Celibacy & Pre-Marital Sex Dilemma

[cocoberry10]

Ladies:

I have a question for you about celibacy and pre-marital sex.

I was talking to a friend. She and I are both celibate (I am actually a virgin--she's not). Anyway, she told me that, although she chooses not to engage in pre-marital sex with any man until he becomes her husband, she does not expect the same from a guy. Basically, she told me she would still marry a man who continued to engage in sex during their "courtship."

I don't agree with this. I know a lot of celibates who do/allow this from the guys they are seeing. I always looked at Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey as examples of this. The media over-emphasized Jessica's virginity, while never mentioning whether Nick was practicing celibacy or not (I assumed he wasn't since he was a pop star).

Anyway, as a celibate, I don't expect men I tell to agree with my lifestyle, and I give them the option of ending the relationship if it's something they can't handle, b/c I don't think it's fair to expect a guy to do something that's not in his heart. However, I feel like it defeats the purpose (other than serving God--the most important purpose) for me to remain celibate while he continues sleeping around.

I mean, people can get diseases while you are trying to live holy. What if you do marry, and he has Herpes or AIDS? Guys get other girls pregnant, while in other relationships. Would I want to deal with this. Basically my friend told me that I didn't "understand" b/c I'm a virgin. I don't agree--I think I have high expectations--first for myself, and then for anyone I marry. I'm not expecting a man to be a virgin when he marries me. However, I am looking for a true man of God.

Please tell me what you think, and sorry so long! It's just really bothering me!

Cocoberry

 

[alexstin]

I understand and agree. I'm married but if I was single I wouldn't be with someone who's relationship with God is so casual that sex outside of marriage is no biggie. That just shows you the condition of their heart and you need to stay far, far away. If they can't control themselves in this area, what about other areas of their life. Also, what about when they do marry. If they couldn't control themselves then, will they be able to when for example their wife is having a difficult pregnancy with no sex allowed but they are feeling frisky?

I do understand what your friend is saying in terms of not being a virgin. Once you've awakened that area of your life it can be very difficult for some people to control those desires. But, you can! Jesus didn't give his life so that sexual desires could rule us.

God gave us dominion over this earth and everything that entails including our desires. So if a Christian says that they can't control themselves then they need to check themselves because God already said we can.

I applaud you. Keep doing what you're doing. Alot of people fail in this area because they don't take the appropriate steps to minimize temptation. You are a daughter of the Most High. Walk with your head up and let God bring you someone even better than you ever dreamed!

Valerie

 

[ArrrBeee]

Sex before marriage clouds your judgement.

If the guy is having sex with others, and you are celibate for religious reasons you are not on the same page.

Stay sexually pure and God will send you someone who is on your level.

 

[Southernbella.]

Sex before marriage clouds your judgement.

If the guy is having sex with others, and you are celibate for religious reasons you are not on the same page.

Stay sexually pure and God will send you someone who is on your level.

Exactly. They are unequally yoked. If that's her plan, it sounds to me like she's settling. Tell her to wait on God, because he will bring her a husband who is on the same page!

 

[locabouthair]

..................

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Sex before marriage clouds your judgement.

If the guy is having sex with others, and you are celibate for religious reasons you are not on the same page.

Stay sexually pure and God will send you someone who is on your level.

There is no way in the world I would be in a so-called relationship with a man who is sleeping with other women or pressuring me to be sexually active just b/c he does not have complete control over his instrument.


I don't think it's impossible to find a man who is a virgin, but it does seem difficult. Besides that, just b/c a man (or woman) has sex before does not mean they are any less redeemed than the virgin. Clearly, that person is demonstrating self-control since they've had sex and may really enjoy it, but he/she chooses to resist the temptation out of love for God or his/her temple etc.

So I think you're doing the right thing by looking for a true man of God. If he's whole-heartedly serving God, you'll know it and sex shouldn't even be an issue.

 

[star]

You hit nail on the head when you said I am expecting more. Some think they must get less than God's best. I myself have been celibate over 10 years and know that everyone will not have my same testimony but I still expect God's best and know that God will send me a man who will save his body for me like I am saving my body for him. I say pray for your freind. Your's and her experiences are different since she is not a virgin and she knows what it feels like to be with a man that's why she is saying what she is saying but what she does not realize is God can still keep her and her possible husband if they want to be kept. This is why GOd wants us to wait for marriage for love making because He knows how hard it is for some to substain if they know what it feels like to be with the opposite sex. Although it may be hard for her and it is not impossible. Sometimes being an example to others is the best teacher. She will reap what she sows if she does not do it God's way. Do not let it bother you but understand others have view points that do not have much value to it. Something has to happen for her to see it God's way. Being celiabate is so much more than substaining from sex but it is glorify God through our bodies and deeply intimate with Him.

