Hair Confessions of a Black Woman...a hair story...

[MonaLisa]

Hair Confessions of a Black Woman

These are the stories of my lifelong journey for "good" hair.

Black men like straight hair, permed hair, relaxed. It doesn't matter if it's your own or some lady's from China. White men dig the roots, the natural look, even the braid.

I'm a Black woman and these are my hair confessions. So maybe not all Black men, and maybe not all white men are as I've described, only all the ones I know. The only exception to my full-proof rule are mixed guys or those Black men with a vanilla latte hue. You never know what type of request you'll get from those guys. I should know...My hair. I've had:

Jheri curl, s-curl, asymmetrical cut, braids, micro and big, so much color, that I am not even sure what my natural color is exactly; weaves, long ones short ones, light brown, black, wigs and of course, my most loyal friend, RELAXER!

Olive's, Danny's His and Hers in Boston, Helen's Hairum in Springfield, Barry Fletcher and the Hair Gangsters in Maryland, the Haitian hair salon in Tampa where you can have "NO perm" and they'll blow dry your hair so straight people will swear your momma is Indian. There's Neeko (hands down the best to ever pick up a curling iron or scissors), this man can color and relax your hair in the same day and you won't be screaming, except to say "damn I'm fly!"

I'm sure I've paid for a few cars, diamond rings, down payments on houses with all the money I spent on my do.

My momma has curly do anything hair. I, unfortunately, did not get those blessed genes. Thanks mom!

I've owned curling irons, but it was merely for show, or for my friends who would stop by and ask if I, a black woman, had a curling iron. I always did, but they never understood the absurdity of their question. These hot iron curling tools mainly sit at the bottom of a drawer, collecting dust, on stand-by, waiting to be used.

I used to be one of those "regulars", "every week" type of girls.

Color. Cut. Relax.


I don't sleep with any apparatus. A girl has to look good, even at 3am. By Wednesday, my perfectly straight hair would begin the four-day creep back to its natural state.

I've had five inches cut when I asked for a trim; left with fire engine orange hair when I asked for a rinse, and even one brave black woman who washed my hair with Pert (and I still tipped her.)

This summer I was forcibly torn from my relaxer, forced to do the unthinkable...MY OWN HAIR!!!!

One week led to two, then three. The salon where I was once a weekly regular, where my girl knew more about my life than my own family, had blacklisted me. I had let my hair go.

I was rocking my thick, naturally kinky -- color still unknown -- 4B hair!
Then it happened. My boyfriend (darker than vanilla latte) requested an intervention. Imagine that.

I thought I looked good.

"Baby are you strapped for cash? I got your relaxer. Need a trim too?"

"You are doing what? Keeping it like that? On purpose? What about black tie events?"

Insert image of me laughing hysterically.

Stay tuned...no more space, but definitely more hair stories.

To follow Naila's hair journey visit tyrashow.com

 

[ellebelle88]

I read this and as soon as I did, I went searching online for Part II. But I don't think it has come out yet. It's a pretty good story and I can't wait to read more.

 

[almond eyes]

Good piece. I believe that it has to be recognised that black men's self-esteem is also about the women seen on their arms and what others think about that person. American society does not seem to value black women's beauty unless she is light or brown skinned, long hair, light eyes or fine features (a combination of at least one of these things put a woman in good standing for some men). And Black men internalise these negative perceptions of black women which very often are not said outloud but come to us by media which serve as powerful images. Along with the fact that Black men in America have never felt truly valued. Have you ever heard of a Caucasian man tell his female counterpart that he wants her hair curly when he knows that her hair is naturally straight. So, as black women in America we also get our value from what our black men think about our beauty.

I am not saying we should not think about what our men desire as a way to keep the sex appeal going but to me if a man said he preferred you lighter would you rush out to buy bleach cream which could ruin your health but yet you don't see that it's the same issue with the hair. And I also indict some of our African brothers who value their African women only if they have light skinned and some African women feel like their chances for marriage and dating are nil unless they bleach no matter how bad the result. Many of my black friends and cousins married to non-black men report that they don't have the same worries about their appearance (hair, skin colour) and this has been very freeing for them.

I would really like to know what would happen if Black men throughout the world's self-esteem improved and what a wonderful thing that would be for black/African women.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

Love it. I like her writing style.
Can't wait for part duece.

