What if God says no?

[Bunny77]

Absolutely true! I know I will never be a perfect person. The reason I say this is b/c I am thinking God must not think I am ready since He hasn't sent him yet. (Or maybe he just isn't ready yet. )



Same as above. I figure if I were ready God would send him and he hasn't. It's all I have. Otherwise, I will think "hmm, must just be something wrong with me." I have thought that way too much. I need something to believe in.



Outside of the race issue, I know you're exaggerating with the two-decade-long process.... But what else can I do while I'm waiting? Since I have time to spare, may as well prepare so that I can be a better wife and mother, right?



You're probably right. But, the bible does talk about situations where the women are godly women and waiting for God to choose their mate. Not necessarily dwelling on it (or maybe we just don't see that in the accounts). I'm supposed to love God with all of my heart first and maybe I have been focusing more on finding a boyfriend than I have on getting to know God.

Hope that makes sense. Gotta do something with my time. Also, if I'm expecting to find a godly man, shouldn't I try to be a godly woman?



I am not just sitting around waiting to be perfect b/c I will never be perfect. But since I am single at this stage in my life, I should use my time to become a better person.

Sometimes I think, omg, I am so glad things did not work out with all of the losers I dated and that God protected me. I don't know why he hasn't ever sent me a good guy. If it were up to me, I'd be married by now - whether that would have been for the good or bad.

Well... the thing is, the idea of God sending a person a mate is not all that Biblical. Most marriages took place in the Bible because families worked with each other to ensure that their children married. Yes, God blessed these marriages, but they took place because human beings were working behind the scenes in behalf of young people to make sure that marriage happened.

So, what you and a lot of us are dealing with today is the fact that our culture doesn't do that. We take this "romanticized" notion of love and marriage and try to add a little God into it by saying that he brings people together and if you haven't found someone, it wasn't God's will.

Possibly... but we possibly got in the way with our own bad choices in men (which is something that we can work on), or we did nothing wrong and are just suffering from living in a time and a culture that doesn't encourage marriage?

In ethnic groups where marriage is expected and promoted, this discussion would not even be taking place because you and I would have been married over a decade ago and the idea that we weren't "ready" for marriage would have folks laughing all over town.

Until we get back to the days where we had people working in our behalf to help us enter Godly marriages, we will either be left on our own to try to make them happen ourselves or we'll cling to notions that God will "send" us these great men when we reach some super-duper magical special state of spiritual readiness. It's a good idea to find a network of Godly men and women who promote and encourage marriage that can mentor you in this process.

It's circular logic -- people say, "Well, I must be single because God wants this, or else I'd be married." No, there's a lot more to why you and a lot of other people (particularly black women) are single right now... and I think one step towards getting out of prolonged singleness is to stop seeing this as "Well, when I'm ready, God will send me a man."

That's never been how it's worked and too many black women are staying needlessly single because of these stifling beliefs being pushed in the church.

P.S.: What situations are you speaking of in the Bible where women are waiting for God to send them a mate?

P.P.S.: While you're single, you can definitely "prepare" for marriage by doing the things that you mention, but it definitely helps to actually be in the presence of some menfolk too...

 

[inthepink]

Bunny - Yes, I agree with on most of your points! You are right in that had this been a different time or even a different culture, we would be married.

I remember an Indian friend at a company I worked and pretty much when he decided he wanted to be married, all he had to do was go back to India and see what women his family had picked out for him. I envied him for that - to some degree b/c I wouldn't trust my own parents to find me a mate! (Love my parents btw!)

I certainly have no intentions of "hiding" from men. I want to be in the presence of godly men and I hope to do that by getting more involved in church and maybe considering online dating again.

The bible doesn't necessarily say these women "waited" but it doesn't show them "looking" either. Speaking specifically of Ruth and Boaz. And not that there is anything so wrong with looking but I do agree with some of the books I have read that this "looking for a mate" should not take over my life.

And yep, I am sure God may have sent me a decent guy (yes, A decent guy) but I was too busy with a guy who treated me like gum off the bottom of his shoe. I just always pray that He'll give me another chance - that there is someone else out there.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny - Yes, I agree with on most of your points! You are right in that had this been a different time or even a different culture, we would be married.

I remember an Indian friend at a company I worked and pretty much when he decided he wanted to be married, all he had to do was go back to India and see what women his family had picked out for him. I envied him for that - to some degree b/c I wouldn't trust my own parents to find me a mate! (Love my parents btw!)