 

[cocoberry10]

I understand and agree. I'm married but if I was single I wouldn't be with someone who's relationship with God is so casual that sex outside of marriage is no biggie. That just shows you the condition of their heart and you need to stay far, far away. If they can't control themselves in this area, what about other areas of their life. Also, what about when they do marry. If they couldn't control themselves then, will they be able to when for example their wife is having a difficult pregnancy with no sex allowed but they are feeling frisky?

I do understand what your friend is saying in terms of not being a virgin. Once you've awakened that area of your life it can be very difficult for some people to control those desires. But, you can! Jesus didn't give his life so that sexual desires could rule us.

God gave us dominion over this earth and everything that entails including our desires. So if a Christian says that they can't control themselves then they need to check themselves because God already said we can.

I applaud you. Keep doing what you're doing. Alot of people fail in this area because they don't take the appropriate steps to minimize temptation. You are a daughter of the Most High. Walk with your head up and let God bring you someone even better than you ever dreamed!

Valerie

Thank you, and thank you all ladies. I was really beginning to question if there were men who would respect my decision to wait until marriage. She is a really close friend, and her allowing a guy to sleep with other women, while they are together shattered my view of how it was supposed to be. Although I'm usually a realist about things, I choose to be an idealist about this.

 

[cocoberry10]

Well Ladies:

I spoke with my friend about some of the things we discussed here. I didn't tell her that other people said them, and I just told her how I felt honestly. She told me how much she respected my opinion, and then said that her greatest fear was being alone.

It made me realize that a lot of women are so afraid of this, that they put up with things they really don't want to--like philandering husbands/boyfriends, committmentphobes and men who don't really value them. I admitted to her that I also have my moments when I think a man will not truly honor me for being celibate, but I just have to trust God.

 

[Poohbear]

I completely agree with your stance, cocoberry10. Right on!

 

[beverly]

Star, how have you been able to stay celibate for 10 years, I want some tips . Mostly I dont date, so that is how I make it through, so I need your advice

 

[qtgirl]

I didn't read the whole thing, but I really wouldn't want someone "courting" me and having sex with someone else so I don't get your friend's position at all. I also don't think that Nick Lachey was having sex while he was dating/courting Jessica Simpson, I think because he was not a virgin and she was, is why the media focused on her virginity so much, not that he was out catting around while she was saving herself for him.

 

[firecracker]

I understand and agree. I'm married but if I was single I wouldn't be with someone who's relationship with God is so casual that sex outside of marriage is no biggie. That just shows you the condition of their heart and you need to stay far, far away. If they can't control themselves in this area, what about other areas of their life. Also, what about when they do marry. If they couldn't control themselves then, will they be able to when for example their wife is having a difficult pregnancy with no sex allowed but they are feeling frisky?

I do understand what your friend is saying in terms of not being a virgin. Once you've awakened that area of your life it can be very difficult for some people to control those desires. But, you can! Jesus didn't give his life so that sexual desires could rule us.

God gave us dominion over this earth and everything that entails including our desires. So if a Christian says that they can't control themselves then they need to check themselves because God already said we can.

I applaud you. Keep doing what you're doing. Alot of people fail in this area because they don't take the appropriate steps to minimize temptation. You are a daughter of the Most High. Walk with your head up and let God bring you someone even better than you ever dreamed!

Valerie

I totally agree with your post. I am not judging those that freely indulge. So I must be honest. I am currently celibate. I have had bouts of celibacy and lust throughout my 30's an beyond. I am developing a true honest relationship with God. Alot of things have changed and will be changing. I am looking forward to the changes. Even a born again Christian must refrain from sexual actitity in order to please God. It is hard but to say oh well I cannot stop is not right nor pleasing to God. I make no excuse for my past foul acts or sins. (ya'll know I fight the violent & cursing demon daily from my silly post) Its an easy out/excuse for many. I have struggled with this type of mentality in past relationships. The shame and pain after the act almost killed me. You will have weak moments and may fall. After all the pain and drama premarital brings into your life. I don't personally thinks its worth me losing sleep and throwing up constantly. Just my personal experiece after having some good ole sex. I believe it gets easier as your Christian walk becomes more important than a few moments of pleasure. I tell men there are many willing victims so go have your way with them. I ain't havin it cuz its too painful for me. Now my friends that do have sex without regret more power to them. That is between them and my father. Let me say also at times I envied their ability to disregard what God says about burning with lust. Sad but true. I got hangup in that area I gather.

 

[alexstin]

That is great Cocoberry. It's nice that your friend was able to open up about the real reasons for her actions. Hopefully you two can be accountable to each other since you now understand where she's really coming from.

 

[Bunny77]

Well Ladies:

I spoke with my friend about some of the things we discussed here. I didn't tell her that other people said them, and I just told her how I felt honestly. She told me how much she respected my opinion, and then said that her greatest fear was being alone.

It made me realize that a lot of women are so afraid of this, that they put up with things they really don't want to--like philandering husbands/boyfriends, committmentphobes and men who don't really value them. I admitted to her that I also have my moments when I think a man will not truly honor me for being celibate, but I just have to trust God.

