Mom & DH Went In on Friend for Hair...

[Evolving78]

While I understand that some people feel that they should consult their SO when making hair decisions, I find this to be utterly ridiculous. She's deployed in (I presume) a war zone. She took down her braids and it's matted. Do they realize that she just doesn't have the time it would take to detangle? It could take hours, even days to detangle her hair. And in the meantime, how is she supposed to go to formations, meetings, dodge bullets, meet uniform regs? What's wrong with these people? Besides which, did he marry her or her hair? Seriously, if my SO felt this strongly about my hair, I would have to take a second look at our marriage. And Mom would get a long distance, around the world piece of my mind.

would you feel different if she wasn't deployed?

 

[curlycrocheter]

When I say, "consult your dh/so" I'm not saying you need his permission & express written consent. She's a grown arse woman & the final decision was hers.

What I'm saying is, from my own personal experience, men take the things that we do with our hair personally. It's just hair to you, but to him, it's something to play in, it smells good, it makes you look good. It's so much more than what we perceive. That's not the case with all men, but for some, it definitely is.

 

[manter26]

I think the mom and the husband have a little somethin somethin going on.

There's a hint of some type of rivalry there. When she said, 'your husband wants your hair to look like mine,' that stood out to me. I think she's on some sort of ego trip. The husband and mother sound nutty.

 

[curlicarib]

would you feel different if she wasn't deployed?

Yes I would. The thing that makes this stupid to me is the fact that she's deployed and has much bigger fish to fry than her hair - like staying alive.

At home, this is a matter that can be discussed and perhaps she'd have the time to go through a multi-day detangling process, but where she's at, it's just not possible. In fact, I find it very selfish of both of them to put this nonsense on her while she's in such a position. In theater, it's stressful enough without your family putting some BS like this on you. Her worrying about her husband being upset about her hair and her Momma interfering, could be just enough of a distraction for to let down her guard for the second it takes to drive over an IED. I wounder how upset he'd be if she was bald and one legged?

Based upon the info in the OP they are both very selfish people who's looking to make her feel guilty about something as minor as her hair. Just stupid.

curlycrocheter, I knew what you meant, but considering where she is and what's she's doing, I think her DH and Mom are really being very selfish. I get how men feel about hair, but what good is the hair if the wife is broken or dead? Let her get home in one piece, then get into hair issues.

 

[curlycrocheter]

^^^I totally agree. In this case, yes, her hair should be the least of anyone's worries.

 

[Evolving78]

Yes I would. The thing that makes this stupid to me is the fact that she's deployed and has much bigger fish to fry than her hair - like staying alive.

At home, this is a matter that can be discussed and perhaps she'd have the time to go through a multi-day detangling process, but where she's at, it's just not possible. In fact, I find it very selfish of both of them to put this nonsense on her while she's in such a position. In theater, it's stressful enough without your family putting some BS like this on you. Her worrying about her husband being upset about her hair and her Momma interfering, could be just enough of a distraction for to let down her guard for the second it takes to drive over an IED. I wounder how upset he'd be if she was bald and one legged?

Based upon the info in the OP they are both very selfish people who's looking to make her feel guilty about something as minor as her hair. Just stupid.

curlycrocheter, I knew what you meant, but considering where she is and what's she's doing, I think her DH and Mom are really being very selfish. I get how men feel about hair, but what good is the hair if the wife is broken or dead? Let her get home in one piece, then get into hair issues.

i agree with, but i think the issue is a lot deeper than some hair. something in the milk ain't clean. for the husband to break down and cry over her cutting her hair is a little out there. he sounds insecure and the mother sounds out to lunch.

oh, we are suppose to give words of encouragement. i really don't have any since i don't know how your friend feels about her hair. all i know is she needed to cut it because it was a tangled mess. i think the issue is far more deeper than some hair. maybe her husband feels like she is changing on him ,and making moves without taking his feelings into consideration dealing with other aspects of their relationship? maybe the hair thing was the tip of the iceberg?

i think she needs to talk to her husband and make sure he knows that she cares about his feelings and she didn't cut her hair out of malice. tell him she was very frustrated and felt she made a wise decision, due to her environment and circumstances.

she needs to tell her mother to kick rocks and mind her business..