I certainly have no intentions of "hiding" from men. I want to be in the presence of godly men and I hope to do that by getting more involved in church and maybe considering online dating again.

The bible doesn't necessarily say these women "waited" but it doesn't show them "looking" either. Speaking specifically of Ruth and Boaz. And not that there is anything so wrong with looking but I do agree with some of the books I have read that this "looking for a mate" should not take over my life.

And yep, I am sure God may have sent me a decent guy (yes, A decent guy) but I was too busy with a guy who treated me like gum off the bottom of his shoe. I just always pray that He'll give me another chance - that there is someone else out there.

Hey, I agree with you about not "looking" for men in that sense. That's definitely not what I advise... but I don't know, whenever someone speaks of being proactive about getting married, I notice that a lot of people in church think that you are on a manhunt or something.

I'm definitely pursuing marriage, but it doesn't mean that I'm out looking for men. Since I'm not going to have anyone arrange a marriage for me -- although I envy some folks like your friend who know that they have a built-in network of people working for them -- I'm doing the makeshift approach of building a Godly network of people who are working in my behalf... I like what you're doing as wel.

And yes, we can hurt ourselves in the process by occupying ourselves with the wrong men while good men are passing us by. I always say that part of the process too in being marriage-minded is breaking old soul ties and avoiding getting involved with the wrong men who will take us off our path.

So, I'm definitely not advocating pursuing men... and I'm glad that you won't go into hiding either!

I just want women who desire marriage to recognize that the desire is of God and is a good desire. It shouldn't be surpressed, denied or underplayed. Rejoice in your God-given desire and ask Him to fulfill it in your life.

 

[Bunny77]

Forgot to add: Let's not forget that in the Ruth/Boaz story, Ruth had her mother-in-law, Naomi, guiding her in the process of her interaction with Boaz.

Ruth wasn't just some woman just out there randomly and Boaz wasn't some random dude who happened to see her and go, "Wow." Boaz was kinsman redeemer, and Naomi directed Ruth how to proceed after that.

So even in that story, there was someone helping Ruth into a Godly marriage with a Godly man. Boaz was not just "sent" to Ruth while she was "waiting" -- there was more to it than that.

 

[Casarela]

Hi Hairlove,

Just thought I could share... I Put my trust into him ...sometimes not that its hard to do..its just/more a lack of patience. Seek God as a priority and he will assist you. When I let worries and fear take over my emotions and myself in any situations in life, I always end up in a sad situation because I took the wrong decision AND at the wrong time. Un temps pour chaque chose... = There is a specific time for each thing.

Keep up be patient!

I am still praying on it but I worry the answer might be no. I've never gotten an indication my entire life that I would marry or have love from a man. It makes me really sad but I'm trying to think that the future isn't necessarily predicted by the past. I just want to know that if it's "no" I'll still be ok.

 

[Raspberry]

So, I have to trust that God will give me the desires of my heart. and I just have to believe. Even though I've never had a clue. Ok, I know you are right - I will try.

It's ok, we all go through this in many areas of our life if we seek to please God (without faith, no one can please God). Faith is not about feelings, so the fact at you have never sensed or felt anything regarding a husband is irrelevant to whatever destiny God may have for you. In fact, exercising faith regardless of present circumstance or how we feel on a given day is the primary test Christians face on the path to abundance in any area.

The bible is full of testimonies of people who believed God and acted on His promises or walked in righteousness though the victory may not have manifested itself for decades in some cases. Hebrews 11 is a glorious recount of many of these champions of faith. Shooot I'm about to read that chapter right now, my whiney behind sure needs it today lol.

I believe with all my heart that God is more interested in our journeys then our destinations - while we tend to fixate on the careers, people, lifestyles, etc at the end of the rainbow. He wants us to learn to embrace his love and walk in joy Today, to hear His voice Today, to transfer His love to someone else Today. While we like to think that our purpose in life is to be happy as defined by external indicators, our ultimate purpose life is really to grow in the intimate knowledge of Him through the power of His love, truth of the Word, and the revelation of His spirit. This is the key to contement at any state of life.