 

[Eclass215]

Good article. I'll be looking for the rest!

And almond eyes, you definitely hit on some points. I just had a serious argument this weekend with my fiance - about my HAIR!!?? I never thought how I style my hair would be such an issue for anyone other than myself, but I think he is definitely afflicted with some of those perception and image issues. It's so sad and yet I've decided to marry him - so just imagine my thoughts.

 

[almond eyes]

I'm telling you I never had such angst over my hair as when I dated my ex boyfriend who was Caribbean and AA. We would always fight over the issue of my hair. In the end, his obsession with my hair became so obvious that it was clear that we could not be together it was making me sick. And Eclass 215, your hair looks gorgeous so what in the heck would you be fighting about? But in the end, despite all the fussing he picked you so maybe he will change over time and realise that its not about the hair, its about how he feels about himself and you make him feel good then he'll stop obsessing.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[FluffyRed]

Good article. I'll be looking for the rest!

And almond eyes, you definitely hit on some points. I just had a serious argument this weekend with my fiance - about my HAIR!!?? I never thought how I style my hair would be such an issue for anyone other than myself, but I think he is definitely afflicted with some of those perception and image issues. It's so sad and yet I've decided to marry him - so just imagine my thoughts.

And imagine what messages he'll give your daughters!

 

[Eclass215]

I'm telling you I never had such angst over my hair as when I dated my ex boyfriend who was Caribbean and AA. We would always fight over the issue of my hair. In the end, his obsession with my hair became so obvious that it was clear that we could not be together it was making me sick. And Eclass 215, your hair looks gorgeous so what in the heck would you be fighting about? But in the end, despite all the fussing he picked you so maybe he will change over time and realise that its not about the hair, its about how he feels about himself and you make him feel good then he'll stop obsessing.

Best,
Almond Eyes

And there it is - he is the same, a "Jamerican" if you will. He says I "tricked" him with the way I wore my hair when we met. He is ok with all styles except a bun or twists. Straight, twistouts and sometimes a WNG is ok - anything else is a fight. I even explained to him the purpose for me wearing my hair the way I do, but he just thinks I'm being lazy and don't want to style my hair. I am hoping he will just let it go over time - because you're right, he chose me!!

Thx

 

[almond eyes]

And there it is - he is the same, a "Jamerican" if you will. He says I "tricked" him with the way I wore my hair when we met. He is ok with all styles except a bun or twists. Straight, twistouts and sometimes a WNG is ok - anything else is a fight. I even explained to him the purpose for me wearing my hair the way I do, but he just thinks I'm being lazy and don't want to style my hair. I am hoping he will just let it go over time - because you're right, he chose me!!

Thx

I had the same issue too. He thought the extension braids were my own hair (Only a dummy would not know, but I guess back in the day), and when he found out they were not he would harass me daily. When I wore my hair out pressed it was fine and he wanted to showcase and showboat until it poofed out and then that became another issue. I am glad not to deal with that. But my Dad who is Half Nigerian and Half-Beninoise who has been living in the States for a long time hates when my Mum wears her hair curly short. So Mum feels like she has to press her hair every week. The good thing for her is that her hair is so heat trained that it no longer reverts. I recently, told my mother when I was in the States Mum, do what makes you feel good. And she is now feeling more at ease with her little curly 3c fro. And to be honest, I think she looks younger and more distinguished than with the straight hair which does not look good with her now heat trained fine hair.

These men!!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Eclass215]

And imagine what messages he'll give your daughters!

Ugh! but you know what - I'm hoping I can offset anything he says by providing a good example. My own father told me that men liked women with long hair - and just to prove him wrong, I cut all mine off . But I can only hope my future duaghters will be as self-confident as I am no matter what any man (even their father) says.

 

[ellebelle88]

I would really like to know what would happen if Black men throughout the world's self-esteem improved and what a wonderful thing that would be for black/African women.

I can't agree more with this. Some black men are so dang insecure and they transfer these sentiments over to African-American females. I want a man who loves me for me, so it pains me to hear the stories about men who are so assertive about how their significant other chooses to wear her hair. If my husband doesn't accept me for my hair, I'm sorry, but I don't think I could be with him for long. I don't want or need any extra pressure to conform around me. I get enough already from society.