 

[TamaraShaniece]

My SO tried to defend the girls DH

 

[curlycrocheter]

i agree with, but i think the issue is a lot deeper than some hair. something in the milk ain't clean. for the husband to break down and cry over her cutting her hair is a little out there. he sounds insecure and the mother sounds out to lunch.

oh, we are suppose to give words of encouragement. i really don't have any since i don't know how your friend feels about her hair. all i know is she needed to cut it because it was a tangled mess. i think the issue is far more deeper than some hair. maybe her husband feels like she is changing on him ,and making moves without taking his feelings into consideration dealing with other aspects of their relationship? maybe the hair thing was the tip of the iceberg?

i think she needs to talk to her husband and make sure he knows that she cares about his feelings and she didn't cut her hair out of malice. tell him she was very frustrated and felt she made a wise decision, due to her environment and circumstances.

she needs to tell her mother to kick rocks and mind her business..

The bold is what it really comes down to. Again, from my own personal experience, this is exactly why my SO was so upset. He didn't cry, but he came really close because he thought I did it just to be mean to him. He felt like I took something away from him, that I didn't even know he liked that dam much, just because I was upset with him.

It's our hair, but other people's feelings get wrapped up in more than we are aware. That's all I'm saying.

 

[curlicarib]

I work on a Marine Corps Base and just showed this thread to one of the Gunnery Sargents. He laughed and said the DH was an a*s. He said she has way more important things to think about then her hair and that he sees too may Marines who get distracted by stupid bullsh*t that their S/O's put on them when they're deployed and it causes them to be too distracted. He said that when he was deployed he had to ban one of his Marines from talking to her boyfriend because he was afraid the distraction was going to cost her her life. SMH.

 

[curlicarib]

i agree with, but i think the issue is a lot deeper than some hair. something in the milk ain't clean. for the husband to break down and cry over her cutting her hair is a little out there. he sounds insecure and the mother sounds out to lunch.

oh, we are suppose to give words of encouragement. i really don't have any since i don't know how your friend feels about her hair. all i know is she needed to cut it because it was a tangled mess. i think the issue is far more deeper than some hair. maybe her husband feels like she is changing on him ,and making moves without taking his feelings into consideration dealing with other aspects of their relationship? maybe the hair thing was the tip of the iceberg?

i think she needs to talk to her husband and make sure he knows that she cares about his feelings and she didn't cut her hair out of malice. tell him she was very frustrated and felt she made a wise decision, due to her environment and circumstances.

she needs to tell her mother to kick rocks and mind her business..

The bold is what it really comes down to. Again, from my own personal experience, this is exactly why my SO was so upset. He didn't cry, but he came really close because he thought I did it just to be mean to him. He felt like I took something away from him, that I didn't even know he liked that dam much, just because I was upset with him.

It's our hair, but other people's feelings get wrapped up in more than we are aware. That's all I'm saying.

You guys are correct and if she was home I'd agree with you. But the girl is in a war zone. He needs to put on his big boy pants, own his emotions and support his wife so she can hopefully get home in one piece. Not distract her with his hurt feelings. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go ahead and say that he's a lousy, manipulative husband to even get the mother involved and allow this nonsense to travel around the world to her. I've seen spouses deal with house explosions, car accidents, family deaths, etc and not tell their deployed spouses because they didn't want them distracted. He and her mother should be ashamed of themselves.

 

[SouthernStunner]

She did say she had always wanted to be bald so since she messed up her hair she went for it.


We had a girl on here that cut her hair bold wish she sould come in and she her progress.

Kali is doing better by not takling to either.

 

[Iluvsmuhgrass]

Now.... the first thing I wanted to do was backhand the taste out of the mom's mouth and tell the husband to have a perpetual seat. This brave woman is risking life and limb to keep us safe and they're worried about her hair? Seriously? And what kind of man whines to his wife's mom? He couldn't have talked to his wife and left it at that? Why is the mom not minding her own business? As for mothers, I expect them to be grown and know how to act. She would have gotten TOLD if it were me. Jesus take the wheel.