The more I seek the Lord, the stronger the desire for those still waters grows - and even though my soul and flesh desire a mate at times, the desire for the intimate knowledge of God transcends and I am content to know that my desires (and that for a mate is just one of many) will be fulfilled in perfect timing.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Off topic (but had to share):

I came across some Christian dating site while surfing. The site said do a quick match now. I thought what the heck bring on the loser fest . So I put in my qualifications for the kind of men I'd like. I have standards but I'd like to think I'm pretty opened minded (to be 23 anyway). I put the basics:

27 to 30
African American or White
College Educated
No Children
Single - Never Married
Atheltic, Slender, or Large but Muscular
Dont Smoke
Rarely or Occasionally Drink
Lives within 25 miles of me

I think that was it....Am I unrealistic?

Do you know I got ONE return back? ONE!

I was surprised for a dating site. And the funniest part was he was white and fit my requirements 100%. I've had a feeling for a while that I'd marry a white man. I love black man and would love to marry one someday. But its funny my qualifications sent me straight to ONE white male. What are the odds?!?!?

 

[Casarela]

oh oh is someone being anxious?...just kiddin

Off topic (but had to share):

I came across some Christian dating site while surfing. The site said do a quick match now. I thought what the heck bring on the loser fest . So I put in my qualifications for the kind of men I'd like. I have standards but I'd like to think I'm pretty opened minded (to be 23 anyway). I put the basics:

27 to 30
African American or White
College Educated
No Children
Single - Never Married
Atheltic, Slender, or Large but Muscular
Dont Smoke
Rarely or Occasionally Drink
Lives within 25 miles of me

I think that was it....Am I unrealistic?

Do you know I got ONE return back? ONE!

I was surprised for a dating site. And the funniest part was he was white and fit my requirements 100%. I've had a feeling for a while that I'd marry a white man. I love black man and would love to marry one someday. But its funny my qualifications sent me straight to ONE white male. What are the odds?!?!?

 

[inthepink]

Yes, we are on the same page on all of this!! I am also wanting to build a godly network. I have a few Christian friends in other states but unfortunately, not many here. So, that's something that I hope improves and gives me more exposure to godly men.

I actually submitted to admitting I wanted marriage a few years ago. I am not ashamed at all!!

Hey, I agree with you about not "looking" for men in that sense. That's definitely not what I advise... but I don't know, whenever someone speaks of being proactive about getting married, I notice that a lot of people in church think that you are on a manhunt or something.

I'm definitely pursuing marriage, but it doesn't mean that I'm out looking for men. Since I'm not going to have anyone arrange a marriage for me -- although I envy some folks like your friend who know that they have a built-in network of people working for them -- I'm doing the makeshift approach of building a Godly network of people who are working in my behalf... I like what you're doing as wel.

And yes, we can hurt ourselves in the process by occupying ourselves with the wrong men while good men are passing us by. I always say that part of the process too in being marriage-minded is breaking old soul ties and avoiding getting involved with the wrong men who will take us off our path.

So, I'm definitely not advocating pursuing men... and I'm glad that you won't go into hiding either!

I just want women who desire marriage to recognize that the desire is of God and is a good desire. It shouldn't be surpressed, denied or underplayed. Rejoice in your God-given desire and ask Him to fulfill it in your life.

 

[inthepink]

Yep....I have read and studied the book the Ruth before and have also been reminded of it in many Christian dating/marriage/single books.

Well, I'd say that the bible doesn't use the word "waiting" so we really don't know what Ruth's desire was as far as finding love again. However, the books I've read have described it as "waiting" as a comparison.

I consider myself to be a lady in "waiting." Waiting being equivalent to "a period of time before my husband and I meet." Not necessarily - sitting at home "waiting" for the doorbell to ring.

As far as "sent" - I do believe God sent Boaz to Ruth. God works on the "sent" part. However He may do it - working through a family member/non-family member. I still consider it to be "sent."

Maybe we just have a difference terminology.

Forgot to add: Let's not forget that in the Ruth/Boaz story, Ruth had her mother-in-law, Naomi, guiding her in the process of her interaction with Boaz.

Ruth wasn't just some woman just out there randomly and Boaz wasn't some random dude who happened to see her and go, "Wow." Boaz was kinsman redeemer, and Naomi directed Ruth how to proceed after that.

So even in that story, there was someone helping Ruth into a Godly marriage with a Godly man. Boaz was not just "sent" to Ruth while she was "waiting" -- there was more to it than that.

 

[inthepink]

First of all, I cannot believe that you are only 23 years old!!! I am simply jealous of your godliness at that age!! I'm 36.

Secondly, what I'm looking for is pretty much the same - except the age range. I don't think it's unreasonable. I would consider someone divorced though. (And of course, Christian, outside of the quick match quals!)