 

[almond eyes]

I think it's a hard pill to swallow but some not all black men (and that's all in the disapora that have had histories of enslavement or colonialism) view their manhood based upon the beauty of their black female significant others especially what others think. No one would like to say this outloud because it's too painful to admit or if you know that you keep up a certain look because your boyfriend or husband might leave you or look the other way. When I was in a hair salon a few years ago a lovely Senegalese woman told me that she has been trying to give her hair a break from extension braids because they were wrecking her hairline but her husband does not want to see her without them. He prefers her hair straight and long (like he met her with own straight and long hair to begin with) but would rather she wear extensions (he finds weaves too fake looking) than to sport her own hair which she said was a bit damaged and short. I felt bad for her because I was telling her that from the way things were headed she would end up bald and with no husband. Again, it's a slippery slope because yes, who does not want their man to find them appealing but hair is one of those things that's more appealing for people on the outside and getting the ohs, ahs and stares. Everyone knows what gets a man going in the bedroom is really a woman's body and essence and not her hair.

That's why I'm glad that I took a break from the extension braids to deal with my own hair because I don't want to meet some guy who is going to have expecations that my hair is straight or that it's going to be a certain length.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Allandra]

This was definitely a good read.

 

[AdeyemiTL]

Black women need to be very careful about going down the slippery slope of fixing their hair a certain way because their man approves. It has all kinds of implications, while it is nice to appeal to the senses of your significant other, your significant other should not assert himself in the realm of one's personal expression. Personal expression is not static it is dynamic and therefore changes. We are on this forum to learn techniques that will make our hair thrive, part of this thriving is getting support from our loved ones to rally us on. In the end our significant others are supposed to be our helpmates just as we as supposed to be theirs. If your loved one is so caught up on a European beauty paradigm then how does that allow you to be you self? Also I think it is ironic that, we acknowledge the pain of slavery and colonialism for Black men and not Black women. What was the wage of these institutions on our psyches; how are we psychologically damaged; we are we so willing to submit our will, pain, and struggle to the will of Black men and quite frankly, they do not do the same for us? What is the cost of the submission and how are we benefiting our daughters? I am all for having boyfriends, fiancees, and husbands but not at the cost of who I am. I am a strong intelligent black woman and I expect to have the same in my man. I also expect that my man support me in endeavors that are important to me and see the beauty of my hair in its natural state as well as slicked back and straight. My significant other needs to respect the decisions that I make as an autonomous individual, and yes in relationships concessions are made, but too many women concede before necessary and too many Black women make too many excuses for why their man does not strive to make them feel happy and whole. I think that is a problem, perhaps that is why I am single.

 

[almond eyes]

Wow Adeyemi that was a deep and good analysis.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Cassandra1975]

I think it's a hard pill to swallow but some not all black men (and that's all in the disapora that have had histories of enslavement or colonialism) view their manhood based upon the beauty of their black female significant others especially what others think. No one would like to say this outloud because it's too painful to admit or if you know that you keep up a certain look because your boyfriend or husband might leave you or look the other way. When I was in a hair salon a few years ago a lovely Senegalese woman told me that she has been trying to give her hair a break from extension braids because they were wrecking her hairline but her husband does not want to see her without them. He prefers her hair straight and long (like he met her with own straight and long hair to begin with) but would rather she wear extensions (he finds weaves too fake looking) than to sport her own hair which she said was a bit damaged and short. I felt bad for her because I was telling her that from the way things were headed she would end up bald and with no husband. Again, it's a slippery slope because yes, who does not want their man to find them appealing but hair is one of those things that's more appealing for people on the outside and getting the ohs, ahs and stares. Everyone knows what gets a man going in the bedroom is really a woman's body and essence and not her hair.

That's why I'm glad that I took a break from the extension braids to deal with my own hair because I don't want to meet some guy who is going to have expecations that my hair is straight or that it's going to be a certain length.