Tell your friend that she's beautiful in spite of what other's think of her hair. My sister made faces when I had all of mine cut off, then SHE decided to go natural when she saw how my hair was flourishing. My SO was upset (his grandmother had been very sick and she died within a few days of me cutting my hair) but he was supportive. Now he loves it and he plays in it.

I'm sorry she's married to an arse. But she should NEVER apologize for doing something that benefits her and hurts no one else. It's hair. And natural hair is beautiful. There are so many people still trapped into the good/bad hair train of thought. I hope she doesn't allow their issues to become her own.

 

[Valerie]

There must be something deeper than on the surface.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Why is her mother scolding a GROWN ARSE married woman? That's all I could think reading that.

 

[SelahOco]

Why is her mother scolding a GROWN ARSE married woman? That's all I could think reading that.

All I kept thinking was 'they must be like 18 or 19."

Her mother is all the way wrong. And her DH was bogus for telling her. I wonder if he told the mom because he didn't wanna stress his wife and needed to vent. But the mom seems messy so I'm guessing he told her so she would relay the message.

I would be so hurt if I were her. Once my DH decided to grow his hair and facial hair longer - it was groomed but he was giving me 1983 Baptist pastor with it and I did not like it! Oh yes, I teased his behind but he was experimenting and I kinda understood him. I never came to like it....but I just got used to it and almost stopped 'seeing' it.

Men treat women like objects sometimes. Like we exist to visually excite them. Some men are conditioned to think that they 'own' some part of us and they play the victim when a women takes away their 'right' to be in a relationship with a woman who looks a certain way.

But this woman is a PERSON in a stressful situation who did what she needed to do. I would tell her that she has nothing to feel bad about. They are being emotionally abusive to her and she should stand up for herself. Tell her mom to mind her business and tell her DH why she made her choice and ask for his support as she does what is best for her hair, health and peace of mind.

If he can't do that he should marry her messy mother and her Phadra hair.

 

[JaneBond007]

Deployed in a DANGEROUS situation and all he is worried about is that his wife's short, nappy hair is "ugly?" What on earth did she marry? Who's in control of self here? And the mother? Was that mother-in-law or mother? I got a headache reading it. Anyhoo, that entire family is stupid. I have no words of encouragement other than, "do what you want for your own body." If that other lady's husband told her to go away and return when she'd grown hair and she was DEPLOYED IN A DANGEROUS MILITARY SITUATION, I'd advise her as well as your friend to seek marital counseling.

 

[Kerryann]

Im sorry but i would have served my mother a plate of mind ur flipping business. Why is her husband calling her momma about this hell she cant snap her fingers to make her daughter hair grow back.
Im not feeling this call at all period point blank. The mom should be concerned about her daughters safety instead of insulting her about her hair.

The Hubby needs to chill the hell out plus needs a cuss out for calling and complaining to her mother about hair. He dont know her struggles with her hair so he better chill. He better pray she comes home alive instead of hollering about hair.

 

[SouthernStunner]

She is 30 and an Officer in the military.

 

[curlicarib]

She is 30 and an Officer in the military.

So, she's probably an O-3 (Capt/Navy LT)? Which means she's probably an OIC/Company Commander and responsible for dozens, if not hundreds of lives besides her own. Husband needs to fall back and let his wife be great with her TWA. Ain't nobody got time for his trifling behind worrying about hair when she has young troops looking to her to lead them, and senior officers looking at how she's performing. And when she gets home, she needs to handle this husband/Mom situation. Because they both need to be straightened out.

 

[bhndbrwneyes]

omg this is so infuriating. Let's get started

Also remember when I told you about the girl at work that did that to her husband.

It's not like she cheated on him, attempted murder, etc etc. It's not something you DO to SOMEONE ELSE. It's a personal decision for yourself.

He told her to leave and don't come back until her hair has grown back out.

Really? Acting like it's the worst offense a wife can make.

Her hair has grown back out and she is natural and she LOOKS A HOT MESSS, EVERYDAY. And I told you even Susan hair makes her looks much bigger than she is. She needs her hair back too.