Off topic (but had to share):


27 to 30
African American or White
College Educated
No Children
Single - Never Married
Atheltic, Slender, or Large but Muscular
Dont Smoke
Rarely or Occasionally Drink
Lives within 25 miles of me

 

[BeautifulFlower]

LOL! No. I've done the online thing before years ago. One become a 4.5 year relationship. I have a bitter taste for online men. I was just playing around. I dont think I want to get involved right now because I dont think I've given God enough alone time with me yet.

oh oh is someone being anxious?...just kiddin

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Thanks! But I never take credit for who I've become. Its truly the God in me. I think my spiritual gift is knowledge because I swear I can recall stuff from the bible and say stuff that I know doesnt come from me. Im taking a class soon to see if I am right or completely left field.

You're 36. Wow, you sure dont look it from your hair . It looks so young and fresh, you look so slender.

If Im not married at 30 I'd consider children and divorced men but I am too young for that kind of situation in my life.

First of all, I cannot believe that you are only 23 years old!!! I am simply jealous of your godliness at that age!! I'm 36.

Secondly, what I'm looking for is pretty much the same - except the age range. I don't think it's unreasonable. I would consider someone divorced though. (And of course, Christian, outside of the quick match quals!)

 

[cheetarah1980]

Disclaimer: Not directed to any one just something I wanted to share.

We ought not to make marriage our idol. That we lust and covet after it as though it is the source of some happiness that we will never know unless we find a mate. I hear alot of the "woo is me" from women (not directed on here, I hear it in church too) as if marriage is some secret club and only the participants get this true sense of completion. It is true, if you are unhappy before marriage you will be unhappy and probably completely depressed after marriage once you realize your mate will not make you suddenly oh so satisfied.

You find that ONLY in Jesus. You find content ONLY in Jesus. You find joy, peace, love ONLY in Jesus.

Your mate serves his purpose but make sure there are parts of you reserve only for the Lord.

I love you all.

We have to remember what the greatest commands are. Yes, we are to love the LORD our God with all of our heart, soul, and mind. However, we are also to love our NEIGHBOR as well. These two commands mirror each other. See how one is in relation to God and the other is in relation to people. Man came from the earth and was meant to dwell on the earth. If God wanted us to focus solely on Him, there wouldn't be two great commands. God wanted our love Him to be reflected in our love for others because he wanted to us man to help fulfill one another's needs. Sometimes I think as single women we're taught that we have to get to the point where God is all we need before we can share our lives with another. God was NEVER meant to be our husbands, so we shouldn't feel as though wanting a husband is a fleshy desire. God created man and woman for one another in marriage.
I think there is a sense of completion in marriage. Not that you need marriage for contentment, but that it's a natural part of the life cycle that God designed. I refuse to even imagine a life without marriage because for me that would mean I missed a huge part of God's plan for mankind as a whole. I think it's okay to admit that and it's not something that we have to let go of in order to receive.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I agree. However...

Many single women believe that they can not be truly happy without a husband. Thats a lie. You can be very happy and joyous in your singleness season. And when you get married, you dont depend on your husband to be entertained, have fun, talk to you about everything. He wont feel pressured to entertain you 24-7. Get a network of girlfriends, take vacations, join ministry, start a ministry, move to another state, meet and greet, and make life fun for you. Mr. right may be watching you now. You dont want him to see you wailing and sapping about where all the men at?

We were created for community but your desire for community can not be place above God. Then it becomes idol worship. People forget that He's a jealous God and will not have you place anything or anyone above him. A desire to marry is godly. There's nothing fleshly about it.

My point was that you can be a whole, complete person without a husband. Marriage is not for everyone either so completion with a mate is not a requirement God has to fulfill in everyone's life. Marriage I am sure is a wonderful instituation created by God but I've never heard a godly woman say marriage gave her true sense of satisfaction in who they are as a person. You get that from God.