Best,
Almond Eyes

Black women need to be very careful about going down the slippery slope of fixing their hair a certain way because their man approves. It has all kinds of implications, while it is nice to appeal to the senses of your significant other, your significant other should not assert himself in the realm of one's personal expression. Personal expression is not static it is dynamic and therefore changes. We are on this forum to learn techniques that will make our hair thrive, part of this thriving is getting support from our loved ones to rally us on. In the end our significant others are supposed to be our helpmates just as we as supposed to be theirs. If your loved one is so caught up on a European beauty paradigm then how does that allow you to be you self? Also I think it is ironic that, we acknowledge the pain of slavery and colonialism for Black men and not Black women. What was the wage of these institutions on our psyches; how are we psychologically damaged; we are we so willing to submit our will, pain, and struggle to the will of Black men and quite frankly, they do not do the same for us? What is the cost of the submission and how are we benefiting our daughters? I am all for having boyfriends, fiancees, and husbands but not at the cost of who I am. I am a strong intelligent black woman and I expect to have the same in my man. I also expect that my man support me in endeavors that are important to me and see the beauty of my hair in its natural state as well as slicked back and straight. My significant other needs to respect the decisions that I make as an autonomous individual, and yes in relationships concessions are made, but too many women concede before necessary and too many Black women make too many excuses for why their man does not strive to make them feel happy and whole. I think that is a problem, perhaps that is why I am single.

Thanks for posting this topic!

I read both of the above quotes, and it got me thinking about an ex-bf of mine. The things that attracted me to him had to do with his personality and (what I thought was) his outlook on life. Frankly, had I just seen him out somewhere, he would not have been someone I was initially attracted to, based on looks. But he knew how to hold a conversation, was kind, and we had a few things in common. When he met me my hair was natural. I didn't have a lot of styling skills back then, so my hair was limited to wash n gos and 'fros...and I had just started experimenting with twist outs. I say all that to say, there was no "trickery" - when he met me I was who I was: a chocolate skinned black woman who wore her hair natural.

Of course, months down the line, he finally admitted that his picture of beauty was all about light skin and long hair. We went back and forth about this for a long time, and ultimately the relationship ended, for quite a few reasons. But you all hit the nail on the head when speaking about men's insecurities and projecting them onto us. He was shorter than average, receding hairline, so he chose to shave his hair bald. I often asked him, "how would you feel if I came to you and said, I prefer a man who has hair, so I need you to go get some Rogaine and work that out?" Of course, he had no answer. In one of our many conversations about this, he stated that he felt insecure about a lot of things, and one of the things that would make him feel secure was to have "a beautiful woman on his arm", so that when he goes out, people will admire us. All I could say to that is "wow." If I had known he had all those issues, we never would have gotten involved. Of course, people tend to send out their "representative" in the beginning, and you meet the real person later.

I ultimately preferred wearing twist outs, so that's how I wore my hair. It was very time consuming, but I considered it to be a happy medium, 'cause I was not going to be straightening my hair on a regular basis. In the end, it didn't matter what I did because HE was not happy with HIMSELF, so he was never going to be happy, period.

At that point I realized I needed to make sure I was happy with MYSELF. If that means I have to be single, then so be it. But luckily, I have met men since then who have not been over concerned with my hair, and that has been a sigh of relief. Too bad they just had other issues, lol

 

[MD_Lady]

That was an excellent article and I can't wait for part 2.

 

[almond eyes]

We would think that when a man steps to us that he is not trying to change us into an impossible image or that we feel like we have to keep up. Remember that scene from the movie, "Something New" when Blair Underwood tells Sanaa Lathan, "I like your hair the one in the picture." At that point she knew this was not the guy for her because, the hair she was wearing as she sat in the car with him was her own and relaxed curly and the picture was clearly a straight long weave. In Waiting To Exhale that powerful scene with Angela Bassett when she was at the hair salon and she asked them to cut her hair off because she was so angry that after so many years of looking the right way (growing her hair long) and doing the right things (perfect wife) that her husband would cheat on her. Then she torched his clothes.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Kiki82]

awesome read....waiting for part 2...

 

[caribeandiva]

Your boyfriend is hilarious!!

 

[vainღ♥♡jane]

i'm looking forward to reading the rest of this story

 

[ajoyfuljoy]

dang, yall sistas up in here deep!

 

[AdeyemiTL]

dang, yall sistas up in here deep!

Aside from the deepness, this was an excellent post, it made me think of all of the things I used to do to my hair, in the name of style.

