even if the parent disagrees is one thing, but to go completely behind your parent's back is deceptive, and tells your parents that you have no regard to what they say or think, and everybody but, your parents know what is best for you. She's lucky she's got a mom like you.

 

[Shana']

Sylver, I think you should have a moment inside of your feelings. After that come up with a game plan. Talk to your daughter and explain the severity of her actions. Perhaps show her the damage that can be caused by a relaxer. Then have her join the board so she can learn how to maintain relaxed hair. If she has questions, answer them but have her do the work. Good luck, I'm sure whatever you decide to do will be the right thing for you and your daughter.

 

[Prettyeyes]

She should be disciplined in some manner and ONE DAY SHE WILL COME TO YOU AND SAY SHE WISHED SHE HAD LISTENED (she's just immature). She can't see that if she hadn't have permed and had long natural hair she would have had the best of both worlds. But hindsights 20/20.

OH by the way I would MAKE her buy the proper hair products and stay on her to do all the right hair things it will be time consuming and you will say "Having healthy relaxed hair isn't easy go DC!"

 

[sylver2]

Well one thing I can sure respect your patience. Had that been me growing up I'd been scurred to come in the howse....
Seriously, I can definately agree with you to let her "handle" it, since she knows errthing. Just have her back if and when stumbles because those stumbles are her building blocks to know whose really got her back, because life is tougher and rougher than she knows; it is YA MAMA whose got your back no matter what. Granny let her get a relaxer but Granny did not give her any products, or money to buy products to come home with to care for her hair. Point her in the direction of this forum and let her read this and learn how to manage her hair on her own. At 17 she surely can buy her own products and do it herself with advise from what she has learned here and you to reinforce it though example. Many young ladies are already doing this at the same age and younger. She had it made up to now. Thats the first lesson for her to learn over this. I think that you are right, I wouldn't tell her anything. My mama was the same exact way with me. I agree that disobedience is UNACCEPTABLE! Getting a parents "blessings", even if the parent disagrees is one thing, but to go completely behind your parent's back is deceptive, and tells your parents that you have no regard to what they say or think, and everybody but, your parents know what is best for you. She's lucky she's got a mom like you.

oh she was scared..but she also had her fathers back she's sweatin like crazy in her room right now i know that.
plus shes not the usual 17 year old. shes a latebloomer like i was. looks 11 and acts it sometimes and even plays with 11 year olds.

 

[PuffyBrown]

So Eve really did bite the apple; and they always wonder how a mama "knows" ...the judge has made her decision....

oh she was scared..but she also had her fathers back she's sweatin like crazy in her room right now i know that.
plus shes not the usual 17 year old. shes a latebloomer like i was. looks 11 and acts it sometimes and even plays with 11 year olds.

 

[kblc06]

oh she was scared..but she also had her fathers back she's sweatin like crazy in her room right now i know that.
plus shes not the usual 17 year old. shes a latebloomer like i was. looks 11 and acts it sometimes and even plays with 11 year olds.

This is what I feared (from what you previously described)...you know your daughter best Sylver and seeing as that she went behind your back and did this, I can understand how you feel . Let her learn the consequences of her choices, but still be there to pick her up after falls down . (I still regret the day I asked for a relaxer and I'm currently natural trying to get back my tailbone length hair)

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

I really feel for you because of the sneakiness of the situation. It really doesn't matter what grandma or daughter wants, you as her MOTHER makes the decisions regardless of whether they agree or disagree. I agree with another post that said if she'd go behind your back and do something like this, how do you know if there will be other things that grandma tries to usurp your authority on. I try to tell my own mom when she complains to me about issues she has with the way my brother and sis in law are raising their kids that they are NOT HER KIDS so she will have to suck it up and stay out of it.

 

[VioletWylde]

I'm sorry you're going through this. People's actions never cease to surprise.

ITA that you shouldn't "just be thankful she isn't pregnant etc..." Yes people make mistakes, but that doesn't mean that you lower your standards for how you raised her.

As for her hair falling out, this thought makes me doubly sad for you. I know that a lot of people are saying 'don't LET her hair fall out'. Are you currently doing all of her haircare? I'm only asking because that's the only way to know for sure that it won't come out... Maybe I'm the only one thinking this way, but I know that a big concern for my mother would've been if she could help me with my hair at all. In your case 'letting' her hair fall out may not be the issue as much as whether or not you can save her from her own hair practices. When the anger fades, you might give her a push in the direction of proper care, but really that is all that you CAN do. She might refuse instruction.

I try to look at it from a nuetral perspective because it could once again come down to a battle of wills regarding haircare... Unless you are waking her up to comb it every morning and taking care of every detail of management, you kind of don't have a choice as to whether or not her hair does come out. I'm not saying that in any attempt to sound negative or spiteful, but if you think about it--it's kind of a sad realization if you know that her habits will lead to damage. Unless you're doing the bulk of her haircare there is no way to be certain that her hair will be ok.

I recall you mentioning that you didn't want her relaxed NOT because you were trying to force natural hair on her but because she wasn't ready. Taking care of one relaxed head can be enough. Taking care of her hair is going to have to fall to her to some degree. Afterall she will be combing and styling to go to school, protecting it and washing it right? She can't expect you to be up at all hours trying to make sure her hair looks flyy all of the time. If she made the decision to relax, then it is up to her follow through with healthy management. Some of that knowledge may come from you and some of it from trial and error, but if her hair habits don't improve then she will reap the consequences--no matter how much guidance you give. Provide her with as much advice as you feel appropriate, be it volumes or even none at all. She is probably going to need every gem that she can get from you. Hope for her sake that she does well and maybe come to rescue if she is doing something that will cause her to go bald in a few seconds flat...Otherwise it is really out of your hands.