It's amazing what the fear of being alone will make we as women (and sometimes men) accept and rationalize. I'm glad that your friend admitted her fear.

And hey, I'm 28, single, not in a relationship. I'd love to be in one one day, and I'm sure it will happen. But for now, to try to do things on my own schedule and not God's schedule will just lead to disaster... trust me, I've seen way too many divorces/drama/pregnancies/etc. because one person tried to take matters in his/her own hands just so they wouldn't be alone instead of waiting on God to deliver the right person.

Anyway, I just wanted to chime in that I've been celibate for 3 years and I'm not a virgin... sure it might be harder for a non-virgin to go back to an abstinent state after experiencing sex, but it's not impossible. It's just a matter of whether you choose to control yourself or not... the ones who make excuses about how they can't do it aren't truly working on it. (I'm not talking about a slip-up here and there, I'm talking about not people who aren't even making an effort.)

So your friend's statement about how you can't understand because you're a virgin was just BS... and as she's realized, she's speaking more out of fear than reality.

Here's the truth... men are not going to die if they don't have sex!!!!!! The right man will not only respect your beliefs and will wait, but he will also be faithful.

Good luck to both of you!

 

[AnnDriena_]

okay nobody caught this but i am rolling on the floor from the statement "I give them the option to end the relationship"
I wouldn't give them the "option" I'd make them stay and date me. Okay, I'm sorry. That was foul.

But these ladies are on point. A courtship is two peoples way of showing interest and getting a limited preview of how they will be treated by the other person.

If someone is having sex with someone else during your "courtship" chances are that's the way he is going to treat you during marriage. Don't fall for the okey doke girl.

 

[cocoberry10]

okay nobody caught this but i am rolling on the floor from the statement "I give them the option to end the relationship"
I wouldn't give them the "option" I'd make them stay and date me. Okay, I'm sorry. That was foul.

But these ladies are on point. A courtship is two peoples way of showing interest and getting a limited preview of how they will be treated by the other person.

If someone is having sex with someone else during your "courtship" chances are that's the way he is going to treat you during marriage. Don't fall for the okey doke girl.

Ha ha, I get it!

 

[shunemite]

(I am actually a virgin)...... I think I have high expectations--first for myself, and then for anyone I marry. I'm not expecting a man to be a virgin when he marries me. However, I am looking for a true man of God.
Please tell me what you think, and sorry so long! It's just really bothering me!

Cocoberry

First af all, glory be to God that you are still a virgin! I'm still one too, by God's grace. Keep your treasure that way. And keep your high expectations, they're good! Also, just to encourage you, you CAN find a man who's still a virgin. My father and mother were both virgins when they married, my brother was a virgin when he married his virgin wife, and my oldest brother, who is 30, is STILL a virgin. (No, they're not lying). His girlfriend, I don't know her past (it's none of my business), is a great woman of God.

I expect to end up with a virgin or a born-again virgin who has HONESTLY turned from his past and is serving the Lord with his body. Tell your friend to keep up the good fight and that God is faithful.

 

[MissJ]

I doubt if Jessica would have married Nick if he weren't abstaining also.

 

[jewel]

I plan to teach my kids about abstinence and the importance of saving yourself for your future spouse. I wished i had only did that...I think it would have been much more special once i married. When you follow the path GOD wants for you he blesses you.

 

[caligirl]

I plan to teach my kids about abstinence and the importance of saving yourself for your future spouse. I wished i had only did that...I think it would have been much more special once i married. When you follow the path GOD wants for you he blesses you.

Do you think that people who wish to remain single should abstain from sex their entire lifetime?

 

[star]

Star, how have you been able to stay celibate for 10 years, I want some tips . Mostly I dont date, so that is how I make it through, so I need your advice

Fasting and praying did it for me. I think if I do not have anything right I have being intimate or close to God. I have always had a love affair with God especially since I lost my parents at the age of 11. Through fasting and praying and staying busy at my church God kept me busy. I knew He is saving me for someone REALLY special because I am still waiting to feel that special feeling.

1. Fasting and Praying; reading my word and staying in God's face
2. Practicing Christian Dating(not much of this and no man came in my home I was always ready when he came and we went to public settings.
3. Staying Busy at the Church; reading Christian info living celiabate and whole.
4. God was in all this so it work out. He knew how to keep the men away.

 

[star]

Do you think that people who wish to remain single should abstain from sex their entire lifetime?

Yes, if they are Christans. It is better to marry then to burn in passion and burn in hell.

 

[cocoberry10]

I doubt if Jessica would have married Nick if he weren't abstaining also.

That's probably true!

 

[cocoberry10]

Do you think that people who wish to remain single should abstain from sex their entire lifetime?

If you are a Christian, and follow the Bible, then you would probably believe that a person should not engage in sex until/unless they are married to the person.

However, I am not going to make other people's decisions for them. I know it is a struggle, and like other things, everyone may not feel they have the power to do so. I'm not judging anyone's choices, but I don't expect others to judge mine either! And if they do, that's their problem, not mine!