We have to remember what the greatest commands are. Yes, we are to love the LORD our God with all of our heart, soul, and mind. However, we are also to love our NEIGHBOR as well. These two commands mirror each other. See how one is in relation to God and the other is in relation to people. Man came from the earth and was meant to dwell on the earth. If God wanted us to focus solely on Him, there wouldn't be two great commands. God wanted our love Him to be reflected in our love for others because he wanted to us man to help fulfill one another's needs. Sometimes I think as single women we're taught that we have to get to the point where God is all we need before we can share our lives with another. God was NEVER meant to be our husbands, so we shouldn't feel as though wanting a husband is a fleshy desire. God created man and woman for one another in marriage.
I think there is a sense of completion in marriage. Not that you need marriage for contentment, but that it's a natural part of the life cycle that God designed. I refuse to even imagine a life without marriage because for me that would mean I missed a huge part of God's plan for mankind as a whole. I think it's okay to admit that and it's not something that we have to let go of in order to receive.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Until we get back to the days where we had people working in our behalf to help us enter Godly marriages, we will either be left on our own to try to make them happen ourselves or we'll cling to notions that God will "send" us these great men when we reach some super-duper magical special state of spiritual readiness. It's a good idea to find a network of Godly men and women who promote and encourage marriage that can mentor you in this process.

I was thinking about this all last night. Thank you for posting this. I am going to share this in my community group at church on Friday. This is the reason other races dont talk about not getting married...They are always on the look out for their friends and children, setting up blind dates, arranging opportunities to meet and greet.

I see the common thread in the story of Ruth and Esther. Ruth had Naomi and Esther had Mordecai.

I been wanting to start a ministry for marriage preparation. I think you gave a new twist to add to it. Thank!

 

[cheetarah1980]

I agree. However...

Many single women believe that they can not be truly happy without a husband. Thats a lie. You can be very happy and joyous in your singleness season. And when you get married, you dont depend on your husband to be entertained, have fun, talk to you about everything. He wont feel pressured to entertain you 24-7. Get a network of girlfriends, take vacations, join ministry, meet and greet, and make life fun for you. Mr. right may be watching you now. You dont want him to see you wailing and sapping about where all the men at?

We were created for community but your desire for community can not be place above God. Then it becomes idol worship. People forget that He's a jealous God and will not have you place anything or anyone above him. A desire to marry is godly. There's nothing fleshly about it.

My point was that you can be a whole, complete person without a husband. Marriage is not for everyone either so completion with a mate is not a requirement God has to fulfill in everyone's life. Marriage I am sure is a wonderful instituation created by God but I've never heard a godly woman say marriage gave her true sense of satisfaction in who they are as a person. You get that from God.

Okay, I get what you're saying. It's like saying, "I'll be happy when..." I agree, no one else can MAKE you happy. And I do agree that some women want a husband to be the source of their happiness or to complete them. And that's where issues arise. While I agree that marriage isn't for everyone, people KNOW when it's not for them. Circumstance does not equate to a calling. Just because someone isn't married, doesn't mean that marriage isn't for them. When you're meant to be single you KNOW. There aren't many people like this, so I think as a general rule marriage is meant for most.
I honestly don't see the majority of women placing the desire for a mate above their desire for God. I think their desire for God drives that desire for a mate. Did you read the link that Bunny posted? I have to agree that the idea that the desire for marriage can too quickly become an idol is a blown out of proportion.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Completely true. I also dont focus on the non-marriage stats. At least 90% of all single folks marry.

If your going about dating or courting the righteous way, then you're fine. But you'll be surpised (especially in the church), of women that will do whatever it takes to get a huband (sex, inappropriate dress, flirting with married men or man getting a divorce, etc). Its idol worship. You're telling God, I dont trust that you can make someone available (single, godly, ready to settle down) for me. I dont advocate going into hiding to be noticed. You have to get out there (meet-and-greet and look cute at all times) but you cant put yourself out there.

I do know married couples that have sex before marriage but I also hear the complaints of lack of self-control after marriage. I dont want that for myself or anyone else.

Okay, I get what you're saying. It's like saying, "I'll be happy when..." I agree, no one else can MAKE you happy. And I do agree that some women want a husband to be the source of their happiness or to complete them. And that's where issues arise. While I agree that marriage isn't for everyone, people KNOW when it's not for them. Circumstance does not equate to a calling. Just because someone isn't married, doesn't mean that marriage isn't for them. When you're meant to be single you KNOW. There aren't many people like this, so I think as a general rule marriage is meant for most.
I honestly don't see the majority of women placing the desire for a mate above their desire for God. I think their desire for God drives that desire for a mate. Did you read the link that Bunny posted? I have to agree that the idea that the desire for marriage can too quickly become an idol is a blown out of proportion.

 

[Bunny77]

Yep....I have read and studied the book the Ruth before and have also been reminded of it in many Christian dating/marriage/single books.

Well, I'd say that the bible doesn't use the word "waiting" so we really don't know what Ruth's desire was as far as finding love again. However, the books I've read have described it as "waiting" as a comparison.