The mother is despicable. Hair doesn't make you look bigger in terms of weight. This is just evidence that the mom is very judgement at least about someone's physical appearance (probably cooking and cleaning habits too). She's just trying to pull whatever ammo she has for her argument on why this was a "bad hair decision". Smh

He sounds as though he was crying. He said she did not think of me and what I want or what I would say.

Wow. He needs to grow a pair. I'm wondering why the woman is with her DH in the first place. Selfish a**.

You need to call him and apologize to him and let him know you did not do this hurt him and you did not mean to hurt him....But Kali you need to do whatever you can to fix this problem...So do what you need to do and call him and apologize to him.

Ok this mother is the kind that thinks the wife's sole responsibility is for making the husband happy which may mean giving up any personal decision about the wife's own happiness/whatever. I can totally see the situation where IF the DH were to have an affair, the mother of the wife would say "Now you need to fix things at home. Give him the attention he needs so he doesn't have to be looking anywhere else. Do whatever you can to make him happy."...basically "this is your fault, daughter". Completely ignoring that it's the husband's fault. In that example he's the reason why HE cheated and in the situation of this post he's the reason why HE's unhappy about her hair. He needs to just get over it.

You know you have the worst hair ever to be trying to go NATURAL. You hair grows close to your head and makes it hard to comb

Proves the mother's ignorance right there. Not only can ALL hair go natural because THAT'S THE WAY WE ARE ALL BORN, but correct me if I'm wrong, I also believe ALL hair grows close to your head because that's where the pores are.

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

I hope by the time you get ready to leave you will have hair and it will be permed.

Further display of ignorance by the mother. So she is expecting at least SL (maybe NL but that's probably unacceptably short to the husband) in just 4 months! GIRL GET OUT OF HERE.

 

[FelaShrine]

lol @ cocosweet. Anytime

Ive always wondered about wives who just randomly BC without warning

Lord knows I'd divorced yall

With that said, dude in the write-up is a punk. Running to her mother? yuck.

 

[okange76]

On the flip side, I think the husband is having a really hard time coping with her not being there. We always worry about military wives' emotional well being when their husbands are deployed. No one ever really talks about military husbands. Maybe her hair was part of how they bonded at home. Now she's gone, her hair's gone and he could be just highly emotional.

Many times IRL and on here we forget that men are also human beings with feelings and emotions. They may be physically stronger than us but I have found that women are emotionally stronger than men. This man could be acting irrationally in our minds but in reality he is totally lost without his wife.

Many of you can relate as to how when you are away for even a measly two days, your man can't act right and blows up your phone. Imagine being away for months or even years not knowing exactly when your partner will be back. It is devasting for the spouse who is left behind.

Her mother is just plain wrong. She could have just briefly mentioned that he was having a hard time and let her daughter handle the situation in her own way.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Ok so I have a friend that is deployed. Not knowing that you are to detangle after getting braids she washed and ended up with a matted mess. So what did she do? She cut it all off to a fade with the hopes to grow long, healthy, natural hair.

Her DH found out call HER mother and here is the email the mom sent her....

I know you got my email to say call me. I know you know why I want you to

call me. YES, Dallas called me yesterday and scared the living day life out

of me. I answered the phone and said how are you Dallas, he said with a

very sad voice NOT GOOD. I said what's wrong he said Kali. I said what is

wrong with Kali. He said she cut all her hair off and told me not to tell

you but I am so HURT. He sounds as though he was crying. He said she did

not think of me and what I want or what I would say. Kali, Dallas is VERY

HURT. You need to call him and apologize to him and let him know you did

not do this hurt him and you did not mean to hurt him. You know he is a

barber so he cares about hair. You should know that from the time when you

were not even married yet and you got a bad haircut he told you, you pay

for what you get and gave you money and said now go and get it straightened

out. I tried to convince him that it would grow back by the time you come

home. But Kali you need to do whatever you can to fix this problem. I

really hate you cut your hair too. Your brother and I talked this morning and

he seven said if his wife did it he would be very angry too. Your brother even

says he is a "Hair" man and he love his wife hair. Now I don't know Dallas

like you know Dallas but I think he like a women hair. Remember when we

were there for Thanksgiving and he said to you, fix your hair like your

mother's? So it obvious that he is a "Hair" man as well. Now do what you

need to do to calm him down. He was so upset yesterday I am telling you.