 

[ToyToy]

Black women need to be very careful about going down the slippery slope of fixing their hair a certain way because their man approves. It has all kinds of implications, while it is nice to appeal to the senses of your significant other, your significant other should not assert himself in the realm of one's personal expression. Personal expression is not static it is dynamic and therefore changes. We are on this forum to learn techniques that will make our hair thrive, part of this thriving is getting support from our loved ones to rally us on. In the end our significant others are supposed to be our helpmates just as we as supposed to be theirs. If your loved one is so caught up on a European beauty paradigm then how does that allow you to be you self? Also I think it is ironic that, we acknowledge the pain of slavery and colonialism for Black men and not Black women. What was the wage of these institutions on our psyches; how are we psychologically damaged; we are we so willing to submit our will, pain, and struggle to the will of Black men and quite frankly, they do not do the same for us? What is the cost of the submission and how are we benefiting our daughters? I am all for having boyfriends, fiancees, and husbands but not at the cost of who I am. I am a strong intelligent black woman and I expect to have the same in my man. I also expect that my man support me in endeavors that are important to me and see the beauty of my hair in its natural state as well as slicked back and straight. My significant other needs to respect the decisions that I make as an autonomous individual, and yes in relationships concessions are made, but too many women concede before necessary and too many Black women make too many excuses for why their man does not strive to make them feel happy and whole. I think that is a problem, perhaps that is why I am single.

You spoke from my heart!!!

 

[danigurl18]

I understand this completely.. in June when I did the BC, I posted a message on here because I was so hurt.. this guy I knew didn't want to go on a date with me anynmore because I had short, curly hair and not the long relaxed hair that he had met me with.. I was kinda hurt but then i realized that he was definately not the one for me since he can't even accept a hairstyle change..

 

[MD_Lady]

I understand this completely.. in June when I did the BC, I posted a message on here because I was so hurt.. this guy I knew didn't want to go on a date with me anynmore because I had short, curly hair and not the long relaxed hair that he had met me with.. I was kinda hurt but then i realized that he was definately not the one for me since he can't even accept a hairstyle change..

How right you are.

 

[BostonMaria]

I post on Naturallycurly.com and I see the white women post about how their SO's hate their curls and want them to straighten their hair so its not just us.

I love this woman's writing. I hope you do an update MonaLisa!

 

[AdeyemiTL]

I post on Naturallycurly.com and I see the white women post about how their SO's hate their curls and want them to straighten their hair so its not just us.

I love this woman's writing. I hope you do an update MonaLisa!

It is a universal woman's issues, but I think in terms of women of African descent it is a particularly sensitive issue, because white women have historically been the yardstick that all women of color have been judged by. All women have to be conscious of letting men define what they are supposed to look like. It is a simple matter of creating agency for ourselves by ourselves.

 

[Sugarhoney]

It's funny because when I go to certain black men forums they talk about how they love a black woman with natural hair and how not enough black women wear there real or natural hair. I've never really encountered this problem with men, it is mostly women or family members who had a problem with my "bushy" hair. I got some laughs from HS kids at the mall when I BC'ed, but the guys I encountered gave me respect for going natural. I don't think you can have those negative guys rep the majority of black men on this issue. There are a lot of intelligent brothas out there that love and respect us with our natural tresses. Still there is that "length" issue, but that is not exclusive to black men.

 

[AdeyemiTL]

It's funny because when I go to certain black men forums they talk about how they love a black woman with natural hair and how not enough black women wear there real or natural hair. I've never really encountered this problem with men, it is mostly women or family members who had a problem with my "bushy" hair. I got some laughs from HS kids at the mall when I BC'ed, but the guys I encountered gave me respect for going natural. I don't think you can have those negative guys rep the majority of black men on this issue. There are a lot of intelligent brothas out there that love and respect us with our natural tresses. Still there is that "length" issue, but that is not exclusive to black men.

I am in no way saying all brothers, and I definitely am not suggesting that this perception is just a black thing. But if we are honest with ourselves there are a significant amount of black men who do not appreciate natural hair. It is not just a black male thing, it is a black issue. I come from a family of black people who just happen to think natural hair is the best thing since sliced bread and all of the men that I have dated appreciated my hair in all of its many incarnations. But I believe that the women who are responding to this thread are responding to all those people, black men especially who feel that they are less beautiful or attractive if they so choose to wear their natural tresses. In my opinion there is something pathological for a black person not to be able to recognize the beauty and variation of African textured hair in its natural state. Those are the people that this thread addresses, not the "enlightened brothers and sisters".