I consider myself to be a lady in "waiting." Waiting being equivalent to "a period of time before my husband and I meet." Not necessarily - sitting at home "waiting" for the doorbell to ring.

As far as "sent" - I do believe God sent Boaz to Ruth. God works on the "sent" part. However He may do it - working through a family member/non-family member. I still consider it to be "sent."

Maybe we just have a difference terminology.

Hey again! Sometimes when I talk, I'm not totally directing things at the person I'm responding to and just start speaking in about my general experiences... I definitely wasn't trying to imply that you didn't know the Ruth story! I was just thinking of how various people I encounter will take so many different things from it... and I think that the one thing that is overlooked the most from that story is how their pairing was not some cupid-like love story with God playing the matchmaker role of bringing two random folks together. There was involvement from others.... so anyway, I was kind of addressing that more to posters in the thread in general, not you specifically. I'd never assume you didn't know your stuff!

(Plus, I remember a while back someone saying that God doesn't need human help to bring people their mates, and I was thinking, "Uh, God is not a matchmaker," and most marriages through history have been the work of people bringing other people together. Of course we know that God is always involved in all of this, but the modern thinking pushed in some churches that makes God seem like a cupid is actually rather dangerous and not Biblical!)

Oh, and my comment earlier about two decades of preparation was kinda tongue-in-cheek. I was thinking that if you lived in ancient times, you probably would have been married at 16 and maybe had a baby by that time too! Now I'm glad we don't have to get hitched and settled that quickly... but my semi-joke was that you've had two decades of preparation because women were historically considered "ready" to be wives and mothers at age 16, if not earlier, so at 36, you are beyond ready, girl!

And I get ya on your definitions of waiting and sent. I guess I'm just kinda weary of the way I often hear it used, so I kinda react to those terms pretty quickly when I see them.

Have a great day!

 

[Bunny77]

I was thinking about this all last night. Thank you for posting this. I am going to share this in my community group at church on Friday. This is the reason other races dont talk about not getting married...They are always on the look out for their friends and children, setting up blind dates, arranging opportunities to meet and greet.

I see the common thread in the story of Ruth and Esther. Ruth had Naomi and Esther had Mordecai.

I been wanting to start a ministry for marriage preparation. I think you gave a new twist to add to it. Thank!

I'm glad that you're going to bring that up!

I think that black churches are overthinking this marriage thing, for the most part. To me, staying married is the hard part, lol... but we're making getting married into this Indiana Jones-type quest with all of these things that we have to do (alone) and going around in circles and folks still aren't getting married.

Meanwhile, I look at other communities (including black African ones) and women can just say to someone, "I want to marry," and they will have a husband in little to no time.

What's the difference? Communities that see marriage as an expected part of maturity and adulthood. Men are also on board with this, and the idea of still hanging out and partying at a certain age is looked down on. Parents are also actively involved with the process.

As I've mentioned in some threads in other parts of this forum, the only people who ever say to me, "What if you never get married?" are black people. My white/Asian/other friends might ask me if I want to get married or if I see myself married, but they NEVER ask me to consider how I'd live if I never got married. When I say that I do want and plan to be married, they accept that as a legitimate answer and move on.

Why? Probably because they see that as a normal expectation to have, and something that more than likely, is something that will happen for me. When marriage is an expectation for you, then you don't ask yourself what will happen if you don't marry.

To me, it's as simple as this... people that expect marriage marry. People that don't expect marriage and spend time wondering if they'll get married don't marry at the same rates. God isn't doling out marriages to one group and denying them for another!

Glad you mentioned Esther and Mordecai too! I was thinking about them last night... Mordecai was the force behind Esther entering the beauty contest -- then she had to enter -- so you have a case of family assistance and some proactiveness as well. She didn't go looking for a husband, but she put herself in a position to be found!

 

[cheetarah1980]

Completely true. I also dont focus on the non-marriage stats. At least 90% of all single folks marry.

If your going about dating or courting the righteous way, then you're fine. But you'll be surpised (especially in the church), of women that will do whatever it takes to get a huband (sex, inappropriate dress, flirting with married men or man getting a divorce, etc). Its idol worship. You're telling God, I dont trust that you can make someone available (single, godly, ready to settle down) for me. I dont advocate going into hiding to be noticed. You have to get out there (meet-and-greet and look cute at all times) but you cant put yourself out there.

I do know married couples that have sex before marriage but I also hear the complaints of lack of self-control after marriage. I dont want that for myself or anyone else.