He said you did not think about his feeling and what he wanted. He just kept

saying Kali you are not thinking about him. So do what you need to do and

call him and apologize to him. Let him know you do think of him ALL the

time but you had a bad hair decision and that your hair will grow back. I

hope by the time you get ready to leave you will have hair and it will be

permed. I know there is someone there to do that. If not get a kit and read

the directions, you can do it. I did it when we were in Germany. I permed

my own hair. You know you have the worst hair ever to be trying to go

NATURAL. You h air grows close to your head and makes it hard to comb. YOU

KNOW. Now I guess you can call me now that you know what I was going to s



Also remember when I told you about the girl at work that did that to her

husband. He told her to leave and don't come back until her hair has grown

back out. Her hair has grown back out and she is natural and she LOOKS A

HOT MESSS, EVERYDAY. And I told you even Susan hair makes her looks much

bigger than she is. She needs her hair back too.



SERMON IS OVER!!!!!

I know you ladies are going to have alot to say but all I ask is that you help me find the right words of encouragement. She is due back in 4 months so she wont have that much hair.

Is it THAT hard to put an "s" at the end of words that warrant them?? erplexed



Anyway..........................................

You know you have the worst hair ever to be trying to go

NATURAL. You h air grows close to your head and makes it hard to comb. YOU

KNOW.

Also remember when I told you about the girl at work that did that to her

husband. He told her to leave and don't come back until her hair has grown

back out. Her hair has grown back out and she is natural and she LOOKS A

HOT MESSS, EVERYDAY.

WOW.....I don't even know what to say..... #NOWORDS

 

[SelahOco]

She is 30 and an Officer in the military.

Oh hayle naw. I feel bad for her. She must be hurt, furious and confused.

 

[Stormy]

Mods please help delete this double post.

 

[Stormy]

All that over some hair? Dayuuuum!!!

Now, I understand the consulting part... I guess I mean if the DH is that much into hair, but this is ridiculous! Shoot, my DH shaved his head bald without consulting with me and I didn't like it, but hey I deal with it. Then I shaved mine bald too! He couldn't complain. He claimed he was fine with it though (although I notice how excited he gets when my hair was getting long).

That was nice of you to send her the box of hair goodies. Tell her to educate them. They probably won't listen (because they sound kind of nutty and old fashioned, ignorant, etc...) so she could also say well it's done now it'll grow back so drop it!

 

[NijaG]

If her husband is this upset and turned off by short hair, I really wonder what would happen if God forbid she came home with a missing limb or two. I guess their marriage would be OVER.

 

[itsjusthair88]

I'm going to say this is deeper than hair. I watched my father deploy 6 times in my life and being separated from him (for my mother) was taxing, not that she showed it to us very often; but the older I got, the more signs I could see. I think the husband is really upset about his wife bring gone and in my life, I have seen some serious contention when a female officer outranks her husband and is in a commanding role, I'm not saying it's right, because it isn't, I'm just telling you what I've seen growing up.

Having said that, when my father or brother are deployed (both have been) the LAST thing I care about is what the h3ll their hair looks like; they can come back looking like freakin' buckwheat and as long as they come back, me and my family are praising Jesus. Both the mother and the husband need to walk to Yankee stadium and take each and every single seat. When your spouse is deployed, you have to be come to a different level of thinking and support, and clearly this man has yet to reach that level.

I am so sorry she is having to worry about this when she needs to be worrying about her safety and that of her platoon. It's really makes me angry.

Sent from my iPad...so clearly the typos are not my fault

 

[Lita]

This is ridiculous,they need to pray & hope she returns home safely...Hair is not as serious,as ones life....These people need to grow up.

Happy Hair Growing!

 

[okange76]

This is deeper than hair. That man is lost without his wife.