 

[oooop2]

She is 17, let her take care of her own hair. She'll learn soon enough. However I would not be angry at grandma, your daughter wanted it.

I know you are angry at her but don't turn your back on her when she asks you about advice about taking care of relaxed hair. It's not the end of the world really, there are worse things she could be doing.

I totally agree w/ everything you stated.

 

[oooop2]

What's done is done, but she is your daughter. All this advice about letting her hair fall out and stuff just isn't on. Tho how she went about this wasn't good, neither is being angry enough to not help her take care of her hair.

Natural hair should be a choice, not imposed. Nor should you "punish" her by forcing her to lose her hair to make your point. Relaxed hair can be healthy and well groomed w/ the proper tools and knowledge. How many of y'all resent not having this knowledge? How much worse it it on have the knowledge and withhold it?

Frankly, many of the responses are petty and mean spirited. This is your daughter! If you
choose to not trust her over this and carry a grudge, you might permanently damage your relationship. Is natural hair worth the risk?[/quote]

What you posted is definitely on point. And this is coming from someone who has been natural for over 10yrs.

 

[Guapa1]

Aww I'm sorry Sylver. I do agree with the fact she needs to see consequences of her actions. The main two would be to just leave her to it, or drum every single routine into her so she can see it's not easy. The trust issue is a hard one. However remember that she wasn't alone. Your hubby and granny knew what was going on too. Everyone in the situation needs to be spoken to, and Mr Sylver can start picking up the bill of his DD's new do.

 

[audacity.]

OMG, Sylver! I am soooo sorry to hear that!

I would be pissed off to the highest point of piss-ivity, too!!!

Here is a hug for your girl!

Have you talked to DD? What did she say?

 

[SandySea]

Oh, that's awful on so many levels. What you need to do is give her that "I remember Mama"/"how could you betray my trust" speech. As a child, I was caught in a lie about something stupid. My mother poured out the guilt trip so thick that I still remember her closing line--"once you lose someone's trust, it's hard to earn it back." After you finish delivering your wrath, lay on the guilt trip. Also, make her follow some crazy hair care regimen-- MTG, wild growth oil, two french braids everyday for protective styling, etc.

 

[Keen]

Even though your grandma is wrong your daughter is more wrong. If that was me my mom would have punished me for going behind her back when I knew better

Yes, she is 17 years old. She is old enough to know what her mom will and not allow. I think not talking to her right now is a good tactic. I can only imagine how mad you are. If she wanted it that bad she should have talked to you about it.

 

[sylver2]

i wish people would understand it has nothing to do with me forcin her to have natural hair. not sure of the 1STAR rating????please explain that..
She is extremely lazy with her hair practices. I am always on her about her hair. if she can't even handle putting her scarf on before bed then she is certainly not ready for a chemical put in her hair. so what.if she is 16. The compromise was to let me see how well she handled her hair in 2008 and then we may.
She went behind my back, the trust was broken. I got angry and VENTED in this thread. of course im goin to say crazy stuff..of course i don't want her to lose her darn hair.. y would i be so angry... but i kno whn I calm down and approach her it will be different and with rational thoughts.
Thank you Ladies

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

i wish people would understand it has nothing to do with me forcin her to have natural hair. not sure of the 1STAR rating????please explain that..
She is extremely lazy with her hair practices. I am always on her about her hair. if she can't even handle putting her scarf on before bed then she is certainly not ready for a chemical put in her hair. so what.if she is 16. The compromise was to let me see how well she handled her hair in 2008 and then we may.
She went behind my back, the trust was broken. I got angry and VENTED in this thread. of course im goin to say crazy stuff... but i kno whn I calm down and approach her it will be different and with rational thoughts.
Thank you Ladies

I understand!! Even if you did want her to have natural hair, as a minor you are responsible for her....because you have her best interest at heart at all times!
Also, it seems like you had an arrangement with her and she decided to go against that. You have every right to be angry and to vent@! That's what we're here for.

 

[SunnyDelight]

i wish people would understand it has nothing to do with me forcin her to have natural hair. not sure of the 1STAR rating????please explain that..
She is extremely lazy with her hair practices. I am always on her about her hair. if she can't even handle putting her scarf on before bed then she is certainly not ready for a chemical put in her hair. so what.if she is 16. The compromise was to let me see how well she handled her hair in 2008 and then we may.
She went behind my back, the trust was broken. I got angry and VENTED in this thread. of course im goin to say crazy stuff..of course i don't want her to lose her darn hair.. y would i be so angry... but i kno whn I calm down and approach her it will be different and with rational thoughts.
Thank you Ladies

I can feel your love and your emotion - the trust has been broken - plain and simple. Its not about natural versus permed hair.

Having a DD myself, I know how important having a first perm experience is - when you felt the time was right that was something that you should have been allowed to decide, not grandma. Although it may sounds petty to some women, I see the shared experience between a mother taking her daughter for her first perm as something really special and grandmom just took that away from you.

YES SYLVER2, I totally understand where you are coming from.

 

[sylver2]

I can feel your love and your emotion - the trust has been broken - plain and simple. Its not about natural versus permed hair.

Having a DD myself, I know how important having a first perm experience is - when you felt the time was right that was something that you should have been allowed to decide, not grandma. Although it may sounds petty to some women, I see the shared experience between a mother taking her daughter for her first perm as something really special and grandmom just took that away from you.

YES SYLVER2, I totally understand where you are coming from.

OMG!! u just made me start crying..Thank you so much for understanding.

 

[clever]

I don't have anything important to add but I hope everything works out for the best!
Grandma needs a boppin' upside the head.