I think the church needs to do a better job of distinguishing what constitutes idol worship. The behaviors you've listed definitely fall into the category of marriage by any means necessary. It's not Godly at all!! But I think we've fallen into the trap of believing ANY pursuit of marriage is ungodly and that's where I think the problem lies.
Women are CONSTANTLY told to focus on their relationship with God, to serve, to maximize being single. Rarely are we told how to forge successful relationships with men. We're never taught how to communicate and relate to men and that's often the part where many single women are stuck. It's not that we're not ready spiritually. It's like we're so heavenly minded we're of no earthly good .

 

[Bunny77]

While I agree that marriage isn't for everyone, people KNOW when it's not for them. Circumstance does not equate to a calling. Just because someone isn't married, doesn't mean that marriage isn't for them. When you're meant to be single you KNOW. There aren't many people like this, so I think as a general rule marriage is meant for most.
I honestly don't see the majority of women placing the desire for a mate above their desire for God. I think their desire for God drives that desire for a mate. Did you read the link that Bunny posted? I have to agree that the idea that the desire for marriage can too quickly become an idol is a blown out of proportion.

YES! I agree 100%!

I've never understood the idea of people thinking, "Well, maybe God is telling me that I'm not meant to be married since all of my relationships fail and I'm still single." Circumstance definitely does NOT equal a calling... there are many reasons that one could be single... oh, and I find it interesting when people say the above after years of dating Pookie and Ray Ray and then when those relationships don't work, they go, "Maybe God called me to be single."

Actually, maybe God is just telling you not to be with Pookie and Ray Ray!

I also don't see most women who desire a mate placing that desire above their love for God. Like you said in an earlier post, the desire for a mate and a desire to seek the Lord come from two different places... God created marriage on Earth to replicate the marriage we will have with Him in heaven... and since many of us are staying single longer than God intended, I think it's expected for us to start having those longings for marriage and a mate to the degree that we do... that doesn't mean we're idolizing marriage... we're crying out to fill a void that God created for another person to fill!

Completely true. I also dont focus on the non-marriage stats. At least 90% of all single folks marry.

If your going about dating or courting the righteous way, then you're fine. But you'll be surpised (especially in the church), of women that will do whatever it takes to get a huband (sex, inappropriate dress, flirting with married men or man getting a divorce, etc). Its idol worship. You're telling God, I dont trust that you can make someone available (single, godly, ready to settle down) for me. I dont advocate going into hiding to be noticed. You have to get out there (meet-and-greet and look cute at all times) but you cant put yourself out there.

I agree with this. I could say that this behavior would be crossing into the idolatry of marriage realm and thinking that a man is the ONLY thing that can make you happy. Which as we know, is not true.

I think the link that I posted did a good job of looking at what is really considered making marriage into an idol and what is a response to having a legitimate God-given desire for marriage.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Another off topic moment: ffrant:

Have you heard this story before..."God told me he's gonna be my husband!" ? Only to find out that he marries someone else.

I heard it from several different women and see them so hurt when they find its not them.

Its annoying to me. I wanna yell..."God aint tell you nothing." But I cant. You gaining soul ties with men you dont even know that well, or arent in a relationship with at all. Stop jumping the gun.

Only way you'll know if he's your husband is if he proposes marriage. Other than that, you just like him alot.

 

[Bunny77]

Another off topic moment: ffrant:

Have you heard this story before..."God told me he's gonna be my husband!" ? Only to find out that he marries someone else.

I heard it from several different women and see them so hurt when they find its not them.

Its annoying to me. I wanna yell..."God aint tell you nothing." But I cant. You gaining soul ties with men you dont even know that well, or arent in a relationship with at all. Stop jumping the gun.

Only way you'll know if he's your husband is if he proposes marriage. Other than that, you just like him alot.

Ooh, that bothers me too! I agree with you 100%!

I never assume anything when I meet a man, let alone say that God told me that's my husband! I might pray and ask for guidance when I'm approached by someone who seems marriage-minded, and I follow God's instructions, but He's never said, "Bunny, that's your husband, go for it!"

And even if He did say that, it doesn't mean I need to go and start acting like I'm his wife (ya know, the excuse some folks will give for becoming intimate --"Well, we're going to marry anyway.")!

Madness, I tell ya!

 

[inthepink]

LOL! No. I've done the online thing before years ago. One become a 4.5 year relationship. I have a bitter taste for online men. I was just playing around. I dont think I want to get involved right now because I dont think I've given God enough alone time with me yet.

I'm with you on that. But wow - a 4.5 year relationship from online? I've only gotten a bunch of crappy dates!

But yes, I'm quite tired of it. Been doing it since...let's see 2000 off and on (more on than off) and I'm just sooooo tired and bored of it. I need a break and need to put myself in situations where there are other Christian men. Man, what's THAT like??

 

[BeautifulFlower]

And if God did say that you to keep it to yourself before you look like an idiot in front of everyone!

Ooh, that bothers me too! I agree with you 100%!

I never assume anything when I meet a man, let alone say that God told me that's my husband! I might pray and ask for guidance when I'm approached by someone who seems marriage-minded, and I follow God's instructions, but He's never said, "Bunny, that's your husband, go for it!"

And even if He did say that, it doesn't mean I need to go and start acting like I'm his wife (ya know, the excuse some folks will give for becoming intimate --"Well, we're going to marry anyway.")!

Madness, I tell ya!

LOL at bolded. If I had a nickel...

 

[inthepink]

Thanks! But I never take credit for who I've become. Its truly the God in me. I think my spiritual gift is knowledge because I swear I can recall stuff from the bible and say stuff that I know doesnt come from me. Im taking a class soon to see if I am right or completely left field.

You're 36. Wow, you sure dont look it from your hair . It looks so young and fresh, you look so slender.

If Im not married at 30 I'd consider children and divorced men but I am too young for that kind of situation in my life.

Girl, me too!!! I don't care what anyone says - I am not ready for the instant parenthood thing and not to mention the exes. Just not quite there. Will consider a divorcee' but that's it at this point.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I'm with you on that. But wow - a 4.5 year relationship from online? I've only gotten a bunch of crappy dates!

But yes, I'm quite tired of it. Been doing it since...let's see 2000 off and on (more on than off) and I'm just sooooo tired and bored of it. I need a break and need to put myself in situations where there are other Christian men. Man, what's THAT like??

I got my crappies too. However, if I had standard than like I do now he would have never made the cut. I think he was just different and I spent 4.5 years trying to figure him out (helped that he was fine and had a nice body ). I'll never be a sucker for a pretty face again because he has issues. Major issues.

Being around christian men is so enlightening. Esspecially if they used to be dogs. They can tell you some things about yourself that regular men probably wont tell you. (Stop acting desperate, have godly standards, dont have sex at all, godly men want virtuous women, dont dress like that, your boyfriend just wants to hit, etc...)

 

[inthepink]

I was thinking about this all last night. Thank you for posting this. I am going to share this in my community group at church on Friday. This is the reason other races dont talk about not getting married...They are always on the look out for their friends and children, setting up blind dates, arranging opportunities to meet and greet.

This just reminded me of something...

When I lived in another state, the state where I became a Christian, I had some wonderful godly women in my life and believe that we looked out for each other.

We even through a "singles" party - know a single, bring a single - sort of thing. My one girlfriend officially met her now husband there! This was just two years ago!! This guy was a lifelong friend of the family of our other friend!

My other friend (not yet married but helped plan the party also) has wonderful Christian parents who I got to spend a lot of time with. Her parents looked out for me! I remember once they told my friend about a guy they met in another state and thought he might be a good match for me. That didn't work out but just the fact that they did this was cool. I really wish I had more Christian friends where I live now.

 

[inthepink]

Hey again! Sometimes when I talk, I'm not totally directing things at the person I'm responding to and just start speaking in about my general experiences... I definitely wasn't trying to imply that you didn't know the Ruth story! I was just thinking of how various people I encounter will take so many different things from it... and I think that the one thing that is overlooked the most from that story is how their pairing was not some cupid-like love story with God playing the matchmaker role of bringing two random folks together. There was involvement from others.... so anyway, I was kind of addressing that more to posters in the thread in general, not you specifically. I'd never assume you didn't know your stuff!

I see - I get where you are coming from now! And you know no matter what is said, it is a challenge to me to think to myself - do I know?? Am I just spouting off something that someone told me? Or did I look to find out myself? You just presented a challenge to me and I had to think for a minute. But it is unbelievable how I am growing in knowing God and what I want and who I am just by reading/listening and thinking on what you guys say here! I'd much rather be challenged then to hear nothing. And hopefully all of these posts are there for someone who needs it sometime whether it's today or next year!

Thanks for clarifying. Since I "know" you from other posts, I know you did not mean any harm.